canterbury Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 Background. Have had suicidal thoughts before, but tonight scares me. Am calm and rational about the whole thing. Left the gym today because i felt sick about the waste of space (rotten person) that i am. That i add no contribution to life and as others have described it (on this forum), am a waste of space. Have been feeling numb these last few days, like physically numb. Last night I went to bed wishing that I could fall asleep and not "wake up" this morning. But, guess what? I am here. Unfortunately. The reason I have not taken my own life in the past is that i have been scared. That's right. Too afraid of the unknown and the thought that i would go to "hell" (a worse place), but tonight i am not afraid. I am, however, too blotto to do it (have drunken almost a bottle of wine). And i guess i don't really "want" to do it.. But, tonight though, even today and yesterday, i imaged a razor sliding over my vein. I'm not sure the best way to do it, as i don't want to get brain damage from failing. I live alone, so i guess i wouldn't be that hard, if i really tried. Another thing that has stopped me is that a sibling did the same thing years ago and in the past, I didn't want to put my parents through this, but i don't even care about that anymore. I don't care about anyone's position in this, except my own. I am sorry for posting such a crap idealisation. Hopefully tonight, this has stopped me from doing it as i am in that sociopathic state where i don't even care about myself or see a future for myself. I feel so down, but i don't really want to do it. Help Link to comment
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