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This is a really complicated story and very hard for me to write.

I was with my fiance for 3 years and our relationship was fabulous. We were close and very much in love. He had some issues and jealousy with a close male friend of mine that I have known for over 20 years and I ended up choosing my relationship with my fiance and letting my friend go. This was a number of years ago and all has been ok since.

 

Over the last 12 months I have started battling with anxiety and it has gotten worse despite being on medication and seeing Drs. It had turned into panic attacks and agoraphobia. I was finding it hard to even leave the house and my Dr recommended I take some leave from work. I advised my boss (I am a subcontractor) and after 5 years of service for the same company I was dismissed overnight without even a thank you as they couldn't understand what anxiety is and why I needed leave.

 

Just like that my world fell apart. No job and no income and battling anxiety. I told my fiance what had happened and he told me not to worry that with my skill set he was sure he could help me get some remote work that I could work from home. I was so happy to hear this and he said he was going to drive to see someone he knew to ask him would he consider speaking to me and giving me some remote work. I loaned my fiance $150 to go see this person he knew who may hire me. Everything was great - no arguments, total support from my fiance. I was feeling blessed. Then suddenly he went offline and I couldn't reach him online or through his phone and this is odd he always has his phone with him. I thought he must have had an accident so I frantically began calling his friends and family and they assured me he was alive and well with no accident. I didn't know what to do - I realised he had blocked me. But why?

 

A few days later the $150 appeared as a depost in my bank account and no word from him. It has been a few months now and no word from him. My close male friend of 20 years who I haven't spoke to for years made contact with me just a few days ago to tell me that my ex had contacted him and threatened to kill him and told him to stay away from me. I don't know why he contacted my friend from all those years ago that I no longer talk to.

 

My ex has since made contact with me and wants to come back. I asked why he left me the way he did and he said he is an honest person and doesn't feel I was being honest with him about my anxiety and work situation and he is putting all this back on me. He is not accepting any responsibility for this and says he wants to come back and make a new start and that he loves me.

 

 

I love him but i don't trust him anymore. How could he leave me like that at my lowest point when I needed him most. I feel like i can't trust him or lean on him anymore if anything was to happen in my life. He has not apologised as he said he has done nothing wrong and his exact words were 'when there is no transparency i like to be away'

Is he a narcissist?

What do I do?

Please help.

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I don't know how you concluded "narcissism ". From what you described, he bails when things get tough. That's selfishness, not diagnosable narcissism.

 

If you don't trust him, why do you want to be with him?

 

Are you receiving current treatment for your anxiety and other issues?

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All exes from nasty contentious breakups are called narcissists, sociopaths or psychos. 🤬

 

Unravel all ties. Consider therapy to unpack and sort all this out. Keep in mind, you picked him...so work on that aspect. Steer clear of him. Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

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What did he get out of: you having to leave your job under the advisement of your doctor, would have something to do with a guy friend you don't even talk to anymore? That is totally wack. Seriously your ex is a certifiable nut job. There is something really wrong with him...in a dangerous sort of way. If you ever marry this guy, your body will be in a barrel dumped at an industrial site, and him on the news with crocodile tears begging for help to find his missing wife. Cut this guy out of your life.

Edited by smackie9
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I don't know if he's a narcissist or not, but this is not someone you want to have a relationship with. He doesn't trust you, disappeared without a word and threatened to kill someone. It's time to block and delete and focus on your health and well being.

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No way would I take this guy back.

 

He apparently vanished without a word? After 3 years together, and being engaged?

 

Something doesn't add up about that. I don't think he's being honest with you, and his communication is apparently so poor he couldn't be bothered to tell you it was over - but he can threaten to kill an old friend of yours? This man isn't boyfriend material anymore, let alone marriage material.

 

You can do better than this.

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Nobody can diagnose him as a narcissist or not, however, I don't think anyone here can disagree with the common sense assessment that this guy's behavior is completely crazy and potentially dangerous to you and others. Nothing about his behavior, the lies about going to talk to some friend of his about a job for you, threatening to kill a long ago friend of yours, etc, etc, etc. - just run for the hills. He showed you unstable, dangerous behavior and the most critical part here is that he doesn't see it as wrong at all, he is blaming you.

 

You need to actually take this seriously, and by that I mean change all your accounts, remove all access, lock down your credit, change your phone and e-mails, shut down or lock down social media so that him, his friends, his family, any random person you don't know that he can talk into helping him reach you, cannot get through. If you can move, move or go spend some time with family or friends. Yes, it's that serious and that bad.

 

Whatever you do, do not engage with him any further, make it very clear that there is no way back into a relationship with you and do not continue to speak with him or promise friendship or anything else such. Stay far far away from this person. He showed that he is unhinged. Better believe it. Genuinely crazy, dangerous people can hide their crazy for years and years. So don't think even for one minute that if he was OK for 3 years, surely he'll be fine again. Nope, nope, nope. Disengage and take care of yourself and be watchful that he doesn't follow you, harass you, stalk you, etc. If he shows up on your doorstep, do not open the door, just call the cops immediately.

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It sounds fishy, all of it. Even the content from your guy friend. Sorry. I wouldn't believe any of it and his opinion is in a gray area to me (not trustworthy) especially since he may have some angst against your ex-fiance in the first place for having forced you to end your friendship with him earlier.

 

I think you might be better off streamlining your support network and letting go of strange people in general. If your guy friend was really a friend he'd butt out of it all together. You are suffering from some kind of severe anxiety and unable to control your worries/thoughts. Calling friends/family frantically because you're not able to get a hold of someone in that moment is a little over the top. You were depending a little too heavily on your fiance for support, imho. I think what you really need are meds or a therapist to help you navigate your thoughts and control any negative thoughts or anxiety attacks. I don't think the level of involvement or help you required from your fiance was very fair. He handled it poorly too.

 

Just figure out your work situation and earn some income so you can keep yourself afloat. Process all of this when you have a moment to yourself. I don't think you were clear to start and maybe your judgment has been clouded all along in a lot of your friendships. Let go of this oddball. He's not your fiance anymore. Put him in the past. I'd be very wary of this male friend of yours also who appeared out of nowhere. Work on yourself and focus less on others.

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You/your friend need to report homicidal threats to the police. Stop play games. Get a restraining order against this guy.

My close male friend of 20 years who I haven't spoke to for years made contact with me just a few days ago to tell me that my ex had contacted him and threatened to kill him
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Nobody can diagnose him as a narcissist or not, however, I don't think anyone here can disagree with the common sense assessment that this guy's behavior is completely crazy and potentially dangerous to you and others. Nothing about his behavior, the lies about going to talk to some friend of his about a job for you, threatening to kill a long ago friend of yours, etc, etc, etc. - just run for the hills. He showed you unstable, dangerous behavior and the most critical part here is that he doesn't see it as wrong at all, he is blaming you.

 

You need to actually take this seriously, and by that I mean change all your accounts, remove all access, lock down your credit, change your phone and e-mails, shut down or lock down social media so that him, his friends, his family, any random person you don't know that he can talk into helping him reach you, cannot get through. If you can move, move or go spend some time with family or friends. Yes, it's that serious and that bad.

 

Whatever you do, do not engage with him any further, make it very clear that there is no way back into a relationship with you and do not continue to speak with him or promise friendship or anything else such. Stay far far away from this person. He showed that he is unhinged. Better believe it. Genuinely crazy, dangerous people can hide their crazy for years and years. So don't think even for one minute that if he was OK for 3 years, surely he'll be fine again. Nope, nope, nope. Disengage and take care of yourself and be watchful that he doesn't follow you, harass you, stalk you, etc. If he shows up on your doorstep, do not open the door, just call the cops immediately.

I agree with this logical, sound advice. Your ex is not good lifemate material so don't consider getting back with him. See your doctor for a referral to a therapist to help you with your current anxiety, depression and the emotional fall out of finding out your b/f is a whack job.

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I feel like i can't trust him or lean on him anymore if anything was to happen in my life. He has not apologized as he said he has done nothing wrong and his exact words were 'when there is no transparency i like to be away'

 

Trust your gut. If you want stability and security, and to be in a relationship where you are free to talk to whoever you please without having your fiance call and threaten to kill him... this is not the guy for you.

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Your ex is unstable. You should stay away from him. I am certain that there is a lot you are not telling us.

 

You need to get to a therapist to deal with your problems. The pills may be exascerbating the problem , along with your crazy ex. You can't live your life in the house. Get some help and lose the ex. He is dangerous!

Edited by Hollyj
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.. and anxiety and panic are often times a sign of something you aren't dealing with or something you are denying.

 

You could be stuffing the disappointment and mistreatment from this boyfriend and instead calling it something different. You disassociate yourself from the pain long enough it comes back in the form of anxiety and panic.

 

Not sure if this is the case but it's something to consider.

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I don't know if he's a narcissist. Make sure your ex remains your ex and keep it there permanently. He's sick. I wouldn't trust him either.

 

He's extremely jealous which is scary. My BIL (brother-in-law) is extremely jealous and wreaked havoc not only in his marriage but also permanently ruined many family dynamics. You need to stay far away from people who are nothing but red flags.

 

Only be with normal, sound people. You'll thank yourself for it.

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I get the feeling you haven't told the whole story. It doesn't seem plausible that he would pull a stunt like he did without earlier evidence of similar stunts. Well, actually there is a hint of it in the first few sentances where you mention that you cut off a friendship because your BF was jealous. That's already a red flag. What else did you leave out?

 

Narcissist or not, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. Don't go back to him, it will make your anxiety worse.

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It sounds fishy, all of it. Even the content from your guy friend. Sorry. I wouldn't believe any of it and his opinion is in a gray area to me (not trustworthy) especially since he may have some angst against your ex-fiance in the first place for having forced you to end your friendship with him earlier.

 

I think you might be better off streamlining your support network and letting go of strange people in general. If your guy friend was really a friend he'd butt out of it all together. You are suffering from some kind of severe anxiety and unable to control your worries/thoughts. Calling friends/family frantically because you're not able to get a hold of someone in that moment is a little over the top. You were depending a little too heavily on your fiance for support, imho. I think what you really need are meds or a therapist to help you navigate your thoughts and control any negative thoughts or anxiety attacks. I don't think the level of involvement or help you required from your fiance was very fair. He handled it poorly too.

 

Just figure out your work situation and earn some income so you can keep yourself afloat. Process all of this when you have a moment to yourself. I don't think you were clear to start and maybe your judgment has been clouded all along in a lot of your friendships. Let go of this oddball. He's not your fiance anymore. Put him in the past. I'd be very wary of this male friend of yours also who appeared out of nowhere. Work on yourself and focus less on others.

 

I thought the same thing.

 

You don’t hear from him but he contacts this ex friend from years ago to threaten him?

 

That friend may be pulling your leg.

 

I mean, I understand if he did it while you were together but why would he do that during a time he bailed?

 

And your job firing you in such a manner is illegal so that doesn’t make sense either.

 

If you had Dr.s orders to take a leave of absence and they fired you, girlfriend sue... seriously because again it’s illegal but if you, yourself decided you couldn’t deal anymore with zero documentation well your job was well within their rights unfortunately.

 

You have a whole lot going on right now, breathe. I think your finances are way more important that your ex right now.

 

That can wait until you’re back on your feet.

 

Priorities!

 

I wish you luck. So sorry, anxiety is a mother...

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I'm really sorry to hear everything that happened, that's awful. I can't believe how your job treated you after you worked with them so long. Listen I really think you should completely end things with your fiance. He sounds really unstable and for the lack of better word, psycho. Sounds like he has a lot of mental health issues of his own. Or that he's just a really selfish person. Maybe he's not crazy or narcissistic but he's just a terrible person. Seems he wanted to be with you while things were good, but because you'd developed anxiety and were let go from your job, he decided to run away from you. He could be one of those people that only wants to be with someone in happy times and not the sad times. The way he just ghosted you for many months and blocked after three years together and being engaged. It's absolutely disgusting. If I was you no way would I take him back! EVER!

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The sudden disappearance is concerning. Is it possible he was seeing somebody else? Was he often absent?

 

There are scammers that have double lives.. They'll marry a girl, gain her confidence, then organise a loan or to purchase a house together, but, wait... You'll have to put all of your money into their account first and then, poof! You'll never see them again. Not sure if he was one of these? Just seems that when things weren't going well, he was nowhere to be seen.

 

At the very least, he is a coward, or was seeing someone else imo.

 

Ignore all contact, regardless of how 'reasonable' it seems. Believe me, it is not reasonable! The threat needs to be reported to the police incase you need a restraining order later.

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