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Not revolving my college schedule around stepson


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Hello all I am 22 and due in 2 months witha baby girl. I have been with SO 1 year and 6 months. He is 24 and has a 6 year old son from a previous relationship. I have one degree and need to finish my second major next year, and then head off to med school. SS mom is 21 and unstable reason we have him full time now, since the move she has her own place now and is in progress of obtaining a vehicle. Problem is she has not seen him in 2 weeks because she got in a minor car accident that was her fault with SS inside and SO only found out through SS. My issue is next year I will be working 3 day 12 hour shifts and going to school, as we all know you need to fit school schedules into your schedule, and since I want to graduate fast I will take anything available, I do not want to revolve it around SS schedule, and I fear his mom is getting too comfortable with my help. I discussed this with SO and he said assume we will have him next year, she wants him in a sport, but does not understand if she wants him in activities she needs to step up, I am not his mom. Im an addition to his life I clothe him feed him take him to school help him with hw I am helping him on his journey frowing up , I will have an infant, school, and work, I am paying my mom to babysit my child and family is very supportive with school. Am I being selfish. SO also told me "so you are giving up on him too"? She is his mom and needs to do her duties she has me confused if she believes she can just hand me her role. I will have my plate full and all she will have is work, I am not making her life easier., nor his when I have a future still in reach. Note: Reason for SS move is her instability, mocing from relatives place to place because she is immatureand fights, quits jobs constantly, and SS missed so much school. SHe got her car repoed and evicted even with 400 dollars of Child support and additional mobey to help her with rent from SO.

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Are you being selfish? No. If you are serious about your future plans, then you'll have to learn to get tough and at times downright ruthless about getting to where you are going.

 

At barely 22 you got involved in a lot, with having a child and playing house with a guy who already has another baby momma, instability and so on. Since you are only a gf, why are you taking on so many wifely duties toward him and his son? This is a serious question. Are you being taken advantage of? Probably. You might need to rethink your relationship and your choices. Again, if you are serious about achieving what you want in life, you'll have to be willing to make some hard decisions and stand by them.

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You are going to be having this child’s half sibling. If you can’t treat them the same you are taking the wrong job as step mom. Calling yourself step mom means you do all the same things that you would for your biological child. How would you want a step parent to treat your child?? As less?

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I dont treat them differently because I wouldnt treat my child differently, a step parent isnot a full time parent when kids have both parents, I wouldn't expect my step parent to do everything I would do for my child for me.. Even my parents know what parent I will be and Im not treating this child any less, being seen as a bad person treating kids indifferently because I want to keep reaching my goals, he has a mom and she needs to be a mom not get comfortable because there is a stepparent.

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Who is going to take care of your baby with your schedule? You chose to make a baby with this guy shortly after you met but you knew he is already a father, a young father, and the mother is even younger. Kids raising kids. My sense is you are not going to be able to take on what you planned unless your boyfriend is going to be a stay at home full time dad and the mother of his son steps up. I'd reevaluate your expectations. I am a huge fan of career first but you chose to put parenthood first ,for now, when you chose to conceive a child with your newish boyfriend who already has a child.

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Sounds like you're annoyed with her attitude mostly. I would be too, I suspect.

 

This is something that your boyfriend should be playing a more active role in. I'm not a fan of the way he suggested that you're giving up on your step son. He seems frustrated with the situation and he's taking it out on you. This is unhealthy in your relationship. You should be recognizing those patterns in your boyfriend and requesting better boundaries, clearing the air. Cut out all that nonsense between the both of you and deal with this together as a team.

 

You may be noticing behaviours in your boyfriend now that you might not have noticed earlier either. Don't blind yourself to patterns in a person's behaviour. Make conscious decisions about whether you can work with those patterns or work together. Work constructively not destructively.

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I dont treat them differently because I wouldnt treat my child differently, a step parent isnot a full time parent when kids have both parents, I wouldn't expect my step parent to do everything I would do for my child for me.. Even my parents know what parent I will be and Im not treating this child any less, being seen as a bad person treating kids indifferently because I want to keep reaching my goals, he has a mom and she needs to be a mom not get comfortable because there is a stepparent.

Reason for SS move is her instability, mocing from relatives place to place because she is immatureand fights, quits jobs constantly, and SS missed so much school.
Certainly doesn't sound like it.

 

I'm mainly curious on what exactly you mean about "revolving around your stepson." Because it's one thing if you don't want to be the only one beholden to leave 7:30am and 3:30pm open M - F when you've got work, classes, and a baby to rear. It's a complete different thing if you essentially don't want to be bothered with him in between your other duties. Not trying to be an ass, but please take a few minutes to type out and read over what you're saying because there's a decent chunk of it that's indecipherable.

 

But from what I can gather, like 95% of these circumstances have zero place in an 18-month relationship. We are where we are, so I'm not saying that to drag the point out. That's just to say that you're as close as possible figuratively to literally heading straight up **** creek without a paddle right now. Were it not for you having a baby on the way, the solution would be the easiest in the world to see. But this is well beyond our scope. You two need a family counselor and to figure out just how you're going to navigate this seemingly evermore complicated mess. Look into family services in your area.

 

And I hope that if your "stepson" effectively remains in your boyfriend's custody, he'll take the proper measures to establish legal custody and have his due child support coming his way.

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Since you are not married this child is neither your son nor step son, it means your bf needs to provide and arrange better child care for his and his other baby-mama's child.

 

Take care of your own child and your education and work. Stop pointing fingers at this other baby-mama, your bf is the problem and can't manage. Stop being your bf's nanny for his other child. He needs to enlist the help of his family and the child's extended family and pay for child care if he chooses to have kids.

I am 22 and due in 2 months. He is 24 and has a 6 year old son from a previous relationship. we have him full time now
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I agree with J.Man...

 

Essentially... welcome to adulthood. You chose to create a baby with a man you were with I’m guessing at most a year and now you have an instant family, you didn’t think the gravity of it all through and now it’s all piling up which parenting tends to do that, people don’t realize how all encompassing a job it truly is.

 

Yes, you’re right, you are not his mother, his mother is failing him. It’s awful, but you are choosing to be with his father. Should his father be giving you the majority of the duties? If it’s your dynamic it’s your dynamic... if you’re with him, you’re gonna have to accept he comes with a full time parenting duty, there’s really no getting around it...you are not treating him as your own, which, I won’t lie, I’d have a hard time doing so with a child that wasn’t mine, I know that about myself so I don’t date men with young children, you’re human, you aren’t being selfish these are your feelings but pouting isn’t going to solve it, you either signed for all this or you didn’t, you don’t get to have your boyfriend without his son, they’re a package deal so decide...

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Perhaps it's the way you worded things that your bf sensed an uncaring attitude. Perhaps you should've said, "Let's think of how we'll logistically handle Son's school schedule next year if he lives with us permanently, since I'm going to be working some 12 hour days. He'll need to go to before or after school care, or maybe you can pay a relative who is willing to care for him until you get out of work."

 

Does he appreciate what you do for his son? What hours does he work? Does he help with homework, too? Can he afford before and/or after school care, and would utilizing this school service work for him, being able to drop him off and pick him up? If a sports or musical activity is so important to the parents, there are after school programs where a bus will pick up the child and bring them to their program of karate or music lessons, etc.

 

He's really the one who should be thinking of these things and having these discussions with you. I don't know your dynamic since you haven't given more details. There's a possibility the parents are lazy and if someone else will take on the tasks of child care duty, that's a nice breather for them. And then when they see the doormat is no longer willing to be a doormat, they balk because they will have to do the schedule-juggling themselves.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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Are we being trolled?

 

Your name sounded familiar so I checked your post history and you stated you were 4 months pregnant back in February... you stated you met him and got pregnant a few months later which would mean you two have only been together for about a year and you also mentioned you were epileptic so you moving in with him was so he could care for you...

 

Care to explain?

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Are we being trolled?

 

Your name sounded familiar so I checked your post history and you stated you were 4 months pregnant back in February... you stated you met him and got pregnant a few months later which would mean you two have only been together for about a year and you also mentioned you were epileptic so you moving in with him was so he could care for you...

 

Care to explain?

 

Yep... that's some crazy math!

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Sorry, if you are marrying him or otherwise living with him and coupled, you took on being stepmom officiallly or unofficially. He has no reliable mother. The way you treat your child's half sibling sounds like it will be atrocious. If you work 3 days a week, 12 hours a day, then talk to your guy about arranging childcare for both children on those three days -- whether he stays home for part of the day and puts the kids in daycare for part of the day or what. And that's it. the other days of the week, you care for your baby, and if stepson is there, you take care of him, too, while your guy is at work. you agreed to this situation and if the child's mother is in the hospital or not always reliable, either have him arrange with grandparents to babysit him at times to get a break when you first have the baby - but don't be cruel to this child.

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I am a firm believer parenthood and careers can coincide. SO works 5:30-4:10, gets home lays down plays video games or watches football. I clean, cook, and do my school work, help his child with hw make sure his child is showered. Make sure his child is advancing in school and his reading gets better. Kids at school and his teachers think I am his mom, that is how often his mom has picked him up from school. On days off she cannot bother to do so or uber to pick him up or see him. My mom will be caring for my daughter while im at school, 2-3 days a week. On weekends my SO will take care of her while I work. I am living on money I saved up working 2 jobs earlier trimester. When he told me "im letting him down" i felt they already did that by not getting legal issues dolved and not caring for their childs upbringing, him and I arent married. I know child will be confused if I play mom, and then she will get her feelings hurt. It is sad, but I do not think I can be a doormate, step parent hyes, but not someones doormat, especially 2 people

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I am a firm believer parenthood and careers can coincide. SO works 5:30-4:10, gets home lays down plays video games or watches football. I clean, cook, and do my school work, help his child with hw make sure his child is showered. Make sure his child is advancing in school and his reading gets better. Kids at school and his teachers think I am his mom, that is how often his mom has picked him up from school. On days off she cannot bother to do so or uber to pick him up or see him. My mom will be caring for my daughter while im at school, 2-3 days a week. On weekends my SO will take care of her while I work. I am living on money I saved up working 2 jobs earlier trimester. When he told me "im letting him down" i felt they already did that by not getting legal issues dolved and not caring for their childs upbringing, him and I arent married. I know child will be confused if I play mom, and then she will get her feelings hurt. It is sad, but I do not think I can be a doormate, step parent hyes, but not someones doormat, especially 2 people

 

Yes of course it can coincide if you have your mom giving you free childcare - you can be as firm a believer as you want - but for women who don't have access to free childcare from grandparents belief often cannot be reality.

Since you're not married understand that he can decide not to take care of your child together, have you move out and pay you child support instead so the child care he is giving to your child together might end. You're not married and the boy is not your son, that is true, but if you want him to be the main caregiver on weekends rather than just give you full custody and you have to pursue child support and child care maybe play nicely in the sandbox.

 

Also want to know about the timing figureitout pointed out.

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he has a mom and she needs to be a mom not get comfortable because there is a stepparent.

 

This may be true but there is absolutely nothing you can do about this. It's a waste of energy to blame her for anything, and your bf bears just as much responsibility here.

 

Instead of living in fear that you won't get what you want and creating conflict on something that hasn't even happened yet, maybe sit back and reflect on what you really do want, talk to your BF in an adult way and also listen to his concerns etc. and try to come up with a solution that will work for both of you.

 

At the end of the day if you treat his son differently, even if it's to huff and puff and blame his mom/dad for her lack of consistency, his son WILL notice and this will impact how he feels about you in the long run.

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If I read this correctly, SS's mom was 15 when she had him and your bf was 18.

She's been struggling with motherhood and getting on her feet - gee, I wonder why?!

You seem to look down on her, yet you chose to bring another baby into this scenario. I don't get that. Why pile more on top when your bf already had more than he could handle with his son?

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The child's own grandparents and father and mother should be taking care of him. Can you move back home to your parents so you have at least some support around? You should focus on your own pregnancy/child and school/work.

 

Stop acting like the household help. That is not being a good partner, it's being a doormat. You are creating a lot of problems for yourself. Perhaps when your own child is born your bf will get off his butt and take care of his other child himself. Move back in with your parents. This man is useless.

my parents think his son does not behave well, and mocks adults, my SO babies him too much and are not fans of taking care of him
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If you were married to this man, it might be a different story. But since neither of you has committed to a permanent relationship, you are not the boy's stepmother and you shouldn't be expected to take part in stepmother activities.

 

Where have you been?? Missed you around!

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