Jump to content

Recommended Posts

When I met my fiancé I knew he liked to drink. We were in our 20’s so I didn’t think anything of it. I started noticing that when he started he couldn’t just have a few. It was a lot usually to the point of him being drunk every time he drank. I left him after three years of lying about how much he drank and staying out until 3, 4 sometimes 5 am and coming home drunkWe got back together after 6 months. He showed me that his drinking slowed down a lot and he was willing to put in the work or so I thought. He stayed like that for about two years and still drank but definitely had cut down and we got engaged. The last 6-8 months , he has had times where he’s drinking 2-3 times a week then it slows down usually when I say something. A few weeks ago he was drinking at a work party , went to his brothers after and told me he would be home soon. He never came home. He fell asleep there and apologized and I had a serious talk that he needs to fix this now or we are not getting married. He agreed. Two weeks later he was out, texted me at 10pm to say he was having a drink with his boss(a big alcoholic) and I didn’t hear from him the rest of the night. He came home at 3am went right to the couch and didn’t say anything until 10 am when he texted me from work just “good morning”. He doesn’t think it is a problem because it is only ever beer and it’s not everyday. I told him I am done with this packed my things when he wasn’t home and went back to my parents. I just moved in with him and it’s the same thing. His father has stage 4 cancer so I don’t want to leave him, but I can’t take it anymore. Advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 55
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

This isn't a problem that you or he can solve without outside help. If he truly wants to stop drinking (which he probably doesn't) he's going to need some intervention like AA.

 

Don't let him make excuses about his father's health issues. You don't want to marry a man who doesn't have a backbone to stand up and face the issues he has with a crutch. I hate to say it, but I think you might be better off without him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I had a serious talk that he needs to fix this now or we are not getting married. He agreed.
Good for you for saying what you mean and (hopefully) meaning what you say. To go back to him now will clearly tell him that you are just fine with his alcoholism and that will give him the green light to never change. Don't enable him or he will never get the rehab and counselling and support (like AA) that he needs to stop his addiction.

 

Break up with him and tell him that if he's been to rehab, is clean and sober for at the very least a year and you are still single then you will go out for a coffee with him and see if the attraction is still there. That means no contact while he recovers.

 

Let him hit his rock bottom and if he never does, then you will be very glad that you're not in his life.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Most alcoholics deny having a problem. You will never be able to fix him. Stop. You are not responsible for his bad habits or whatever the consequences of his drinking are. His friends and family can help him with family problems, support, grief, etc. Stop ruining your life with this. He will not get better because he doesn't think he has a problem.

 

Look up AlAnon. It is a support group for people involved with alcoholics. All alcohols blame others. Their primary relationship is with booze, everyone else is just a pawn to that end. You are nothing to him, he would rather spend time with his bottles. You know this.

 

Alcoholics not only ruin their own lives and health they ruin the lives and health of everyone around them. And they do not care because they only care about booze and themselves.

He came home at 3am went right to the couch and didn’t say anything until 10 am when he texted me from work just “good morning”. I told him I am done with this packed my things when he wasn’t home and went back to my parents.
Link to post
Share on other sites

Often when we ask certain questions—like "should I break off the engagement?"—it's because we already know the answer. So: what do you think?

 

Taking a generous view here, with your own health and happiness the focus, the big issue here at the moment is not his drinking but your problem with his drinking. Because if he doesn't think it's a problem—well, then it's not, while you know it's a real problem, for you. And if you two can't compromise so it's not a problem in the relationship? That is the definition of an impasse on the compatibility front. Replace "drinking" with "only likes sex once a month in one position" and it's the same thing: two people who don't work.

 

This is kind of that simple—and, of course, more complicated, in that it sounds like he has a real problem that he won't recognize. Obvious evidence of a drinking problem? It's not how much you drink, but if your drinking is pushing away the people who love you. His is. Except he doesn't really know that—because so long as you are there, or even near, it keeps that knowledge from ever sinking in, really.

 

It sucks. It sucks to want to help someone, and be there, when your helping and being there is the one thing that makes that true help impossible. This is the havoc of substance abuse, and it's ugly stuff. But your own health and happiness are real things, and they deserve your protection—so, yes, I think you've done the right thing in moving out. For you. And for him.

 

I say the thing to do, now, is keep walking on the path you're on. Let him know why you're on it—that you can only see yourself with him if he stops drinking, for good—and then keep moving. If, as TwT said, he goes 12 months sober, wants to meet up, maybe you guys say hi and see what's there, then. But until then you have to take care of yourself. AlAnon, as Wiseman said, is a terrific resource during these times. I second doing some exploration there.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Awesome post, Blue but I suggest she don't even take him back after a year sober if he hasn't done a goodly stint in either professional therapy or the support of a 12 step programme such as AA. He will need to replace a bad habit with a good one and the habit of relying on fellow addicts of alcohol for support and guidance will be a good habit that will help him to keep his sobriety. It will be far too easy for him to slip back into his drinking if he doesn't have the tools to keep him on the wagon and the knowledge of why drinking is his go to to begin with.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I used to drink more when I met him in my 20’s. Drinking just doesn’t appeal to me at all anymore. I do maybe once a month if that. I am in the medical field and have alcoholism all throughout my family, so I have seen what it does to people.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The fact that he doesn't see it as a problem in your indication that this is what married life would look like with him, too. He is surrounded by people who share that lifestyle, so the likelihood of him actually changing and sticking to it is slim. He enjoys it too much and is socializes with people who enable it. I have a hard time imagining he will ever agree to treatment, to be honest.

 

It is sad that his father is very sick and I don't doubt he is struggling with that and leaning on booze even more to distract him. However, it seems the frequent binges have been an issue all along, even prior to his dad's illness. Is that correct?

 

At the end of the day, this a serious incompatibility. It is not the foundation on which to build a marriage. What was his response when you left?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Awesome post, Blue but I suggest she don't even take him back after a year sober if he hasn't done a goodly stint in either professional therapy or the support of a 12 step programme such as AA. He will need to replace a bad habit with a good one and the habit of relying on fellow addicts of alcohol for support and guidance will be a good habit that will help him to keep his sobriety. It will be far too easy for him to slip back into his drinking if he doesn't have the tools to keep him on the wagon and the knowledge of why drinking is his go to to begin with.

 

Agree.

 

Look, were I to be super blunt here I'd say: be done, for good. This just doesn't sound like compatibility, plain and simple. In ways, that hard fact is made more complicated by it being about drinking—rather than, say, sexual incompatibility—because it provides some kind of illusion that something can be worked on, worked through, and OP, perhaps from her family background, has both a predisposition to be repelled and compelled by problem drinkers.

 

And yet: working on it has been attempted, with negative results. End of experiment.

 

Every couple is going to have issues, and every relationship will "enable" some bad habits in both people. That's the stuff you "work on" here and there, and part of compatibility is that that work doesn't sound soul-destroying, because you see it and jut accept it. That is part of "I do." It's part of the package, not the thing that tears the bottom out of the package. This—the drinking—is not something these two see eye to eye on. Easier to call that than turn it into a war between two people with clashing definitions of peace.

 

I have both a very lax view of drinking, even drugs, and a strident one. Anyone, in my book, can do these things as much, or as little, as they'd like. People that I think have serious issues with these things, or whose indulgence I find troubling? They are people I stay away from, save those who have made recognizing and taking care of the problem a foundation of their life, like my friends who have been sober for decades (didn't know them when they were on the stuff). That's a choice I made long ago. Less headaches, better connections.

 

My few cents.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd go with your gut feeling on the matter. It seems you're close to breaking point and perhaps it's the lying more than the drinking that's gotten out of hand. It doesn't have to be as complicated as whether or not he's binge drinking or a big drinker. He's starting to lie about it and if he's experiencing personality changes and vast changes in his character compared to the person you used to know (in a negative way), this should be enough for you to pull the plug if you feel it's having a negative impact on you.

 

Keep it simple and look at the impact he's having on your life. If it doesn't feel good or if you don't see it progressing into something more positive or evolving in a increasingly brighter or more intriguing/joyful future, this is not the man for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are smart to leave and I hope it sticks this time. Then you know that soon he will have ED, fatty liver, neurological, cardiac and other problems. Research Wernicke–Korsakoff syndrome if you want to see what growing old with him could look like.

 

You also know that one day that call will come from the ER, morgue, jail, etc. You can extrapolate the trajectory here because unless he turns it around, that is how it goes.

 

Also consider the expense of defense attorneys when he gets duis, crashes into people, destroys the car or house, etc or kills someone. But most of all what a non-life you'll have with a problem drinker is the main consideration.

I used to drink more when I met him in my 20’s. Drinking just doesn’t appeal to me at all anymore. I do maybe once a month if that. I am in the medical field and have alcoholism all throughout my family, so I have seen what it does to people.
Link to post
Share on other sites
The fact that he doesn't see it as a problem in your indication that this is what married life would look like with him, too. He is surrounded by people who share that lifestyle, so the likelihood of him actually changing and sticking to it is slim. He enjoys it too much and is socializes with people who enable it. I have a hard time imagining he will ever agree to treatment, to be honest.

 

It is sad that his father is very sick and I don't doubt he is struggling with that and leaning on booze even more to distract him. However, it seems the frequent binges have been an issue all along, even prior to his dad's illness. Is that correct?

 

At the end of the day, this a serious incompatibility. It is not the foundation on which to build a marriage. What was his response when you left?

 

He was at work when I got my stuff. I texted him after I left. I know it’s impersonal but talking face to face does nothing. I said that my hearts not in it anymore because of the same behavior over and over again and that I’m done talking about it because he just doesn’t care. Just told him how much he hurt me again.

 

He texted me back 5 hours later and just said. “I’m so sorry”

 

This is what he does every time this happens. He avoids me for a couple days. Doesn’t fight for the relationship and just texts me a few days later and says hi. Then he apologizes with empty promises etc.

Link to post
Share on other sites
This is what he does every time this happens. He avoids me for a couple days. Doesn’t fight for the relationship and just texts me a few days later and says hi. Then he apologizes with empty promises etc.

 

When a pattern like this exists in a relationship, it's not a relationship worth saving.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Putting aside the drinking issue, I think once you're entertaining the notion that a relationship is something your partner needs to "fight for," or "fight harder" for, is the moment a relationship has turned too fraught, that the fight is over. Relationships can't be sustained as wars, romantic partners can't be judged like soldiers.

 

Whether that fight surrounds booze or putting down the toilet seat, if you're just going round for round, around and around, you're in a destructive pattern with a fellow human. Some people have drinking problems. Some people have bad bathroom etiquette. Pick the battle that doesn't feel like a battle, where whatever "fight" a person has to offer is something you can live with in harmony. That's who you marry.

 

I'm not trying to negate the severity of the drinking—I'm the product of one parent with drug and alcohol issues—but this just sounds like a relationship you've outgrown. What works in our 20s doesn't always work in our 30s, and beyond. He remains rooted in a mode of living that you are not interested in, and he is not interested in changing.

 

Is this him for the next year, the next 10, forever? Does anything good come for you in even making that kind of wager, or from trying to get him to "fight" in a way he has proven incapable of?

 

I know how hard this is, I feel for you, and it's in my general nature to find silver linings in the darkest of situations. But in this one I think the silver lining may only come from moving on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Putting aside the drinking issue, I think once you're entertaining the notion that a relationship is something your partner needs to "fight for," or "fight harder" for, is the moment a relationship has turned too fraught, that the fight is over. Relationships can't be sustained as wars, romantic partners can't be judged like soldiers.

 

Whether that fight surrounds booze or putting down the toilet seat, if you're just going round for round, around and around, you're in a destructive pattern with a fellow human. Some people have drinking problems. Some people have bad bathroom etiquette. Pick the battle that doesn't feel like a battle, where whatever "fight" a person has to offer is something you can live with in harmony. That's who you marry.

 

I'm not trying to negate the severity of the drinking—I'm the product of one parent with drug and alcohol issues—but this just sounds like a relationship you've outgrown. What works in our 20s doesn't always work in our 30s, and beyond. He remains rooted in a mode of living that you are not interested in, and he is not interested in changing.

 

Is this him for the next year, the next 10, forever? Does anything good come for you in even making that kind of wager, or from trying to get him to "fight" in a way he has proven incapable of?

 

I know how hard this is, I feel for you, and it's in my general nature to find silver linings in the darkest of situations. But in this one I think the silver lining may only come from moving on.

 

I guess by “fighting “ I don’t mean actually having a war. I mean by trying to fix things and make them better instead of saying sorry and doing the same things. I understand though, that this is something that more than likely can’t be fixed. Still, it is difficult to deal with being with someone and feeling that they don’t care enough to reach out to you and talk about things even if it were to end. Just because you have invested so much into them and they deserve that. Instead of avoiding the situation.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I guess by “fighting “ I don’t mean actually having a war. I mean by trying to fix things and make them better instead of saying sorry and doing the same things. I understand though, that this is something that more than likely can’t be fixed. Still, it is difficult to deal with being with someone and feeling that they don’t care enough to reach out to you and talk about things even if it were to end. Just because you have invested so much into them and they deserve that. Instead of avoiding the situation.

 

I get it, believe me. I had to go through something like this with a parent—and, being a parent, it means I'll kind of "always" be going through it, since I can't choose to have another one. But I would be a miserable shell of a human if I dedicated emotional energy to expecting that parent to magically "step up" in a way that parent has proven incapable of doing.

 

You guys were super young when you met—and you remain pretty young. There are some qualities in people we don't even know are important until later in life—like, for instance, the quality of "fight" they have within them. Some people stand particularly tall in conflict, others wilt. Not sure where he fits in on that spectrum generally, but in this you are talking about a substance people consume, in ways big and small, with the specific purpose of avoiding things and feelings.

 

I understand your frustrations, and your hurt. I'm just trying to be logical, so you can move in a direction instead of spinning in a loop.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Think of it like this: If he stayed exactly the same, did not changed, was out drinking (and possibly drunk driving) all night and said good morning from work, are you fine with that? if the answer is no, be done for good. He doesn't admit that he has a problem. He will drink a "little less" simply to pacify you. And wash, rinse, repeat.

 

I would not make his father's cancer a deciding factor. Some people live quite awhile with stage 4 depending on the cancer -- some people might live up to 5 years. Those are outliers, but what i am trying to say is if you wait for dad to die, then you could have a long wait, or you will have the excuse he is getting over his dad's death.

 

I would leave now. He has his family around to lean on. Who knows, maybe it all makes him hit rock bottom to realize he has a problem. Either way, don't be around to watch. I know someone who has wasted their life with an alcoholic. It was always "i don't want to leave him because he just lost his job/mom/is going through a hard transition" and 20 years later she finally did - but now has to deal with the consequences.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He's an alcoholic and needs to go to AAA regularly. If he doesn't seek professional help, you're done.

 

I've seen with my own eyes so many miserable stories revolving around alcoholism with friends and family. Your life will be ruined due to an alcoholic.

 

Don't allow your boyfriend's father's cancer to cloud your judgment. While it's sorrowful for your boyfriend, his father and family, cancer has nothing to do with your toxic and dysfunctional relationship with your boyfriend and hopefully soon to be ex-boyfriend.

 

You need to move on with your life in a healthy way and associate with only mentally and physically healthy people otherwise they'll drag you down. Be realistic, rational and practical. You'll thank yourself later when you create less stress for yourself.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This ship is going to sink. It's that simple. You can choose to go down with it or take this lifeboat and get away from this Titanic situation. A relationship is only as healthy as the least healthy person in it.

 

You're not going to fix him. He is to the point of addiction. You don't fix that like a quibble about some other minor incompatibility.. You won't bring him up, he will bring you down because his disease is far greater than your enabling.

 

In fact you seem to be becoming unwell yourself from all this. Stop fixing him. Stop minimizing.

I guess by “fighting “ I don’t mean actually having a war. I mean by trying to fix things and make them better instead of saying sorry and doing the same things. I understand though, that this is something that more than likely can’t be fixed. Still, it is difficult to deal with being with someone and feeling that they don’t care enough to reach out to you and talk about things even if it were to end. Just because you have invested so much into them and they deserve that. Instead of avoiding the situation.
Link to post
Share on other sites
This ship is going to sink. It's that simple. You can choose to go down with it or take this lifeboat and get away from this Titanic situation. A relationship is only as healthy as the least healthy person in it.

 

You're not going to fix him. He is to the point of addiction. You don't fix that like a quibble about some other minor incompatibility.. You won't bring him up, he will bring you down because his disease is far greater than your enabling.

 

In fact you seem to be becoming unwell yourself from all this. Stop fixing him. Stop minimizing.

 

I spoke to his mother last night to tell her that I am stopping the wedding planning right now and do not go forward with anything. I told her it will get worse after marriage and I don’t want to bring kids into the world in this situation. Her response :

 

“He doesn’t drink everyday. I think that actually will help him getting married and having kids .” Urghh

Link to post
Share on other sites

Stick to your guns. She ruined her life with these idiotic rationalizations about drinkers, so her judgement is useless. You don't owe her more explanations. You owe yourself a decent life free of drama and drunks like this.

I spoke to his mother last night to tell her that I am stopping the wedding planning right now and do not go forward with anything. I Her response : “He doesn’t drink everyday. I think that actually will help him getting married and having kids .” Urghh
Link to post
Share on other sites
I spoke to his mother last night to tell her that I am stopping the wedding planning right now and do not go forward with anything. I told her it will get worse after marriage and I don’t want to bring kids into the world in this situation. Her response :

 

“He doesn’t drink everyday. I think that actually will help him getting married and having kids .” Urghh

 

You marry him and have kids with him and you'll end up with kids who have an alcoholic for a father. You couldn't leave the kids with him and you couldn't let him drive them anywhere. He'll drain the family bank account buying booze.

 

Don't expect his mother to understand your point of view. She is codependent and an enabler. Plus, she's his MOTHER. She is squarely on his side, no matter what he does.

 

Cancel the wedding plans, give back the ring and take time for yourself.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...