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Should I Ruin My Three Year Relationship?


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I’m 20(f) I have been with my boyfriend for over three years now and we are about to buy a house together.

We’re high school sweethearts and he’s been a guiding light through me getting kicked out of my parents house, my pedophilic abuser trying to come back into my life after six years, and throughout my struggles with depression.

 

One night after a party with some friends, I got very drunk. To the point where I don’t remember much. From what i recalled, I spent the night watching movies while my boyfriend slept. There was a broken glass that must’ve been me and it jogged my memory. When I get drunk i get very horny (for lack of a better word) and I reached out to a guy from Omegle and started sending him risqué pictures of myself. No face or anything and they were even old pictures. I remember telling him to come and meet me, but I know for certain I didn’t have any intentions of sleeping with him. It was all about the attention for me.

 

For context, this was a frequent thing I did when I was younger. I had very destructive behavior from drugs and a rough home life. I would reach out to random guys I didn’t know and bait them into complimenting me and “wanting me.” I know this is a terrible thing so please don’t call me a in the comments. I know I need therapy and I am working on it, but as a college student my funds are limited.

 

The shame of what I did that drunken night is killing me. I tried telling my boyfriend but all I was able to get out was that I had been “leading other guys on” without any details. He was hurt but he forgave me.

Am I a terrible person? Should I tell him everything? If I tell him I am ruining this next step we’re taking by buying a house. We’ve talked about cheating before and he’s said he draws the line at having sex with another person, but what if he’s only saying that?

 

tl;dr I sexted someone outside of my relationship while I was very drunk just for attention without the intention of physical sex. Should my relationship end over this?

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You're in college. How are you affording a house at the same time or is this your boyfriend that's buying the home? Based on your confusion, I don't recommend purchasing a home or moving in with anyone right now. If you're still with family or relatives, stay with your relatives or find a living situation for yourself that doesn't include moving in or living with a boyfriend. In my opinion, you're too young and confused and you're not in a good place mentally or emotionally.

 

Limit your drinks and stay sober next time, stop that cycle of behaviour that puts you at risk. Part of growing up means learning to make difficult (often boring) decisions that help you in the long run, not destroy you or the people and relationships around you.

 

If you are looking for a reason to break up with your boyfriend, end it on neutral terms. Don't start looking for trouble and using excuses to break up with someone. It's immature and uncalled for. No one deserves that.

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Where do you live now? Do you both work? Why did your parents "kick you out"? You may want to get some group support therapy and stay clean and sober. It doesn't cost anything. You life is not going to turn around until you stop making up excuses and stop getting wasted.

I’m 20(f) I have been with my boyfriend for over three years now and we are about to buy a house together. getting kicked out of my parents house

 

When I get drunk i get very horny

 

I reached out to a guy from Omegle and started sending him risqué pictures of myself. this was a frequent thing I did when I was younger. I had very destructive behavior from drugs and a rough home life. I would reach out to random guys I didn’t know and bait them into complimenting me and “wanting me.”

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I’ve lived with my boyfriend for a year now. We both work full time and go to school part time. My parents kicked me out because they are religious and strict and one day when I was 18 I told my dad I was going to a family member’s house without asking and he through all of my things in trash bags so I had to move.

My dad had trust issues with me after he caught me when I was eleven “talking” to an adult male. Of course this man was a pedophile and most people wouldn’t blame me, but my dad believed I was mature enough and should’ve known better idk

 

Therapy is expensive where I live, insurance does not cover everything and school therapists are backlogged (America struggles). Trust me I’m staying sober.

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You won't want to hear this, but if you engage in reckless behavior when drunk, you should remain sober the rest of your life. If you can't afford therapy, how can you afford the down payment of a house, homeowner's insurance, property taxes, and closing costs?

 

You're in no place, emotionally or likely financially, to make a major decision like buying a home with a man when your foundation is on sand instead of solid concrete right now. The late teens to the late twenties is usually a period of extreme growth and evolution. What you want when younger can do a 360 by the time a decade passes. The human brain isn't even fully formed until age 25, so if I were you, I'd concentrate on college and hold off on major decisions with your bf until your brain matures a bit. There's no hurry, and with a degree under your belt and more years together to see if you still feel the same about him or not and vice versa, you'll feel more confident in your decision. Good luck.

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Exactly. Things are not adding up. And...staying sober has a ton of Free support groups.

You won't want to hear this, but if you engage in reckless behavior when drunk, you should remain sober the rest of your life. If you can't afford therapy, how can you afford the down payment of a house, homeowner's insurance, property taxes, and closing costs?
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I mean, I'd almost respect the drunk excuse more if you full-on had sex with a dude because he happened to be in front of you. At least that's somewhat linear. But insofar as you live with your boyfriend, you get drunk and horny, and somehow your inebriated default is look up other dude to sext... yeah, that's not computing as just an "lol too much vodka."

 

If you don't want to admit what you did or break up with him, the next most basic decent human being thing to do is not go in on a home purchase with him until you've got yourself sorted out. It's in your best interests either way. If you're saving up for a home, you've got money that should be going into some clinical therapy going by your list of experiences and issues.

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Rose this is one of the most thoughtful responses I could’ve gotten, so I thank you for that.

I love him. Like any relationship we have ups and downs. Some weeks we’re a little out of sync, but we try our best to communicate through it. We fit so well together, we make each other laugh, we handle problems together well. We’re both aware of our youth but also both of us are working towards building a better future for the other. He knows I have baggage and is always willing to help me when I need it. He was the first stable thing I’ve had in my life. I know I don’t deserve him now, but more than anything I don’t want to lose him.

 

I think for him, he thinks of our relationship as healthy and loving. He sees a lot more in me than I do. I know he must think of us as a couple very highly because of how hard he works to build a future for us.

People say we’re young I know, but I know we compliment each other in the best ways and I know if we stay together we’ll build a happy life.

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Exactly. Things are not adding up. And...staying sober has a ton of Free support groups.

 

The reason I can’t afford therapy right now, but can afford a house is because of my budget. I budgeted more for the house and haven’t quite reached what I needed for therapy. Even the house budget, my boyfriend contributes the most because he has a high paying job.

Honestly I haven’t put therapy as high up in properties as I needed to. I am doing that now.

 

Also the house is a townhome, not an actual house so it’s cheaper

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Rose this is one of the most thoughtful responses I could’ve gotten, so I thank you for that.

I love him. Like any relationship we have ups and downs. Some weeks we’re a little out of sync, but we try our best to communicate through it. We fit so well together, we make each other laugh, we handle problems together well. We’re both aware of our youth but also both of us are working towards building a better future for the other. He knows I have baggage and is always willing to help me when I need it. He was the first stable thing I’ve had in my life. I know I don’t deserve him now, but more than anything I don’t want to lose him.

 

I think for him, he thinks of our relationship as healthy and loving. He sees a lot more in me than I do. I know he must think of us as a couple very highly because of how hard he works to build a future for us.

People say we’re young I know, but I know we compliment each other in the best ways and I know if we stay together we’ll build a happy life.

 

If this is truly the case, I'd focus more on the positives and let go of the negatives. Don't allow the past to keep traumatizing you and having that negative hold on you. Take the good parts with you, heal and leave the bad parts in the past. The more you keep training yourself to think positively and make better decisions for your future, the easier it will get with time. I'd try to be open to the future and check yourself when you begin to do things that jeopardize your present and future plans with your boyfriend. You have a whole new life ahead of you.

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OP, are you sure you're actually ready to make such a huge commitment to your boyfriend?

 

You're young, and have been together for 3 years. That's a long time in that stage of our lives. I realize he's a stable force in your life and loves you, but I have to wonder if some of this sexting is also borne out of the fact that you might not be ready to settle down and commit to him and only him forever.

 

It is normal to be curious about what else is out there when you haven't had much dating and life experience yet. To be clear, it doesn't make sexting someone else okay. I simply bring this up to present an alternative explanation for your behaviour, one that I would urge you to reflect on before committing any further.

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Being able to buy a material things doesn't compare to being in an emotionally healthy place. You'll have a house and not be able to support it. Not in the sense that you'll be a stable and responsible partner.

 

This is the exaggeration of the putting the cart before the horse.

Please invest in yourself first and foremost. The rest will come and you will be more inclined to be successful at it.

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I don’t think it’s fair to dump your shiznit on a partner in order to free yourself of your guilt. The best apology here is changed behavior in my opinion.

 

Sounds like you had a rough past and he’s been a positive, healthy partner through much of it? If you want to break up that’s ok and it’s probably just your word choice in the title of this thread but you can make a change to the single side without “ruining” everything that was good in the relationship too - if that’s what you want to do.

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You are so not ready to buy a house with anyone, never mind a boyfriend. You are too young and immature and your drinking issue will surely land you in hot water. You need to clean up your act before you enter into anything legal like buying a house. Some therapy is in order too.

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This has nothing to do with drinking alcohol but more to do with alcohol bringing out the real you.

 

Your bf is not your knight in shining armour. He was more of a safety net.

 

I’m sorry for what you have been subjected to in the past , but your safety net will eventually wear away. And you will have to deal with your issues without it eventually.

 

If you can save for a house , you can afford therapy.

 

You will lose the house, the bf, the safety net if you do not first seek therapy.

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Your boyfriend might feel like a safe harbor from everything that troubles you, but he can't shield you from those things forever. As you found, these things have a way of sneaking out when your defenses are down.

 

It almost seems like you feel you don't "deserve" a nice guy like him, like you're "damaged goods" and he can do better. So you're attempting to sabotage the relationship. Or, maybe you just want to be free. Because the guy is emotionally supportive doesn't mean you love him as a man or future husband.

 

I married the nice guy who took care of me because I too had past childhood trauma. I married him BECAUSE he took care of me, not because I loved him as a husband and wanted to share a life with him. We ended up divorced after 2 kids because we discovered how truly incompatible we were. The caretaker/wounded bird dynamic will only last so long.

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The reason I can’t afford therapy right now, but can afford a house is because of my budget. I budgeted more for the house and haven’t quite reached what I needed for therapy. Even the house budget, my boyfriend contributes the most because he has a high paying job.

Honestly I haven’t put therapy as high up in properties as I needed to. I am doing that now.

 

Also the house is a townhome, not an actual house so it’s cheaper

 

If you and your BF live together and he has a good paying job, most likely he has insurance benefits through his work. He can put you on his policy as common law wife for a small extra monthly fee. You can see if counseling is covered.

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People that are truly in love with someone and love them as you state you do don't contact other men for attention, drunk or not. The drinking is an excuse, not a reason.

 

A house cannot cure what ails you, it will only distract you for a time.

 

If you asked your bf what is the most import thing to him, a house or your emotional well being what do think he would say?

 

I think you believe you love him and that may very well be true but your actions do not show love, it shows insecurities, lies and selfishness. Do you seriously want to continue down this path?

 

First things first and that is getting your emotional health straightened out. A house can wait.

 

Be honest with yourself

 

Lost

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  • 2 months later...
People that are truly in love with someone and love them as you state you do don't contact other men for attention, drunk or not. The drinking is an excuse, not a reason.

 

Never a truer word said. Alcohol was the symptom not the cause.

 

I think you believe you love him and that may very well be true but your actions do not show love, it shows insecurities, lies and selfishness.

 

There is a very big difference between Love and Attachment. What you describe defines the latter.

 

Don't make any major decisions till you've been sober a few weeks and determined you *want* only your bf (rather than being prepared to tolerate the monogamy in order to maintain all the other stuff)

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The reason I can’t afford therapy right now, but can afford a house is because of my budget. I budgeted more for the house and haven’t quite reached what I needed for therapy. Even the house budget, my boyfriend contributes the most because he has a high paying job.

Honestly I haven’t put therapy as high up in properties as I needed to. I am doing that now.

 

Also the house is a townhome, not an actual house so it’s cheaper

 

You need to back out of buying the house and get therapy.

 

I’ve lived with my boyfriend for a year now. We both work full time and go to school part time. My parents kicked me out because they are religious and strict and one day when I was 18 I told my dad I was going to a family member’s house without asking and he through all of my things in trash bags so I had to move.

My dad had trust issues with me after he caught me when I was eleven “talking” to an adult male. Of course this man was a pedophile and most people wouldn’t blame me, but my dad believed I was mature enough and should’ve known better idk

 

Therapy is expensive where I live, insurance does not cover everything and school therapists are backlogged (America struggles). Trust me I’m staying sober.

 

many work on a sliding scale, but you can afford it if you have enough to buy a house.

 

You can say your parents are religious blah blah blah they are evil, but it sounds more like they were trying to protect you and it was time for some tough love/the last straw perhaps. Maybe when you are older, in 10 years when you are past the teen/early 20s "i know more than my parents stage" you will put themselves in your shoes.

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  • 4 months later...

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