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Marriage Ultimatum. Dead stuck, please help!


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Disclaimer: since English is not my native language, I apologize for awkward collocations and mistakes


It really tears my heart apart. I’m really stuck and don’t know what to do. Please, help me! :upset:


A bit of background. We've been dating for almost 5 years. I'm 25 years old living in a major city with a decent job I really enjoy. When I’m arguing with someone, I really try to understand other point of view and I’m easily convincible most of the times. My sweetheart is also of my age, and she is really caring and courteous. We both come from harsh background. Her father is a downright emotional and physical abuser, and mine is an alcoholic who did not participate in my education. Both of our families are about to split up cause our moms had enough. We grew up in a way that I became quite agreeable and my girlfriend turned out to be the opposite. She almost always gets her way.


My girlfriend is both caring and assertive when she wants to push something. She is not easily messed with, and I really like it about her, but sometimes it gets too complicated. Basically, that's why we are not still married, and we still do not live together. She has been REALLY emotionally abusive with me for the first three years, throwing multiple hours’ temper tantrums about the most minor things. She could easily call me at 2AM and start arguing even she knew I had an important exam next day. When I tried to tell her that I need to rest, she would tell me that I'm being an egoist since I don't care for her emotions. It seems that she developed exhausting tactics with me. It happens even now sometimes, and these abusive feats really killed me inside. It was horrible, I can’t even find words to describe it. I even was diagnosed with a minor mental condition (depresonalization and derealization syndrome) as a result of these fallouts.


I'm not saying I didn't make mistakes, I surely did, but I couldn't understand why one would do this to the partner, so I told her it's not okay. It took me three tiresome years to convince her she needs help with her anger control. She went to therapy and done pretty good job with that, but they still occur. However, I wasn’t self-aware at that moment and I started to express my aggression in a passive way. I wanted to escape these atrocious abusive situations, my soul was completely worn out, so…:upset:


One day two years ago suddenly I had no place to stay and no money to pay the rent, so a friend of mine suggested that I live for a couple of weeks at her place. She was a female, and it was my girlfriend who introduced us. I knew it was strange, and to all surprise my girlfriend said it would be completely OK. I was ashamed of that, but still did it. However, after a while my girlfriend turned 180 degrees on this when I lived there. It was a complete nightmare for both of us until I finally moved to another place. I cut my contact with this friend out of respect to my girlfriend's feelings. I felt safe at her place, it was like a fortress for me, and I was not intentional in hurting my girlfriend’s feelings. I now know it was horrible and inconsiderate, and I really tried to make up for it.


Well, it all now comes down to this. I’m afraid of locking it all up with her, I’m afraid of marrying her cause I think I will not handle it and all this baggage. She tries her best and she really loves me, but sometimes she can’t get a grip of herself. And she knows all that. She has recently put an ultimatum that either we marry, or we are done, and she gave me some time to make a proposal and find a flat. I can really understand her point, but my gut tells me its wrong to start a family like that.


She once gave me a career ultimatum and I agreed to it. I had an amazing career lined up with traveling and an outstanding salary for my age, but she didn’t want to be restricted and marry a man who she will have to follow everywhere cause she wanted to have her own business. Now she has her own thing, and I have spent 2 years all over the place stuck at a half-decent job I will soon hate. I now realize this ultimatum only made me resentful and unhappy, and it was completely my decision. I don’t want to repeat mistakes. She refuses to talk over the last marriage ultimatum and says if I’m not done by this time, we are done.


However, we really love each other. We spend time together quite frequently and it is amazing, we feel like soul mates. I never had anything like that, I love her dearly!


But a gut feeling tells me I need to pull over and think it all through. I’m really stuck and don’t know if I’m thinking right or wrong and what are the possible ways of negotiating here or even if I should just break it off. It all makes me miserable as hell, I don't want it to be this way. I want to pursue that career path I once did not follow, and there a ways we can both actually handle it; I even go to therapy once a week, but to no avail. Any advice will be appreciated.

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It's possible to love someone deeply, but not be right together, and miserable for each other.

From what you say here it's hard to tell if you're happy with this arrangement. And it's right to stop and think.

You have a right to the life you want, are you sure you want this one with her? If not, then stop it from continuing.

You also have the right to that choice.

It doesn't mean everything will be easy from now on, it doesn't mean you'll stop thinking about her, or stop loving her.

It just means you'll get a chance to control your own life and choices.

Maybe it will mean too that she'll find someone else.

Before you take the next step, ask yourself why you are doing this.


Is it fear you're feeling right now?


If it's because you feel pressured from her is it cold feet on your part, or is it not being ready?

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You are done. You can't love each other and remain soulmates while unhappy due to major differences in personality and character.


She's very controlling and manipulative. You lost a great job opportunity due to her ultimatums. Forget marriage because if you marry, you'll regret it.


There is no room for negotiation. Break it off in order to save your life.


Keep it simple. Tell her it's time to go your separate ways and that the two of you were not meant for each other. It will never work out and you both are doomed for failure should you continue being with each other and marriage will spell disaster. It's best to prevent this scenario from growing worse. Best to cut it off now. It's time for you to go your own way. Both of you are incompatible.


In the future, be very careful with whom you choose and end it before your problems continue to escalate.

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Reading your post, I really feel you answered your own question. Why would you continue to commit to a person that continually presses you to put their needs above your own?


You had no where to live and a friend took you in but, you broke up with the friend, because of your girlfriend? Think about that. On one hand, there is a person helping you when you are down and out. On the other hand, there is a person claiming your situation is hurting them?? You had no where to live. It doesn't matter if a friend is male or female. They were being a friend. I don't understand that at all.


Also why did you have to give up a dream job for her dream? There doesn't seem to be a lot of give and take in this situation. And I can tell you, a marriage requires give and take. I understand you have a lot of fun and have been together and it will hurt to end it, but if you don't stand up for yourself now, I am willing to bet you won't. You deserve the live you want. You don't have to marry someone to keep them in your life. That is not the point of marrying someone. The right people stay in your life because they want to. They want to be with you, grow with you, see you achieve your goals.


I am sorry but I feel your family trauma may have skewed your ideas of what love and loyalty are. I encourage you to seek therapy. This is not a happy, healthy relationship.

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You may love each other but it sounds like you are not good for each other. Imo, you need to break up. Her ultimatum is not wrong this time as it sounds like you are wasting her time. You sound passive aggressive and you blame her for your inability to stand up for what YOU want, yet you stay on. If you were to marry, you would blame her for all the times you failed to uphold your boundaries and go after what you really want.


Your career dreams are incompatible and that's a valid reason to break up. All your concerns are valid. However, you need to grow a spine. You should have broken up during her first ultimatum. Stop wasting her time.

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Your girlfriend is a bully and this has made you into a blathering simp. She knows that all she has to do to get her way is to throw a tantrum or make an outrageous demand and you will buckle under the pressure. She gets away with this now, and she will get away with it forever if you stay with her. And likely, it is only going to get worse.


You could take the long approach and grow a massive backbone and start standing up to her, but the fight is going to last another 5 years.


Get out now and don't look back. You've given it enough time to try to work it through, but she is still a bully. You will end up married to her and stuck.


And, as a general rule, if a woman gives you an ultimatum, walk away.

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I'm sorry I was not able to reply to you all in a timely manner. Thanks a lot everyone for trying to help me out with all this. You are saving my life


I really did open a topic about 9 months ago and I thought in the heat of the moment that current situation is a bit different.


I offered her to go to couples counseling, I will do both searching and paying. And I offered that we just move in. But she says she is so busy with her business right now that she doesn't want to participate. She says she wants to work on relations really hard instead of just being half ass on session thinking of her business affairs. She wants me to take care of her for now and neglect my share of feelings


I can really see how she feels, it is really hard to start a business in our country. She is busy 24/7 with it, as well her own therapy and business coaching.But, nonetheless, it really shows how she is distributing her priorities. I'm currently on the way to finally talk to her and I'm almost sure in will end in breaking up as she seems not to be interested in working on relations even for a bit.

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Yes, I think you have correctly evaluated it. She doesn't think anything is wrong as long as you do what she wants.

It seems like in her mind your role is to be the one who gives her what she wants and that's the way it works.

For people who have experienced abuse like you two,there are generally two results before people figure out they have something to work on. Becoming an abuser themselves,or becoming a codependent. You can't have one without the other. An abuser can't be an abuser without someone who will allow the abuse.

So, you are just playing a role that you will grow out of and learn to hate. And why wouldn't you? Does anyone really like it?

Do you want that? You really need to get out there figure your own thing out get yourself together and realize you don't have to take that.

Abuse is not love.

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That's how it works, always with abusers, they know what they're doing, if you think it's your fault, they get away with it.

You really both need each other to make that whole messy painful and destructive dynamic to work. Aren't you tired of it yet? With her it will always be your fault and with you, you're already brainwashed to believe that.

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It sounds like you are looking for excuses to stay and marry her.


If you choose to marry her, please realize you are basically giving up the right to complain about how she treats you. You would be agreeing to give up everything you want to do and agreeing to do whatever she wants you to do.


How does a lifetime of being told what to do and being blamed if you don't sound? Maybe 40 to 50 years of her treating you the way she does now. Does that sound wonderful and amazing?

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