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She doesn't know I know she has a bf, but she says she want to get back together


biscuit2020
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I broke up with my gf of two years back in mid-June. She'd been pressing for commitment and I was becoming increasingly aloof, so I ended it. She was very upset, or at least seemed to be. A month later I tried to get her back. This went on for two months. I had the feeling she was seeing someone else, but she insisted she was not. Ultimately, I broke off contact.

 

She was lying. I know she has a boyfriend, and it's the same guy she was seeing last summer. After about a month of no contact, I received a letter from her, saying she thinks of me all the time and misses me but still doesn't know what she wants. I responded, outlining the reasons I failed in the relationship and why i think ending it was the wrong idea. We talked on the phone, she became emotional, and she said she wanted to get back together but just wanted to communicate for now. I asked her again if she were single, and she said she wouldn't be talking to me if she weren't.

 

She is with her new boyfriend for the weekend but she insists that she's just home alone, depressed and miserable. She texts me "i love you" while is with the other guy. She's super evasive about talking on the phone when it hasn't been planned in advance, and cannot I'm not really looking for advice, I'm just looking to understand. I'm honestly shocked at how far she is willing to go to maintain her fiction. It's nuts.

 

Please help me explore what's happened and try to reach some understanding of this behavior. It's unlike anything I've ever seen. She's so, so convincing. I'd really have no idea what was going on if I had taken her at her word.

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How do you know she is with her boyfriend?

 

Honestly, either way, i would tell her "just communication for now" is not acceptable. if all she wants to do is chat on the phone, do not contact you and leave you be until she figure out what exactly she wants. And in the meantime, accept that its over. Work on healing, and when time has passed and you are okay whether she wants you back or not, start dating new women

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Can I ask how old you guys are? If she’s not honest enough to admit whether or not she’s seeing someone while professing her love to another man, then you shouldn’t even consider getting back together with her. Don’t you want to be with someone who respects you enough to tell you the truth? How can you trust her? She is using both of you to stroke her ego. Please reflect on why you are still attracted to someone who doesn’t respect you.

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This all sound messy.

 

From this post and your last post, it seems you guys have a dynamic that is most powerful when it's dysfunctional. You were aloof when in it, into it when out of it, and now you're both kinda sorta into it while she's seeing someone else—something you seem to have a CIA-like file on. And yet while the information in that file presents a pretty cut-and-dry case for not continuing to entertain this, you are still choosing to entertain it?

 

You were in emotional limbo in the relationship, have been in emotional limbo for 4 months—as, it sounds like, she is. This all feels like more of the same. There is a higher state of romantic connection than this, and much higher planes to find it than these means, don't you think?

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Can I ask how old you guys are? If she’s not honest enough to admit whether or not she’s seeing someone while professing her love to another man, then you shouldn’t even consider getting back together with her. Don’t you want to be with someone who respects you enough to tell you the truth? How can you trust her? She is using both of you to stroke her ego. Please reflect on why you are still attracted to someone who doesn’t respect you.

 

She's 27, I'm 33. She clearly has no respect for anyone. I mean good god. She's so polished and committed to these lies. It's something you'd need to experience first-hand to fully appreciate.

 

I'm still stuck on her because I genuinely think our connection was incredibly strong and deep. It was honestly the best relationship I've ever had, and I regret how my own issues and patterns of handling conflict affected it. I'm also just profoundly confused about why she'd bother deceiving me in the first place. I wouldn't have been elated to hear that she was seeing someone, but it's not like I would have had a right to be upset, since the relationship was over and it was I who pulled the plug on it.

 

The grief has surged back and I'm tired. The letter, the crying on the phone, the defeated and exhausted tone in her voice as she said she wanted to come back, it was all a farce.

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This all sound messy.

 

From this post and your last post, it seems you guys have a dynamic that is most powerful when it's dysfunctional. You were aloof when in it, into it when out of it, and now you're both kinda sorta into it while she's seeing someone else—something you seem to have a CIA-like file on. And yet while the information in that file presents a pretty cut-and-dry case for not continuing to entertain this, you are still choosing to entertain it?

 

You were in emotional limbo in the relationship, have been in emotional limbo for 4 months—as, it sounds like, she is. This all feels like more of the same. There is a higher state of romantic connection than this, and much higher planes to find it than these means, don't you think?

 

 

My reluctance during the relationship was mostly about being uncertain that I could make the sort of commitment that she reasonably expected. I loved her. When we split, I was surprised how strong the grief was. The limbo afterward was maintained by her. I was very consistent in what I wanted. This is definitely not a situation I'd like to maintain.

 

I need to cut all contact again, and the only real decisions surrounding that involve whether or not I explain myself. I'm mostly interested in understanding the behavior and any role I might have had in it.

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it was all a farce.

 

I think this is kind of extreme. All you need to do, after all, is remember your two years with her to recall what it's like to be in a relationship and not totally in it, committed to it, and be disrespectful (to others, to yourself) in the process.

 

Could she be in something like that? Could she still be hurting, grieving, confused, and going about that the best she knows how? Could this all just be another sign that you are two humans who are not great for each other, rather than a sign that she's a deceitful fraud?

 

For your own growth and future connections—with yourself, with others—I think that processing all this along those lines might be healthier, if also more honest.

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Ok you aren’t really owning your part here.

 

As you stated you reached out to her begging her back and she wanted nothing to do with you. You also state you suspected months ago she had a boyfriend yet you continued with the lines of communication.

 

So clearly you’re an active participant, your prerogative, but you don’t get to act like a wounded bird, most wouldn’t even entertain this yet you’re soaking it up.

 

This combined with the ex wife drama, I don’t know... somethings going on with you man, I can’t tell what exactly, but it’s not just sh*tty luck.

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Can I ask what kind of evidence you have that proves she has a boyfriend?

 

I'd suspected she'd been hiding something and I did a little research that I'm not proud of. Her car wasn't where it should be if she'd been telling me the truth. It was outside the house of a guy she said she had no interest in. It was there last night.

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Ok you aren’t really owning your part here.

 

As you stated you reached out to her begging her back and she wanted nothing to do with you. You also state you suspected months ago she had a boyfriend yet you continued with the lines of communication.

 

So clearly you’re an active participant, your prerogative, but you don’t get to act like a wounded bird, most wouldn’t even entertain this yet you’re soaking it up.

 

This combined with the ex wife drama, I don’t know... somethings going on with you man, I can’t tell what exactly, but it’s not just sh*tty luck.

 

She definitely wanted something to do with me. We were seeing each other and talking to one another, and even slept together a few times. You're right though that it isn't just bad luck. I've definitely allowed things I'm not comfortable with to continue and I don't know why. I guess in this case I had invested a lot and carried a good amount of guilt. I'm also two months into a brand new life and feeling very rootless. I just need to walk away from all this but it's honestly most of what I have right now. I've tried building up my support network and it's helped, but it's still awfully lonely.

 

I don't htink I'm acting like a wounded little bird, but I admit that I should not be surprised to see how far she's willing to take it when I allow her to.

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I don't understand why it's confusing to you. Her actions do not align with her words. Judge someone by their actions not by their words. When you really love someone, your actions amount to that fact. She played on your feelings and you bought into it. Anything short of an explicit desire to reconcile translates to disinterest.

 

I think she's not mature enough to know to how make a decision and stick to it. She wants the best of both worlds. To me, that indicates immaturity.

 

I think you should go NC to clear your head of this drama. Obsessing over what she's doing, where she is and who she's with is not productive to your recovery process and infringes on her privacy.

 

You will go crazy trying to understand her motives for behaving this way, and quite frankly it's irrelevant.

 

Own up to your part in this dysfunction, and reflect on how you helped cultivate this toxic dynamic and why you're ok with settling for bread-crumbs.

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I don't understand why it's confusing to you. Her actions do not align with her words. Judge someone by their actions not by their words. Actions speak louder than words. When you really love someone, your actions amount to that fact. She played on your feelings and you bought into it. Anything short of an explicit desire to reconcile translates to disinterest.

 

I think she's not mature enough to know to how make a decision and stick to it. She wants the best of both worlds. To me, that indicates immaturity.

 

I think you should go NC to clear your head of this drama. Obsessing over what she's doing, where she is and who she's with is not productive to your recovery process and infringes on her privacy.

 

You will go crazy trying to understand her motives for behaving this way, and quite frankly it's irrelevant.

 

Own your part in this dysfunction, and reflect on how you helped cultivate this toxic dynamic and why you're ok with settling for bread-crumbing.

 

You're exactly right. I just want to let this go. THere is a lot of shame surrounding this, like a bullied kid who won't tell anyone or stop it because he doesn't want to acknowledge what's happening.

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Time to turn the page, biscuit.

 

She is playing mind games with you and doing a good job. This 'heartfelt' letter is nothing but an invitation back to her game. Stop entertaining her... the more you communicate with her, the more she is going to try to sell you her sob stories and what if pity me pity you lines.

 

Be the adult here and block her.

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You're exactly right. I just want to let this go. THere is a lot of shame surrounding this, like a bullied kid who won't tell anyone or stop it because he doesn't want to acknowledge what's happening.

 

It's never easy letting go of someone you love, but starting with NC will really facilitate the process. Good luck!

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She's 27, I'm 33. She clearly has no respect for anyone. I mean good god. She's so polished and committed to these lies. It's something you'd need to experience first-hand to fully appreciate.

 

I'm still stuck on her because I genuinely think our connection was incredibly strong and deep. It was honestly the best relationship I've ever had, and I regret how my own issues and patterns of handling conflict affected it. I'm also just profoundly confused about why she'd bother deceiving me in the first place. I wouldn't have been elated to hear that she was seeing someone, but it's not like I would have had a right to be upset, since the relationship was over and it was I who pulled the plug on it.

 

The grief has surged back and I'm tired. The letter, the crying on the phone, the defeated and exhausted tone in her voice as she said she wanted to come back, it was all a farce.

 

If it was so strong then why didnt you commit to her? She is a liar and a cheat. I feel for her bf.

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So you're doing late night drive-bys?

 

Oh, Biscuit...really? Is that what she's reduced you to? What you've stooped to?

 

Yeah, I did that too. I still cringe when I think about my undignified behavior. I moved myself 300 miles away because I wouldn't stop hurting and humiliating myself. Thank goodness, because I still might be acting like my own worst enemy. Getting away from that embarrassing situation was the best thing I ever did.

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Good for you for realizing this isn't a good place for you (your last post, page 2 above). Some thoughts I had also: He might not be a boyfriend at all and a casual relationship or friends with benefits. I wouldn't speculate too far into this (you're just shooting yourself in the foot or chasing your own tail). I think it's a better idea to envision her as an independent person, autonomous and able to govern her own affairs while speaking with you. She is in no way committed to you so declaring her confusion doesn't necessarily mean anything about what she does in her free time or whom she chooses to share her bed with physically. She may be working on her own issues and sorting out her own thoughts. Whom she chooses for company at any hour of the day is up to her. Relationships are confusing and breakups often even more confusing and painful. It's anyone's guess how we process and deal with them individually. One person's method may be difficult for someone else to understand.

 

Stay away from snooping and creating grand schemes that she or anyone else is against you. That you are or that your distrust runs that deep suggests that this is not the right framework at all to rekindle any idea of a relationship with her. No one should inspire you to think in that way. If you are, this is the wrong place for you.

 

Put this behind you permanently, keep moving forwards and work on your self-esteem and trust issues. What's broken inside will remain always broken if you can't fix what's hurt inside or if you're finding it difficult to trust in general. By respecting her as an independent entity, you are also respecting yourself.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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She's messing you about. Playing 2 guys off against each other. Her ego must be skyrocketing.

 

Shes not trustworthy and doesn't sound like a good gf. Ask yourself why you want someone back who's willing to cheat on their current partner. Chances are given the opportunity they will do the same again to you.

 

Block delete and move onwards.

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Good for you for realizing this isn't a good place for you (your last post, page 2 above). Some thoughts I had also: He might not be a boyfriend at all and a casual relationship or friends with benefits. I wouldn't speculate too far into this (you're just shooting yourself in the foot or chasing your own tail). I think it's a better idea to envision her as an independent person, autonomous and able to govern her own affairs while speaking with you. She is in no way committed to you so declaring her confusion doesn't necessarily mean anything about what she does in her free time or whom she chooses to share her bed with physically. She may be working on her own issues and sorting out her own thoughts. Whom she chooses for company at any hour of the day is up to her. Relationships are confusing and breakups often even more confusing and painful. It's anyone's guess how we process and deal with them individually. One person's method may be difficult for someone else to understand.

 

Stay away from snooping and creating grand schemes that she or anyone else is against you. That you are or that your distrust runs that deep suggests that this is not the right framework at all to rekindle any idea of a relationship with her. No one should inspire you to think in that way. If you are, this is the wrong place for you.

 

Put this behind you permanently, keep moving forwards and work on your self-esteem and trust issues. What's broken inside will remain always broken if you can't fix what's hurt inside or if you're finding it difficult to trust in general. By respecting her as an independent entity, you are also respecting yourself.

 

I strongly suspect that it's more than a FWB situation since she's on at least one occasion lied to me to cover up that she was seeing him, but it doesn't matter anymore. I need to accept that we're strangers. It's not like I'd consider her at all trustworthy even if she had some revelatory change of heart.

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So you're doing late night drive-bys?

 

Oh, Biscuit...really? Is that what she's reduced you to? What you've stooped to?

 

Yeah, I did that too. I still cringe when I think about my undignified behavior. I moved myself 300 miles away because I wouldn't stop hurting and humiliating myself. Thank goodness, because I still might be acting like my own worst enemy. Getting away from that embarrassing situation was the best thing I ever did.

 

It feels awful and I'm very embarrassed of myself. She's obviously free to do what she wants, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

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Not to put too fine a point on it, but I still don't see that you have anything to suggest they're actually a couple.

 

She was at his house. That does not mean they're in a relaitonship together. Might they be seeing each other, or sleeping together? Sure. But does that mean he's her boyfriend? No, not in and of itself. Neither does her not previously disclosing that she was spending time with him.

 

The question is, would be able to deal with it if you discovered they are not in fact an item? Or is that she sees him at all that bothers you?

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Not to put too fine a point on it, but I still don't see that you have anything to suggest they're actually a couple.

 

She was at his house. That does not mean they're in a relaitonship together. Might they be seeing each other, or sleeping together? Sure. But does that mean he's her boyfriend? No, not in and of itself. Neither does her not previously disclosing that she was spending time with him.

n

The question is, would be able to deal with it if you discovered they are not in fact an item? Or is that she sees him at all that bothers you?

 

Whether or not they have an exclusive romantic relationship doesn't really play into it, at least as far I'm willing to admit to myself right now. I'm obviously personally hurt that she's chosen to have a relationship of some sort with someone else rather than reconcile with me, but that's my problem. Maybe I should not have expected her to be honest with me about it, but if someone were trying to rekindle a relationship with me, I'd tell them if I was seeing someone else, even if that didn't affect how I felt about getting back together. I suspect she's keeping it from me because she knows I'd stop trying and disappear if I knew.

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