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Changing OLD profile after a date?


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Hi all,

 

I’m looking for some words of wisdom. I’m female, 40 and generally don’t like online dating because I’d prefer to meet someone organically, but I know it’s my best bet to cross paths with someone I wouldn’t otherwise meet. I’m sensitive though, and although I have realistic expectations, don’t love the idea of multi dating that tends to come from these apps.

 

I’m on a few apps, and I met a guy off Tinder last week—his profile said he was looking for a long term relationship, as am I. We had a great first date last weekend—lasted hours and we kissed at the end. He immediately followed up to tell me couldn’t wait to see me again, texted the rest of the weekend and then asked me out again for this upcoming weekend. He suggested meeting up before then if our schedules aligned during the week and said he’d see if he could get out of work early. So seemingly all good.

 

But aside from me initiating and texting him briefly on Tuesday, he hasn’t reached back out yet. And today he updated his dating profile to change something. I know this shouldn’t upset me. But in my mind, if I like someone new, I’d personally hold off on changing my profile (although I’d still keep talking to others) as a courtesy so they wouldn’t feel bad.

 

Any thoughts about this?

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One thought is that you had one date and got completely ahead of yourself. You aren't dating, you aren't in a relationship, you had one meet. Do you even have a date actually set for the weekend or is still just a suggestion?

 

Thing with dating is that you are going to have to grow thicker skin. You are meeting strangers and you have no idea what people really think and what their true intentions are. On top of that, people change their minds, get back with ex's, meet someone they fit with better, etc, etc, etc. So one great date means nothing and he owes you nothing.

 

Him updating his profile is a big clue to you that despite all the sweet talk, he is not really in a rush to stop dating and meeting others and you need to slow way way way down.

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I wouldn't make an issue of his changing his profile. Get to know him better in person and then determine whether or not there's something shady about him or if something doesn't ring true. Use your intuition and gut instincts because they're usually right on the mark.

 

Go on several dates first before you jump to conclusions. Engage in conversations, observe his character and personality thoroughly and make sure your radar is up. Over time, you will use your good judgment regarding an enduring relationship or friendship with him or not.

 

In the meantime, give him a chance to prove his worth to you. Give it time.

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Any thoughts about this?

 

You are over reacting. It was one date.

 

His behavior sounds like he is interested. Let your in person interactions define how you view him. With OLD you have to assume the other person is multi-dating. Stop looking at his profile. If you met organically would you expect him to stop socializing with his friends or enjoying his hobbies after only 1 date? Of course not. So just play it cool for a while & enjoy the dates you have together.

 

When you are getting ready to think about sex then you talk about exclusivity, sexual health histories & taking down the profiles.

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Relax and try and not read to much into anything that happens online.

 

He doesn't know how interested you are or if you will ghost him so he is keeping his options open as you should.

 

I would be more concerned if he took it down or hid his profile after one date with you like you were the ONE!

 

Some people get upset if they see the person they just met the day before back online like they weren't enough or something.

 

It is just online dating so please ignore all that and focus on the real life part with him, you know the organic part you wanted.

 

Lost

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Yes we have a date set for Saturday but haven’t talked about time/place yet.

 

Personally, if there is no set date/time/place/activity, then as far as I'm concerned, there is no date set. You only have tentative plans that may get solidified or not. Of course, it's only Wednesday, so don't toss him yet, just dial back your expectations.

 

There will be lots of fun dates if you are meeting reasonably social, civil men. However, most will not lead to more. Also, beware of guys who get too excited - like the whole maybe he can leave work early, pushing for another date in between is a little suspect behavior of too much too soon.

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You have been on one date. That is it.

 

He should still be dating and so should you. You also should not be texting inbetween, as it has been one date.

 

You need to chill.

Edited by Hollyj
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Was it even a date?

 

there was kissing so i guess it was.

 

 

He immediately followed up to tell me couldn’t wait to see me again, texted the rest of the weekend and then asked me out again for this upcoming weekend. He suggested meeting up before then if our schedules aligned during the week and said he’d see if he could get out of work early. So seemingly all good.

 

If he suggested meeting if your schedules aligned and pre=asked you out for this coming weekend, i see no problem in you suggesting a location in a way that gives him the opening to ask you out again. (or "Fun fact: I like pizza, japanese food and roller skating.) But if he came on strong by kissing on the first date (other than a European touch of the arm combined with the cheek kiss, he may be all bluster.

 

but yeah, not contacting him to see if he asks you out again is fine in this case, too

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Updating his profile doesn't mean anything really. For all you know, he is adding a nice picture for you to see.

 

To echo what others have said, it's been one date, don't get ahead of yourself, some guys are awful at rejecting girls and act all nice and enthusiastic in person and then ghost away, or make up an excuse as to why it would not work... cos it's just too awkward to say, "sorry I don't find you attractive". (Not saying that's what's happening here. I just mean don't jump to conclusions based on one date.)

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Yes, the bad thing about OLD is the unknown. It's exciting when you meet someone attractive and have hopes for more dates, yet terrifying because the person is a stranger, and you don't know what the hell is going on in his mind.

 

When I did OLD, I had many of those upsetting moments. I went on vacation, with a plan of meeting a guy when I got back. He accidentally sent me a message meant for another woman he was meeting for lunch. Although I was also talking to other guys, and expected he was meeting other women, it's still unpleasant to have it thrown in one's face, even though the logical mind says there's nothing wrong with it.

 

Unfortunately there's no speeding up the process to get to the part where you know if something is going somewhere or it isn't. I had to go on first meets and a few dating experiences with about 30 men over more than two and a half years before I found my future husband. I'd just found out about Meetup.com shortly before I met him, and had enjoyed a few of those activities, so I'd suggest that to supplement the OLD. Good luck.

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Thanks for the viewpoints! To clarify a few things: I’m not expecting an instant relationship after one date. And he did follow up about our weekend date so I’m not getting ghosted/rejected (at this point at least!). It’s more that when I have a good enough first date to be excited about a second date, I will hold off just a bit on things like changing my profile, finding new matches right away, etc (to not turn the new guy off and to not waste new matches if I decide to explore things further with new guy and it doesn’t work out after a few weeks). So it a little unnerving when the guy updates the profile, that’s all.

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Not everyone is the same... However if he is hasn't responded to your text, he may not be as enthusiastic as you. Which is okay.

 

Just keep your expectations low and be pragmatic when it comes to first dates, even second dates. If second date turns out as good as first, hopefully he starts showing more enthusiasm.

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Thanks for the viewpoints! To clarify a few things: I’m not expecting an instant relationship after one date. And he did follow up about our weekend date so I’m not getting ghosted/rejected (at this point at least!). It’s more that when I have a good enough first date to be excited about a second date, I will hold off just a bit on things like changing my profile, finding new matches right away, etc (to not turn the new guy off and to not waste new matches if I decide to explore things further with new guy and it doesn’t work out after a few weeks). So it a little unnerving when the guy updates the profile, that’s all.

 

What on earth is he updating his profile to (what are the changes)? Did he all of a sudden start updating he likes blondes rather than brunettes? Or did he take out sailboating and insert bowling? What did he change?

 

It seems he's active and busy on the site and it may be because of oddball messages from women asking about peculiar details on his profile. It could mean anything. He may be deflecting strange personas or realizing that putting some information out there is inappropriate or not as accurate over a period of time. You should put things in perspective and know that there likely are women responding to his previous messages which they may have exchanged before he even met you or got to know you or there are new messages from new women who are sending him words here and there. If he is speaking to other women, that's really his prerogative. You'll have to trust that your personality is magnetic enough to cause him to disentangle himself appropriately over some time if this turns out to be anything special.

 

If anything he may seem nervous and a little jittery, if you ask me. If that type of personality doesn't suit you, I'd be wary. Otherwise, carry on and meet each other. I'm generally not a fan of multiple changes over a short period. It may be a sign of an unquiet mind or it may very well be an individual undergoing rapid growth (personal growth) and this is not always a bad thing. It's up to you whether that type of dynamic and wavelength is along yours or complimentary to your stage in life.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Thanks for the viewpoints! To clarify a few things: I’m not expecting an instant relationship after one date. And he did follow up about our weekend date so I’m not getting ghosted/rejected (at this point at least!). It’s more that when I have a good enough first date to be excited about a second date, I will hold off just a bit on things like changing my profile, finding new matches right away, etc (to not turn the new guy off and to not waste new matches if I decide to explore things further with new guy and it doesn’t work out after a few weeks). So it a little unnerving when the guy updates the profile, that’s all.

 

In a recent study, men were said to like 69.4% of female profiles, while women were said to like 4% of males profiles. Women get a lot of potential contacts, while men usually get very few. With this in mind, you as a woman have far more options on OLD than he does, if it doesn't work out, you have other guys to pick and choose between.

 

Yes, it was a great date, he has suggested another date, but he doesn't want to hedge his bets just yet. I mean, if he starts to get an inkling that you are already over investing and stressing about the contact, it might be too much for him. He still has to keep his profile active in case he misses that one match he might get this week.

 

And, if he is anything like me, I don't want to spend all my time play sms ping pong and talking about nothing constantly. I want my contact to be in person. I do not have a dependency or need for constant communication with absolutely everyone all day every day (which seems to be an epidemic these days), and perhaps he is the same.

 

Just go with it. If it doesn't work out, keep going. Oh, and there is nothing organic about OLD.

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Thanks for the viewpoints! To clarify a few things: I’m not expecting an instant relationship after one date. And he did follow up about our weekend date so I’m not getting ghosted/rejected (at this point at least!). It’s more that when I have a good enough first date to be excited about a second date, I will hold off just a bit on things like changing my profile, finding new matches right away, etc (to not turn the new guy off and to not waste new matches if I decide to explore things further with new guy and it doesn’t work out after a few weeks). So it a little unnerving when the guy updates the profile, that’s all.

 

It wouldn't be ghosting if he chose not to follow up. You met once and haven't had a real date yet and unless one of you sets a time and place you don't have another date. He updated his profile because he wanted to. Simple. One reason could be so he can make it more attractive to the women he would like to attract. That is why he is on a dating site right now -he is still looking to meet people. Is your profile still active? If so you are advertising to the world that you are looking to meet people just like h is. If he doesn't make plans for another date he is not rejecting you just declining to go on a date after a first meet. Happens all the time.

 

If there is no time/place for another date then in reality -not negatively -there is no other date, ever, unless things change. So my suggestion is if there is no other date planned move on and if the person solidifies or makes plans then decide at that time what you would like to do.

 

Dating is unnerving in the early stages with rare exception -no matter how you meet.

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I also think you are over reacting. Also you seem to be making an assumption that everyone is like you in the way you date. That's nice that if you had a date and you like someone, you won't be contacting other guys yet. You're right in that if you want to see more of this guy and it keeps going well, you might lead other guys on. That's just how dating works though, you might end up rejecting some people and some would reject you.

 

I'm almost 35, so clpse to your age. Most people around this age that I know multi date. So even if they have dates with one person, they might still have dates with others. I personally think that after only one date to focus on just that person is not a very good idea. Unless you have no other plausible options at all, I don't think it's a good idea not to pursue anything with anyone else that could have potential.

 

Let's say you get a message from another possible good match but you don't respond. Then it doesn't work out with the current guy. The other potential guy went on dates with another woman, likes her and continues with her instead. But he could have been good for you and ended up with you, but you missed out.

 

Online dating is very hit and miss. And to be honest it's more miss. So you shouldn't get your hopes up so fast after only one date.

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Don't sweat it. Enjoy the date. Do not think for people or project. "If it were me I would...." is dangerous thinking and leads to this kind of unnecessary doubt. Never try to read minds or tea leaves.

He immediately followed up to tell me couldn’t wait to see me again, texted the rest of the weekend and then asked me out again for this upcoming weekend.

 

But in my mind, if I like someone new, I’d personally hold off on changing my profile (although I’d still keep talking to others) as a courtesy so they wouldn’t feel bad.

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I also think you are over reacting. Also you seem to be making an assumption that everyone is like you in the way you date. That's nice that if you had a date and you like someone, you won't be contacting other guys yet. You're right in that if you want to see more of this guy and it keeps going well, you might lead other guys on. That's just how dating works though, you might end up rejecting some people and some would reject you.

 

I'm almost 35, so clpse to your age. Most people around this age that I know multi date. So even if they have dates with one person, they might still have dates with others. I personally think that after only one date to focus on just that person is not a very good idea. Unless you have no other plausible options at all, I don't think it's a good idea not to pursue anything with anyone else that could have potential.

 

Let's say you get a message from another possible good match but you don't respond. Then it doesn't work out with the current guy. The other potential guy went on dates with another woman, likes her and continues with her instead. But he could have been good for you and ended up with you, but you missed out.

 

Online dating is very hit and miss. And to be honest it's more miss. So you shouldn't get your hopes up so fast after only one date.

 

I was the same. I multi dated because I wanted to get married and especially in my 30s to pass up opportunities to meet more people after going on a couple of dates with someone new made no sense. I remember a few men told me they'd stopped online activity after we met and I wasn't a fan of hearing that -too much too soon and really what does it mean - they can meet someone in many other ways and most often it felt too much too soon.

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Thanks for the viewpoints! To clarify a few things: I’m not expecting an instant relationship after one date. And he did follow up about our weekend date so I’m not getting ghosted/rejected (at this point at least!). It’s more that when I have a good enough first date to be excited about a second date, I will hold off just a bit on things like changing my profile, finding new matches right away, etc (to not turn the new guy off and to not waste new matches if I decide to explore things further with new guy and it doesn’t work out after a few weeks). So it a little unnerving when the guy updates the profile, that’s all.
Hi Kricket

 

I agree with the person that said, it probably is insight into trying to meet more women.

 

Which I think is a good reminder. We just never know what is actually happening with someone we just met and don't have any friends in common.

 

I always try to remember to keep the faith. There are a lot of ghosters, manipulators, cheaters on line and in life. Keep your eyes and your intuition open. Look for that "volley" relationship. If you reached out last, just wait. If he is so willing to skip out on work to spend time with you, he's not going to forget he asked you out.

 

If he doesn't reach out, consider it a blessing. because he's not being genuine. And that probably has nothing to do with updates to his profile. Some times people are not who they project to be. It's happened to me and probably everyone at some point.

 

Use the energy and excitement of a good date to feel abundant in opportunities. There are good men and good women out here looking for another good person. Don't let cynics bring you down or make it seem like there is a lack. feelings of lack or abundance lead to more of it. So focus on the good feelings. If not this guy, someone good will come along! just keep on believing and don't limit your own options in the meantime!

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