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Am I not seeing the sense in this situation?


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My girlfriend / soon to be fiancé said to me that I'm crazy and has been shouting at me and calling me names regarding this situation, which I believe is really nothing, but to her, it's a massive deal. I just don't understand why?

 

So I used to be a music producer until I got dropped from my record label 5 years ago, and since then, I lost my touch with music due to confidence reason after being dropped. I've been practising again for the last couple months and I'm finally happy that I've achieved a song production that I can say is back to my standards. It took a while to get there and I'm pretty damn happy with it.

 

I was in the car with my girlfriend yesterday evening and I was pretty hyped about the track and asked if I could play it in the car. I connected my bluetooth and pumped the track out. It was amazing. She liked some parts, but didn't like others and suggested I implement some violin elements to go with the hard beat. Cool, I like critique, it's the only way I get better. But this isn't the problem.

 

As she was driving me back home, I started humming / beatboxing my track because I was super vibing and excited by it. I was properly in my element and super proud of my achievement. She started talking and I continued to beatbox. I was literally so involved with creative ideas that I couldn't physically stop humming my track. Then she starting shouting at me and calling me rude.

 

She said that I'm not a normal human being and that any normal person who is on this planet wouldn't do that. She called me an arse hole and all sorts. This completely ruined my creativeness and I stopped to say sorry and that I was simply enjoying myself and I was completely listening to her. I proved this by reciting to her exactly what she said to me. But this still wasn't good enough. She wore me down and down and down. I usually blow her a kiss when I get out of the car, but by this point, all the life felt like it was sucked out of me and I just walked off. I did however text her to see if she got home safely, but she didn't see the message till 9:55 the next morning. I did call her, but again, she told me "are you joking", "it's rude"...

 

((SIDE NOTE: EARLIER IN THE DAY)

She forget beforehand that it was only 4 hours ago that she assumed I was elsewhere and completely exploded at me and calling me a liar. Then I proved I was at my local groceries as I took pictures and sent it to her. She thought I was with my friend who's nan just died, but he lives 2 hours away. I said to her that I "speaking to" my friend". I didn't say "seeing" my friend. She got it completely wrong. Shouted at me over the phone and told me not to bother seeing her. Sent her all the time stamped text messages to my mate and everything, but she still wasn't having any of it. She then realised how wrong she was and offered me no apology. I asked her why she isn't apologising after the abuse she hurled at me, and she basically said "because I wont". She then asked me why I left home early to get to the shop and explained I had to or the shisha supplies shop would close. She then said "well then messages should be about flavours as discussed... A couple more text exchanged and I simply said "I'm coming down, see you soon." She said "you're forgetting who's in control here" "you need my permission to come into my house"... Then I text again saying "see you soon xXx". She text me back saying "I'm on my way home now xXx", and then had a great night.)

 

...I addressed this in the afternoon today and I said "You're progressively getting meaner and meaner to me xXx". "Why ain't you talking to me? xXx". "You micro controlled me yesterday while I was excited about my song and humming even though I was listening (to you). I should be pissed with with YOU, not the other way around. You have no excuse xXx". "And for the record, I'm not pissed off, I just want the micro controlling to cool down. It's wearing me out xXx".

 

The eventually text me "Sorry, I'm with my sister xXx"

 

She called me on her way home from her sisters and I was confident in the fact that she had moved on.. She did however say after I was trying to still get across that I was merely excited and enjoying myself and that she always knocks me when I'm down. I said that it's like whenever I get happy, you don't like it and you want me to be sad. She then said "I don't want to hear another word".

 

Makes me so upset because she's allowed to get her voice across and I HAVE to listen, but then when I wan't to say something, "NOT ANOTHER WORD" or "You're a " or "not a normal person" or "insert some other phrase here".

 

Later in the day over text, she finally addressed my micro controlling message with this; "And with this. You truly need to get a GRIP xXx". I responded with "You ended it in the car (phone call back from her sisters), so you need to get a grip shhhhhh xXx. She responded with; "You were rude as hell doing that when I was talking to you and I won't hear another word of it". "Don't push it Ells (my nickname)". "Make the right choice here."

 

I responded "Really, 'I won't hear another word of it...' Does that not sound micro controlling and rude... I'm not a dog xXx". She replied 'It will not end well".

 

In the end she told me to "flick off", which is clearly an autocorrect for another word. I said "Ok, I'll flick off" and finally she responded with "I'll speak to you tomorrow. Don't contact me before. I'm fuming right now because no one can be as clueless as you are and not even trying to understand sensibility. It's disgusting".

 

She called me at 2am asking if I called her home phone. I said no, I don't even have that number. Had a nice convo with her. Asked if she had a nice time at her sister this evening. All was well. Then this topic arose again... I still can't understand that anything that I did was wrong. Maybe I am wrong? I apologised all the same and I said I'm sorry that what I did hurt you. I even said to her that I didn't give her a hard time over her accusing me of nonsense and swearing at me about it, so why should she... I almost started crying down the phone because it's absolutely wearing me out and I want to know once and for all...

 

Am I in the wrong? Am I so bad and horrible and disgusting and a "" and and "arsehole" and "not normal" for me being super excited over my new song and humming it in the car while she was talking as I believed I was vibing with her?

 

I don't get what I've done so wrong. I let so much of what she does slip and I hardly ever give her a hard time.

 

I even questioned this evening "when was the last time you praised me". She replied "I praised you over the song"... I said "that's a song, thats not me... You never praise me, you always put me down". She swore at me several times. Didn't want to know that she hurts me.. Told me to research "is humming when someone is talking rude", despite the context in which I was humming... Then hung up the phone.

 

As a thing to look at, I googled that term and surprisingly, nothing came up.

 

Please help me with this. It's confusing and I'm at a loss.

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You gf is a real b*tch! She is emotionally abusive and you allow it! You have become a total doormat.

 

This will get worse-if that is possible-and I suggest that you end this nightmare of a relationship and find someone who loves and respects you. She does not.

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Is there a reason you choose to stay with someone you call selfish, rude, inconsiderate, all your words.

 

I’m not seeing this meek guy you’re trying to portray. You seem very much like you have a voice and opinion, and it’s not one of care and admiration of a girlfriend who’s mistreating you, again your words are sharp and they have some bite to them, can’t imagine you sit quietly and get berated.

 

Are you truly seeking help or are you venting.

 

You have a right to do either, but clarify your goal. As another poster pointed out this is your second post on the subject of arguing with your girlfriend, you seem to go back once the dust settles, again your prerogative.

 

What one says about their partner when they’re angry and frustrated isn’t always reality, and again plenty of barbs coming from you so I doubt your hands are clean.

 

This isn’t a healthy way of communicating, work together, improve, or break up, those are really the only solutions.

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I can't fathom why you tolerate any of this.

 

She sounds like she's looking for a way out of the relationship anyway, so I'd stay one step ahead and just end it. My guess is that your relationship is full of similar drama, which is no way to live.

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It sounds like you keep pushing each other's buttons. The communication pattern you describe sounds toxic and you are both contributing to it. Imo, you need to attend couple's therapy to figure out where it's all coming from and fix it or break up. Whatever you do, do not get married and DO NOT have children with her unless you have addressed and fixed this toxic communication pattern you have described. It takes two to tango. She sounds awful but then again you choose to stay on and humor her controlling behaviour and whims. You are a willing participant in all this malarkey. Why? I got emotionally exhausted by just reading your dialogues.

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How long have you been dating? Breakups happen in stages - and you may be headed that way unless you can turn this around - one of those stages is the person starting arguments for no apparent reason. For some reason, her love level is dropping. You may have taken her for granted in one of these areas: romance, affection, trust, or respect. I will say that it's romantic for women if you listen to them when they talk. Still, that's no excuse for her to act like a wild banshee. Start dating her like you did in the beginning.

 

There is another outside chance that this is just who she is, a negative or crazy person, and sometimes this comes out after dating for awhile, when you get to know them and their true colors come out.

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You two fight a lot.

 

Did she end up taking the job?

 

She didn't get the job. I do feel for her as she wants something soon, but on the same merit, I am relieved.

 

Are you truly seeking help or are you venting.

 

I'm actually trying to see if I'm going mad. We do totally know how to push each others buttons, but she picks the most stupid, tiniest little things to fly off the handle. I can't be bothered with the drama. I hate the drama... She has a habit of starting things and I always look like the bad guy for ending things heavy-handedly. In recent times however, I've learned to cool right down and I don't shout anymore, I don't rise to the occasion. If she needs space, hey presto she's got it.

 

I'm just trying to figure out if I'm going mad or that what she says about this specific situation has weight on her side. I did barely did anything to exasperate the situation for a rise. I've tried to address this so many times. Every-time she does something wrong, it's ok, but when I do something wrong, I'm the worst person in the world.

 

She actually knows about me posting this and on this occasion, it's as cut and dry as what I'm saying.

She made sure I sought advice online this time. As she said "if it comes back that your'e not mad, then we view life differently and need to split up". I'm like what?

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She didn't get the job. I do feel for her as she wants something soon, but on the same merit, I am relieved.

 

 

 

I'm actually trying to see if I'm going mad. We do totally know how to push each others buttons, but she picks the most stupid, tiniest little things to fly off the handle. I can't be bothered with the drama. I hate the drama... She has a habit of starting things and I always look like the bad guy for ending things heavy-handedly. In recent times however, I've learned to cool right down and I don't shout anymore, I don't rise to the occasion. If she needs space, hey presto she's got it.

 

I'm just trying to figure out if I'm going mad or that what she says about this specific situation has weight on her side. I did barely did anything to exasperate the situation for a rise. I've tried to address this so many times. Every-time she does something wrong, it's ok, but when I do something wrong, I'm the worst person in the world.

 

She actually knows about me posting this and on this occasion, it's as cut and dry as what I'm saying.

She made sure I sought advice online this time. As she said "if it comes back that your'e not mad, then we view life differently and need to split up". I'm like what?

 

 

I feel regardless of whose fault it is, it all boils to a toxic environment. You both are in this rut and no I personally don’t think you’re going mad. I think you have every right to be taken aback by her irrational behavior. The same token, you chose to stay and fan the flame by keeping the argument burning. Such as dwelling on any thing she does.

 

Just move on, because she won’t change and neither will you. She’s not a bad person, and you’re not a bad person but together you two are a bad fit.

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She started talking and I continued to beatbox. I was literally so involved with creative ideas that I couldn't physically stop humming my track. Then she starting shouting at me and calling me rude.

 

To continue doing that while she was trying to talk to you... yes, I'd find that quite rude too, but not to the degree that she did. Her reaction was way off, but it was symptomatic of far bigger problems that she's not actually told you.

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You were rude to be humming , beat boxing , whatever you want to call it while you were in your gfs company.

 

But it doesn’t matter. You need to be able to compartmentalise and prioritise.

Your gf was second in priority in that moment and she felt it.

 

You both lack communication skills and it seems respect for each other.

 

There is no blame on either of you, it boils down to compatibility, and it would appear that you aren’t compatible.

 

No , you are not seeing sense but neither is she. That’s because emotion masks logic when two people are incompatible.

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You’re missing the point as to why I was humming. It was in context to our situation and I believed she was in the moment with me as she was giving me critique on the song. I was humming before she starting talking and while I was in the moment; I lacked the ability to stop as I was so elated. Stick it into that context rather than me humming without reason or out of a situational context, then I still don’t think I’m in the wrong. I was totally in the moment.

 

The putting me down when I’m happy had been going on for a while now and every time I address it with her, she shuts me down as if she never does anything wrong. The blame is always on me whether it’s my fault or not.

 

She takes zero responsibility for anything and I take the brunt of all things bad. This is why I’m fed up. This isn’t isolated.

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I believed she was in the moment with me as she was giving me critique on the song.

 

I lacked the ability to stop as I was so elated.

 

She takes zero responsibility for anything and I take the brunt of all things bad. This is why I’m fed up. This isn’t isolated.

 

She was critiquing , that was not a sign that she was in the “moment” with you , in fact the opposite.

 

You didn’t lack the ability to stop. Elation is not a reason but an excuse. You simply didn’t want to stop regardless.

 

She takes zero responsibility yet neither do you. This is why I suggest incompatibility. I’m not suggesting she is right and you are wrong.

 

But at the end of the day , it is YOU that’s fed up. She might be too!? It kinda sounds like she is.

 

So what do you want to happen from here on?

 

Your options are to accept the situation as it is or not.

As I said this is not a who is to blame scenario?!

 

If she is not someone you see a future with as she is ,then ...well, it’s up to you to decide your next move, not for us to advise.

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You could too stop. To say you "physically couldn't stop" is just not true.

 

But, you two are a toxic blend. You sound like you don't even like one another. You sound like both of you enjoy proving the other "wrong". Not the basis for a successful marriage, IMO.

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She was critiquing , that was not a sign that she was in the “moment” with you , in fact the opposite.

 

You didn’t lack the ability to stop. Elation is not a reason but an excuse. You simply didn’t want to stop regardless.

 

She takes zero responsibility yet neither do you. This is why I suggest incompatibility. I’m not suggesting she is right and you are wrong.

 

But at the end of the day , it is YOU that’s fed up. She might be too!? It kinda sounds like she is.

 

So what do you want to happen from here on?

 

Your options are to accept the situation as it is or not.

As I said this is not a who is to blame scenario?!

 

If she is not someone you see a future with as she is ,then ...well, it’s up to you to decide your next move, not for us to advise.

 

Bingo.

 

And why I asked are you actually seeking advice or simply venting.

 

You clearly don’t seem to want to take any ownership while complaining that she doesn’t, so really you’re two peas in a pod, unfortunately two people who refuse to take personal responsibility leads to drama and fights, but to go even further any individual who refuses to acknowledge their actions will have a hard time.

 

Ignoring her reaction to you for a moment, your defending continuing to beatbox as she is talking to you is incredibly telling.

 

The general consensus is it’s rude to do.

 

Doesn’t matter your reasons, it was rude.

 

Again ignoring her reaction which wasn’t right either, what would you feelings have been with another individual telling you the same.

 

My personal reaction would be to look at you and say, ‘dude seriously, can you stop, I’m talking’

 

Be honest : what would your reaction be?

 

Would you tell me I was attempting to steal your joy?

 

Again serious question.

 

You are so busy placing blame on one another that neither of you seem to have any self reflection and honestly I think that’s why your relationship works, the toxicity keeps y’all going, so again I ask, are you actually asking for advice or venting because either is ok and your prerogative but one means you accept the relationship ship is toxic and walk away and the other is you getting your ego stroked before you go back for more.

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My reaction if she did it to me? Nothing... she would be in the moment and I knew she would be listening to me anyway and would give me an answer.... I don’t react to petty situations like this. I find it very endearing seeing someone enjoy themselves.

 

Fact is, I was humming before she was talking so technically she disturbed me lol.. Is that not rude? Don’t answer, stupid question.

 

Still can’t see what I did as being rude but it is clear to me that some would. I completely read the situation wrong but I don’t believe for a second I did wrong. I was in the moment that I thought she was sharing with me. I didn’t deserved to be called an a-hole and a d””k over it.

 

What I really really want to know how to fix “us”. I don’t know where to start and it’s hurting me to the bones. Every time I go to speak to her, nothing is progressive, it’s always regressive. She won’t communicate in a way that is needed.

 

It made me feel so bad the events over the last couple of days, I just want this nightmare to end and learn to get along with each other.

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She called me and asked why I picked up the phone. She started laughing at my answer so I just hung up. I text her “good night xXx” and she replied “I will 100% not be making contact until you’ve got a grip“

 

Edit

She called again just now and saw my post and said “I’m going to comment on everything and really open up about you”.

 

Fine. Go for it.

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You two are more concerned about winning than compromise.

 

Of course you care!

 

You just finished telling us how distressed all this is making you.

 

If you both don’t learn to communicate like adults a marriage will not work.

 

Nothing short of couples therapy will work in my opinion.

 

One of you needs to wave the white flag

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I don’t get why you want this to work out so badly. The two of you are toxic for eachother. Good relationships are when two people bring out the best eachother. Clearly not the case for you guys.

 

I wouldn’t like it if I was talking to my bf and he was humming/beatboxing. However, I would NOT fly off the handle over it the way she did, I’d simply ask you to stop.

 

It’s good she’s reading this thread because she needs an outsider’s perspective on how toxic and awful her attitude and her behavior is. She needs a true reality check, maybe even behavioral therapy; her reactions do NOT sound normal. She seems emotionally unstable and abusive, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she had a serious personality disorder. It’s also very clear that she has extremely little respect for you and likes being in total "control" of you. Btw, in more than three years of being in a relationship with my boyfriend, I have not once called him any names- not sure why you think this is normal or why you should be putting up with this.

 

She needs to get some help and you need to get away from her. I’d feel bad for you but in all honesty, at this point you’re partly to blame because you’re enabling her behavior and continuously letting her get away with her crap. Rather than standing up for yourself, you just end up apologizing and giving in to her (which may factor into why she doesn’t respect you). And jesus christ, do NOT engaged or married... You guys are an awful match (sorry to be so blunt about it). I guarantee you, you’ll both be absolutely miserable being married to eachother. Move on and take it as a lesson learned in regards to what you dont want in a relationship.

 

The longer you waste your time on this person, the longer you keep the door shut to a girl who’ll value you, has a kind heart and treat you with actual respect.

Edited by Bunney
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You have heard the saying you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole , right?

 

You can’t fix that and you can’t fix “us”

 

Yes it was rude to continue humming when she was trying to have a conversation with you.

 

Yes her reaction when you didn’t stop was over the top.

 

Likewise your reaction to her simply trying to talk to you during your humming was over the top by you thinking she was getting in the way of your “creativity”

 

But the worst part imo is that you won’t even acknowledge that you were rude.

 

You seem to think you are more important than her and she is frustrated at that.

 

I’m glad she is reading this post because she also needs to get a grip.

She needs to figure out what she is getting out of this relationship and if not much then to end it rather than hurling names at you. And trying to make you into someone you are not .

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What post did she see? Do you chronicle your conflicted relationship with her on social media? You both seem to enjoy this toxic sparring, so in that sense it may be a good fit. Some love/hate relationships like yours need this drama to keep the passion alive.

She called me and asked why I picked up the phone. She started laughing at my answer so I just hung up. I text her “good night xXx” and she replied “I will 100% not be making contact until you’ve got a grip“ She called again just now and saw my post and said “I’m going to comment on everything and really open up about you”.
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