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issues regarding relocation with boyfriend


lolo747
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Hi everyone,

 

 

My boyfriend got a great job on the other side of the country and I accepted to follow him. We have been together for two years. I had to quit my job and I am currently unemployed. Before leaving he told me he will pay for rent and food until I can find a job. He gave me a two month time frame to find one. The issue we are currently facing is he wants me to pay half of the food even if I still did not find a job. He said it is fair as I eat half of the food, actually not really but whatever.

I tried to explain that it was unfair to me and that it was not the initial plan. He started telling me that it is what everybody has to do pay for their food. I agree with that but in our case I feel like it is a bit different as I am in this situation because I decided to follow him for his job opportunity, not because I am lazy and not willing to work.

He mentioned that I should use my savings for education the time I find work to pay for food. He also added that a boyfriend should not pay for a girlfriend financially, that he was not in a stage of his life where he was willing to "subsidize" me. But he wants to be there for me emotionally. He also added that he thought my behavior was coming from entitlement and that I was a spoiled child. I was flabbergasted as I do not think it has anything to do with entitlement in our case.

I would like to point out that I have always paid for my own things and never asked him any money. He wanted to do 50/50 at first on everything but I had to battle to get a 40/60 when we were both working even if the income percentage was not accurate. It was more like 30/70 but he said that the best it was willing to do. I am actually quite surprised he was willing to pay the full amount of rent until I find work but it was my condition to move.

He offered me when I am a student to pay 70/30 for all expenses as I plan on doing my master next year.

 

Do you think I am being entitled and unreasonable in this case? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks

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Sorry to hear this. Move back home. It would have been better to stay home and not follow someone like this. However enlist the help of friends and family to get you back home. Even if you find work this nitpicking about money will continue and erode your relationship. Do not stick around and help out with him settling in while he treats you like a freeloader. Call anyone back home and get out of there.

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I agree with everyone else. Move back home, get a job, save your money, get back on your feet and then move out and enjoy your independence.

 

From now on, remember this: "Love don't pay the rent." Whenever relationships are about money, "love" gets pitched out the window. Now it's down to survival and people show their true colors to you which is a sobering reality check. This is for all relationships whether partners, friends, family, in-laws, you name it.

 

He's not emotionally there for you. He's full of hot air. He doesn't care if you starve nor have a roof over your head. That right there is proof that he does NOT care for you emotionally. He's full of it. (In my mind, I'd tell him to take a long walk on a short pier.)

 

Never follow a man's life. Have your own life, job and financial security. Never take bad gambles. Never give up your job in order for a man to follow his dreams and opportunities. Never move on account of him. Be rational. Remain practical. Never quit your job until you've secured your next one! Use common sense.

 

Focus on your education and career. Don't let your boyfriend mess up your life. You need to dump him.

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Hi everyone,

 

 

My boyfriend got a great job on the other side of the country and I accepted to follow him. We have been together for two years. I had to quit my job and I am currently unemployed. Before leaving he told me he will pay for rent and food until I can find a job. He gave me a two month time frame to find one. The issue we are currently facing is he wants me to pay half of the food even if I still did not find a job. He said it is fair as I eat half of the food, actually not really but whatever.

I tried to explain that it was unfair to me and that it was not the initial plan. He started telling me that it is what everybody has to do pay for their food. I agree with that but in our case I feel like it is a bit different as I am in this situation because I decided to follow him for his job opportunity, not because I am lazy and not willing to work.

He mentioned that I should use my savings for education the time I find work to pay for food. He also added that a boyfriend should not pay for a girlfriend financially, that he was not in a stage of his life where he was willing to "subsidize" me. But he wants to be there for me emotionally. He also added that he thought my behavior was coming from entitlement and that I was a spoiled child. I was flabbergasted as I do not think it has anything to do with entitlement in our case.

I would like to point out that I have always paid for my own things and never asked him any money. He wanted to do 50/50 at first on everything but I had to battle to get a 40/60 when we were both working even if the income percentage was not accurate. It was more like 30/70 but he said that the best it was willing to do. I am actually quite surprised he was willing to pay the full amount of rent until I find work but it was my condition to move.

He offered me when I am a student to pay 70/30 for all expenses as I plan on doing my master next year.

 

Do you think I am being entitled and unreasonable in this case? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks

So did he go back on his agreement, or did that two months expire and indeed he now expects you to provide some form of financial contribution? Because honestly, if he's still paying rent, utilities, and whatever else, and just wants you to chip in for food despite you having had two months to get a job, that's pretty generous. Especially if you're all-the-while sitting on savings as he does indeed subsidize you.

 

You can pat yourself on the back as much as you'd like for being the sacrificial lamb, but I'm sure, "You go ahead, and I'll work here while I apply and visit to interview until I find a job" are words contained within your vernacular. What you did isn't some big sacrifice. It's dropping your own personal responsibilities to ride the coat tails of someone else's life. I don't care if you call it lazy, diffident, lacking direction, whatever.

 

And being frank, I don't know how a self-respecting adult could sit there and buck against the idea of pitching in for food, two months expired or not.

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Pardon - would you please clarify again? I don't see what the issue is. He's not asking you to pay any rent, just food? What are your food expenses? Neither of you should be eating out. There are great ways to eat and make nutritious meals without being exorbitant about it.

 

It sounds like he has more of an issue with your argument or resistance. Be more careful about how you argue together and ask him if he's feeling tight. You both may not be making use of your existing funds as well as you could be.

 

If you sense that he's drifting or isn't as into this relationship, finding fault with you in other ways or becoming distant and unwilling to communicate with you, this is a different issue altogether. If you're both committed to the relationship and the issue is regarding budgeting and money, see if you both can be a bit more reasonable with your expenses.

 

Another thought: He may sincerely be getting frustrated with your job search also. If you find yourself struggling, speak with a career counsellor and start visiting job or temping agencies even if it's to get your foot in the door. Go to free events and start networking. Work part time even if it's to tide you over or to get you started.

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He's not a jerk, you are not a jerk, the problem is, you both didn't discuss a proper plan, like who pays for what/how much, for how long, what if one losses their job or can't find one or is unable to work, what would have been your plan B? C? or D? You both were naive going into this, and that is why there is resentment, etc. He's worried he's being taken advantage of, and you simply found yourself in a bad situation you can't get out of. No one actually sat down and figured out the numbers. I think he got scared,and started to renege on what he told you.

Lets be adult here. This is about your future, and it's your responsibility, and you have to have accountability in how you deal with it. Your BF no longer wants the financial responsibility...fine, you need to get off your butt and figure out how you are going to do this on your own. I say go back home, live with your parents, or a relative/friend, get your old job back or a new one, and go to night school. Your BF? meh, that is up to you whether you want to keep this going or not.

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Hi Everyone,

 

The two months haven t expired yet as we have just moved here last week. As far as my job search, I have been looking for it from day one, even before moving. My first language is also not English but French. I do not consider this as being necessarily an obstacle to finding a job but I have to admit that it makes it harder for me during job interview as we live in anglophone province. This is obviously not the main problem of this thread, but my boyfriend coming back on our arrangement.

 

Before moving, we agreed that if I was leaving my job, he will pay for rent and other expenses (food, other bills...) until I find a job. He did mention that he was willing to do this only for a limited time, no more than two months.

 

My plan is to be a teacher and that is why I have been working to save as much as I could before going to university to avoid having too much debt. I was planning on starting next September. I am no sitting on a tons of savings either while my boyfriend is working and paying for everything to reply to somebody else's comment above. I have been paying for all my expenses until now. He just started to pay for everything recently.

 

 

We also are very frugal people. We do not spend money in an extravagant way.

 

I do agree that we should have talked about all the different possible scenarios before moving and talked about our expectations more in depth. It is hard for me to go back home as I am from Europe and all my family is there. I have been living in Canada for a little bit than two years. My boyfriend is not Canadian either but from Australia and got an amazing pilot job. Before leaving he told me that I should see this as a good opportunity for us down the road and follow him. In retrospect, I think I have been pretty naive to listen that.

I have to admit that some comments above are pretty right. I should not have followed a man and finished what my university first, getting independent first.

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I would to add that we are both alone in this country and that I do not want to have a free ride on somebody else's back. Before moving I looked at different universities to see if they were offering my post bac education program. Once I found out they did, I said to him that I was willing to relocate with him but on the condition that he will pay for the expenses the time I find a job. He agreed and gave me a two months time frame. I thought it was fair. Now i am not trying to wait for two months to go by as I like earning my own money. The plan of this moving was for me to not use my education savings and I have been clear with him before but now he has changed his mind on food.

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I agree with that but in our case I feel like it is a bit different as I am in this situation because I decided to follow him for his job opportunity, not because I am lazy and not willing to work.
Let this situation be a lesson to all woman/men who "decide" to follow a boyfriend (not husband) to another place to, at the very least, get work and/or the promise of work before they move in and have expectations of being taken care of until they do find that job.

 

He has told you what HE now expects so if you don't like it, if his demeanor causes you to call him unfair, or any other negative then I vehemently suggest you leave him now before he springs yet another side of him that you don't like. You may have to use some of that education money for first and last months rent if you don't move back and go to school where you first intended to before HE moved for work.

 

Do you have a working Visa to work in Canada? If you don't, then of course that would be a good reason why you aren't getting work. Bilingual workers are a plus here in Canada where we have TWO official languages of both French and English. What kind of work are you looking for?

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Hi Everyone,

 

The two months haven t expired yet as we have just moved here last week. As far as my job search, I have been looking for it from day one, even before moving. My first language is also not English but French. I do not consider this as being necessarily an obstacle to finding a job but I have to admit that it makes it harder for me during job interview as we live in anglophone province. This is obviously not the main problem of this thread, but my boyfriend coming back on our arrangement.

 

Before moving, we agreed that if I was leaving my job, he will pay for rent and other expenses (food, other bills...) until I find a job. He did mention that he was willing to do this only for a limited time, no more than two months.

 

My plan is to be a teacher and that is why I have been working to save as much as I could before going to university to avoid having too much debt. I was planning on starting next September. I am no sitting on a tons of savings either while my boyfriend is working and paying for everything to reply to somebody else's comment above. I have been paying for all my expenses until now. He just started to pay for everything recently.

 

 

We also are very frugal people. We do not spend money in an extravagant way.

 

I do agree that we should have talked about all the different possible scenarios before moving and talked about our expectations more in depth. It is hard for me to go back home as I am from Europe and all my family is there. I have been living in Canada for a little bit than two years. My boyfriend is not Canadian either but from Australia and got an amazing pilot job. Before leaving he told me that I should see this as a good opportunity for us down the road and follow him. In retrospect, I think I have been pretty naive to listen that.

I have to admit that some comments above are pretty right. I should not have followed a man and finished what my university first, getting independent first.

 

I would to add that we are both alone in this country and that I do not want to have a free ride on somebody else's back. Before moving I looked at different universities to see if they were offering my post bac education program. Once I found out they did, I said to him that I was willing to relocate with him but on the condition that he will pay for the expenses the time I find a job. He agreed and gave me a two months time frame. I thought it was fair. Now i am not trying to wait for two months to go by as I like earning my own money. The plan of this moving was for me to not use my education savings and I have been clear with him before but now he has changed his mind on food.

 

I think it's time to decide whether you're ok with the change in agreement in order to continue staying in Canada and living together (continuing the relationship) with your boyfriend. You seem more insulted than anything that he could go back on his word or change the agreement. Generally when people do things like this it's not a matter of speaking about things beforehand or for lack of planning. You had a clear agreement of two months but the two months isn't over and he's going back on his word. This seems like more a matter of issues in trust and lack of trust in the relationship. Do you have any other issues between him and you that might cause him to renegade or lose trust in the relationship?

 

You've been here a couple of weeks in this Anglophone Canadian province only (together with him), you're originally from Europe and he's originally from OZ. You're looking at a post-bac education program about 11-12 months from now in 2020 (Fall). You technically have another 6 weeks with him to find job to pay for food. In the remainder of the time until the Fall 2020 semester, you're sitting pretty living together sharing expenses like rent and food. This is not a bad deal and it gives you room to explore your province, a new place, and work and save money.

 

My advice to you is to cool your jets and pay for the food. Let go of this small gripe about him going back on your agreement because, to be honest, it's not that big of a deal. If you feel however that he's a bit slimy and you're finding parts about his character that are not what you initially thought might be at the start or there are things about him that are proving increasingly difficult in accepting, move out. I would not advise going back to Europe if you're set on the education program in Canada. Are you looking at Simon Fraser University in BC, by any chance? It's a very good program from what I hear.

 

For the moment, find something you can subsist on reliably, put aside these small gripes and start thinking smart. Put the cash in your account and pay what you need to pay to survive on, regardless of any previous agreements. If things get hostile or unworkable, be ready to support yourself and stay in Canada for the program. Don't forget to apply for grants and scholarships.

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I don't think you come across as a highly entitled person.

I think you made a mistake in moving when you could not afford it without dipping into education savings or relying on him to cover you. It throws of the balance, leaves you vulnerable, and now you are facing not only the uncertainty of the situation for you but also uncertainty in the relationship.

 

So now what? I wouldn't bother arguing with him about what is fair or not. Situation is, we are all ultimately responsible for ourselves. So now you work the problem for yourself, and Rose gave some good suggestions on that.

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Op:

Do you have a permit to study in Canada?

Do you have a permit to work in Canada?

You have lived here for two years after moving from Europe. What kind of work were you doing for the last two years and where did you live before moving to be with your current boyfriend. Has he been your b/f since you moved here?

 

http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/helpcentre/answer.asp?qnum=495&top=15

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sorry. i would have followed by staying put until you found a job in the new area. It is easier to find a job when you have a job. I know that makes no sense, perhaps, but its mostly true. It may take a month or 6 months. You can't put the horse back in the barn , of course. Are you showing up at the unemployment office/job bank 4-5 mornings per week? If you are not doing that in conjunction from attending networking groups in your field, etc, you are not showing him that you are seriously looking. Yes, moving back home is an option until you find something

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I am a PR, so I do not think I will have difficulty to get a job. The whole issue here was that he came back on his promise. I am not in the street or anything. We had a talk tonight and he told me that he will help me out after all but then after that 50/50 which I am ok with. He added that he wanted me to be independent as soon as possible as he will never take care of me financially which makes me even more motivated to get a job to avoid owing him anything. Outside of that, our relationship is good. We do not have trust issue or anything else. He treats me well but I think money will be an issue for down the road though. This is a good eye opener. My main priority is to get back on my feet pretty quick and if the relationship works fine otherwise it was not meant to be.

 

I was planning on studying with SFU for their French program. I was a French monitor of language in school. We met very soon after I arrived in Canada. We have been together for a little bit over two years.

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By reading all the posts here, I can totally see with hindsight how bad my decision was. I mean we all are responsible of ourselves and nobody forces me to move to the new places, so I have of course responsible of the situation I put myself in. I have just been naive maybe.

 

For my defense, I did mention back in BC the possibility of me moving there after he got settled down but he did not like this idea as we were too far from each other. BC-Ontario. He knew my situation and asked me to follow him mentioning it would be a great opportunity for us down the road as at first I was not very excited about the whole moving process.

I can see that Ontario has a lot of more bilingual opportunities from my search, on top of that with government agencies such as CRA to which I have already applied but could also be a long process. I am open to work anywhere else stores as a cashier, coffee shops, restaurants,etc... I am not difficult and I had already applied to everything I could.

 

I also went to the university to get information about my program. I have not been lazy doing nothing. I have been putting myself out there, used the public transport which is very good in the town where we are to get from A to B.

 

I clearly agree that no one should rely on a BF or GF to live except in situation like this where I mean the situation has been talked about and everything was clear that I was moving without a job there, so that he will have to pay for the both of us for a limited time.

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Is he divorced? He sounds quite bitter. Do not stay with this man. He's not acting like a partner, he's acting like an employer or dictator. He does not have the spirit of love or partnership or togetherness, he has the spirit of stinginess and selfishness.

 

Why did he suggest you go with him? Surely purely for his benefit. He sounds like a penny-pinching, nitpicking difficult person to be around. Get on your feet but not for him, for yourself so you can get away from him.

 

Even when you start contributing 50/50 he is the type who will continue to haggle over who used more milk, who turned up the heat, how long are your showers etc. He sounds insufferable and petty.

He added that he wanted me to be independent as soon as possible as he will never take care of me financially. I think money will be an issue for down the road though.
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When i meant "go home" - i meant - back to where you were living for the past 2 years. maybe your old employer will take you back or you can network.

 

For my defense, I did mention back in BC the possibility of me moving there after he got settled down but he did not like this idea as we were too far from each other.

 

This is something you stand your ground on. Its nice that he doesn't like it, but that's just tough. People don't like a lot of things. If he doesn't like it, he can stay in Ontario or he can be patient when you find a job.

 

And you say not having English as a first language is not a barrier. It may not be, but if you have a VISA that has restrictions to it, it is. If your dream is to be a teacher, i would have found a place with a couple female roommates and lived as inexpensively as possible and saved every dime because during school you need money to live on.

 

I also think you should take any job you can find - even if its waiting tables, to start pulling your weight so he isn't paying 100% of everything.

Instead of paying 50-50, agree to be responsible for a certain bill or be the one to buy groceries and go grocery shopping. if he wants anything special or extra above and beyond, he needs to get it

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Wiseman 2 Your comment made me laugh as he told me when he agreed to pay food that I will have to not eat more than half of the food that he is paying for. I did not say anything as he eats more than I do anyway but I thought it was weird.

 

He is not divorced but as a man in his thirties (34) he said I was his longer relationship. He has never had any relationship longer than 6-9 months. He likes to remind me how a good man he is, etc...He likes to hear he makes the best coffee, the best cooking, the best everything. At first, it was cute but now it is a bit tiring to hear. I do not know if he is looking for appreciation all the time. Is my coffee the best? is my food the best or what...

 

I still care about him but the whole moving situation opened my eye on his actions on hard time. Before that I have never noticed anything as we were contributed everything equally.

 

I also sold my little car back in BC, I am not complaining about it, but I asked him once to give me a ride to town. He did but told me that I would have to figure it out and start paying the public transport to get around. I do not think i was asking too much but for him he did not want to become an habit I guess.

 

When I accepted to pay the food 50/50, i did tell him that in this situation I will also want to buy what I want and probably my own little things according to my budget. He did not appreciate this as he buys lots of meat which is quite expensive and he buys things that I do not necessarily enjoy eating. He likes wings chicken parts, I like the breast part as an example but even knowing it he will buy it because he is paying. He probably thought by sharing food expenses he will be able to buy what he wants and I will just give him half of the money without saying anything. I am not ok with that.

 

He is the type of man that thinks that a relationship should be purely 50/50. I think he is in for a lot of trouble down the road with such a view. While I think everybody should contribute in the best way they can in the relationship, I would be afraid of staying with a guy like this in the long term. Let say his long term partner is getting sick or is having kids, he will not tolerate having to pay for whole the expenses while his partner cannot contribute. Scary!

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