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Long story short, we dated for a year, best friends for 9 before that.

I thought everything was going fairly well, a few little arguments but nothing overly major. Just 3 days before he left we bought a pet together, this break up was spontaneous not pre thought out

 

The day before he left me we'd had an argument, I'm good at admitting when I'm wrong but this argument really wasn't my fault and I stayed calm and tried to resolve it.

He didn't want to see me, but he'd messaged me saying he wasn't sure about us any more. Then he asks me to go to dinner with his family, so I do and ask to speak to him afterwards. We speak, and he says he's not sure he wants to be with me anymore, I was obviously very upset and totally didn't see it coming, but tried to stay calm and not get angry, and it ended with me saying I didn't want to be with someone who isn't sure about if they want me. I asked to collect my things as I was dropping him home anway. He declined and seemed panicked and more upset than I was, so I agreed. When I left his, he asked to keep contact. He didn't want a clean cut (I did, as I've left a 5 year relationship and I didn't want to be strung along again). This was on a Sunday, I didn't message at all and he messaged me on Monday night saying he couldn't bear not knowing if I was okay and that he needed to see me

So he came over Tuesday, and we agreed to attempt to try and work on things slowly. I agreed, so along as there would be no one else whilst we worked through this - he agreed.

All I asked from him during this time, was that he let me knows when he gets home safely. Not who he's with, Where's he's going, just that he gets home safe. As he works till early hours and has an hour walk home, I used to pick him up because its a dangerous road and I hated the thought of him walking alone in the dark.

He invites me to go out with his family the following Sunday, I agree. He goes out drinking the Saturday night (totally out of character, he hates drinking usually) but again, all I asked was to let me know he was safe.

When I woke up, he hadn't messaged so I contacted to politely say that this wasn't doing my anxiety any good, and that I was going to stop speaking to him until he decides what he wants as this half assing it was too much for me.

When he contacts me about 4 days later, he said it didn't feel right trying to work it out any more and he hopes we can stay friends. I didn't beg, but I didn't ask him if he was sure if it's what he really wanted. He said it was, he said things might change in the future but didn't want to hold out on that - fair enough, it hurt but I tried to understand.

I asked when to grab my things, and he kept putting it off until I told him I was just coming to get it because dragging it out seemed pointless - he said it felt like I was just removing him quickly. When I arrive at his, he was very upset. Very tearful, but he said going back wouldn't work as I wouldn't trust him again - I agreed, it would be extremely hard to go back.

Since then, he kept pestering me late at night for sex, the first time I explicitly told him how much it hurt me and I wouldn't accept it. He did it again a few days later, so I told him us being friends wasn't going to work. He understood, and said he was sorry and that he wishes me well. He then blocks me on everything bar Facebook.

He then kept liking lots of my posts, and i decided after about a month on no contact to unfriended. How can I move on, with his name popping up every few days

A day after I unfriended him I got a message just regarding some money that of his that hadcgone missing.

That was 10 days ago, since then no contact whatsoever.

 

Now, I'm in a MUCH better headspace than I was in the beginning. I can't read into messages, I don't have false hope and I'm slowly reaching the acceptance stage of this breakup. But there's this part of me that still really wants to contact him. I feel like I gave up too easily, because I wanted to keep my dignity and not degrade myself like I did with my last partner. (which worked, but we split again and it was HORRIFIC)

I really just need someone to give me their opinions on my situations and talk me out of doing something I may very well regret :(

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Use common sense. It's over. Don't contact him. Be strong, remain tough and carry on. He's done with you and you are done with him.

 

You will regret it if you always go backwards with your attempts to contact him when the relationship is dead.

 

He should be out of sight, out of mind in order for you to forge ahead with your life. Have a sense of purpose and stop obsessing over him because he's not worth it. You deserve so much better. Give yourself self-respect and move on. It's a relief that he's no more. Good riddance!

 

If you want to keep your dignity and NOT degrade yourself, stop looking back at him all the time. Move forward and have a fresh start with your life. Be wise from now on. I'm sorry you're going through this. Time will heal your old wounds someday.

 

Distract yourself with mentally healthy distractions. Exercise, eat well, surround yourself with very decent, honorable people and you will be ok!

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Second guessing and doubt are part of every breakup and probably everyone on this forum knows what it’s like to agonize over the “coulda, shoulda, wouldas.” Sorry you’re feeling torn - but to me it sounds like you know exactly what it is that’s truly best for you in this situation and it sounds like you’re healthy enough to do exactly that. Keep us posted?

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The breakup was definitely not spontaneous.

Often the person dumped believes it was out of the blue and therefore struggles to understand.

 

The reason you believe it was spontaneous was because of buying a pet.

But you don’t live together.

So essentially what happened is that one of you bought a pet and the other went along and helped choose , perhaps even pay.

But certainly no sign of commitment to either the relationship or pet.

 

The guy simply wants to be single. Yes sure he likes you but not enough to give up single life.

 

What would you want to gain by contacting him?

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I feel like I gave up too easily, because I wanted to keep my dignity and not degrade myself like I did with my last partner. (which worked, but we split again and it was HORRIFIC)

 

You've got that backwards.

 

He gave up. You had no choice but to follow suit. You were not the one to suddenly end it. That's on him, so you need to let go of the narrative that this is somehow your fault and that you had any control over the outcome. He orchestrated this by initiating the break-up. What you did or didn't do thereafter wouldn't have changed a thing.

 

And as Billie points out, this almost certainly was not spontaneous on his part. You might not have seen it coming, but unless the guy is mentally unstable, it is very unlikely he hadn't previously thought about ending it before he actually did. Something in him wanted out and the last argument was the exit hatch for him. Sometimes dumpers will manufacture conflict to give themselves more tangible "permission" to end it, so to speak. What was the argument about, anyway?

 

To answer your initial question, there is no sense in contacting him. He doesn't want to reconcile and I don't think he ever really did. He also showed you he will disrespect your feelings enough to try to get some on-strings sex from you, which is the height of selfish immaturity on his part. You don't want a guy who will do something like that to a woman he's just dumped. It speaks volumes about his character, and it's not good.

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Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he's been unhappy and planning his exit for a while, despite "buying a pet together". It also seems you were much more invested and read too much into things, such as "buying a pet together" which means nothing.

 

He may have precipitated the argument as part of that exit plan. It sounds like you were friends and he didn't want to be bf/gf, just fwb. There could be someone else he's seeing but still wants you as a fwb/backup plan. Block and delete him and all his people. He's not your friend.

The day before he left me we'd had an argument.

He didn't want to see me, but he'd messaged me saying he wasn't sure about us any more.

he's not sure he wants to be with me anymore. it ended with me saying I didn't want to be with someone who isn't sure about if they want me.

A day after I unfriended him I got a message just regarding some money that of his that hadcgone missing.

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It wasn't just the pet that made me think was spontaneous though, but regardless if it was spontaneous or not it doesn't really matter now anyway, he left anyway.

I'm kind of over the "I want him back" phase, but 9 years of friendship just gone, hurts the most. I guess I'm just having a bit of a bad week, probably because I tried dating again to realise how awful dating is!

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Yeah, I think the argument was definitely precipitated as it was so ridiculous and uncessary! I was worried about him seeing someone else, I think that's why I tried to stay friends so I could know. But I wouldn't have a clue now, don't have him on anything or any way of seeing. I don't worry about it so much any more

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Yeah, I think the argument was definitely precipitated as it was so ridiculous and uncessary! I was worried about him seeing someone else, I think that's why I tried to stay friends so I could know. But I wouldn't have a clue now, don't have him on anything or any way of seeing. I don't worry about it so much any more

 

Perhaps your intuition was trying to tell you something. In other words, maybe you were correctly sensing that something wasn't right.

 

What led you to believe he was seeing someone else?

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Well he'd recently moved house and started a new job, and he began to speak of this new girl and how she'd made him laugh that shift. Shortly after the breakup they started hanging out more outside of work. And the fact when she started, is when things seemed to start going downwards for us, and he said to me "he wants to make us work, but he can't. It doesn't feel right" it felt like he felt guilty for something but he denied their being anyone else, but my dad has had his suspicions too and my dad's rarely wrong. My dad was actually so surprised that he seemed to just change person overnight, i couldn't make sense of anything he was saying. I donsuffer with anxiety, which had an effect on our relationship despite me trying to contain it. (since breakup have gone into therapy to work on these issues) and he told me he felt like he lost who he was and sacrificed too much to make me happy - he did say it wasn't my fault, and that he chose to give certain things up but I definitely shouldnt have made him feel like he had too, but at the time, I really had no idea he was doing it as he never told me how it made it feel.

The new girl, from what I've heard, is actually a lot like me. Fun, likes to party and seems just genuinely nice. Maybe he thought it would be better with her as she might not have the issues I have, but there's no point speculating because I have no idea if anythings happened or if I've over thought myself in making up an entirely untrue situation. I guess I'll never know

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I have to say, I wondered from your first post if he'd met someone else.

 

His behaviour during and after the break-up could be argued to be consistent with someone who is bouncing between a couple people and not being totally honest. This is why I asked what the argument was about.

 

However, as you said, it is actually not that important anymore. He decided he didn't want to continue the relationship, which hurts, but is all the reason you need not to contact him now. No good will come of it.

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Your intuition sounds correct. He picked a fight to get out of it. And he may be interested in someone else. How old is he? If you know each other for a decade you know his dating/relationship history, no?

I think the argument was definitely precipitated. I was worried about him seeing someone else, I think that's why I tried to stay friends so I could know.
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I'm 21, he's 22. So yeah, very young and inexperienced.

I was his longest relationship, none of his others made it past 5 months or so.

Its hard to wrap my head around, because our relationship really did seem great until the last couple of days. We'd been on holiday together, he got on great with my family (who all already knew him before we got together). Our love was very passionate and whenever we were together, we made others smile. It was all so intense and passionate all the time, maybe that was the problem. Extreme highs, and extreme lows :(

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So you've been friends since age 11/12? Ok you both need to move on and date new and different people. let go . Evolve. Grow. Spread your wings a bit. He is trying too and you should do the same.

I'm 21, he's 22. we dated for a year, best friends for 9 before that.
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That is a very good idea. If you are afraid to face the world and people some short term therapy could give you some tips and a place to unpack and sort some of this out.

 

That's not a good reason to hide behind him and avoid living your own life. Get involved in school or work. Take some classes, courses, etc. Join some clubs or groups or volunteer. Start looking for a place to live with other young adults. You can't stay 12 years old in puppy love forever.

So far every date I've been on since has just made me feel worse
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I'm actually already back in therapy, and I've taken up guitar lessons to fill some of my spare time. Up until this last week, I'd been doing really with moving on.

We weren't together since we were 12, actually when I was friends with him I was in a serious relationship with someone else (last lasted 5 years) we were only together a year.

I guess he was the one who had helped me through everything, even before the relationship began, he helped me with the loss of my first relationship and I miss that friendship and safety. It was the same with him, when he split with a partner long long before we got together, it was my house he ended up coming too.

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IMO being continuously in relationships since you were 14/15 will turn you codependent. I think it would be wise to give yourself a break from relaitonship to discover yourself, and what kind of person you want to be. So far you let a relationship define you. Be independent, think about your own life, and build it from there.

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This is actually something me and my therapist have been touching on in our last session. I'm not very good at dealing with things on my own, and as my mum suffers really bad mental health issues I feel like I have to stay strong to look after them, and my partner felt like my only safe place and without that I'm feeling a little bit lost.

I do realise how utterly unhealthy this is, I just haven't experienced life any other way yet.

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This is actually something me and my therapist have been touching on in our last session. I'm not very good at dealing with things on my own, and as my mum suffers really bad mental health issues I feel like I have to stay strong to look after them, and my partner felt like my only safe place and without that I'm feeling a little bit lost.

I do realise how utterly unhealthy this is, I just haven't experienced life any other way yet.

 

This is an excellent opportunity to learn how to manage life's stresses and obstacles on your own.

 

You'll take the skills you learn with you, regardless of your relationship status.

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Your gut reaction told both you and him that you didn't want to remain involved with someone who wasn't sure where he stood with you. Go with that, and you'll thank yourself later.

 

Head high, and hold out for someone who is 'all in'.

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Sorry to hear this. Are you working or attending college? Some day he will start getting busy with life, dating etc and you can't be a crutch anymore. Don't let that day come and allow the rug to be pulled out. Start making more friends. Start working part time and start looking for affordable housing, house shares, roommates, and strive to become more independent.

I'm actually already back in therapy. I guess he was the one who had helped me through everything, even before the relationship began, he helped me with the loss of my first relationship and I miss that friendship and safety.
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I do work yeah, worked straight after I finished college! I'm independent physically, I.e I pay my own way, I drive and I don't rely on others in that sense, it's just emotionally that I don't deal so well on my own.

I actually have a fair amount of savings, that me and my now ex partner were saving as a deposit for a place, but since the relationship broke down it threw things off in that sense.

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