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She doesn't know I know she has a bf, but she says she want to get back together


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See my reply to your identical thread: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=561350&p=7156198&viewfull=1#post7156198

 

Leave her alone and move on. Stop toying with people.

I broke up with my gf of two years back in mid-June. She'd been pressing for commitment and I was becoming increasingly aloof, so I ended it. A month later I tried to get her back. This went on for two months.
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She definitely wanted something to do with me. We were seeing each other and talking to one another, and even slept together a few times. You're right though that it isn't just bad luck. I've definitely allowed things I'm not comfortable with to continue and I don't know why. I guess in this case I had invested a lot and carried a good amount of guilt. I'm also two months into a brand new life and feeling very rootless. I just need to walk away from all this but it's honestly most of what I have right now. I've tried building up my support network and it's helped, but it's still awfully lonely.

 

I don't htink I'm acting like a wounded little bird, but I admit that I should not be surprised to see how far she's willing to take it when I allow her to.

 

That’s funny cause on your other post your exact quote was: I wanted to get her back but she was having none of it.

 

I’m no rocket scientist but logic tells me you must have kept pursuing until she responded positively.

 

And the second she did what do you do?

 

Oh...She has a boyfriend!!

 

Convenient

 

And right on line with all the other crap you’ve put her through since you’re using her to absorb all the toxicity from your baggage with your ex,

 

You said you don’t trust women, trust me it’s clear...

 

Leave that poor woman alone...

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"I broke up with my gf of two years back in mid-June. She'd been pressing for commitment and I was becoming increasingly aloof, so I ended it"

 

I stopped reading about there.

 

Why are you pursuing this?

 

If it didn't work out the first time round ...

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It feels awful and I'm very embarrassed of myself. She's obviously free to do what she wants, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

 

Sorry, you dumped her, correct?

 

I am at a loss to understand how you see whatever she does now as hurting you.

 

What was she supposed to do, join a convent?

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This is clearly not a healthy place for you to be in. Focusing on that, far more than the narrative in which she is somehow “playing” you, is the most honest path you can walk down, better for both of you than the one you’re currently walking

 

All you know for fact is that you’re monitoring her, following her around, and labeling what you’re seeing in ways that support a story where the main theme is disrespect—of her, of yourself. That it allows you to long for her without quite trusting the viability of it all—well, I’d give that some reflection, as it sounds like it’s you’re preferred mode of romance with her.

 

She’s “keeping it from you” because she has decided to keep it from you. It’s that simple, and it’s allowed. She is a single woman. Why choose to frame that as her “knowing” that you’d “stop trying and disappear”? Why do you need to have that kind of power over someone’s life and emotions? Why not accept that she doesn’t want you to know everything about her life right now, because she is a private person coping with life and feelings as she sees fit? Reflecting on some of those questions might be worthwhile in terms of developing different habits in seeing people, and connecting with them on a less jagged plane.

 

You yourself are pretty confused right now, in pain, and that pain and confusion has led you to react in some immature and unhealthy ways: spying on her, indulging in destructive thought patterns, defining a relationship between two people while having no idea how they define it. Could her story be roughly the same, with some different variables? Rather than trying to find solace in possessing her or expecting her to behave as you’d like her to behave, can you can find it in extending some grace, seeing that you are both just hurt and confused and, sadly, triggers of more hurt and confusion rather than solutions to it? I think that, in the long run, seeing it all like that might be more beneficial.

 

Inhale, exhale, and let this go. That’s where the peace is, not in holding on and trying to manipulate things while feeling manipulated. Neither of those stories have happy endings, whether you guys are together or apart.

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Clearly you need to let this go and move on. The more you poke at it with a stick, the more anguish and pain you will be in. There will be better opportunities for you when you free yourself of her.....so much is being missed because of this obsessing over her. You can do it!

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I strongly suspect that it's more than a FWB situation since she's on at least one occasion lied to me to cover up that she was seeing him, but it doesn't matter anymore. I need to accept that we're strangers. It's not like I'd consider her at all trustworthy even if she had some revelatory change of heart.

 

It feels awful and I'm very embarrassed of myself. She's obviously free to do what she wants, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

 

I'm very sorry. Keep your chin up and start looking to things and items that you can change in your life, that you do positively want in your life. If you keep looking backwards, you'll never move forwards.

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