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Long post - Could use some insight, was this abuse and how much of this was BPD?

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Was with this person for 1.5 years and I feel a bit like worthless at the moment. In the beginning it was a bit slow, long talks, a bit hesitant even for a kiss the 2nd date so I asked and she decline, I respected that. I would drive 45 min to see her several times a week. The preceding months were like lightning and it all went uphill at 1000 miles an hour, kissing, sex, compliments, everything about me was perfect to her, 2 months in she said she wanted to tell me she loved me, 5 months in she wanted me to marry her, I was on cloud 9, everything was so good, we were so tangled together, but then she started pushing "I am going to be too much for you, I am too crazy, everyone leaves me, she started crying in her car randomly and said she wasn't good enough, I am too good for her." Every time I constantly reassured her I am not going anywhere, she would apologize every time and say, "Good, I am in this for the long haul."


Constantly telling me I will leave her because of her issues


pushing me away then apologizing and thanking me for being understanding


Being happy through text, then meeting in person she is just a husk of a person unmotivated and doesn't want to do any plans we made


rejected physical or ignored physical gestures (Hugs never reciprocated, kisses were half assed 90% of the time, never showed me any affection)


extreme lack of emotional support for me, while I poured hours into asking her to explain herself so I could help or be there for her


manically cleaned apartment then depressingly destroyed it days later, didn't feed the cats for 2 days or more out of depression


constantly degraded herself and out make small digs at me when I didn't understand something or questioned something she would say "You really think you are going to be good at X career with that thought process?"


isolated to the point of being scared to go out and refused to go out half the time we would go to the grocery store excited then get there and she would just want to immediately leave


kept pushing marriage on me even 6 months into the relationship and telling me how she wants to be married in 3 years and kids soon (Her own dad told her she should probably stop asking so much)


she would judge my progress in school as "I am farther than you and I think you are just going to resent me or get lazy because I am farther." (Which I don't get at all, I didn't care I started later than her)


would constantly tell me "you can't deal with me, I am not worth it, you will leave me, you don't understand me, you can't understand me." (I tried my damnedest to be there and hear her out)


when we would talk she would zone out from our conversation and just start talking about what she wanted to talk about or ignore me


lived in a fantasy world of TV shows and Disney concept of relationships (The man is the one in charge and he needs to do most of the work) when we discussed marriage a bit after I said I would like an option with the marriage things she said (This is my wedding I am the woman, if you don't like it then we aren't getting married)


refused to let me move in unless we were engaged or married completely out of the blue when that wasn't our initial plan


would shut me out frequently and not talk


would give up on almost everything, even last week she "gave up" on school and failed 3 quizzes in a row because she didn't care anymore


she talked about suicide multiple time as glorifying the idea of being dead she took frequently more Xanax than she should have and laughed about it, took more sedatives than she should and alcohol together and just said "If I woke up, I wake up oh well,"


constantly degraded everyone around her calling them stupid, idiots, ect,


after her medication dose up and her PTSD flair up we didn't engage in any sexual activity for 3 or 4 months and she wouldn't even let me touch her as she said "I don't want any guy touching me, even you right now," (which hurt)


impulsively buy underwear and things she really didn't need, maxed her credit card and has ruined her score and is paying high interest


she complained about "zero romance" but every time I would ask to do something she would refuse it, no plans, no physical bonding, but then complained about we don't do anything...


would starve herself for days because of didn't want to get fat while I was by her side trying to make her food or dinner and trying to get her to eat and she just refused a lot of the time


Christmas we got a tree and started to set it up (A small one) halfway through she got frustrated, gave up and just laid on the couch for hours not wanting to talk or deal with anything


never really seemed excited for me when I achieved anything at the gym, school or just dealing with my own issues


would CONSTANTLY talk about her trauma and say she is good and fine but then almost immediately fall back into her pattern of self destruction, lack of awareness and spiraled backwards even when she did I was still there tell her she did a good job and trying to motivate her, but then would follow that with, Her personality just seemed to be her PTSD and Bi-Polar.


Would look on pintrest 24/7 and equate quotes and motivational tags to our relationship and see if they added up to them to compare if we were doing ok or not.


How many times I sat there asking for her attention, putting my hand on her hand, her leg or anything and not getting any reciprocation of affection back or even acknowledging my presence. Was it really that hard that you never said you are glad to see me when I walked through the door in the 1.5 years together, to never hug me or kiss me walking into your little apartment world?


one of the most hurtful things that happened was when I asked her to put her homework down so we could enjoy a show together or just BE together for a moment in time, she said, "I can multitask" I asked her if we could just be present with each other for a bit and she just declined to give up her preoccupation. That dug into my soul really hard, it felt like my emotions were just totally insignificant and my presence was second best to her.


After all this, I still cared and tried to support her through everything and it still hurts...


We had good moments of conversation we had and sometimes we cuddled at night and talked, we enjoyed the gym she more or less enjoyed running more though. We were eating properly together through myfitnesspal for a bit and we talked about school a lot since we are the same major and at times she did have some awareness of herself and it made me feel so happy she was doing good and was noticing her cycles.


But then, she at times didn't tell her therapist all of her issues, didn't take her medication all the time, sometimes refused. I had to put my foot down at one point and tell her, "either you go to your therapist and get back on medication or I am leaving," and she did, but then she slowly started falling off again.


She said we mainly broke up because I didn't know how to deal with her PTSD/bi-polar/borderline and that she just put up her walls and stopped trusting me after awhile because I made a mistake once or twice or didn't see things from her perspective. As I set there asking and trying to get her to let me understand about her illness so I could help she just said, "Why do you care now, why didn't you do this before." I told her because I actually have a perspective onto what went wrong and what I can do now, she just said, "Yeah, too little too late, I feel nothing for you anyway, it is completely gone and never coming back it is like a switch."


Mind you during all of this conversation she is smiling ear to ear texting a guy from tinder...


Some key quotes as well:


- She flat out said this to me when I was saying I want to work on what I did wrong in the relationship, "What if you mess up in 30 - 40 - 50 years?"


- "You can't emotionally support me."


- "I gave up trying and communicating long ago."


- "I wanted to be with other people when we were together."


- "I want to be with someone who doesn't know my mental health history and never tell them."


- "I built up my walls against you, I never want to try again and let them down for you ever again."


- "I thought school (Psychology Major) would teach you how to deal with me."


- "Why do you want to change now, you should have done that 8 months ago."


- "You think I am heartless, I went through the breakup months ago, that really hurt too."


- "I am not far into treatment, I am insane, no one should be with me." As she is somewhat seeing a new guy now.


- "I know I live in a fantasy world."


- "I forced myself to live without you and I don't want to try again."


She then went on to say that she shouldn't date anyway because she is too much, she isn't even in a good place in her illness journey to be with anyone and that she is too ed up and is too much work. Then she just giggles and said her medication is doing great that she found an extra bottle of xanax and sedatives she has been taking in excess and feels great. (I messaged her mom last night and told her about that)


This all feels like a ing vivid nightmare, someone so sweet and loving turned into a completely distant and hurtful person, this isn't even her anymore.


I always listened to her and never degraded or held her illness against her and worked with her always.


I made a few mistakes, when she went to the hospital I didn't go see her (I still feel terrible about that) and we didn't really celebrate Christmas or our anniversary together. I got a bit distant with her in her depressive episodes and I will admit I did not have the skills to deal with her emotional swings which she faulted me for not knowing how to help her. I did start coming around a bit less, because her moods would bring me down.


Were these things that bad that we couldn't repair the relationship?


I am just so hurt and a bit guilt ridden that I ruined everything here because of some of the mistakes I made. She also wanted to get married in a year and I asked if she could wait like 2 years and she decline (maybe I should have just done it sooner then?) I just don't get it, I stayed when she went off meds, got hypo, drank, neglected herself, animals, me for the whims of her selfishness or the lows of her depression and me being there for her and helping her with everything I possibly could being there to reassure her I wasn't ever leaving her through bad or good, always trying to be emotionally supportive, physically supportive, when she wanted to complain about her job or X thing I always listened, when she degraded herself I was always building her back up, making dinner for her when she didn't want to, always driving her places, helped with rent, groceries, cat food, complimented her physical appearance when she felt disgusting, reminded her to take her meds, helped her with homework and her computer issues, grounded her when her PTSD popped up when she was sleeping and having a bad dream I would wake her up and hold her, kissed her forehead when she would get migraines or to be extra affectionate, always was respectful of her sexual boundaries and requests, I even pointed out her possible Bi-Polar as a possibility instead of Borderline, stood by you when you pushed and pushed being the anchor for you as you would apologize and say "I am in this for the long haul."


I thought this was going to be my last relationship, she said it multiple times that it was for us, even during the breakup she said, "You have been the best boyfriend I have ever had in every aspect of a relationship ever." Then she walks out without a fight or trying to fix anything...

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I am in no area to give advice, as I frequent on here to seek some for myself and browse. But i'm going to be honest with you, though it was many years ago.


I was a junior in HS and I was always after this 10/10 blonde that was my dream girl. I actually got to know her a little more and we started hanging out, and I realized she was Bipolar, manic, depressed/anxiety and the whole 9 yards. She actually had a crush on my best friend and she pursued him, but they were on and off and I was kind of the safety net and she eventually tried to kindle things with me after about a year and we eventually somewhat-dated.


Anyways, ill just say, the baggage was not worth it, even though she was absolutely stunning physically. She was constantly up, down, left, right, and it was the first girl I had an intimate relationship with. It almost permanently messed me up for a long time as she set the expectations for me that all girls were like her, but they are not.


We would get into fights, and cut contact, only for days later for her to tell me she was pregnant with my child, or she was about to swallow a handfull of pills. She threatened suicide atleast 5-6 times and I would show up at her house crying hysterically because I thought she was gone. One time she did, and actually went through with it, I rushed to her house and walked in to her telling me it was too late and she already swallowed the pills, I cried and kissed her and told her I was telling her mother. She begged me not too, I did though, her mother took her to the ER and had her stomach pumped.


That was the time I should've walked away. But I didn't. I insisted on making it work, because I loved her. But she ended up sleeping with someone else, who I hated and had "beef" with in highschool, that was truly the end.


My point is. You cannot help women like this. You simply can't. They can only help themselves, and it may be years and years from now for them to find some sort of inner peace. I ended up leaving her, and she went on to an abusive boyfriend and she ended up calling me every 4-5 months for the next 3 years asking for me back. I ended up giving my phone to my LTR girlfriend-at-the-time, everytime she would call, because she could not get the hint.


She ended up getting arrested multiple times for domestic violence, and public intoxication, and still to this day, I do miss her, but she was simply not worth it. Yes, I loved her, and treated her like a goddess, but love is a two-way street. If you are giving 90% and she is giving 10%, it will not work out in the long run.


As much as you hate to hear what I am saying, the best thing you can do is truly "pack your bags" so to speak, and move foward without her. She will never be happy with you until she is happy with herself.

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Imo, you need to seek professional help to deal with the aftermath of this relationship. Imo, it was not intentional abuse because it sounds like this woman had serious mental health issues. The actual diagnosis of her issues whether it was BPD or something else doesn't really matter. What matters is that you need to accept that her mental health was such that she was not capable of sustaining a healthy relationship and that you could not rely on whatever she said because, sadly, it could change from one moment to the next due to her illness. Therefore, imo, there is no point in lamenting her past words.


Allowing your self-esteem to suffer due to her constant mental health status changes doesn't make sense imo. Wanting to stay on in such a toxic situation doesn't make sense either. It sounds like you got addicted to her highs and lows. What it boils down to is that she was incapable of sustaining a healthy relationship over time and she had told you as much. End of story. It was nobody's fault but her illness's and there was nothing you or her could have done about it. You did your best. She did her best. Sadly, it was not enough. Time to seek help to help you deal with the aftermath and accept what was beyond your powers. Good luck.

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Has she sought help for her mental health issues?


OP, you should have left this situation long ago. I also recommend that you get therapy, as I cannot comprehend you sticking around for this level of instability and emotional abuse.


Look into codependency. You fit it to a tee. The majority of folks would have exited early on. So many red flags. Your relationship was disturbing.

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A disclaimer - I am not a mental health professional; my experience comes solely from having an ex-boyfriend who was disagnosed BPD, who refused treatment.


This does not sound like BPD to me. You evidently already know she suffers from PTSD, and it sounds like severe depressive episodes. However, only her doctor can accurately assess that.


What we do know is that she is in no place to have a committed and long-lasting relaitonship. You cannot help her with these issues, and yo couldn't have done things differently to change the outcome here. Unless and until she is involved in a sustained and long-term course of treatment, this won't get better. I would follow Holly's suggestion and look into codependency, as you are displaying some unhealthy habits yourself. Trying to parent her back to good health or believing your love would be enough to pull her through this suggests you have some inner work to do, too.


You will need to let her go. She can't live up to the big future you two fantasized about.

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Nobody on here is qualified to diagnose her, and it's not actually relevant.


What you can say with certainty is that she is very distressed, emotionally unstable and incapable of committing to a loving relationship. That's all you need to know.


What IS relevant here is that you chose to stay with this lady, despite her treating you like ****. Sure, the **** was likely due to mental health issues which are not of her own making, but thinking you can love someone into wellness is a dangerous delusion. Don't feel guilty about leaving her behind (though I know from experience that this one's very difficult to do!) and it could be that you'd benefit from professional help to process the trauma you've been through over the last 1.5 years.


Don't underestimate how damaging relationships like this can be, regardless of the role you played in them.


Good luck!

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In my opinion,we're all broken in some way, we all have borderline disorders, a lot, or a little. It seems like the people who have done enough work to know and own their own - to not fall into old roles and are able to reflect healthy attitudes and perspectives are probably people that worked on that really hard, started off with that in life, or sometimes people that went through being the co dependant 'fixer' and realized they had to protect themselves at some point, and try to unlearn co dependency.

Whatever it is for you, I feel sad for what you went through for this person, and I hope you will find a way to protect yourself from being hurt in the future by taking to heart the good advice you're getting. You have a difficult task, finding healing for yourself and unlearning some deeply rooted habits in relationships. But you can do it.

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