Jump to content
'

Recommended Posts

Hello everyone

 

 

I have not been around here since winter 2014, when I was dealing with a break-up which ended up in reconciliation. We kept together until autumn 2017, when our ~10 year relationship ended for good.

 

When that ended, as too many of us know, the pain was...unbearable. Sleep, food, social life, colours, smells - it all disappeared. It took a few months before I regained some semblance of a functioning life.

 

I have met a few girls since, nothing serious - albeit a short-lived crush during the summer of 2018. It was not before october 2018 I met someone I...really liked.

 

This girl is from the same small town as me, and we have seen each other on various family events and at school growing up. I have always liked her. She is smart, beautiful, self-counscious and gracious. Becoming adults, we have both moved to the "big city" and did not keep in contact.

 

Until I met her by chance last fall. It clicked immediately. And we started to date.

 

I quickly learned that she had exited a long-term relationship that summer. She ended it, and was emotionally over it before doing so. I did not push the subject, and let her talk about it when she wanted to. Now come Christmas-time 2018. That was when she told me that she still lived with her ex. Which surprised me. They even shared a bedroom (without the sex). I did not make a big fuzz out of it, but told her I could not see how that was a good idea, and that it raised questions for myself. This seemed to "wake her up".

 

She changed bedrooms after that, and after a (short) while her ex moved out. Over the next months I really felt she started to fall in love with me. Our chemistry was great, both mentally and physically. And gradually I started to trust the process and her sincerity. During this time, we never had "the talk" about what we were - except one time when she said that she did not want to be "my waiting station" before I found someone "better". To which I replied "of course not", and "I could say the same thing to you".

 

Through spring and summer 2019 we spent a lot of time together. And it was great. The only thing that bothered me at times was our communication between seeing each other. She could take quite long to respond and/or to contact me. That is just who she is, and I even liked her ability to not being "on the phone / connected" at all times. That being said, it gave me some stress at times and I had to be honest with her about it. Which went down pretty fine.

 

Now, as time went I felt an increasing need to "define" what we were and where we were going.

 

Red flags? Very few, the only thing I can see in retrospect is that contact lessened a bit (not much, this is how she is in the first place) from her side just the very last few weeks, when she was on two holidays abroad.

 

Come last week: I thought she would be overjoyed when I said that "I really like you, and I really want to make this work / give us a proper shot going forward". Stupidly, I sort of bursted this out last tuesday during an otherwise nice phone-call in which we had decided to meet the following thursday. I was one hundred per cent sure she would reply in kind, and that it was a formality more than anything else and something which would bring us both joy.

 

Boy, was I wrong. She just became quiet. And finally said "I do not think we have more to go on as a couple". This, of course, hit me hard. I was dumbfounded, ended up becoming upset and crying. After hanging up, I was in shock - thus sending a few texts where I expressed my disbelief, that I did not want us to end and apologising for bringing it up over the phone.

 

The next day she suggested meeting on (last) thursday, to which I agreed. No sleep and a racing heart until we did. She visited me and I had prepared (written down) what I wanted to say. I told her what I liked about her, why it took some time for me to trust her and the process (given her ex and my fear of entering something too quickly), and that I really believed our bond and match deserved a chance.

 

She was almost entirely quiet, and all she could really say was "it does not feel right enough, I am surprised myself". I could not get her to talk beyond that. So she walked out the door to me saying "I am sorry, I just don't understand this, this cannot be right....but I respect your decision, and this is going to hurt so much. So I will be cutting contact...".

 

The following day (friday), and still utterly confused, I sent her an email saying that "I respect your decision. That said, I would welcome an explanation beyond what little you said last night - if possible. You know what I think and feel, and you find that (what I told you last evening) enclosed below - all the best".

 

What boggles my mind is how...seemingly in love she was until I raised the topic of "defining" our dating / relationship. Just a few days earlier we had dinner, with flowers and intimacy resembling a young couple in love. How can she tell me all kinds of nice things and refuse me to leave the bed... To me, that matters and means something substantial... I am so hurt and dumbfounded that she just pulls the plug like that.

 

In retrospect, I can only try to understand. She was "warmer" than I dared early on. It took some more time before I trusted her and the...process. And when I came around maybe she was...done on some underlying level? I just wish she / we could have communicated before it was too late. Maybe she is running away from her feelings? Maybe she is not ready for something serious?

 

Whatever the case, I am utterly devastated. I tried to protect my heart and failed miserabely. Just when I felt "safe" I got struck down. It all feels meaningless, and I am so tired. So tried from crying, so tired of trying, so tired of getting hurt. To be honest, it feels like it would be nice to just...give up.

 

Two days ago (monday) she replied to the email I sent her on friday:

 

"Hi, I just wanted to let you know I have seen your email / letter. And that I am thinking about it / considering it / reconsidering (not sure what the best english translation is). Hope that is alright".

 

It is impossible to tell what that second sentence refers to. I have not answered, and will not do so either.

 

I just miss my best friend.

I miss my lover.

I am still in shock.

It hurts just as much as before.

 

 

Thanks for reading, I figured I might as well write it out since I can't do anything else than cry at work.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry to hear this. It doesn't sound like she's a big communicator and you may have filled in the blanks a little. Is it possible that you fell in love with a woman that was half a figment of your imagination? She seems barely there. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who responds days later. You both never seemed like you were on the same page.

 

It takes awhile to reorient yourself but it will get better. Don't give up for good. Give up for now if you need time to space out.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for reaching out, I really appreciate it.

 

It doesn't sound like she's a big communicator... Is it possible that you fell in love with a woman that was half a figment of your imagination?

 

That is somewhat true. At least when it comes to feelings and relationship issues. My imagination? I do not think so to be honest.

 

She seems barely there. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who responds days later.

 

It was not quite that bad. It was some instances I felt she was..."someplace else". Rather I'd say she acted like we were an established couple when we were not together.

 

Beyond those occasions we became best friends and talked pretty much every day.

 

 

Have not heard from hear since the "Hi, I just wanted to let you know I have seen your email / letter. And that I am thinking about it / considering it / reconsidering (not sure what the best english translation is). Hope that is alright" on monday.

 

Clinging to a small hope that she will reconsider and start to communicate towards reconcilation. However, I do not feel it to be likely.

 

So yeah, I guess the band-aid ought to be finally ripped off soon. I am hurting enough as it is, but the aforementioned hope keeps me in limbo.

 

The nights are the worst. I dream about her and my thoughts about us which repeats throughout the day. So I sleep poorly and wake up feeling more exhausted than when I went to bed.

 

Beyond loosing her, I am scared from realising how poor my resilience seems to be. I think I need help. Be it medication, therapy and/or a "total break".

 

Sorry and embarassed as I am to admit it, it feels as if I can't really go on much longer like this.

 

As always, thanks for reading. I wish I could provide other hurting people with insights or hope - but I cannot. Not yet.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it sounds like she is stalling perhaps being "nice", but does not want to reconcile.

Have not heard from hear since the "Hi, I just wanted to let you know I have seen your email / letter. And that I am thinking about it / considering it / reconsidering (not sure what the best english translation is). Hope that is alright" on monday.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it sounds like she is stalling perhaps being "nice", but does not want to reconcile.

 

Yes, afraid so...

 

That being said, such behaviour goes against how smart and caring I know her to be. She knows very much that such stalling is anything but "nice".

 

Which makes it even sadder.

 

Ugh.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thank you for reaching out, I really appreciate it.

 

 

 

That is somewhat true. At least when it comes to feelings and relationship issues. My imagination? I do not think so to be honest.

 

 

 

It was not quite that bad. It was some instances I felt she was..."someplace else". Rather I'd say she acted like we were an established couple when we were not together.

 

Beyond those occasions we became best friends and talked pretty much every day.

 

 

Have not heard from hear since the "Hi, I just wanted to let you know I have seen your email / letter. And that I am thinking about it / considering it / reconsidering (not sure what the best english translation is). Hope that is alright" on monday.

 

Clinging to a small hope that she will reconsider and start to communicate towards reconcilation. However, I do not feel it to be likely.

 

So yeah, I guess the band-aid ought to be finally ripped off soon. I am hurting enough as it is, but the aforementioned hope keeps me in limbo.

 

The nights are the worst. I dream about her and my thoughts about us which repeats throughout the day. So I sleep poorly and wake up feeling more exhausted than when I went to bed.

 

Beyond loosing her, I am scared from realising how poor my resilience seems to be. I think I need help. Be it medication, therapy and/or a "total break".

 

Sorry and embarassed as I am to admit it, it feels as if I can't really go on much longer like this.

 

As always, thanks for reading. I wish I could provide other hurting people with insights or hope - but I cannot. Not yet.

 

Gosh, I could read the sadness and pain in your words. I'm very sorry this is happening. You shouldn't feel embarrassed for feeling the way you do. What I found in dark times was that good company was often the best medicine. After getting off the phone or being with a good friend chatting for an hour or so about other things, it always made the burden much lighter to bear. I don't think you have poor resilience. You're just feeling down and that's perfectly ok. Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

Sometimes what also helps is not having too many expectations of yourself while you try and get back to your usual self. If you can't sleep as well, ok, so what. If you need a day off from work (I'm talking about one vacation day off or personal day), take that personal day and do something nice for yourself. Or take the afternoon or morning off/ a half day. Take yourself out to a nice place, get a concert ticket, take a drive out or go see a movie and buy the biggest popcorn with a beer or glass of wine and get the VIP seats. I sometimes do that and head straight for the VIP lounge. The theater's a little nicer. I think you just need some TLC. You're the best person for that so take care of yourself.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry for the double post, but I cannot seem edit older posts on mobile...

 

I have one question though: Should I just leave her be, or push for closure to get out of limbo (and face the certainty that the relationship is over)?

 

Edit:

 

Rose, you posted while I wrote the above question.

 

Thank you so very much for your kind words and support.

 

Your suggestions are great. That said, as of today, all I can manage is talking with friends and having people around me whom I trust. It seems such a long way off to do something nice for myself, alone.

 

For some reason, just the thought of going to a movie or concert alone makes me cry. I guess it is because those were «our» things, and the pain is raw.

 

Thanks again.

Edited by H3nk1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Sorry for the double post, but I cannot seem edit older posts on mobile...

 

I have one question though: Should I just leave her be, or push for closure to get out of limbo (and face the certainty that the relationship is over)?

 

It's your call... I don't think you have anything left to lose except your pride. If she doesn't respond and it's worse of an answer, how would that make you feel? Are you sure you're not just wanting a reaction (any reaction) from her because you're lonely?

Link to post
Share on other sites

(I edited / replied above^)

 

To be honest, the main reason for not pushing through closure is my faint hope that she MAY actually need time and space to reflect. At the same time, this hope keeps me stuck. She would respond if I contacted her.

 

So there is hope and fear vs. getting closure and facing reality. I don’t know what to do. And maybe that is okay too.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sorry for the double post, but I cannot seem edit older posts on mobile...

 

I have one question though: Should I just leave her be, or push for closure to get out of limbo (and face the certainty that the relationship is over)?

 

Edit:

 

Rose, you posted while I wrote the above question.

 

Thank you so very much for your kind words and support.

 

Your suggestions are great. That said, as of today, all I can manage is talking with friends and having people around me whom I trust. It seems such a long way off to do something nice for myself, alone.

 

For some reason, just the thought of going to a movie or concert alone makes me cry.

 

Thanks again.

 

Then don't worry about doing anything alone. Be with friends who love and support you. See what your cousins or siblings are up to also if you have any close by or if you're close to any of them. Resiliency is just the short form for 'one day at a time' and doing what's best for you. So... one day at a time.

 

Re post#9: I'd speak with her when you're feeling a bit more of yourself again. Maybe give yourself the weekend(this weekend) to put things in some perspective and collect your thoughts. I could be wrong. I feel like you're hurting quite a bit right now and reeling from disappointment/sadness.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don’t think you truly healed from your first breakup.

 

You stated there were ‘few’ red flags but... she was still sleeping in the same room as her ex boyfriend... I think it’s possible her unavailability is what drew you to her to begin with. Proving yourself worthy, it may be the type of relationships you seek.

 

I think it may be time to seek the help of a counselor.

 

Yes the pain is just as bad, it’s compounded, now instead of one breakup you’re healing from two, I’m sorry. Try not to rebound again, it’s very unhealthy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
You stated there were ‘few’ red flags but... she was still sleeping in the same room as her ex boyfriend... I think it’s possible her unavailability is what drew you to her to begin with. Proving yourself worthy, it may be the type of relationships you seek.

 

I do not think so, to be honest. Rather, when I learned of this around new years 2018/19, I made it clear that I did not appreciate it. We had just started dating around that time. And I thus kept distance until he had moved out. So it pushed me away initially.

 

I don’t think you truly healed from your first breakup.

 

I think it may be time to seek the help of a counselor.

 

Yes the pain is just as bad, it’s compounded, now instead of one breakup you’re healing from two, I’m sorry. Try not to rebound again, it’s very unhealthy.

 

That might be right... I did feel comfortable to start dating again, though. A rebound? It did not feel like it at the time, and I do not consider it as such now. Maybe that will change.

 

I have already arranged for a session with the counselor I talked with following my former break-up.

 

I do need help. Still haven’t heard from her.

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I do not think so, to be honest. Rather, when I learned of this around new years 2018/19, I made it clear that I did not appreciate it. We had just started dating around that time. And I thus kept distance until he had moved out. So it pushed me away initially.

 

You don’t seem to recognize that she was not dating material at all. It didn’t really push you away you still circled until he moved out meaning you were still in the picture. You gave her no time between relationships. Just because she told you she emotionally checked out doesn’t mean it’s true. When it comes to matters of the heart you have to be your own advocate. Set boundaries and follow them. Rebounding is a big red flag.

 

 

 

That might be right... I did feel comfortable to start dating again, though. A rebound? It did not feel like it at the time, and I do not consider it as such now. Maybe that will change.

 

I have already arranged for a session with the counselor I talked with following my former break-up.

 

I do need help. Still haven’t heard from her.

 

Excellent.

 

I hope you’re able to work through everything.

 

It will be ok, take things one day at a time.

 

You very well may not hear from her.

 

Think back to the ex before you, he was discarded as well wasn’t he? There’s a saying pay attention to how they treat other people. It’s often a mirror of how they will treat you. For your own emotional health it’s best you don’t hear from her, she doesn’t seem to be too mindful of other people’s feelings.

Link to post
Share on other sites

She called. Had wanted to call all week and had tried several times to write a letter back - but did not feel comfortable with how they ended up.

 

It was...a nice yet utterly devastating talk. My heart is in pieces. She, on the other hand, now have her conscience clean and can cross it of the to-do list.

 

Anyhow: Her choice is made. I told her I would not pursue, even though I would like nothing more than to fight and/or work with her towards reconciliation.

 

I am so hurt by the fact that she does not find me or "us" worth taking further. I sincerely believed we had a meaningful and "one-of-a-kind" (yeah, I know how stupid it sounds) bond - both mentally and physically.

 

What makes it particularly painful is that in our last conversation, she demonstrated the very qualities that made me fall for her in the first place. She is smart, kind, honest and caring. Her clarity and reflections are those of a woman I deeply respect and admire. I have no reason to be angry or bitter.

 

She was kind enough to not drag me through a laundry-list of reasons as to why she is leaving me. Rather, she stressed that the few minor negative things that had occured would have been easily fixable if she had had the motivation to communicate with me towards building a relationship. And when that intrinsic motivation is missing, it has to end.

 

I am terrified of facing down this pain and deal with the grief. I need to address core aspects of my life, and to do so - I need help. As such, I am glad (well, not "glad" but at least I am doing something...) I already have made an appointment with my former therapist.

 

This rejection is...shattering. For several reasons. This is the first woman I could actually picture a future with - without fooling myself.

 

That said, I MUST try to appreciate that it is the idea of "us" I am in love with? That the pain stems from the loss of a possible future? She cannot have been "the one" now can she? If she was, things would have turned out differently...no? I do not know, my head is spinning.

 

Ugh, tonight will be brutal. I would not wish heartbreak on anyone

Edited by H3nk1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I am disconnected from the world. It passes by and I am outside looking in, not able to take part. The emotional pain is severe, and I am scared of becoming stuck.

 

It is very hard not to ruminate over what has happened, why, how and about the many what-ifs. It is very hard not to berate- and be very cruel to myself. The voice in my head is not my friend.

 

First meeting with my therapist was alright. I am so done with retrospection - previous therapy has done more than enough of that. No more. I need to tackle this head-on and on a much more practical level. As such, I have arranged for 3 treatments with ketamine for depression (the first clinic in my country who offers this treatment-option) over the next week or so. After that, I will follow up with the therapist.

 

There seems to be a war going on in my head. On one side, I have the voice of previous losses (this one included). With all their associated hurt, self-blame and "established truths" about myself and my relationships (i.e. "I will always be alone / abondoned", "I am not enough"). On the other side is the voice of compassion, reason and reality - which provides the only way to get through this and heal.

 

I am scared because the latter voice is so weak, compared to the one which makes life hell. But I cannot give up.

 

If anyone have books to recommend and/or other resources which might be helpful going forward - I would be grateful for suggestions.

 

The nights and dreams are the worst. But maybe that is just part of the process...

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh, buddy - I've been there.

 

Almost identically to you, I was there in July.

 

It's a hard, hard fall from the top when someone cuts it off during the honeymoon period.

 

It's miserable to suddenly have a lover/confidant/friend in the blink of an eye become none of those things. It's akin to having them die, as the person you knew seems to no longer exist and in their place stands a new person who is entirely different.

 

You're not alone, it's part of life. It's an awful feeling similar to betrayal because you are now stuck with the memories of someone telling you this wouldn't happen and you allowed your guard to be let down for that and fall for someone who, in turn, did exactly what they assured you wouldn't happen.

 

What you need to do right now is respect yourself and just back away. You will not change her mind by lingering around or communicating with her and you're going to stall your own healing if you stick around. You're also 100% not in the right mind you want to be for communicating to her; trust me - you need to give yourself time away from any communication for her and you'll be thankful you did in a couple months. Also, doing that does not make her just "move on" - it makes you "move on"; she's already made her choice - she can watch you be a gentleman about it, accept it and go.

 

Long-term, it will save you your dignity and leave you looking better in retrospect to anyone who begs/pleads/reaches out for protracted periods of time.

 

I feel for you and I promise you'll get through it. Like I said, I've been there. It's horrid.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I am disconnected from the world. It passes by and I am outside looking in, not able to take part. The emotional pain is severe, and I am scared of becoming stuck.

 

It is very hard not to ruminate over what has happened, why, how and about the many what-ifs. It is very hard not to berate- and be very cruel to myself. The voice in my head is not my friend.

 

First meeting with my therapist was alright. I am so done with retrospection - previous therapy has done more than enough of that. No more. I need to tackle this head-on and on a much more practical level. As such, I have arranged for 3 treatments with ketamine for depression (the first clinic in my country who offers this treatment-option) over the next week or so. After that, I will follow up with the therapist.

 

There seems to be a war going on in my head. On one side, I have the voice of previous losses (this one included). With all their associated hurt, self-blame and "established truths" about myself and my relationships (i.e. "I will always be alone / abondoned", "I am not enough"). On the other side is the voice of compassion, reason and reality - which provides the only way to get through this and heal.

 

I am scared because the latter voice is so weak, compared to the one which makes life hell. But I cannot give up.

 

If anyone have books to recommend and/or other resources which might be helpful going forward - I would be grateful for suggestions.

 

The nights and dreams are the worst. But maybe that is just part of the process...

 

I'd say stick with the practical methods and I mean the most practical of practical. This means getting adequate nourishment (good food in you) and staying hydrated. When we're worried or down these things switch off for many people and fall to the wayside. You're focusing so much of your emotional and mental health and I'm worried about your physical health as they're all tied together.

 

Start ingesting new material mentally if you can help it. This means seeing, doing, engaging in activities outside of the house (exercising) or outside of your comfort zone. I don't normally read in anything but English but there are times I'll switch to a different language on a news site and read in a different language that I'm not fluent in. The slower and more difficult read means I'm ingesting new material constantly and keeping my mind entertained in the process, learning new words or a new way of forming a sentence. This is just a random suggestion though. Some people like to cook or do art etc.

 

Your voice will start getting stronger from the inside. You don't have to make big plans. Start from the inside out. Don't be afraid. We've all been here and we're rooting for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Also, the dreams will linger for a while - I used to dream vividly that I was waking up next to her only to see myself alone.

 

Time away. You need to have time away from her and it will sort itself out mentally and you will move on; but until that happens, you need to accept that you're here now - you've hit the dirt after the fall and you're in pain. Give yourself a break, you're wounded and healing. Ruminating, dreaming, what-if'ing, wanting to somehow fix everything - that's all normal and part of this early process.

 

Accept that it's normal, accept that you're going through the hardest part right now and give yourself a break. You're not flawed - you're experiencing something that so many have experienced that more than half of all music is about this feeling right now. That's not a flaw, that's you being f*ing normal and experiencing one of life's worst feelings every normal person has or will have to experience.

 

You'd be flawed if you weren't able to feel this right now. As much a relief that would sound, you also want to be able to experience the good parts of the relationship again and you are capable of it.

 

Give yourself a break, ride this out.

 

Lots of people turn to music, but honestly - the sad, depressing music about a breakup isn't helpful; it's just where you're at. I personally suggest the Fu Fighter's "Is Someone Getting the Best of You?" because right now, someone has; and you need to regain control of your heart and heal.

 

You got this - you're in the footsteps of so many others who have been there and made it through, you'll be helping someone else in this exact situation soon enough.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Oh, buddy - I've been there.

 

Almost identically to you, I was there in July.

 

It's a hard, hard fall from the top when someone cuts it off during the honeymoon period.

 

It's miserable to suddenly have a lover/confidant/friend in the blink of an eye become none of those things. It's akin to having them die, as the person you knew seems to no longer exist and in their place stands a new person who is entirely different.

 

Oh it is hard alright. I smile as I write this, as it feels like the biggest understatement of my last few years. The world is dream-like, in the worst possible way, and it seems as if the mind and body can only take in very small bits of reality at a time.

 

I am really sorry you faced a similar situation this summer. How are you doing now?

 

What you need to do right now is respect yourself and just back away. You will not change her mind by lingering around or communicating with her and you're going to stall your own healing if you stick around. You're also 100% not in the right mind you want to be for communicating to her; trust me - you need to give yourself time away from any communication for her and you'll be thankful you did in a couple months. Also, doing that does not make her just "move on" - it makes you "move on"; she's already made her choice - she can watch you be a gentleman about it, accept it and go.

 

Long-term, it will save you your dignity and leave you looking better in retrospect to anyone who begs/pleads/reaches out for protracted periods of time.

 

I will not pursue or make contact. Indeed, her handling and (lack of) communication before, during and after this...ordeal is a big red flag to me.

 

Also, the dreams will linger for a while - I used to dream vividly that I was waking up next to her only to see myself alone.

 

Aw man... It is exhausting, and waking up the the nightmare that is reality right now makes coping hard. It is like getting sucker-punched in the solar plexus the moment consciousness returns.

 

Accept that it's normal, accept that you're going through the hardest part right now and give yourself a break. You're not flawed - you're experiencing something that so many have experienced that more than half of all music is about this feeling right now. That's not a flaw, that's you being f*ing normal and experiencing one of life's worst feelings every normal person has or will have to experience.

 

You got this - you're in the footsteps of so many others who have been there and made it through, you'll be helping someone else in this exact situation soon enough.

 

Thank you so much for reaching out, it says a great deal about you and how...transformative heartbreak can be. The pain is humbling, and while the heart is broken - it is broken open.

 

I'd say stick with the practical methods and I mean the most practical of practical. This means getting adequate nourishment (good food in you) and staying hydrated. When we're worried or down these things switch off for many people and fall to the wayside. You're focusing so much of your emotional and mental health and I'm worried about your physical health as they're all tied together.

 

I try to eat and sleep. The mind clearly exhaust the system... Even though my work-out routine is on hold, I loose weight despite trying to eat both properly and enough.

 

Start ingesting new material mentally if you can help it. This means seeing, doing, engaging in activities outside of the house (exercising) or outside of your comfort zone.

 

Your voice will start getting stronger from the inside. You don't have to make big plans. Start from the inside out. Don't be afraid. We've all been here and we're rooting for you.

 

I am listening to audio-books on loss. That is pretty much what I can handle when I am alone. I went to a lecture on philosophy on tuesday. I will attend a different one today. It is hard, but I do think it is important to force myself out of my house - even though the pain and disconnect is present in whatever I am doing...

 

This is very hard. So thank you for rooting for me. It means a lot!

Edited by H3nk1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Time buddy; gotta give time and keep focus on doing life despite her being stuck in your head right now. Been about three months for me and while I still think of her every single day, it has gotten better than when I was where you were.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Time buddy; gotta give time and keep focus on doing life despite her being stuck in your head right now. Been about three months for me and while I still think of her every single day, it has gotten better than when I was where you were.

 

Glad to hear it has gotten better..! Thanks for chiming in, Ryan.

 

Review of the first week of full NC since she called me last sunday:

 

Time seems to move very...slow.

 

I have had two treatments (ketamine), and those have given me some «air / space» to handle the pain and most destructive thought patterns. One more treatment planned tomorrow, and then I will follow up with my therapist on tuesday.

 

This time, I will fight heartbreak and (reawakened) depression with everything I got. Spending months in a black, despondent and lonely place is not an option for me anymore. For that I am too old, too tired and too fed-up.

 

I try to think rationally in-between the waves of grief and hurt. She left. I tried. I do not pursue. And, while I am very dissapointed - it is literally absurd to seek reconciliation or a relationship with someone that does not want to be with...me and/or put in the work.

 

Nights are still the worst. Those vivid dreams seem so real, and I still feel like I am waking up to a nightmare.

 

Today, I went to the christening of one of my best friend’s 6 weeks old son. It is tough meeting your friends - all settling down and becoming families (I am 34). It was nice to see them, yet very...lonely. I got through it with just one bout of crying in the bathroom.

 

Damnit, I miss her so very much.

 

Sigh, so that is week one. Watching football at my local pub and writing here. My heartfelt empathy to everyone who are going through the throes of heartbreak.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm 34 too, buddy - watching Football right now myself; although it's our American version and we watch in a bar :p

 

Here's the thing to remember; all around you everyone is at a different part in life - some are single, some are married, some have kids ... yet everyone has to potential to be incredibly unhappy with where they are and wish they could trade places with another. The number of unhappy marriages, unhappy families, unfulfilled hearts that settled... there are plenty of wonderful marriages out there and couples who fell in true love and there are just as many that went for 'good enough' or worse, are married and waking up each day realizing they made a mistake with the wrong person and it's a long and painful road to try to walk back on.

 

You're heartbroken, but you're also single. You're one step away from the perfect relationship, utterly free to do you and be you while knowing what you want from your previous relationship ... I know married people who in their darkest moments, envy to have that again.

 

So don't compare yourself to others, focus on you instead. And try to focus on not self-loathing; she left your life. She left someone who clearly would have given anything to have her go. This is her loss in the end; we should all be so lucky as to find anyone who cares as much as someone who loves us does. But focus on you and use this to re-calibrate yourself and your life to make it better than even before.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Also, yes, first month and a half I hoped to anything that would listen that she would call or text; we ended when everything seemed to be going so great and fun because she said that while she was in love with me, she was scared to commit to a relationship (she had left another guy for myself after we had met) and - while I have had plenty of partners in life - afterwards, for the first time in my life, someone leaving had hit me like a ton of bricks falling off a skyscraper.

 

Three months in now, while I miss her terribly and still have the occasional dream with her in it; I'm at a point where I honestly don't think I would take her back if she called. It would be a restart entirely and I'd maybe get a coffee with her just to feel it out; however, realistically if I was to date her again I'd be concerned she would just drop me like a sack again the first sign of trouble. I'm no one's fall-back option and in the words of the great Gloria Gaynor, "I'm saving all my loving for someone who's loving me" lol.

 

 

If you could choose a life of wonderful, thrilling ups and crushing, Earth-rattling lows - or a life of steady mediocrity where not much changes; would you really choose the second? I know I wouldn't, but that also means I need to accept it when I'm in a crushing, Earth-rattling low.

 

You'll get there. Just takes time and you have plenty of that.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...