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Sleeping around before becoming exclusive even after 2.5 months


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I met this guy in the party. We started meeting on alternate days, it's been 2.5 months now but we are still not exclusive. We haven't had a discussion around it because he has gone through a breakup 1 week before we met. So he said he doesn't want to run into anything fast as he is trying to move on.

 

Today I asked him about our status and he said emotionally and mentally he is totally involved in me but physically he might get intimate with someone, though he hasn't yet.

This made me sad, insecure as well as questioned me about his commitment. What does that mean? Does he need to sleep with someone if he really needs to move on? Where do I stand even after 2.5 months of seeing each other? How do I handle this? What should I derive from this? I'm also scared about STDs and also a heartbreak if he sleeps with someone else.

 

Request you to help me with this.

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Are you having sex with him? His response to you is a load of crap, in my humble opinion. What he is saying is he wants to keep his options open in case he feels an attraction to someone else and wants to have intercourse with that woman - or several women, many women, etc. Please don't think deeply about this or ask yourself more than this question: "Am I ok with this guy I am dating and having sex with having sex with someone else? The "totally involved emotionally and mentally" is meaningless as far as "commitment" -just means he likes hanging with you and likes you as a person - and that's if we assume he means what he says. There's no compartmentalizing with commitment to seeing someone exclusively -"we're exclusive emotionally and mentally so if I feel like putting my penis in someone else's body just know I'm still loyal to you emotionally and mentally?" Please. Please do not try to "analyze" that asinine statement.

 

If you can't handle him having intercourse with someone else or thinking about him pursuing other ladies to have sex with he is not the right person for you.

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What he told you is what you don't want to hear, which is that you are his rebound chic.

 

He likes the attention and the companionship and whatever other ego and emotional boost this is giving him, but he is in no way fully into you or committed to you in terms of a relationship or even sexual monogamy and will totally sleep around and ultimately bounce out of your life when he is healed and ready for something serious....or meets someone he wants to be serious with. Whichever comes first.

 

If you don't want a heartbreak, never ever volunteer to be someone's rebound and barely one week out of a relationship....yeah....just say no to that.

 

Basically, if sharing partners and sleeping around isn't your thing, drop him like a hot rock. Who needs STD's.

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I met this guy in the party. We started meeting on alternate days, it's been 2.5 months now but we are still not exclusive. We haven't had a discussion around it because he has gone through a breakup 1 week before we met. So he said he doesn't want to run into anything fast as he is trying to move on.

 

I'd tell him that you absolutely understand, therefore the best solution would be to refrain from being intimate until he reaches that stage. Watch him run...

 

Either way, asking where you stand before you get to this point helps to eliminate the question, "Where do we stand.?"

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He is mentally and emotionally TOTALLY involved with you but he's gonna sleep with other girls?

When this all get complicated ... like why this even needs to be talked about? HE CANNOT DO THAT.

 

Its stupid af.

 

Of course he can -there are women who would be fine with that or more than fine but she is not. That's all that matters.

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Of course he can -there are women who would be fine with that or more than fine but she is not. That's all that matters.

 

Yeah I'm just calling a bull*s*it there because saying you are deep emotionally is total opposite of fu*king around with other woman. This is without tip toeing around what's what. I wouldn't even call those relationships, it's more like customized service exchange. Some get those emotions some get that bed action. Anyways, unhealthy and a bit bizzare.

 

EDIT: oh now I see this is gay thing, well I know it's kinda part of that all Freddie Mercury culture about doing whatever the fu*k, and I respect that but for me this is highly unserious and of course all kinds of weird things and questions will arise if you twist all this shi*t like this.

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He doesn't want to become exclusive with you. If you are scared about stds and heartbreak (and imo, you should be) you need to tell him that you want different things and bid him farewell. He is in rebound mode and 2.5 months of knowing you didn't change that. Imo, you have your answer and it is very unlikely that he will ever see you seriously if you stay on after what he told you. Imo if you stay on, you will be used. Your choice.

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You are to him a substitute for his gf until he actually finds someone he wants to be in a relationship with.

You know, someone to hang out with , have sex with , but when he is over his breakup , the time spent with you will become less and less until eventually not at all.

 

That could be a few months to a few years , because while you are being there for him as a substitute, mentally and emotionally , he is not actually dealing with his break up.

 

Why are you spending every other day with him?? 10 weeks since you met, you should only be seeing him once weekly.

 

I bet he was the one to initiate meeting you more often , you mistakingly thinking he must really like you , you therefore spend more time with him and less time with friends, family, hobbies etc Am I right in saying that?

 

His eagerness to meet you so often is because instead of grieving his breakup , he is avoiding it by using you to fill the void, which I’m sorry but you are willingly doing.

 

Tell him that while you like him and would like to pursue an exclusive relationship with him , you are not interested in what he can offer you right now.

Tell him that you no longer wish to see him at this point at that in a few months if he would like to see you , you will be ok with that IF you are single.

Do NOT tell him you will wait for him.

 

Wish him good luck and then remove him from social media.

 

Good luck!!!

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It means he may still be on/off with his bf and just picked you up at a party. He's interested in others and that's all you need to know to dump him.

 

The way to handle this is to believe him and delete and block him. Get to a clinic/doctor for STD testing and use condoms for casual sex.

I asked him about our status and he said emotionally and mentally he is totally involved in me but physically he might get intimate with someone, though he hasn't yet. I'm also scared about STDs and also a heartbreak if he sleeps with someone else.
Edited by Wiseman2
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It means he may still be on/off with his gf and just picked you up at a party. He's interested in others and that's all you need to know to dump him.

 

IMO it’s def off with the ex gf. If it was on/off for 10 weeks he wouldn’t be seeing the op every other day?

 

I don’t think he is interested in others at this point. Just as he is not interested in the op, other than the distraction she is providing right now.

 

I agree she needs to lose him , how do you suggest she goes about it?

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It's not "if" he sleeps with others, it's when. Cut him off, it was a just hooking up. Next time have the exclusive talk before sex and use condoms.

but physically he might get intimate with someone, though he hasn't yet.

I'm also scared about STDs and also a heartbreak if he sleeps with someone else.

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Thanks a lot for your opinions. I tried asking a couple of my friends and their answers were no different.

 

I again had a talk with him today and he said sorry for making me feel bad by saying whatever he said. He gave a reasoning of why he said that, because in his past recent relationship he wasnt sexually happy and he said if he goes through the same thing again he'll be heartbroken for life. I asked him that whatever sex experiment he wants to try he can try with me then what is the need of seeing others for sex, he had no answer. Also, he was receiving messages on tinder even during our date. I asked him why so much active on tinder, he said he had sex chats with people 2 weeks back but never met anyone. He said sorry for putting me in this state where he doesn't know the answers and still trying to heal from past breakup.

He said he doesn't want to rush into something beautiful. He even said if he thinks of dating, I'm the only one for sure.

 

He seems transperent and honest but at the same time confused. I'm in a dilemma, how to deal with this? Is it a right idea to leave him in this broken state even after knowing that he has recently gone through a breakup and knowing that I kind of like this guy and have fallen for him.

 

Please help!

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I think you're treating yourself like a doormat by offering to be his experiment-ee for his sexual experiments. He has no answer because your question makes no sense - he wants to have a variety of sexual partners. If he wanted to experiment with you he would have told you.

Broken state? He's able to chat up potential sex partners on Tinder while he's with you and keeps the app on and he's telling you he's interested in having sex with other men. He's not broken - he's doing what he wants to do and he's doing just fine. The only confusion is why would you interact with a person who doesn't want what you want and why would you offer your body up for experimentation in such a desperate way? You're not leaving him in a broken state. You're declining to keep interacting with him because you two want different things.

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I'm in a dilemma, how to deal with this?

 

For all the confusion, I think the answer here is pretty simple. If everything he is telling you makes you thrilled to keep investing emotionally, then you keep investing. If, on the other hand, everything he is telling you makes you nervous, frightened, worried about getting hurt, then you divest.

 

He was one week out of a relationship before meeting you. He is, at present, not at all interested in being in a committed, exclusive relationship—and he's being completely transparent about that, right down to fielding Tinder messages from others while talking to you. He is asking you to validate the place he's in right now, not telling you that he wants to leave that place in order to be with you.

 

Your job, in dating, is not to mend the "brokenness" of another person. It's to meet a person who compliments who you are, where you are. He does not sound like he is remotely close to being able to do that. I know it hurts, and stings, but I think you will find much greater pain from investing in something that you already know hurts you.

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I don't think he's asking for validation. I don't think he cares in the least what the OP thinks of his choice to experiment with a variety of sexual partners - much less a need for validation. All he's saying is "I am planning to do this and I'd like you to be one of my sexual partners." I'd dismiss the whole "just broke up" thing -that's beside the point -who cares why he wants to experiment with a variety of sexual partners.

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I don't mean "validation" quite like that. OP brought things up. He said "Here's my deal," with total transparency. If that deal doesn't fly with OP, but if OP pretends otherwise and keeps engaging, the deal is "validated."

 

If OP wants a different deal to be "validated" through romance, it's not going to come with this man.

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Oh my goodness, this guy is a real peach. Girl/Guy he's just keeping you on the hook, telling you enough to make you think there is a possibility. That's breadcrumbs and bs! He is not interested in a relaitonship with you or anyone...he's just filling his dance card. Why can't him being on Tender while on a date with you not a deal breaker? Egad!

Edited by smackie9
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I don't mean "validation" quite like that. OP brought things up. He said "Here's my deal," with total transparency. If that deal doesn't fly with OP, but if OP pretends otherwise and keeps engaging, the deal is "validated."

 

If OP wants a different deal to be "validated" through romance, it's not going to come with this man.

 

Oh ok -I see validated as an affirmative act not just passively going along with something. For example when I tell my husband something that happened at work, and he just says "ok" I don't feel validated unless he also says "I agree with the approach you took" or "I see why that was frustrating, I would feel the same." I thought you meant the OP's sex partner is asking for validation of his choice to sleep around. I want the OP to know that IMO he doesn't give a darn what the OP thinks - that he would like the OP to keep having sex with him doesn't mean he needs validation of his choice, he just desires to keep having sex with the OP and other men who might catch his fancy on Tinder or otherwise.

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TiWi, what's your experience like with relationships in general? I can see this being very discouraging and I'm sorry you're going through something like this. As a general rule, do not continue dating another person who has just come out of a break up. You won't be on the same wavelength. This is very basic in terms of dating. Keep it clean and consistent with your dates and learn these red flags.

 

You're tripping on a lot of wires here. Check yourself for a little while and hit pause. This is not going the way you want it to for several reasons. You're too emotionally attached for what it's worth. Let things settle and simmer for awhile if you need to collect your thoughts.

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