elmariachi93 Posted October 20, 2019 Share Posted October 20, 2019 Disclaimer: since English is not my native language, I apologize for awkward collocations and mistakes It really tears my heart apart. I’m really stuck and don’t know what to do. Please, help me! A bit of background. We've been dating for almost 5 years. I'm 25 years old living in a major city with a decent job I really enjoy. When I’m arguing with someone, I really try to understand other point of view and I’m easily convincible most of the times. My sweetheart is also of my age, and she is really caring and courteous. We both come from harsh background. Her father is a downright emotional and physical abuser, and mine is an alcoholic who did not participate in my education. Both of our families are about to split up cause our moms had enough. We grew up in a way that I became quite agreeable and my girlfriend turned out to be the opposite. She almost always gets her way. My girlfriend is both caring and assertive when she wants to push something. She is not easily messed with, and I really like it about her, but sometimes it gets too complicated. Basically, that's why we are not still married, and we still do not live together. She has been REALLY emotionally abusive with me for the first three years, throwing multiple hours’ temper tantrums about the most minor things. She could easily call me at 2AM and start arguing even she knew I had an important exam next day. When I tried to tell her that I need to rest, she would tell me that I'm being an egoist since I don't care for her emotions. It seems that she developed exhausting tactics with me. It happens even now sometimes, and these abusive feats really killed me inside. It was horrible, I can’t even find words to describe it. I even was diagnosed with a minor mental condition (depresonalization and derealization syndrome) as a result of these fallouts. I'm not saying I didn't make mistakes, I surely did, but I couldn't understand why one would do this to the partner, so I told her it's not okay. It took me three tiresome years to convince her she needs help with her anger control. She went to therapy and done pretty good job with that, but they still occur. However, I wasn’t self-aware at that moment and I started to express my aggression in a passive way. I wanted to escape these atrocious abusive situations, my soul was completely worn out, so… One day two years ago suddenly I had no place to stay and no money to pay the rent, so a friend of mine suggested that I live for a couple of weeks at her place. She was a female, and it was my girlfriend who introduced us. I knew it was strange, and to all surprise my girlfriend said it would be completely OK. I was ashamed of that, but still did it. However, after a while my girlfriend turned 180 degrees on this when I lived there. It was a complete nightmare for both of us until I finally moved to another place. I cut my contact with this friend out of respect to my girlfriend's feelings. I felt safe at her place, it was like a fortress for me, and I was not intentional in hurting my girlfriend’s feelings. I now know it was horrible and inconsiderate, and I really tried to make up for it. Well, it all now comes down to this. I’m afraid of locking it all up with her, I’m afraid of marrying her cause I think I will not handle it and all this baggage. She tries her best and she really loves me, but sometimes she can’t get a grip of herself. And she knows all that. She has recently put an ultimatum that either we marry, or we are done, and she gave me some time to make a proposal and find a flat. I can really understand her point, but my gut tells me its wrong to start a family like that. She once gave me a career ultimatum and I agreed to it. I had an amazing career lined up with traveling and an outstanding salary for my age, but she didn’t want to be restricted and marry a man who she will have to follow everywhere cause she wanted to have her own business. Now she has her own thing, and I have spent 2 years all over the place stuck at a half-decent job I will soon hate. I now realize this ultimatum only made me resentful and unhappy, and it was completely my decision. I don’t want to repeat mistakes. She refuses to talk over the last marriage ultimatum and says if I’m not done by this time, we are done. However, we really love each other. We spend time together quite frequently and it is amazing, we feel like soul mates. I never had anything like that, I love her dearly! But a gut feeling tells me I need to pull over and think it all through. I’m really stuck and don’t know if I’m thinking right or wrong and what are the possible ways of negotiating here or even if I should just break it off. It all makes me miserable as hell, I don't want it to be this way. I want to pursue that career path I once did not follow, and there a ways we can both actually handle it; I even go to therapy once a week, but to no avail. Any advice will be appreciated. Link to comment
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