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Struggling Immensely Due to my abusive dark past


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My life is currently in a major state of uncertainty due to my actions of nearly 30 years ago. I want to apologize for my thoughts being scrambled, but this is how I have been feeling.

 

I sexually molested my sister roughly 30 years ago numerous times over about 4-5 years. Until 3 years ago, we actually had a decent relationship. Her daughter turned 10 and people started commenting on how much her daughter looked like her. This caused my sister MAJOR trauma. She believes that she is currently experienced PTSD. Approximately 2 years ago, she made me tell my mother what I did to her so many years ago as a child. My sister (rightfully so) wants nothing to do with me. I have offered to attend counselling with her and wrote her a letter that I don't believe to this day that she has read. I am not asking for forgiveness as I can't forgive myself, so how could she ever forgive me?

 

I have NO attraction or sexual interest in minors. I have not had any inappropriate or non-consensual sex in the 30 years since.

 

At this point, my immediate family, Mom, Brother and Brother-in-law are aware of the despicable things that i have done. There was one other girl that I molested over 35 years ago, whom I told my wife about ~7 years ago. She asked if there was anyone else, but I could not tell her about my sister for 2 reasons... 1 - I couldn't "out her" as to my knowledge she had not told anyone... even her husband of 15+ years. 2 - given the seriousness of this abuse, my wife likely would have left me at that point.

 

My marriage is struggling as I haven't been as supportive of my wife as I need to be. I have an addictive personality and tend to get focused on the wrong things... Video games and I am a reformed alcoholic (former ever day drinker) to someone that drinks 5-6 times a year. I have always put my families (Brother, Mother and Sister) needs before my wifes. This has caused major issues and fights throughout our 15 year marriage.

 

My fear is that if this catastrophic news comes out about my past that my wife will leave me and I will lose the ability to see my 8 year old daughter who means the world to me! I am concerned that if my wife finds out that she will keep my daughter from me. I do my best as a father for her and only want to keep her safe. She is in a safer place living with me every day than she would be without me.

 

The relationship with my sister is non-existant, and likely will remain that way forever. The relationship with my mother is very strained as she is also traumatized by the repulsive choices that I made nearly 30 years ago. My Brother doesn't know what to think... he has kids and is concerned.

 

I want to reiterate that I have NO sexual desire for kids. I did this as a minor roughly 30 years ago and I am extremely regretful of all of the pain that I caused.

 

I am not looking for sympathy, but have no idea how to talk to someone about this. Please don't tell me I am a despicable piece of .. I already know that, I am seeking help/advice.

 

TIA

 

Louie

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In a case as serious and delicate at this, I would urge you to seek the advice of a therapist on how to navigate this.

 

I very much doubt your secret is going to stay a secret from your wife forever. My guess is that one of your other family members might reveal it, either inadvertently or intentionally. Has your wife noticed that your sister is now essentially estranged from you? And that your relationship with your mom is now significantly strained? If so, how did you explain that?

 

This is going to cause serious problems for your marriage no matter how you slice it, but I think the wisest decision is to make sure she hears it from you and not from anyone else first.

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You mention everything here but that you ever went to counselling.

 

I have not gone to Counselling for this myself. My wife is a Therapist and her network is pretty vast. I know that any discussions that I have are bound by ethics, but it does make it a little more difficult. My concern is also if I out myself that they may have the need to reach out to Children's aid. I don't believe that this is the case as my Sister had that discussion with her Therapist. She is concerned that I might be a repeat offender and that this could happen again. I see her point of view, but as I mentioned... i have no interest in young people or anything that is not consensual.

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In a case as serious and delicate at this, I would urge you to seek the advice of a therapist on how to navigate this.

 

I very much doubt your secret is going to stay a secret from your wife forever. My guess is that one of your other family members might reveal it, either inadvertently or intentionally. Has your wife noticed that your sister is now essentially estranged from you? And that your relationship with your mom is now significantly strained? If so, how did you explain that?

 

This is going to cause serious problems for your marriage no matter how you slice it, but I think the wisest decision is to make sure she hears it from you and not from anyone else first.

 

Yes, she has noticed that my sister is estranged. The relationship with my wife and sister wasn't very good anyhow.

 

The relationship with my mother was good until a few months ago when my mom didn't call for nearly 3 months. I didn't call her as I was upset that she didn't call for my anniversary and she asked my brother about something that I did to help her rather than calling me directly. My mom thought I was upset because she couldn't help with Childcare in June... there was no issue on our side. The fact that my mom didn't call my daughter for 3 months is pretty much a last straw for my wife. My mom can't even bring herself to say that she loves me anymore.

 

While I could rebuild a life without my wife... i could not live a life without my daughter. I am concerned that my wife (and her family) may try to take my little girl away from me. My wife and kid are my entire life. I don't really have many friends (except her school friends parents). I am concerned and my entire life is hanging on by a string.

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You are a repeat offender. You certainly have a lot of self pity matched only by your excuses. Your story seems to change like the wind.

I sexually molested my sister roughly 30 years ago numerous times over about 4-5 years.

There was one other girl that I molested over 35 years ago

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Continue therapy for life. Seek professional marriage counseling in order to save your marriage. See a psychologist for advice, too.

 

I'm sorry for the pain you've caused and the guilt you feel. No one wins and it's all bad for everyone. All you can do is accept the current situation, harsh outcome and estrangement you've caused. Accept that naturally, your relatives, in-laws and wife all fear for the safety of their children. Accept that you can never be trusted again no matter how much remorse you have. That ship has sailed, Louie.

 

All you can do is work on being diligent with therapy attendance as well as marriage counseling and see a psychologist, too. You need lifelong maintenance for yourself and your wife as long as you two struggle to hang onto your marriage which is barely hanging by the threads as it is.

 

Since you're an outcast and ostracized due to your stigmas, accept these harsh consequences and live with it. Learn to be more independent instead of thinking you can be with someone as if you're normal with a normal past.

 

If your wife leaves you and takes your daughter with her, again, you've made your bed and now you must lie in it. You created this crisis and unfortunately, you have to pay for it for the rest of your life. I'm sorry it's a lonely feeling. Think of your victims and people who are not willing to risk associating with you let alone their children. Think how lonely they must feel because they must carry these painful burdens for the rest of their lives.

 

For some people in your situation, they have to start fresh with new people in their lives since family members are cut off from you. Perhaps this is the path you need to take or remain alone. This is the price you have to pay as others are paying the dear cost forever due to the havoc you've wreaked with their lives. Unfortunately, people like you are pariahs forever.

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If you don't believe in therapy, then you're stuck where you are and it will go downhill from here for you. Don't be surprised if you lose your wife and daughter.

 

I don't blame your relatives for how they are. If it were me, it would be over and estrangement would be the result. It's out of sight, out of mind or at least mostly out of mind if out of sight. This is how people are when they're done.

 

I have stories as does my husband regarding some people who broke all the cardinal rules of human decency. We're taught to forgive but it doesn't mean condone nor forget. We simply don't want anything to do with certain individuals anymore and it's a permanent good-bye. We move on WITHOUT certain people in our lives in order to heal, enforce healthy boundaries, FEEL SAFE and move on in the most healthy manner possible. This is how life is and how it unfolds. This is how people are so it comes as no shock whatsoever.

 

If you're mature enough to grow up and accept these harsh consequences, it's part of your growth.

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While I could rebuild a life without my wife... i could not live a life without my daughter. I am concerned that my wife (and her family) may try to take my little girl away from me. My wife and kid are my entire life. I don't really have many friends (except her school friends parents). I am concerned and my entire life is hanging on by a string.

 

You should have yourself armed with a therapist and a family law attorney *before everything hits the fan.

At least you will be one step ahead and it could be seen as be proof of your commitment.

Rather than waiting for the other side to arm up and put you at a disadvantage.

Proactive therapy is much better than court appointed.

Plus they will advise you and support you on what to do. Don't try to navigate this without help.

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My life is currently in a major state of uncertainty due to my actions of nearly 30 years ago. I want to apologize for my thoughts being scrambled, but this is how I have been feeling.

 

I sexually molested my sister roughly 30 years ago numerous times over about 4-5 years. Until 3 years ago, we actually had a decent relationship. Her daughter turned 10 and people started commenting on how much her daughter looked like her. This caused my sister MAJOR trauma. She believes that she is currently experienced PTSD. Approximately 2 years ago, she made me tell my mother what I did to her so many years ago as a child. My sister (rightfully so) wants nothing to do with me. I have offered to attend counselling with her and wrote her a letter that I don't believe to this day that she has read. I am not asking for forgiveness as I can't forgive myself, so how could she ever forgive me?

 

I have NO attraction or sexual interest in minors. I have not had any inappropriate or non-consensual sex in the 30 years since.

 

At this point, my immediate family, Mom, Brother and Brother-in-law are aware of the despicable things that i have done. There was one other girl that I molested over 35 years ago, whom I told my wife about ~7 years ago. She asked if there was anyone else, but I could not tell her about my sister for 2 reasons... 1 - I couldn't "out her" as to my knowledge she had not told anyone... even her husband of 15+ years. 2 - given the seriousness of this abuse, my wife likely would have left me at that point.

 

My marriage is struggling as I haven't been as supportive of my wife as I need to be. I have an addictive personality and tend to get focused on the wrong things... Video games and I am a reformed alcoholic (former ever day drinker) to someone that drinks 5-6 times a year. I have always put my families (Brother, Mother and Sister) needs before my wifes. This has caused major issues and fights throughout our 15 year marriage.

 

My fear is that if this catastrophic news comes out about my past that my wife will leave me and I will lose the ability to see my 8 year old daughter who means the world to me! I am concerned that if my wife finds out that she will keep my daughter from me. I do my best as a father for her and only want to keep her safe. She is in a safer place living with me every day than she would be without me.

The relationship with my sister is non-existant, and likely will remain that way forever. The relationship with my mother is very strained as she is also traumatized by the repulsive choices that I made nearly 30 years ago. My Brother doesn't know what to think... he has kids and is concerned.

 

I want to reiterate that I have NO sexual desire for kids. I did this as a minor roughly 30 years ago and I am extremely regretful of all of the pain that I caused.

 

I am not looking for sympathy, but have no idea how to talk to someone about this. Please don't tell me I am a despicable piece of .. I already know that, I am seeking help/advice.

 

TIA

 

Louie

 

It seems like your marriage is past salvaging at this point if you are fighting about miscellaneous topics and your addictive personality. You're so stressed out that you're worrying about this one piece of knowledge that your wife doesn't seem to know about and the situation seemed to have escalated between you and your sister (with your mother's knowledge) two years ago. This isn't even new news. Things seem at boiling point and the one thing you're worried about isn't even on the table for discussion between your wife and you.

 

I'm not sure why you believe your daughter is in a safer place living with you than she would be without you. If you do have your daughter's interest at heart, wouldn't you be open to different viewpoints (including your wife's or a judge's)?

 

I'm very sorry but I don't think this is looking very good for you. I agree with the other members on therapy on your own and speak with a lawyer about your rights and what to do in the event of a separation.

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I'm not sure why this has not been brought up by others... but if what you did is still mostly a secret, then you have clearly not faced justice for what you have done. Your victims have not got the justice that they deserve. You feeling guilty and worried about your marriage and your daughter is still very self-centered and all about you.

 

Do the right thing, hand yourself in at a police station and confess to your crimes. Your life as you know it will be over, you will probably go to jail, some people will never associate with you again. But only in confronting your past honestly and openly and taking responsibility for it, can you possibly move on from it and receive true forgiveness.

 

Your victims did not have a choice about being victims. You have a choice to do the right thing and take ownership of what you did. Or live the rest of your life stressing over people finding out about your secret... Does the latter really sound more appealing?

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Hopefully your wife will get full custody and you will only get supervised visitation, at best. When she divorces you, your family may come forward and reveal the truth, as they should.

 

You are living a lie. It's not just the molestation and lies, you drank, selfishly indulged in escapism and were generally unfit as a husband and father.

 

Your pseudo-remorse sounds like a crocodile-tear rehearsal for court. And your fear is that the sham of the 'family man' is coming to and end when your wife leaves and you'll have to face who you are. It's not surprising you came to the internet for sympathy and tips on how to further spin this.

 

You may want to look up the statute of limitations for childhood sexual abuse in your jurisdiction. As you know, prisoners don't look fondly on your types. All this may come out in your divorce.

I am concerned that if my wife finds out that she will keep my daughter from me.

 

The relationship with my sister is non-existant, and likely will remain that way forever. The relationship with my mother is very strained as she is also traumatized by the repulsive choices that I made nearly 30 years ago. My Brother doesn't know what to think... he has kids and is concerned.

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Thank you all for your advice... The good and even the more harsh. It may appear that I am looking for validation or sympathy. That is not the case. I am trying to keep the life that I have built as a good person intact. I was a young person 13-18, but honestly don't recall 100% for sure as this was over 30 years ago now. My dark past doesn't define the person that I am today. I am seeking help and stumbled upon this site.

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Thank you all for your advice... The good and even the more harsh. It may appear that I am looking for validation or sympathy. That is not the case. I am trying to keep the life that I have built as a good person intact. I was a young person 13-18, but honestly don't recall 100% for sure as this was over 30 years ago now. My dark past doesn't define the person that I am today. I am seeking help and stumbled upon this site.

 

At 18 you were an adult. That is plenty old enough to know you were wrong. Sexual abuse DESTROYS lives . I was decimated for 37 years . I just now climbing out to achievement in my life. 40 years later.

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What made you want sex with children when you were a teen? I really hope you don't say you don't remember. -

 

Are you in individual counseling?

 

Not that it makes it any better, but there was only a 3 year age difference between myself and the victims. I didn't have "sex", it was inappropriate contact... again, doesn't make it any better.

 

I have not started Therapy as of yet as stated earlier, my wife is in the field and have to navigate carefully. I know that this is something that I need.

 

At 18 you were an adult. That is plenty old enough to know you were wrong. Sexual abuse DESTROYS lives . I was decimated for 37 years . I just now climbing out to achievement in my life. 40 years later.

 

Absolutely I knew what I was doing was wrong. I can't justify my behaviour. When I was doing it I had no clue of the long term repercussions of the pain that I was causing. When I started, I honestly had no concept of the fact that this would cause such pain 30 years later.

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Why were you sexually attracted to a 10 year old?

 

At the age of ~13 I was exploring sexuality, yes it was in a very inappropriate way, but I was a kid when this started. I can't make excuses for my behaviour, but this happened when I was young and extremely stupid. When I started, i had no concept of the long term harm that I was causing.

 

I am looking up a Therapist as we speak as I fully understand that this is now something that I need. I will have to try to find someone that can provide help to the Abuser as I am guessing that most people seeking therapy are the victims.

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