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The seconds feel like hours; waiting to hear if my hope has any basis in reality


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Long story short, a little over a month ago I broke up with a woman I love due to distance and a fear that my sense of fidelity was waning. Well, like Joni said “you don’t know what you’ve got ‘till it’s gone...” and now I can see what an epic mistake I made. I was a fool to leave her.

 

Last week I went online and read her blog. I saw that she was posting about being devastatingly heartbroken every few days. She was writing about her breakup feelings including sadness, anger, loneliness and everything else that comes along with lost love. It was too much for me...after days of biting my tongue I texted her on Saturday and told her that I read her blog; that there was so much I wanted to say. I mentioned that what prompted me to text at that moment was a memory we have both always treasured, and coincidentally she was blocks away from the restaurant where that memory was created when my text came through...over 100 miles away from her house!

 

We texted a little the next day (Sunday) and both agreed we would like to have a heart-to-heart. She wondered if it was “to clear the air, or more?” and I made it clear that I would not hesitate to take the “more” option were it presented. She was on her way to a birthday party and had to go so I said I would wait to hear from her about when a good time to talk would be. We went our separate ways for the rest of the day.

 

Monday passed without any contact and also nothing today, Tuesday midday. You guys, if she hasn’t reached out already she’s not going to, is she?

 

I don’t regret texting her because I would do anything to reconcile. But I can see that if she doesn’t want to get back together I have set the healing process way back. Oof.

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Monday passed without any contact and also nothing today, Tuesday midday. You guys, if she hasn’t reached out already she’s not going to, is she?

 

I wouldn't necessarily reach that conclusion just yet.

 

She could indeed be thinking things over and trying to decide if it's in her best interest to see you. Or, she might have already decided she wants to see but is trying to play to cool before she tells you when she's free. Sometimes dumpees do this when they suddenly realize their ex regrets their choice and they're back in the driver's seat, so to speak - relishing a restored sense of power and control for a bit before conceding that they too want to try again. In short, I would give it a few more days before writing off all hope.

 

In the event she does meet you, what do you plan to do about the problems that led you to break up with her? How will manage the distance and your fading sense of fidelity differently?

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a little over a month ago I broke up with a woman I love due to distance and a fear that my sense of fidelity was waning.
... and what has changed in that short month?

 

How opulent have your options been since becoming single?

 

I wouldn't let a blog and a bit of want of female companionship sway you from a choice I'm sure you know, in the long run was the best thing for both of you. We don't usually dump people we really and truly want to spend the rest of our monogamous life with.

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Mmm if she goes anywhere near sites like this one, I bet everyone there is just advising her to "move on, scr*w him, block him, ignore his breadcrumbs, keep NC until he comes crawling on his knees and then kill him silently"... so I guess there it is. My advice as a dumpee would be - contact her again IF you really mean to be with her. And be prepared to work on it real hard. Don't bother if all you want is to see her and then smash her down again. On the one hand, it may be too early for you two as whatever it was that caused the break up is most probably not fixed. But on the other hand, if both of you are prepared to work on it... only the two of you can fix it.

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If you're so desperately wanting to talk with her, text her again. I don't see why she has to stick her neck out for you for any kind of talk after you broke up with her. The ball is your court.

 

I don't think it was a good idea of you to reach out in the first place and I think that's why you're second guessing or expecting her to show you some initiative (or indication) that she wants to talk to you too. Just approach her again if you want her so bad. Or stay away from her and don't entertain any ideas about reconciling.

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Oh, you guys are good. So much insight! I hope she wants to work it out, but if I don’t hear back at least I can move forward knowing I was able to put my pride away and made a play to win her heart back.

 

My current thinking says I will not be reaching out again if I don’t hear from her. Seems like that’s a pretty clear sign she wants to move on and it would be selfish and disruptive to BOTH of our letting go processes for me to pester. She’s not a mental game player and I will know if she wants to open a dialogue...

 

In fact, I think I knew already when I posted this post. Ouch.

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Dude, it's not on her to pursue a meeting with you. YOU dumped her and if you genuinely want her back, it's on you to pursue and essentially prove to her that you mean it. Right now, she has no reason to believe you and your intentions. It means you need to drop down on your knees and grovel....figuratively speaking. This is not a moment for pride and for equal communication expectations.

 

Also, before you go groveling and begging, you need to think long and hard if this is really the right thing to do. You had reasons to break up. So what were they? Was it you, was it her, was it both? Is this just a lonely moment or something deeper? Realize also that YOU broke her trust in you and so it's going to be on YOU to fix that and it will take time. Once you break up, getting back together is not that simple and a lot of things need to be cleared up and work on before you can move forward. Do not expect to get back together easily and just pick up where you left off....you literally broke that. Second chance means starting over, except you both now have baggage to clear up if the relationship is going to succeed.

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I'm so glad I posted here. This forum never fails to illuminate matters of the heart when I'm troubled.

 

I'm thinking and thinking and if I keep my logic clean and stick to facts, nothing has changed about the distance problem. And there would be no changes here for at least six years (if no surprising life changes become operable and FORCE a change.) I'm not moving and she's not moving because our kids are plugged in where they are. I also need to live relatively close to where I am due to the geography of the territory I cover for work. So between uprooting my kids and replacing a job that I love...not happening.

 

As far as the lack of physical affection issue and my mind that was beginning to occasionally wander after 4.5 years of "medium distance" goes...I should have brought it up with her before pulling the trigger. Instead I just said that my sexual needs weren't being met and broke up. Poor, no, non-existent communication there. I have a feeling we probably could have come up with a solution together had she been given a chance. I was so ashamed to catch myself feeling lustful toward other women. My brain told me if I had those thoughts then certainly she deserved better and you should just go. But in retrospect maybe giving her the dignity of having the conversation might have taken some of the power out of it? At least it would have included her in whatever we chose to do. By just leaving I cut her out of the process entirely.

 

In response to the two posters who inferred that I have expectations on her to take the initiative: I totally get where you're coming from. If I gave the impression that I'm sitting over here with folded arms, scowling while I look at my watch and tap my foot then that is my mistake. Rather, I reached out and we agreed that we wanted to talk. When she excused herself to attend to other business my intent was to give her some control over the situation by saying I'd wait to hear from her. Throughout our relationship, one of the things I really loved about her was her transparency, openness, lack of gamesmanship, etc. Generally speaking she says what she does and does what she says. I guess so far I have been erring on the side of not being overbearing, rather than sitting here butthurt because she hasn't called. But I can totally see what you guys are saying about demonstrating how serious I am through pursuit and pleading. Still, I think at this point I owe it to her to put some real thought into any move I make now, as I know in my heart that leaving was a rash mistake...hence this post.

 

My gut-level read on this is that she's done and doesn't want/need a talk about why or what happened. It makes me sad but I'm not surprised and couldn't hold it against her. It seems selfish to me to try to win her back rather than let her heal up and move forward if that's the case. I can put myself in her shoes and imagine the "dude, just leave me alone already" feeling. Add to that the themes of "there are reasons you broke up in the first place" (but are they good reasons?) and "leave that poor woman alone" that I'm hearing in the comments and I think the answer is pretty clear even if it isn't the answer I really wanted to hear.

 

That said, if she DOES ever reach out wanting to explore reconciliation of course I would be utterly honest and forthcoming and be willing to do the work it took to clear away the wreckage I created.

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From the outside looking in, since you're too close to the situation, in my opinion, a person who doesn't communicate and try to fix problems and bails instead, doesn't care enough. Without any female companionship, you're looking to the past, and now your past is new again. I predict if you got back together, when the newness wore off, your mind would start wandering again and you'd repeat another breakup. Because past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

 

With LDRs, if you can't close the distance in a year's time, I don't recommend them. I don't know if you met on OLD or otherwise. I know when I did OLD, I limited myself to dating within a 45 minute drive of my location. I'm sure you've learned that lesson to operate that way with future dating, although you should wait a good year of learning to live happily solo before you're ready for romance again.

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That's probably a good thing.

 

Remember when I wrote on your other thread to please not contact her just because you're feeling lonely and maybe sorry for yourself? Ping-ponging back and forth isn't a nice thing to do to someone. Consider how much it hurt her when you broke up with her and now you're trying to get her to take you back? That's double the hurt. Like, why would you put her through that if you're just going to change your mind a couple of weeks later?

 

Please consider how your actions can potentially hurt others before you decide to follow through.

 

And I have to say, this is probably the best outcome. As others have said, once you got her back and weren't lonely anymore you'd probably have broken up with her again.

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For sure the removal of any ambiguity is a good thing.

 

Funny, acting rashly is exactly how I put myself into this mess, so your post is spot on, bolt. There is a lot for me to learn from this...some will come up in the coming months, but a propensity for hasty and impulsive decisions is readily apparent.

 

As an alcoholic this is not news to me...and believe it or not I've come a long way in this regard since I got sober....but there's no denying it's time to do some inside work on this character defect of mine....

 

Thanks for the tough love, dude. I mean it.

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I don't think it was so rash. I'm just puzzled why your interest fizzled so quickly but perhaps it's for the best. Maybe that's the impulsiveness that you're talking about but I don't think you're impulsive - you're emotional and you still care about her and this can seem like a mirage of sorts while that love and care you feel for her is very real. Don't undermine yourself so easily.

 

I didn't see either of you as playing games or being game-y or manipulative. I just wouldn't be very convinced you know what you want if I were her. You seem very nervous overall. Hopefully one day there will be someone in your future who doesn't inspire that kind of anxiety or nervousness in you where you have to second guess yourself. In the meantime, I'd put this relationship to rest, stay away from any social media or blogs belonging to her because it might cause confusion and those strong feelings to well up again. She doesn't seem to do it completely for you (you're holding back when it comes to her) and seems to have manifested in all your actions. It's time to let go.

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I didn't see either of you as playing games or being game-y or manipulative.

 

You have a good read on her based on a few posts, I’m impressed. You’re right, she’s an emotionally mature, respectful, kind, loving person. Throughout this process there has been no arguing, manipulation, etc. Sadness? Confusion? Yes...but expressed in a healthy and direct way. That said I’m on my first full day of NC and haven’t slipped. She’s blocked on the phone and emails and I haven’t visited her blog. I don’t have social media so that parts easy, haha. Today is her eldest son’s birthday but despite being very close to them I decided to go NC with her kids too. They are not blocked and if they needed a trusted adult to talk to I would absolutely be there for them - I figure it’s just better to let them sort their feelings too and not complicate.

 

My interest never truly fizzled to be honest. She was really fun to hang out with and we got along GREAT. The sex was the best of my life (when we were able to do it. But some things I sacrificed my own desires for in order to be with her and I think they just eventually caught up.

1. The distance. On our second date she told me she intended to move about a hundred miles away and I broke it off because I wasn’t interested in long distance. But the chemistry was WILD and we couldn’t resist each other haha. Sacrifice number 1.

2. I discovered early on she wasn’t willing to travel with me. President’s club trips I won, road trips, Hawaiian vacations....nope not interested. May sound trivial to some but never going on a single vacation together in 4.5 years was a real bummer to me. Sacrifice #2

3. Affection: I want a lot, her not so much. She wants to sleep alone in the bed. There was an occasional head rested on the shoulder or hand on the knee but she is by NO means a cuddler and physical affection is so important to me. Her hands-off day to day ways combined with long distance made this sacrifice #3

4. I started sacrificing my own integrity by entertaining fantasies of cheating. I never acted on them, but the fact that I kept catching myself “mentally cheating” disturbed me and made me feel ashamed of myself. Sacrifice #4

 

I think it took about two months of “stewing” for me to break up. The issue I have with myself at this point is that I cut her out of the decision. I just left without giving her the dignity of an opportunity to say “I’ll work on it” OR “Sorry, that’s just how I am.”

 

oh...another thing you nailed? I’m an emotional person to the nth degree, lol. Blessing and a curse. And of course I still love her and care for her...I like the way you described this state as a mirage.

 

Knowing it’s over for good really helped though - today I felt some freedom from my head and I even went and treated myself to a chair massage at the mall. All is well. Even though we’re both sad right now, the truth is we exchanged gifts in this life and that’s a beautiful thing. Both of us will heal and neither of us will have a hard time meeting someone new and carrying the lessons we take from this into our next romances.

 

Thank you Rose!!

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That's very beautiful. I read it as an ode or a farewell and part of your healing. At some point we all have to say goodbye to a chapter of our lives that has not worked for us. There is tremendous life after the closing of a chapter. A new one will begin. You seem to know yourself very well and what you need. Trust in yourself and preserve your candor. Keep healing and growing forwards.

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