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Getting her to want me again


l123
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The story so far…

 

I am unhappily married and she has a boyfriend whom she is frustrated with, however…..

 

Jan 2019 - June (not her real name) started at my work (a school) – I am senior to her. The attraction was instant between us and we would send nice messages to each other…

 

March 2019 – I had helped her out by writing a reference for a job at work. She WhatsApp’d me and my wife saw. She was not pleased. I ended up telling June that she could not WhatsApp me anymore. Things went quiet for a bit and then we started flirting again.

 

April 2019 – At a works do. We were chatting, I was staring at her, it was like there was no one else in the room! Other colleagues noticed and told her to stay away from me. At the end of the night I offered her a lift home. She accepted. We hugged passionately goodbye and then I told her that I had thought about kissing her. We didn’t because I could not go through with it.

The next day I told my wife that I gave June a lift home. She hit the roof and messaged her on Instagram. I emailed June apologising for all the grief I caused. She said that she was pleased that she asked what I was thinking. She still likes me.

 

April/ June 2019 – it was a bit awkward at work but we soon got back to flirting. I emailed to ask what would have happened if I tried to kiss her, she said she could not tell me because if she was too honest that would change our relationship. However if we both were single it would have been a definite…. I asked if we could talk about it in person. We never did.

 

June/ July 2019 – the emails and flirting between us petered off. Things got worse at home with my wife. My feelings for June got more intense.

 

Summer break – We did not contact each other at all.

 

Sept 2019 – A bit awkward to start with but the flirting and looks started to happen again. I then almost broke up with my wife. I told June all about it and I think that this put her off. She would still email me a few times but not that much.

 

Oct 2019 – She now emails infrequently. I get few flirty looks at work. But we still have some nice chats and I can make her laugh. I think we know that we are not friends.

 

Is the attraction still there ? Yes (I think), but she is not as forward anymore.

 

I do not know what to do next to get us back to where we were (and more!) Please help.

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Lol. So staying married is what you believe keeps her interested? Unfortunately it sounds like you're the one who is obsessed with her. But you are not splitting up with your wife. That is just another line you're feeding her. This sounds more like a game to you. Sadly you are harming your wife/family with your bs games.

don't women want what they can't get? When i told her I would likely be splitting up from my wife it did not make her want me more...
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True , but don't women want what they can't get? Or do you think she is just starting to give up now as it is not achievable? When i told her I would likely be splitting up from my wife it did not make her want me more...

 

This.

 

And no, women don't always want what they can't get - especially when it's a married man who shows poor character traits. Some will ignore that wedding ring and for it anyway, but you'd be very naive to assume that applies to all women in general.

 

It sounds like this particular woman doesn't want to get involved any further when it can't go anywhere. Not much you can do when you're not single.

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Thanks All!

 

It's not a game to me.

 

I guess i have a decision to make re my current relationship. We have been married twelve years and it has been tough. I haven't even looked at another women for all that time but it wasn't until I met June and she showed some interest in me that I realised that I no longer loved my wife. If I am going to leave my wife it would be for June. However if June is not interested anymore it makes it harder. The right thing to do is probably leave my wife so that we can both be happy and get on with our live (June or no June)...

 

And yes, i am getting obsessed but I am not a creep and am playing it cool at work - as hard as that is.

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What an unusual story. 🙈🙉🙊 Listen, leave your wife or not, but this woman doesn't want you anymore. When your wife finds out (and she will) you will feel like you sat on a saguaro cactus 🌵 when her attorney sends you the papers.

We have been married twelve years and it has been tough. it wasn't until I met June and she showed some interest in me that I realised that I no longer loved my wife.
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Yep, June is going to find you uber attractive when your broke behind is sitting in your 300 square foot unfurnished studio flat after your wife kicks you out and takes you to the cleaners for repeated cheating. Not to mention the allure of being a selfish cheater.

 

I sure hope you don't have kids.

 

Stop this juvenile silliness and get back to work. And either work on your marriage or divorce your wife.

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It's your own fault for losing love for your wife, because yes, it takes effort to remain a spark and work together on problems.

 

And a person who crosses boundaries with someone taken? They don't want a serious relationship with you. They want the temporary excitement to spice up their life. That's why, when the idea of you being totally single was a possibility, she totally lost interest.

 

Your lack of common sense is also missing, because you think a woman who flirts with a married man will be an ideal partner. With her lack of ethics, there's a high probability that if she did get with you, she would be flirting with other men because that's okay by her. She doesn't care about who she hurts.

 

You've also made yourself look really bad at work. A married man being inappropriate with a younger co-worker.

 

Your poor wife lacks self esteem, otherwise she would have started divorce proceedings by now. She doesn't deserve this treatment. Do what's best for her rather than yourself for once, and either pull out all the stops to fix the marriage or get a divorce so your wife can find a faithful partner who is crazy about her.

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Get a divorce.

 

What's wrong with you treating women this way? That's your wife..you don't go after other women when you are married.

If you want to go after other women, get a divorce.

 

And what's wrong with June behaving this way with a married man?

 

Both of you have low morals.

 

Yep, June is going to find you uber attractive when your broke behind is sitting in your 300 square foot unfurnished studio flat after your wife kicks you out and takes you to the cleaners for repeated cheating. Not to mention the allure of being a selfish cheater.

 

Agree!! You'll end up with nothing and you know what? You deserve it the way you are behaving. Or better still...you do end up getting June and she cheats on you.

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Unfortunately this reflects on your character... it will catch up to you. I think you're very aware you need to separate and file for divorce with your wife. Questioning June and instigating her at work for attention only tells me about how unhappy you are at home and you're looking for a distraction. It's as basic as putting food or water to one's mouth when hungry or thirsty. You're using June and again, it reflects on you and how weak and vulnerable you are at this time.

 

If you have any other form of support other than a forum, I'd suggest you start becoming more engaged with it (your community, your church, your friends, your hobbies). You will need a lot of strength to separate and divorce from your wife and it doesn't look like you have it right now. You're trying to gain it from a romance but, as we all know, romances and relationships are often unreliable and unpredictable. Be a bit more sensible and start doing things the right away. Save a new romance for later when you're in a better place.

 

June appears very naive or very mentally unstable/starved for attention. You might want to reevaluate those traits in a partner.

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Rose Mosse - You have put this better than I ever could. Thank you. :D

 

I am not defending my actions and nothing physical has happened but everyone deserves love and to be loved. I haven't got that and I guess I am looking for June to fill that gap. I think they call in an emotional affair.

 

I can hand-on-heart say that I have tried to make things right with my wife but there comes a point where things have to change. June was the catalyst for me realising how I truly felt about my wife. Sometimes you don't even realise the situation you are in...

 

Is June right for me?? It would appear not from the responses in this forum however our one saving grace is that we are both in a similar situation and both decided not to take it to the next level. Some will argue that the level that we have taken it to is too much I am sure...

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You have put this better than I ever could. Thank you. :D

 

I am not defending my actions and nothing physical has happened but everyone deserves love and to be loved. I haven't got that and I guess I am looking for June to fill that gap. I think they call in an emotional affair.

 

I can hand-on-heart say that I have tried to make things right with my wife but there comes a point where things have to change. June was the catalyst for me realising how I truly felt about my wife. Sometimes you don't even realise the situation you are in...

 

Is June right for me?? It would appear not from the responses in this forum however our one saving grace is that we are both in a similar situation and both decided not to take it to the next level. Some will argue that the level that we have taken it to is too much I am sure...

 

Yep, your wife for one.

 

Now that you've determined you don't love your wife, what are you going to do about it?

 

Trying to have an affair is one answer but it will end up in chaos and destruction. What other options are you considering?

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Getting a flat!

 

And a divorce, I hope.

 

I hope you're not "getting a flat" just so you can be available to June or other women. The right thing to do would be to sit down with your wife and tell her exactly how you're feeling about the marriage.

 

I did it. After two years of trying to make my marriage work I finally realized we just didn't belong together. So I sat my husband down and let him know that I would be moving out and filing for divorce.

 

BTW, I didn't just spring it on him. We'd had three talks before the final one where I told him I wasn't happy with the way our marriage was going. At first he said he'd do whatever it took to save it, but the next time we talked he said he wasn't going to try to make it work. So I really had no choice.

 

Talk to your wife.

 

Also, if you have kids you can't just boogie out the door. You have to take them into very important consideration.

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I think you know what to do. You also mentioned neither of you (your coworker and yourself) are going to pursue any relationship beyond the flirting in the office space. There is a universal rule that by disrespecting others, we disrespect ourselves. If you remain cordial and respectful to everyone involved it will come back to you.

 

I don't suggest going beyond those flirtatious glances and jokes at work. You seem to suggest that she's in a similar situation and therefore she may also be married. Keep things lighthearted and professional especially in the work space and don't go beyond that. Stop instigating her so often if you find you don't have control over your thoughts and your emotions are out of control. If she's avoiding you, do not harass her or, worse, receive a warning or lose your job over it.

 

I think you're actually in a lot of pain and you have nowhere to put it or you don't know how to work through your guilt in breaking up your marriage.

 

I'd remain humble about it and don't flaunt your freedom even if you move out. Take things one day at a time. Keep your chin up and do things right.

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I can hand-on-heart say that I have tried to make things right with my wife but there comes a point where things have to change. June was the catalyst for me realising how I truly felt about my wife. Sometimes you don't even realise the situation you are in...

 

When all is said and done, your clever plan will end with you standing alone, (imo). The one and only victim here is your wife--Remember her?

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Thank you Rose Mosse.

 

If you remain cordial and respectful to everyone involved it will come back to you.

 

Did you mean if I don't remain cordial?

 

I think you're actually in a lot of pain and you have nowhere to put it or you don't know how to work through your guilt in breaking up your marriage.

 

Both! :(

 

I hope you're not "getting a flat" just so you can be available to June or other women. The right thing to do would be to sit down with your wife and tell her exactly how you're feeling about the marriage..

 

No, June has just made me realise what I need to do. Honestly I would love to start something with her - if only to get that feeling back. But i know I must do it the right way. I am not over the top at work. Sometimes I avoid her as well! I am trying to just keep it cool...

 

My wife and I have spoken many times. The cards are on the table. I want it to be amicable but it won’t be. She gets very angry and I am concerned for her. This is part of the reason I have not left yet. When (not if atm) it happens I need to make sure she has loads of support around her.

 

 

Thank you for your support. I have no-one to talk this through with.

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I wrote my MIL a letter letting her know that her son and I would be splitting up and that I was sorry for how things turned out. She wrote me a very nice reply, basically saying she understood that marriages have problems that sometimes aren't overcome and that I would always have a place in her family. We had two kids so I'm positive that was a factor, but even now that the kids are grown she and I have a good relationship.

 

Can you send your in laws a letter explaining that you have a lot of respect for your wife but you have decided to divorce? Ask them to provide support to her. I can't guarantee they'll think you're the greatest guy ever but at least they'll have a heads up. Don't send this letter until after you file, of course.

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Stop this juvenile silliness and get back to work.

 

This right here. ^^^

 

Obviously if co-workers are noticing and telling her to stay away from you, then you are not nearly as suave as you think you are. You are at work, not a singles function. June and your marriage are two separate entities; if your marriage is over then address that and do what is necessary, whether that be divorce or attempt to reconcile or what. Divorcing because you found something better is always a bad idea because in the (in this case extemely likely) event that it doesn't work out, then what? Make sure you can be on your own and work on your own issues before you involve another person in your life again.

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