Jump to content

issues regarding relocation with boyfriend


lolo747
 Share

Recommended Posts

Some guys pay for everything and I wouldn't expect that, but for him to be so petty and pedantic considering you're moving for him and will need to find a job fit is really petty. You are capable of finding someone more giving, and less rigid. My parents expect me to be independent, but they also think how a guy treats money is very indicative of how he will treat u. Stingy people are stingy with their emotions too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 56
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

There is a scene in the old movie (old to you) Joy Luck Club where the husband wants the wife to pay for half the food (or something like that) and she points out that she doesn't want to pay for his expensive tastes (I think one example was premium ice cream) and of course he is stingy in other ways too - I was in my 20s when I saw that awesome movie and that scene always stuck out for me -how cold he was/distant, how expensive/successful he was, etc. She divorces him and meets a really laid back guy from a different background (it's a movie focusing on an Asian family and one of the plot lines has to do with interracial relationships). That scene is actually worth watching IMO -I wish you could show it to your boyfriend too but what's the point....

 

I'm married and it never occurred to us to split anything 50/50 - we didn't live together before marriage, we had a baby shortly after getting married and I was the full time parent so over the years we've figured out what makes sense for me to contribute as far as income (including when I went back to work) and for him to contribute. I actually do buy a lot of my own food that he doesn't eat (just different tastes/diets somewhat) and vice versa but it all comes out of our joint account and no one keeps track or comments. It's not about gender so much at all - it's more pragmatic. Also not about what's "fair" when it comes to finances. I think couples should discuss this in advance AND have the sort of relationship to keep discussing when the inevitable changes come up -sudden expenses/job change, etc.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's true, people like this are a nightmare to get involved in. Everything is on their terms. He will make your life hell weather you contribute 50% or 100%. People like this are never happy. Their huge egos need constant inflating. It's an empty existence.

 

That may be why all the other women ran away after 6 mos. They started seeing what an cheap pompous ass he is. Maybe they had to listen to his tirades and pontificating if they ate one of "his" cookies. You can not please individuals like this. It's not a coincidence that he can't sustain a relationship and his absurd demands.

 

Do not be bulldozed by his unreasonable demands, if you appease one, he'll just find another. Focus entirely on getting away from this selfish egotistical misanthrope. Just say, yes whatever etc and put all your effort into getting away from him.

Wiseman 2 Your comment made me laugh as he told me when he agreed to pay food that I will have to not eat more than half of the food that he is paying for. I did not say anything as he eats more than I do anyway but I thought it was weird.

 

He has never had any relationship longer than 6-9 months.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

He likes to remind me how a good man he is, etc...He likes to hear he makes the best coffee, the best cooking, the best everything. At first, it was cute but now it is a bit tiring to hear. I do not know if he is looking for appreciation all the time. Is my coffee the best? is my food the best or what...

 

Goodness.

 

Him telling you to "figure it out" for a ride. What a jerk. I can see wanting you to figure out public transportation because he won't always be available during the times he works but if he is around and you moved all the way out there, why can't he give you a ride?

 

Honestly, if you can't get to interviews and the job bank, how can you find work to pay your share?

 

He sounds like a piece of work. I would look into your old employer to see if you can have your old job back

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wiseman 2 Your comment made me laugh as he told me when he agreed to pay food that I will have to not eat more than half of the food that he is paying for. I did not say anything as he eats more than I do anyway but I thought it was weird.

 

He is not divorced but as a man in his thirties (34) he said I was his longer relationship. He has never had any relationship longer than 6-9 months. He likes to remind me how a good man he is, etc...He likes to hear he makes the best coffee, the best cooking, the best everything. At first, it was cute but now it is a bit tiring to hear. I do not know if he is looking for appreciation all the time. Is my coffee the best? is my food the best or what...

 

I still care about him but the whole moving situation opened my eye on his actions on hard time. Before that I have never noticed anything as we were contributed everything equally.

 

I also sold my little car back in BC, I am not complaining about it, but I asked him once to give me a ride to town. He did but told me that I would have to figure it out and start paying the public transport to get around. I do not think i was asking too much but for him he did not want to become an habit I guess.

 

When I accepted to pay the food 50/50, i did tell him that in this situation I will also want to buy what I want and probably my own little things according to my budget. He did not appreciate this as he buys lots of meat which is quite expensive and he buys things that I do not necessarily enjoy eating. He likes wings chicken parts, I like the breast part as an example but even knowing it he will buy it because he is paying. He probably thought by sharing food expenses he will be able to buy what he wants and I will just give him half of the money without saying anything. I am not ok with that.

 

He is the type of man that thinks that a relationship should be purely 50/50. I think he is in for a lot of trouble down the road with such a view. While I think everybody should contribute in the best way they can in the relationship, I would be afraid of staying with a guy like this in the long term. Let say his long term partner is getting sick or is having kids, he will not tolerate having to pay for whole the expenses while his partner cannot contribute. Scary!

 

Luckily you've discovered this now. I'd re-evaluate your plans and move back to BC for the SFU program. Don't stay stuck in Ontario working odd jobs or give up your dream for a program you originally wanted to do. Don't do this. You'll look back at your life and wonder where your 20s and 30s went. Start it right now, do it right. You didn't come all the way from Europe, get your PR, to stay stuck with a man you can barely tolerate.

 

I'd start creating an exit plan right now and make your way back to BC asap, living here is not cheap with the cost of living but I'd try hard to find a place and carve out some savings and recoup what you've lost. Stay close to transit in Vancouver/Lower Mainland and take the train. Don't rely on anyone else and don't be afraid to start over. You're grasping at straws in Ontario. Your program is only two years (four semesters) long.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

All the men, friends, friends of the family, relatives, immediate relatives, pay for everything for their ladies - - - I am not trying to create an equality war here - - - it's just how it's been around me growing up. And they never expect anything back. I think in the long run, you will never be happy with someone so stingy. Reminds me of The Joy Luck Club where the couple, the hubs make way more than her, but he expects 50/50 after an idea she pitched, but never really became equal partners even with marriage. Watch it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

All the men, friends, friends of the family, relatives, immediate relatives, pay for everything for their ladies - - - I am not trying to create an equality war here - - - it's just how it's been around me growing up. And they never expect anything back. I think in the long run, you will never be happy with someone so stingy. Reminds me of The Joy Luck Club where the couple, the hubs make way more than her, but he expects 50/50 after an idea she pitched, but never really became equal partners even with marriage. Watch it.

 

I mentioned the same movie and same couple, I think on this thread!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I saw another face of him yesterday. I was supposed to leave early to take the bus to meet someone downtown for work. I made a mistake with the bus schedule and missed actually the bus that was supposed to bring me to town.

Anyway, it was 8 am and asked him if he could give me a ride. His answer was take the next one. I told him that I was supposed to have this job interview at 9 and if he could give me a ride as the next bus was schedule too late to arrive on time at my interview.

He told me that was poorly plan which I have to admit that I got confused with the different buses to take and their schedule. He ended up giving me a ride letting me know it was the last one and also how he wanted to have his routine ready when he will be on shift. Be in bed at 9pm and no noise in the house, the day where he was off he wanted me to get my lunch and other things ready the day before like this i do not make any noise getting things ready in the morning. I am trying to be as careful as I can but unfortunately there is always a bit of noise when I make my coffee, etc...

 

We went to buy groceries and I asked him if I could get an avocado. When he saw the price 1$51 for one at the till he told me enjoy your last avocado, or at least that I pay for. Never putting yourself in a dependent situation especially with a guy like this. Lesson learned.

I had another job interview in the afternoon of that same day. After I came back from the morning, he never offered me to drop me off to the other interview.

 

Anyway, I am going to prepare my way out. I will either find a job here temporarily, live on my own, or stay for a couple of months in France with my parents until I start my university program. I did apply to SFU, VIU and also Sudbury university education program to enhance my chance to get into the teaching program in the fall 2020.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Please run from this creep. Stop doing any household things. Do not sleep with this jerk. He is a cheap buzzard 👎🦃

 

He is treating you worse than a dog🐕. Take the bus when you're late? 🚌 No more avocados for you!🥑 He is a misanthrope. 👺

 

Other women ran like the wind after a few months, now you know why.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He's a bit rough and smallminded but your expectations for him to drive you to your interviews or give you a lift are a little uncalled for. I think he may be getting a bit annoyed with you overall. This is coming out in his comments towards you which are, of course, rude. It's passive aggressive. He's fed up with you but instead of perhaps speaking about it more constructively or being open to having a conversation about your expectations together as a couple, he's being a bit of a dictator and being rude.

 

I think you already have one foot out the door if you're sensing like your feelings are waning fast (pay attention to your feelings/emotions). If you really do see any merits in this relationship, you'd have checked yourself and been a bit more fair in your expectations. My thought is that both of you are not invested in this relationship and don't see a future in each other (it's mutual).

 

Good for you for applying to multiple universities for a teaching program.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Asking for a ride is a reason to become a monster? Yes he's "getting annoyed" that she has to eat, find a job and basically try to live. In the western world, women don't walk miles to work while the man sits around the house with his car in the driveway.

your expectations for him to drive you to your interviews or give you a lift are a little uncalled for. I think he may be getting a bit annoyed with you overall.
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with Wiseman - she is looking for a job because she relocated with him. I relocated for my husband's job. So I didn't feel like I was imposing when I asked him to help me with forms/paperwork I needed in connection with looking for work in our new city. And he was fine with it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OP you are insane to come here to BC. This is the most expensive place to live in the world. Gas is $1.65 a Ltr, a small apartment is $2500+ a month if you CAN FIND one to rent. People here are living on the streets and if they are lucky, in their 1978 RV. We have a drug crisis, transportation crisis, and a homing/rental crisis. Oh and getting a job? You won't find one that pays over 14 bucks because our min wage is only $13.85. Go back home or move to Quebec. It's French, it's cheap, but the only bad thing is the winters...they suck ballz. Their education is subsidized by the western provinces so tuition will be affordable, you will do better going there. They treat French speaking new comers like gold. You will definitely find opportunity in Quebec.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There are many European/south asian taught doctors that are driving cab (as an example). Op has only been living in Canada for two years and plans to go to University. IMO She jumped the gun by moving to be with him when she did when she had no job to go to when she got there or much knowledge about the availability of the type of job she wants before she relocated.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The minimum wage in Quebec is only $12.50... Just sayin. :D

 

... but yes, the cost of living is lower and those that are bilingual have a better chance at a job anywhere in Eastern/Central Canada. (as long as you have a permit to work here, I'd gather)

 

But if she had to get a minimum wage serving job (which is quite a decent entry level wage i must say) so that she could have the autonomy of being able to get a taxi/uber ride when she needed one to get to interviews for better jobs -- if there were something in walking distance, etc, so be it. She might meet a couple young ladies she could rent with to get away from him. If he refuses to drive her and she wants to protect the little savings she has from selling her car, I would jump at the first place that would hire me even if i gave my notice in a couple months because i found a much better job. Or interview with places where she used to live and buy a plane ticket when she got past the initial phone interviews

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Here some news.

 

 

 

When I mentioned to him I will move back to Europe, he did not take it very well; he said he thought by doing this move we were committed to each other.

 

He was off for four days during the week and was telling me I should stay home because he wanted to sleep in. We had to move to the official new place where there is no internet for a short while. I was up every morning at 6 to take my bus at 7.25 and go downtown to work on my resume, use internet connection and applied for jobs here and there. I also went to a place where they give mock interview which helped me gain confidence doing it in English. He was not happy because I did not help him with stuff like looking for new furniture, setting up internet and other stuff. He said it is stuff we are supposed to do together.

 

Anyway, he thought I was too noisy for him in the morning and he asked me to not make coffee anymore because he wanted to sleep in.

He said i had no respect for him. I replied what is the difference when you wake up for work and make coffee. He said i have to go to work; you do not have to get up so early to go to work and what you are doing is quite ineffective as you have not found any work yet. You should stay in bed and sleep in.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You should contact any and all friends and family you have, describe what a jerk he is, admit your mistake moving with him and ask them to help you leave this situation. It will only get exponentially worse. Bickering about finding jobs, coffee and playing victim won't help you live your life.

When I mentioned to him I will move back to Europe.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share


×
×
  • Create New...