THE SPARTAN Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 As I write this to you, I’m listening to so ambient trance music, pouring out my emotions in these words…I need to do this to cope with the loss. I know this place, I’ve been here before, the pain, the anger, the sadness. How did I get here? Was it my fault? Does it matter? I’ve been pondering these thoughts for the past week. This isn’t my first rodeo, and I know what I need to do, but it’s still torture. Our relationship was good, but like any relationship we did have arguments. We met almost a year ago and from day one we had a good connection. I can be sarcastic, and she wasn’t afraid to give it back. We laughed, we enjoyed much of the same things, and she loved my nerdy side. Anytime we hit a rough spot she became enclosed, even for things I thought were trivial. When we finally sat down to talk about what was going on she opened up to me. Her ex, the father of her children treated her like a shadow, unappreciated, invisible, and would offer other people compliments, but never her. This weighed on her, and stuck with her. After she caught him cheating they broke up and she seeked counselling to understand what had transpired in the last 10 years. Prior to me she dated here and there, with the last guy being a full on manipulative narcissist. She was on and off with him before she saw the signs of what he was doing and they broke up. She explained all of this to me so I could understand her behavior of “flight” when we were in an argument. She didn’t want to go through any of that again, and any sign she would run. I became cognisant of this fact and would keep it in the back of my mind, since prior to her telling me what she dealt with I would make a joke an not realise the implications it may have because of what she went through. As our relationship progressed I also opened up to her so she could understand my nuances. I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I can put my ego aside and acknowledge when I up and apologize. We did argue from time to time, but I would make amends. Any good relationship needs communication, but I kept a dark secret from her. I knew what made her tick, but I held out on her and didn’t tell what made me tick. I knew that telling her my secrets would shed light on certain things. My gf had 2 kids with her ex. When they separated they split the custody 50/50 and they rarely communicate, only to schedule how they drop off and pick up the kids. I also have a son with my ex, but our dynamic is very different, and this is where much of our breakup stems from. My ex and I basically co-parent and I explained this to her but I never explained why. My ex basically has full custody, not because I’m a bad parent, but because my son, at this point in time, needs stability without the constant bouncing back an forth between 2 parents. When I have my days with my son I go to my ex’s place and she usually leaves to go and run errands or takes time for herself to do whatever. My gf didn’t quite understand why I had this arrangement, so when I was ready I told her. My son was diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder. When my son was 3 years old he got sick and almost died. One winter my son was fevered, so my ex called me and I rushed over and we drove him to the hospital. As he was in the car seat he would make a whining sound and his breath was shallow. As we waited in line in the emergency room the nurse came to triage him. I was holding him while he was struggling to breath, and as the nurse put the stethoscope on his back to listen to his heartbeat, she stopped, took a step back, and ripped my son from my arms and rushed him into the emergency room. They called a cold “blue” and several doctors surrounded him. As they put a breathing tube down his throat and attached electrodes to monitor him he seized. I felt so ing helpless… PAUSE While writing this I came to tears and had to stop several times. My son is better now, but that memory has left me scarred. He will always be my number 1 priority over all else. Every child should be. Continuing with the story… He survived, but both my ex and I came out of this with an understanding. Even though we may not get along, our son comes first! I sometimes visit him even when unscheduled if my ex invites me to see him, or if they are running errands and she wants me to watch him, I’ll tag along and keep him entertained while she does her thing. I explained all of this to my gf, but went into more detail then just these words I’m writing. It’s all about him, not my ex. My ex and I just tolerate each other. Even though I explained everything I knew this still bothered my gf. She asked did you ever sleep with your ex, and I answered truthfully and with transparency, YES. It was an isolated incident way before I met my gf, and one that both my ex and I acknowledged that will never happen again. I wasn’t afraid to be truthful with my gf. I wanted her to trust me. She thanked me for telling her, and she now understood why my ex and I have our arrangement for our son. This conversation took place a few months ago. She said it explained a lot and was happy to be out of the dark about my situation. About 2 months ago we got into an argument and she was ready to break up with me. It was surrounding my ex, but she quickly began to text and call me to sort it out. As she works nearby me, we met up and went for a walk to talk. She told me her points of contention and I did the same. It was a fight, but not really, kind of laughed at some points. We settled everything and I walked her back to work. I told her that when things get tough and we argue she can’t just leave and want to run, relationships don’t work that way. I walked her back to her building and I leaned in and put my arm around her waist and pulled her towards me. I whispered in her ear, “How many times have we argued and I was ready to give up or run?” She responded “None.” I said, exactly, and don’t ever forget it! Link to comment
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