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Why she (24F) ghosted me (29M), is there a way to have a chance with her?


someonej
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Got into a situation I cant understand. I was in a bar with a friend and there was a lady bartender. In the bar there were a lot of paintings - an exhibition - and I was astonished by them. Was looking them all the time. At the end I wanted to know if they are for sale. Before leaving I asked the bartender if I can buy one of the paintings, since I liked them a lot. She answered me that they are all her creation. I was stunned. So I got her contacts in order to buy one of the paintings and to set the deal on the next night. So I went to the bar again. The conversation was great: it happens that she is from my hometown, that we have friends in common, she was in the same highschool, a lot of interests in common, etc. There were not many customers and we were laughing all the time, never went out of topcs to speak about. We met again after a week, when I visited the bar alone for a while. Before that I tried to text her but received only short answers (she was at work when I did it, so it was probably the reason). Anyway the night was busy, her manager was there so it was not possible to speak a lot, still she found time for me to smile or tell me something. Ten days passed after that. There was some texting but very strange - she delayed the answers and they were in few words. She even accidentally called me on the social media and only then answered with one-worder. So I decided to do nothing, just to take the painting I ordered, when she is ready. But a friend invited me in this bar for an important business conversation and she was there. She seemed kinda happy to see me. After my talk with that friend, he left and I stayed on the bar for a drink to speak with her. And she called me: "come out, lets smoke", and talking to me, smilling, etc. was great conversation about everything: our hometown, music, movies, art. We did not stopped talking for like 2 hours, not a moment of silence. We have so much in common and discussions with her are so interesting. Lot of times she was the one asking questions and leading the conversation. It was only 2 of us in the bar. Before leaving I left her a comic book to read - its mine, but she liked it, so I offered it and she took it. I also offered her help in one of her art projects (I can find vital matherials she is looking for and struggling to get) and she accepted and told me she will be very thankfull if I really help her with that. On the next day I texted her to send her a video of documentary movie we were talking about the night before. She still does not respond after 3 days. Not even seen and she is online pretty often and active on social media. What does this means? Its not about money, she does not accept my tips. She shared with me personal info too. She also told me few times when she is again in the bar (not invating me, just telling me the days of her shifts for a week in advance and I never asked for it). I know that like year ago she had a a dramatic break up. I want her to give me a chance. Maybe she noticed my interest during meetings. What should I do? Should I even visit her again without asking? Should I just not bother her?

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Its my impression that she initially thought you were a nice guy and she appreciated your interest and attention. You thought she was interested as well.

 

It sounds like she hooked you based on her words and non-verbal behavior. They mean nothing.

 

You shouldn't have bought the painting or the gifts. Those were beta male behaviors and you thought that it was the way to demonstrate to her that you would do anything for her attention. It also may have suggested to her that you were trying to "buy" her attention and future loyalty. She probably interpreted this as you were weak and needy and no woman likes that. She might have a guy. It doesn't matter.

 

Every guy has done this and had to learn lessons like this.

 

Her current behavior suggests that she isn't interested in you enough (or suspicious enough) that she isn't reaching out for whatever reason. She could be playing the field and this game with other guys too. Who knows? It doesn't matter now.

 

What should you do? Do you think reaching out to her repeatedly is going to change her mind? Probably not.

 

Let her go. Don't reach out or find ways to run into her. Don't follow her on social media, matter of fact, unfriend her. Learn from your mistakes and don't repeat them.

 

Next time you meet a girl that you're interested in, don't even buy her anything unless you are on a date. She should be interested in you enough that you don't need to buy her anything in order for her to spend her time getting to know you because she's genuinely attracted to and interested in you.

 

There's a lot of women out there probably are hoping to meet a guy like you and when that happens, you will take a different approach vector with them. Keep your emotions in check and pay attention to how they behave when interacting with you. And if they get turned off or distracted by someone else, move on again. Rinse and repeat.

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I don't see her acting in any manner that is misleading or inapporpriate.

She is treating you in a friendly manner as a customer of the bar and her paintings.

 

You gave the comic book freely - but apparently, with strings attached thinking it meant something.

 

You were interested in buying one of her paintings.

You did not see her anyplace else besides her place of employment.

 

You are hoping that the purchase means that you also get to date her.

It does not.

 

 

BTW, what is this "chance" that you speak of that she should give you. you never once asked her out to an actual date or even a lower risk solution of getting her away from the bar in a more casual way "that film festival is showing that move we talked about. I am thinking about going..." total softball. if she says "i really want to see that too" you have a softball way to ask her out.

 

Honestly, though, i think if you are buying her paintings and giving her comic books hoping she will "give you a chance" because you had a bad breakup, i would just leave her be and heal from your relationship first

Because you say she is 'ghosting you'. She didn't. there is no relationship for her to be ghosting you on. Its in your imagination that she considers that you are courting her. She has no idea. or has you pegged that you are trying to buy her paintings to flirt

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I agree with the other posters, I don't think you've been rejected as such because you never asked this woman out or dated at all. You've only hung out with her at the bar, which is her work. I'm assuming she's an attractive woman and she probably gets a lot of guys talking to her and hitting on her because so many people come through the bar.

 

Also I've noticed that bartenders tend to act very friendly and chat to customers because it's part of their job. I regularly go to this nerd and gaming bar and the male bartenders always chat to everyone and they've even paid me compliments, but they weren't actually hitting on me or anything. I mean you are a customer when you come into the bar and it probably is nice for her to actually talk to someone who shares a lot of intelligent common interests. I guarantee you though that she talks to guys (and women) on a very regular basis because that comes with the job of being a bartender.

 

I'm not sure if she's actually romantically interested in you because her texts to you have been very short and not engaging and she hasn't replied to your message for three days. You think it's because she's busy but nobody is busy all the time. She has time off work just like everyone else. If someone is interested in you, it would be obvious because they'd be replying to you quickly and having a lot of conversation. She talked to you at the bar because you went in there and were buying drinks. It's not like she's gonna tell you to go away or anything. The only reason why you had her phone number was to buy the painting. Who knows, if you'd asked for her number straight out, maybe she wouldn't have given it to you.

 

If you really want to know if she'd be interested in you, I think you should actually just ask her out. Make it clear it's a date by suggesting to go out for dinner or something.

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Thank you for the answers, just two things:

 

1. I wanted to buy the painting before even knowing her. So I never did this deal just to date her or something.

2. I gave her comic book because she liked it, not because I want to hook her is some way, it would be stupid to thing that this is possible. Maybe she view it the same was as you, but I never did it for that reason.

 

So its maybe that I "overshowed" my interest in this last meeting of ours. But anyway should I try to even reach her by going there? Should I try something else? Should I just ask her out? Should I just do noting? If its a "professional" relationship, is there a way to change that?

 

I agree with the other posters, I don't think you've been rejected as such because you never asked this woman out or dated at all. You've only hung out with her at the bar, which is her work. I'm assuming she's an attractive woman and she probably gets a lot of guys talking to her and hitting on her because so many people come through the bar.

 

Also I've noticed that bartenders tend to act very friendly and chat to customers because it's part of their job. I regularly go to this nerd and gaming bar and the male bartenders always chat to everyone and they've even paid me compliments, but they weren't actually hitting on me or anything. I mean you are a customer when you come into the bar and it probably is nice for her to actually talk to someone who shares a lot of intelligent common interests. I guarantee you though that she talks to guys (and women) on a very regular basis because that comes with the job of being a bartender.

 

I'm not sure if she's actually romantically interested in you because her texts to you have been very short and not engaging and she hasn't replied to your message for three days. You think it's because she's busy but nobody is busy all the time. She has time off work just like everyone else. If someone is interested in you, it would be obvious because they'd be replying to you quickly and having a lot of conversation. She talked to you at the bar because you went in there and were buying drinks. It's not like she's gonna tell you to go away or anything. The only reason why you had her phone number was to buy the painting. Who knows, if you'd asked for her number straight out, maybe she wouldn't have given it to you.

 

If you really want to know if she'd be interested in you, I think you should actually just ask her out. Make it clear it's a date by suggesting to go out for dinner or something.

 

 

I was there 3 times. She never have spoken a word with the other customers, she shows no interest, speaks nothing, not even smile for most of them. Why she do this with me? Why she asks me to go out for a smoke. I think she do enjoy my company. This does not mean she do enjoy it in romantic way. But she do enjoy it in he bar. I agree that she is in a bar that make her situation hard in the way that she have to be nice to everyone, but why she is extra nice to me? Also, if its a professional relationship, can that be changed?

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Did you ever buy any of her things on display? If not, she may not be interested. You never even asked her out? Why just show up at her workplace and neither buy what you stated you were interested in nor ask her out? Give you a chance at what? You never asked her out you and just blew off buying her work.

I was in a bar with a friend and there was a lady bartender. Ten days passed after that. She still does not respond after 3 days. I want her to give me a chance.
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Thank you for the answers, just two things:

 

1. I wanted to buy the painting before even knowing her. So I never did this deal just to date her or something.

2. I gave her comic book because she liked it, not because I want to hook her is some way, it would be stupid to thing that this is possible. Maybe she view it the same was as you, but I never did it for that reason.

 

So its maybe that I "overshowed" my interest in this last meeting of ours. But anyway should I try to even reach her by going there? Should I try something else? Should I just ask her out? Should I just do noting? If its a "professional" relationship, is there a way to change that?

 

 

 

 

I was there 3 times. She never have spoken a word with the other customers, she shows no interest, speaks nothing, not even smile for most of them. Why she do this with me? Why she asks me to go out for a smoke. I think she do enjoy my company. This does not mean she do enjoy it in romantic way. But she do enjoy it in he bar. I agree that she is in a bar that make her situation hard in the way that she have to be nice to everyone, but why she is extra nice to me? Also, if its a professional relationship, can that be changed?

 

You are not coworkers, so don't have a professional relationship. She may have asked you if you wanted to smoke because she knew you were a smoker.

The only thing you can do is to stop going there and see if she contacts you when she misses seeing you, or ask her out on a date and be okay whether you are rejected, whether she agrees and you have a great time or you go out and see it as more as friends.

 

Keep in mind, bartenders get hit on constantly.

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I don't see any interest in taking things further with you, OP.

 

If she were interested, she wouldn't let three days of silence pass without responding to your message. It sucks, but I wouldn't continue reaching out or dropping by the bar to see her.

 

Well, I have no choose. I have business with that bar because of one of my jobs. So will have to go there from time to time. So ya, its very possible that I will meet her again.

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Why don't you ask her out rather than all the indirect art talk, etc. She may just think you're killing time. You've made enough contact to get her number or social media, no?

I have business with that bar because of one of my jobs. So will have to go there from time to time.
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Why don't you ask her out rather than all the indirect art talk, etc. She may just think you're killing time. You've made enough contact to get her number or social media, no?

 

I have her fb. But thats my post about - she does not respond there (ok, only on this last message, I never messaged her again after ignoring it). Otherwise she is friendly and open but not on social media. I just wonder If its better to just talk to her few times before asking her out. I'm into art as well. And when I asked her what she likes into art she even told me my field... witch is strange, since my art field is very narrow and I'm probably the only famous person with that in my home country. I can only guess if she tried to investigate me. I never told her what king of art I practice. I told her my general art field but not the genre. So I don't know... she also told me directly that our conversations are interesting, but on the same time, ghosting on the social media... I, myself think about few options:

 

1. Positive option - she likes me but after her break up, she does not want to conversate much with a man.

2. Positive option - she likes me but don't want to look easy.

3. Mediocre option - she does or does not like me, but there is another guy she already dates for some time. She does not have a bf.

4. Negative option - she does not like me, she is just very, very friendly and open person so she just kill time with converastions.

5. Negative option - she does not like me, she finds me a creep and is scared.

 

1 and 5 are prob. to much crazy to think about, but still, a rational mind should consider them.

 

So the real question is when is the right time to try something like asking her out.

And a secondary question: how to do this without ruining the possibility to keep her at least as a friend.

Edited by someonej
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It was nice of you to offer to buy her artwork. Did you buy it? After that things seem to get very confusing and it seems like you lost your nerve. What happened? Just ask her out in person. Stop messaging her on facebook. It's a little strange, to be honest. I'd be a bit annoyed with a random buyer (interested party) in my artwork who wants to text me on social media instead of just buying my artwork in person especially if most of our interaction is in person.

 

Don't worry about the comic book. What's done is done. She can enjoy it on her own time and get back to you on your art if she's interested in communicating with you.

 

I think you overextended yourself with offering to get her materials. I wouldn't have done that as it's really none of your business how she procures her materials for art and what you're doing is offering her a contract of sorts. I hope you're not going to do it for free. If it is a business transaction, you should be getting paid for that service/product and coming up with a contract between the both of you or some agreement in writing. You're already offering your support as a patron (buying the artwork). Don't offer to go out of your way like that or involve yourself with someone's business without thinking about yourself or what impact it has on you.

 

About your question on friendship, people normally don't ask someone else to be their friend. You either are a friend or you're not. You care or you don't. It's reciprocated or it's not. It doesn't look like she's doing much reciprocation at this point so you have your answer. I wouldn't push friendship. It's very awkward. Just ask her out on a date and see where that goes.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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It was nice of you to offer to buy her painting. Did you buy it? After that things seem to get very confusing and it seems like you lost your nerve. What happened? Just ask her out in person. Stop messaging her on facebook. It's a little strange, to be honest. I'd be a bit annoyed with a random buyer (interested party) in my artwork who wants to text me on social media instead of just buying my artwork in person especially if most of our interaction is in person.

 

Don't worry about the comic book. What's done is done. She can enjoy it on her own time and get back to you on your art if she's interested in communicating with you.

 

I think you overextended yourself with offering to get her materials. I wouldn't have done that as it's really none of your business how she procures her materials for art and what you're doing is offering her a contract of sorts. I hope you're not going to do it for free. If it is a business transaction, you should be getting paid for that service and coming up with a contract between the both of you or some agreement in writing. Don't offer to go out of your way like that or involve yourself with someone's business without thinking about yourself or what impact it has on you.

 

About your question on friendship, people normally don't ask someone else to be their friend. You either are a friend or you're not. You care or you don't. It's reciprocated or it's not. It doesn't look like she's doing much reciprocation at this point so you have your answer. I wouldn't push friendship. It's very awkward. Just ask her out on a date and see where that goes.

 

I asked for the painting, she was not able to sell it to me, since it was already sold to a random buyer, but she told me that she can paint a copy specially for me. I still wait for the copy, its not ready. That's our deal. So I wait. And I texted her because of our conversations, not because of the deal. About the material, she told me that she struggles to find it and that she tried to find it but wthout success. So I told her, that I may try to find something but I can not promess anything. That was all about it. I rly wanna help her actually. Her art is truly amazing and I can find this specific material easily. But if that will make her dislike me then... I don't know. I really like her..., but... you know... okay, I'm just the casual good guy. And women don't like good guys.

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I asked for the painting, she was not able to sell it to me, since it was already sold to a random buyer, but she told me that she can paint a copy specially for me. I still wait for the copy, its not ready. That's our deal. So I wait. And I texted her because of our conversations, not because of the deal. About the material, she told me that she struggles to find it and that she asked few persons but without success. So I told her, that I may try to find something but I can not promess anything. That was all about it. I rly wanna help her actually. Her art is truly amazing and I can find this specific material easily. But if that will make her dislike me then... I don't know. I really like her..., but... you know... okay, I'm just the casual good guy. And women don't like good guys.

 

That's not true. You are romantically interested in her so it's best to cut to the chase, I think, and just ask her out. There's no need for all the speculation. It's causing you to be more confused and think twice about yourself. Your self-esteem is plummeting just going back and forth on it.

 

Sorry I missed the point about waiting for the new copy. Good idea - wait for the copy and enjoy her company in person. Ask her out at the bar since that's where you see her most in person. I still wouldn't offer to get her any materials related to her artwork. You don't know her very well, what type of person she is, what she does with the proceeds or why she does art in the first place. I also don't think you should be doing it for free or offering your help this early on especially if you can't promise anything in the first place. My idea about this is off limits as it's not any of your business (not a hard and fast rule and I don't think it's making her dislike you). I just think you're not thinking clearly and you're creating reasons for her to be tied or indebted to you in some way. That's a bit strange to me. As an artist, I'm sure she enjoys your appreciation of her work and the idea that there may be a new source for her materials (through you). If you can't promise anything or aren't certain, I wouldn't have said a word. This is just me though. I'm sure different people might feel differently. Enjoy her company and see whether she's interested in you. Don't create webs of indebtedness or other reasons to get back in touch with each other.

 

Just ask her out already.

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That's not true. You are romantically interested in her so it's best to cut to the chase, I think, and just ask her out. There's no need for all the speculation. It's causing you to be more confused and think twice about yourself. Your self-esteem is plummeting just going back and forth on it.

 

Sorry I missed the point about waiting for the new copy. Good idea - wait for the copy and enjoy her company in person. Ask her out at the bar since that's where you see her most in person. I still wouldn't offer to get her any materials related to her artwork. You don't know her very well, what type of person she is, what she does with the proceeds or why she does art in the first place. I also don't think you should be doing it for free or offering your help this early on especially if you can't promise anything in the first place. My idea about this is off limits as it's not any of your business (not a hard and fast rule and I don't think it's making her dislike you). I just think you're not thinking clearly and you're creating reasons for her to be tied or indebted to you in some way. That's a bit strange to me. As an artist, I'm sure she enjoys your appreciation of her work and the idea that there may be a new source for her materials (through you). If you can't promise anything or aren't certain, I wouldn't have said a word. This is just me though. I'm sure different people might feel differently. Enjoy her company and see whether she's interested in you. Don't create webs of indebtedness or other reasons to get back in touch with each other.

 

Just ask her out already.

 

I'm very sure can find the material for her to use it for years and very easily. I just have a link. So not, I was not lying. I just told it that way.

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She doesn't know your name? If you are interested in her it doesn't matter if you're van Gogh or the Sultan of Brunei, you're going to have to ask her out. You are overthinking this. Just pull the trigger, get a cup of coffee together.

my art field is very narrow and I'm probably the only famous person with that in my home country. I can only guess if she tried to investigate me. I never told her what king of art I practice.
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If you are doing business with the bar, she is chatty with you because you have a business relationship as a supplier, a plumber, or something.

that changes things immensely. And maybe she isn't interested because of that, but more likely, you are not on her radar.

 

 

Why not buy another painting or tell her not to worrry about making a copy.

Now, maybe she doesn't contact you because she has no news to report/feels pressured to paint a duplicate.

 

I think you did too much too soon - if you are already connected on social media that quickly - to me that's putting yourself in the friendzone.

 

Do not communicate anymore online - its one sided. Either ask her out or don't.

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If she told you she can't find the materials, that's a stall tactic. She is not eager to make you a copy

 

The material is not for this work, but another. And my business relation is not with the owner or something I have no "professional power" over her, its different, but I have to drop there from time to time as an artist, not the bar staff and because of the guests.

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The material is not for this work, but another. And my business relation is not with the owner or something I have no "professional power" over her, its different, but I have to drop there from time to time as an artist, not the bar staff and because of the guests.

 

okay ...so she is the bartender AND an artist there and you are an artist there (artist, musician?) so in otherwords her connecting with you on social media has no bearing on romantic interest. It means diddly squat as far as interpreting anything. I think she asked you to smoke more as a camararderie thing. I would just go to the bar when you are supposed to go to the bar normally and try to get to know her a little better if that's what you want, but i am still siding on that she doesn't even know she is on your radar. But i don't see her swooning over you, either. She is doing her job as a bartender and connecting with you on social media because you are connected by the bar. Either ask her out or don't. But there is no"being ghosted" in any way here.

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