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Amazing relationship but she's not as turned on by me sexually as other guys


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Hello,

My girlfriend and I have an amazing relationship and I've just proposed to her a week ago and she's beyond excited. She's 45 and has been a free spirit her whole life and has had 3 other guys propose to her and she broke it off with them early on and has never been married. We have been in a long distance relationship for a little over a month and she says she's never missed any of her other boyfriends she's had a relationship with except for me and it's a totally different experience for her and she's actually surprised by it. She also is surprised at her reaction to the thought of being married. She's been looking at wedding dresses, planning the wedding almost immediately, planning taking pictures and everything. I was shocked too about her reaction- we both are. She's been so independent her whole life this seems completely out of character for her but it feels amazing that she feels that way about me.

 

My only concern about this relationship is the sex feels very vanilla at times and sex is extremely important to me in a relationship. I'm used to having very passionate sexual relationships with my partners and have been very flattered how much they have liked having sex with me. I hate to say it but early on in our relationship, I saw a text from her ex and snooped and found out that when they were dating she was extremely turned on by him and it feels like she was way more attracted sexually to him than me. I think is very common. Many people had ex's that they were sexually more attracted to than the person who they chose to marry. I get this but it tears me apart sometimes and it really hurts. We do have great sex but I feel like she's not turned on as much as she could be and it's an attraction thing. I know she's crazy about me in all other ways but I wish "I did it" for her like this other guy.

 

I don't know how to navigate these feelings without causing stress between us.

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I kind of see a few things going on here.

 

First off, it seems that you are the the one—or at least one of the ones—who is not satisfied sexually. Fine, but better to own that than to project it onto her. Secondly, was the text exchange you snooped on recent—like, was she texting with an ex and actually comparing him to you? Or did you snoop back to old texts between them from before she knew you existed?

 

If it was the former—well, I'm not quite sure why you're engaged to someone who was texting that sort of thing with an ex while being with you. And if it was the latter—well, then I'd suggest you do what you need to do (therapy, pushups, your call) to temper that jealous, possessive streak because it's not going to do you favors in marriage.

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It's a weird situation.

 

She's 45, never married even though she's been proposed to. She wants these men badly in bed, but not as a husband. But she's also the one that chose them.

I would wonder how stable she is.

What in the heck is she texting an ex for anyhow?

 

I dunno, cainsim, these seem like pretty big red flags to me.

 

I hope you don't end up being the roommate/husband type while she runs around with other men behind your back.

Something tells me her not being married and her past relationships not working out, has more to do with what kind of person she is.

 

Even if the guys were losers, they're still the ones she chose to be with and is still in contact with.

 

As for looking at her texts, I have no qualms with doing that. People have to make sure what they're getting into, especially when it comes to marriage.

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Well - most of that text exchange I snooped on was before we got together. The part where she admitted she was more turned on by him than me was right when she was telling him that she didn't want to to hang out with him because she wanted to date me and wanted a real relationship. She never said anything like that to him since we've been dating and she stopped talking to him altogether a few months after we started dating and he got the picture and hit the road for good.

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You can have pretty vanilla sex and it be great. And it's very loving sex and she often tells me she loves me when we're in the middle of having sex. Sometimes, i would like to have some crazier kinkier sex though. The funny thing about that guy too was he had a small and came in about 30 seconds but I still get the feeling there was a lot of sexual chemistry there.

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Well - most of that text exchange I snooped on was before we got together.

 

That's just messed up. You have no right to go into random people's things.

 

A woman you're thinking or marrying, okay, that on some level makes sense.

 

A woman you aren't even dating? No...you had no right.

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I don't quite know what to say.

 

From where I sit the big red flag here is you—that you've chosen to keep proceeding with someone you don't trust and have built a marriage-bound union on a foundation of distrust. I mean, she's not in touch with this guy, explicitly told him that she was interested in exploring you, and you only. Which she has. To the point where she is now engaged to marry you and hasn't talked with him in...months? Years? How long ago was all this?

 

Regardless, you kind of can't ask for better stuff to find if you're choosing to violate someone's privacy in order to have a sense of control over a relationship.

 

In ways, I'd say you got exactly what you wanted from snooping: a scab to pick and pick, and picking that scab is now baked into this romantic dynamic. That's the stuff that's worth examining in therapy—the place where paranoia, control, and low self-esteem leads you to make questionable choices, be it snooping or investing in people you're incapable of trusting. Can you do that while also jogging down the path toward nuptials? It's a tightrope walk, for sure, a tricky needle to thread, but if you'd like to have a happy marriage and to be, you know, a more respectful human being I'd say give it a go.

 

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I am adamantly against snooping. It is automatic breakup territory for me—cord cut, no conversation to be had. I don't think anything good as ever come out of it in modern history: it's a choice fueled by neurosis that does nothing but validate neurosis—and there is nothing quite like neurosis to put a damper on sex and intimacy. You want things kinkier? Well, that's easy. Be kinkier, talk about kink. But to go there you need trust, a missing ingredient here. The piece of your brain obsessed with Mr. 30 Seconds is the same piece of your brain needed to connect with her in the way you crave.

 

I think you kind of shot yourself in your foot by that early snooping. You neutered yourself a bit, closed off some avenues toward building intimacy with her because you chose control over vulnerability, and now, with marriage looming, you're frustrated by all that. Can't blame you, but this is self-created. I say own that and work to untangle the knot, since she deserves a parter who can accept her for who she is and where she's been. If you can't be that man, I'd rethink things with her.

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bluecastle - you're exactly right - I need to really evaluate why I was snooping and what kind of person I am. I will admit we were going through a sudden rough patch where it went from a very intense beginning and I felt like she started losing interest and I freaked out and checked her texts. You're right though - I am really ed up for doing that.

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I hate to say it but early on in our relationship, I saw a text from her ex and snooped and found out that when they were dating she was extremely turned on by him and it feels like she was way more attracted sexually to him than me.

 

One doesn’t snoop just for the sake of snooping.

 

There’s usually a lack of trust in the relationship that is driving that behavior. I’m curious to know what drove you to snoop?

 

She never said anything like that to him since we've been dating and she stopped talking to him altogether a few months after we started dating and he got the picture and hit the road for good.

 

If that’s true, you “feeling she was way more attracted sexually to him than you” is an irrational thought and one that is not based on reality.

 

Has anything similar happened to you in past relationships with other women?

 

PS. This topic subject is fairly common. There's an episode from Friends that touches on it (I’m not sure if it’s against forum rules to post YouTube links but it’s called “Monica and Richard I love you too - Ross and Rachel about Animal Sex”).

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Dating 30 or so days or long distance for a month? How often have you seen each other in person? This is far from an 'amazing relationship".

 

You're not sexually compatible, you snoop on through her phone, you're intimidated by her past, you can't let go of your own past conquest fantasies, etc.

 

Do either of you have sexual dysfunction? Or infidelity issues in the past? It sounds like you live in the past sexually, when things were working better for you and you're very insecure about your sexuality now, hence the snooping. There is also a bizarre logic that getting married kills sexuality and you're not supposed to be sexually attracted to whomever you marry. Madonna-prostitute complex?

 

Unfortunately this has disaster written all over it. Why get married? Figure out your sexual compatibility first, no? Also get to a doctor for a physical. That may help you deal with your sexuality issues better than snooping or sham marriages.

I've just proposed to her a week ago. We have been in a long distance relationship for a little over a month

 

I'm used to having very passionate sexual relationships with my partners and have been very flattered how much they have liked having sex with me. I hate to say it but early on in our relationship, I saw a text from her ex and snooped and found out that when they were dating she was extremely turned on by him and it feels like she was way more attracted sexually to him than me.

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We've been dating almost a year and we have spent an amazing amount of quality time together and have been through a lot together. Her family loves me and they love the fact that I proposed to her. Again the sex is really good - just a little tame at times and it's usually very loving and she says the "L" word when we have it a lot. I know she's not a cheater and she cut off all contact with him months ago and a majority of the contact she had with him was telling him how happy she was being in a real relationship. I have more sexual energy and stamina than I ever had and I've been surprising woman lately given my age. A couple of months after we started dating she went through an incredibly stressful time in her life and almost went bankrupt and finally had to move because of it in August. When the stressful time started happening, I kind of freaked out because I thought she was losing interest in me and that's when I snooped. I feel terrible about it and haven't done it since. I know it's unrealistic to think every married couple says they were more attracted to each other sexually than any other relationship they've been in. Some of the best sex I've had was in the most dysfunctional relationships. A big part of this is my ego saying I want to be the best she's ever experienced and I know that I'm not. That's not saying I'm bad at pleasing her either. I'm jealous of the passion they had.

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If you plan on going through with things, start counseling now. Start by yourself to address the "best sex is in dysfunctional relationships" mindset, snooping, insecurity and other baggage you need to clear out.

 

After you say "I do" a whole bunch of laws go into effect and it can get very expensive and heart-wrenching to say "I undo". Premarital counseling is a must in your case because of very poor levels of trust, very poor stress coping skills, deficient honest communication, and add to that mix sexual insecurity and incompatibility - a recipe for disaster.

Her family loves me and they love the fact that I proposed to her. A couple of months after we started dating she went through an incredibly stressful time in her life and almost went bankrupt and finally had to move because of it in August. When the stressful time started happening, I kind of freaked out because I thought she was losing interest in me and that's when I snooped. Some of the best sex I've had was in the most dysfunctional relationships.
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I think it's extremely common for people often to have amazing sex with people they aren't compatible with. I hear that so often it's ridiculous. Is that really a red flag?

 

I agree. 'They' often say the sex is best with the bad ones.

I've found in my life the best sex I have had is with men who treated me like crap and were somewhat mad.

Hopefully some will say the same for me (LOL) ;)

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Agree with Wiseman.

 

You've got two things swirling around in your mind that are inhibiting you from deeper intimacy, emotional and physical. One is your ego: too big, too bruised, which I'd say was a preexisting condition before you met her; rather than inhabiting your sexual self with confidence, you seem to need it validated by a woman, to be "the best ever" instead of the really sweet thing that is just you. And the other (linked) is a pretty juvenile idea about "the best" requiring a level of dysfunction.

 

Sex is...just sex. It can be wild and consuming in all sorts of scenarios—with the emotionally unhinged painter you meet in the dive bar, and turn a one night stand into a dizzying year that feels like living inside a time bomb; with the put together civil rights lawyer you meet at the protest, get to know slowly, go on to marry and have a functional relationship with. It can also be vanilla, or downright boring, in those scenarios. It is, again, just sex.

 

Do you think, sexually, you've bee "settling" a bit with her? I mean, that feels like the subtext here: that you're not quite clicking, and projecting that onto her, onto the little scraps you found in your misguided detective work.

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I'm going to say she's the type that likes the thrill of the chase and the newness of a relationship. My friend dated a guy that was like this and he openly admitted he loses interest after about 3 or 4 months. No one, not even you can keep this free spirit of a woman for yourself. Sounds like you will have to let her flutter away.

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I don't know why you keep bringing up sex with other partners. That's pretty discouraging if I'm reading it from a woman's perspective and putting myself in your partner's shoes. Frankly, I don't think you should get married to anyone. Figure out your issues with your sex life and feelings of dysfunction and sadness/whatever you feel you're missing out in your current relationship. Free spirit or not, no person deserves to be married to another person who's thinking how they had it better in previous relationships.

 

I don't think this woman is for you. She's probably hot, sexy, 'free spirit'-ed (something that makes you horny?) but whatever she is, she's just not enough. Don't marry her. Take your time dating and see where this goes (provided she sticks around after that).

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so if you were in a relationship with a guy and you knew he was way more attracted sexually to one of his ex's, you'd feel good about that?

 

I'm not answering for Rose, but observing what I see in you asking this question:

 

You don't "know" this. Your girlfriend is not repeatedly whispering in your ear that she is more attracted to anyone more than she is you, or giving you any reason to believe that. You are whispering that in your ear. You spied on her, because you don't trust her, don't trust your own sexual voodoo while also measuring the quality of your manhood and romances solely in sexual voodoo—and that measuring stick has emotionally castrated you, to the detriment of this relationship.

 

For some reason—this is for the therapists—you are drawn to a woman who makes you feel insecure, less of a man. That is not her doing, but a form of validation you are hardwired to seek: you like feeling "less than" so you can prove that you are "more than." Problem with all that? You are missing out of the fun of actually connecting with another person because you are using another person as mirror: from one angle the image of yourself reflecting back is of Stud You, from another it's Vanilla You, but mainly it's all You Not Being Him. You are making her personhood—past, present, a future—a verdict on you rather than something you can cherish and respect.

 

She is, at present, either too much for you or not enough—it's kind of hard to tell. Maybe both. But a good match for marriage? Hard to see that. With a good match you don't spiral into paranoid wormholes because you feel secure in your own skin, what you offer, and secure that someone appreciates that. You feel, in ways, the opposite of how you feel right now, and you celebrate that feeling by saying "Will you marry me?" rather than asking the question in hopes the icky feelings dissolve.

 

I literally can't imagine even having such thoughts, let alone making them part of the fabric of a romance, a marriage. I'm an adult, like you, who dates adults. That means the women I meet have experiences with men who are not me: ecstatic experiences in love, in sex, in life that have nothing to do with me. Great. And also: whatever. That's their past. I'm their present. If I can't be present inside my spirit and body alongside them, it means I'm dating the wrong person, incapable of respecting both her and myself as needed. Simple math. You're working with math that doesn't add up to anything but a swollen ego, a mental volley of disrespect, and an outsized obsession with sex.

 

Take a deep breath. Do what you need to do to get your head on straight so the head between your legs isn't gasping for air. If you can feel good and calm and secure alongside her—great. That's the stuff to say "I do" to. If you can't—well, also great. Means you're meant to say "I do" to someone else.

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bluecastle - Thanks for your great reply. I will completely admit I have a paranoid streak and I really should pay attention to all the positive things she's been saying about our relationship and seeing how excited she is about us getting married. I came here in hopes that I would look like my anxiety was getting the best of me and I really thank you all for confirming that. We all have our demons and I'm not going to pretend I don't have any because clearly I do.

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