After guys meet me in person they say im "not bad looking"?

[kim42]

Sakura, please find help before you attract a creepy man who will end up hurting you.You mentioned your dad is controlling, you're 23, can you try moving out? I don't know what's going on in your life, but you really should not be dating right now.

[Sakura123]

Yea I'll get into therapy and yes I do work. I work at a grocery store. I did however ask casually some guys if they found a girl attractive in person then would they find it offputting to where they dont want a second date with her if she asks how she looks or if shes attractive and they all said no they wouldn't find it offputting. I didnt tell them about my dating life or whatever this was just a quick post on Askmen on reddit about if they would find it offputting but they said no. I believe i need to work on my self esteem but I just was curious to see for sure if men really did find it a turn off cause lots of people in my posts seem to be women Idk and women think differently than men .

[Batya33]

Yea I'll get into therapy and yes I do work. I work at a grocery store. I did however ask casually some guys if they found a girl attractive in person then would they find it offputting to where they dont want a second date with her if she asks how she looks or if shes attractive and they all said no they wouldn't find it offputting. I didnt tell them about my dating life or whatever this was just a quick post on Askmen on reddit about if they would find it offputting but they said no. I believe i need to work on my self esteem but I just was curious to see for sure if men really did find it a turn off cause lots of people in my posts seem to be women Idk and women think differently than men .

 

I don't think you can go by what strangers on the internet tell you -you have no idea what their real age or gender is for one thing. What do you think you can do to work on your self esteem? What steps are you planning to take?

[Hollyj]

Do you have any friends?

 

Do you have interests that include other people? Not just things at home?

[Hollyj]

It's not your looks! It is your low self esteem and asking people about your looks!

 

Stop asking people and get help. You have a big problem!

[Wiseman2]

The only person who matters is you. Stop asking boys/dates about your looks. That means being confident. It means not telling them about any prior dating disappointments. Everyone who has tried online dating has had plenty of one-and-done meets. It's a nature of it. It's not personal.

 

If that means getting a new look or hairstyle or outfit, do that. If it means volunteering at the library or hospital or animal shelter, do that. If it means taking some courses or classes to broaden your job opportunities, do that.

I'll get into therapy and yes I do work. I didnt tell them about my dating life or whatever this was just a quick post on Askmen on reddit about if they would find it offputting.

[Hollyj]

The majority of people are average to not so great looking, yet they find partners. This is about your neediness, insecurities and negativity you bring to dates. No one wants to hang out with that. It is exhausting.

 

I am sure you will not absorb this, as it is easier to blame your looks than address your personality.

 

I also believe suggest that you try volunteering to focus on others and stop obsessing over yourself!

[Rose Mosse]

Then this guy who seemed okay with meeting my dad , actually he knows my dad is kind of controlling and sometimes abusive and he has a dad like that too but the guy that made an excuse to leave early cause my dad showed up and he got a feeling something was off....

 

I guess I keep asking them cause I feel like they are lying when they say "yes I'm pretty" or the rare times a guy has complimented me on a first date. I didnt believe my ex when he said he liked me or was attracted to me.

 

Sakura, you need real help from a psychologist and possibly additional help working through your feelings of insecurity and abuse at home. If you're coming from an unhealthy and destructive environment at home, you're not going to feel good about yourself. You've latched onto concepts of beauty and have issues with your self-image that are not normal for the average person.

 

Try working with a psychologist or someone qualified in helping you with issues regarding self-worth and self-esteem. Learn to separate emotional abuse from your sense of identity.

[boltnrun]

Why is it so very important to you that men find you "pretty "?

 

Where did you get this laser focus on looks above all else?

[Sakura123]

Is it possible a couple of these guys said "im not bad looking " or not too bad looking" cause I asked them more than once about my looks to where they got a little tired of it so they said something slightly negative? Is it also possible these guys or at least some thought i looked as good as my pics but once they met me despite knowing already about my past rejections, they stopped finding me attractive because of the negative energy or vibe i may be putting out or the question asking? Since you said it's not really about looks?

[Wiseman2]

Absolutely it's about perception and the aura you give off.

Is it also possible these guys or at least some thought i looked as good as my pics but once they met me despite knowing already about my past rejections, they stopped finding me attractive because of the negative energy or vibe i may be putting out or the question asking? Since you said it's not really about looks?

[Hollyj]

It's the negativity, insecurity, crying, need for validation etc....

 

Please seek help!

[kim42]

Delete all dating apps, seek a therapist, you need to change your mindset completely.

[Batya33]

Is it possible a couple of these guys said "im not bad looking " or not too bad looking" cause I asked them more than once about my looks to where they got a little tired of it so they said something slightly negative? Is it also possible these guys or at least some thought i looked as good as my pics but once they met me despite knowing already about my past rejections, they stopped finding me attractive because of the negative energy or vibe i may be putting out or the question asking? Since you said it's not really about looks?

 

I think your question probably irritated these men who barely were acquainted with you and asking more than once is approaching creepy, if not creepy. If someone who overshared with me upon first meeting me then texted me asking me what I thought about his/her physical features, more than once, my goal would be to get that person to leave me alone without provoking the person because I would assume the person was not stable. I probably would not respond at all. "Not bad looking" is better than "I found you attractive" because you might then misinterpret that as interest in continuing the interaction. These near strangers wanted you to stop texting without being confrontational so "not bad looking" did not encourage a further response from you -or so they hoped.

 

Please do seek therapy because if you continue not to have an appropriate sense of boundaries you might find yourself in a situation where people are angry with you and not just irritated or annoyed.

[boltnrun]

Why is it so very important to you that men find you "pretty "?

 

Where did you get this laser focus on looks above all else?

 

Quoting myself because you didn't answer this. Still wondering.

[Sakura123]

Alright I got it.

[Sakura123]

So basically even if you thought the guy was good looking or looked as good as his pics you would still probably be creeped out if he did those things basically?

[Sakura123]

Quoting myself because you didn't answer this. Still wondering.

 

Because guys especially the men on reddit are always talking about how looks matter in dating . I see all kinds of women in relationships though not just super models. I even see below average lpoking people dating hot people then i worry about being uglier than all the people im dating or possibly hideous .

[Batya33]

So basically even if you thought the guy was good looking or looked as good as his pics you would still probably be creeped out if he did those things basically?

 

Of course! Looks matter of course -I had to be attracted to his looks - but if he acted in an insecure way when we met or early on I'd see that as a red flag and depending on what he did I'd likely stop dating him. I didn't date to have arm candy. I was looking for someone to spend my life with.

[Sakura123]

I was just on Facebook last night and I have these people in my friends that i went to school with and some are guys, we dont talk or anything but I made a post asking "if a woman you met on a dating site looked like her pics and you thought she was good looking, would you still see her again if she asked you if she looked like her pics and thought she was attractive and she seemed worried about you thought of her cause she's been hurt in the past, would that turn you off or make you not want to see her again?" A handful of guys like 5 answered and they said no they would still give her a second date and one said if she asked once or twice its cool but could get annoying or something like that and another said he would understand and give her a chance cause he knows how guys on dating apps are. These Facebook guys don't know about my dating life story it was just to see if men thought the same way as the ladies do about this stuff and me trying to confirm it doesnt have anything to do with not looking like my pics. Why are guys saying it wouldn't bother them ? :/

[Batya33]

So a couple of things about how you’re finding information. First of all guys are people. Guys are individuals. Individual people - men and women - react individually to all of these issues - dating, looks, acting needy or insecure, etc. so polling people on Facebook makes little sense at all. Even moreso because you’re typing a general question. It’s not even a back and forth conversation.

Also big deal if someone would go on one more date. That means almost nothing as far as whether there is potential for a relationship. Many people go on three or four dates before deciding whether there is enough in common to keep seeing the person. A person might be on the fence for the first four dates and stop then (because many people don’t want to lead the person on and go on a fifth date if there’s still a lot of doubt as to basic stuff like am I attracted at all to this person and do we have enough in common.

Another basic truth. Healthy people are put off by people who overshare or act the insecure when first meeting - whether it’s for dating or friendship. And it’s self absorbed - the oversharing person usually talks the most and by definition isn’t interested in getting to know the other person. She’s just interested in dumping all her personal stuff right away and focused on “does he like me???”

 

Rather than “hmm he said he likes musical theater - I wonder if he acts or just goes to shows ?” Or “he said he went hiking once in Yosemite national park. I wonder if he had a tent or stayed in a cabin?” The oversharer is so focused on herself and getting approval and validation it never occurs to her to listen or ask a question about the other person’s interests.

Of course some guys will give a gal a second chance - some girls will give a guy a second chance who acts insecure- big deal. Instead of polling on Facebook I’d asked you what you plan to do - what steps - to increase your self esteem. You haven’t answered yet.

[Sakura123]

Im not sure, I dont have the money to move away from my verbally abusive father right now. I told my other family members about him and they weren't really understanding, my family isn't super close eighter and the only people I talk to are people at work but i don't share personal stuff with them. I think of losing weight but sometimes i get so depressed I lack motivation.

[Batya33]

Im not sure, I dont have the money to move away from my verbally abusive father right now. I told my other family members about him and they weren't really understanding, my family isn't super close eighter and the only people I talk to are people at work but i don't share personal stuff with them. I think of losing weight but sometimes i get so depressed I lack motivation.

 

Yes, I understand you are in a challenging situation right now. You don't need "motivation" you simply have to take action even if it's hard. Bribe yourself (not with food) if needed. How about if tomorrow you walk really fast outside or inside for one minute -time yourself. Then each day after that double the time. Do this until every single day you are walking as fast as you can for 30 minutes. Listen to music or podcasts or audiobooks with headphones on if that helps. And, promise yourself that every day you will either run up and down a flight of stairs or walk further to a parking spot, or dance in your room to music -fast dancing. Something that moves your body.

Then, look into what kind of volunteer opportunities are available where you can interact with other people. Maybe a local soup kitchen , working backstage at a community theater, helping out at your local library, etc. Commit to spending 1-2 hours over the next week looking for an opportunity. Follow up on whatever looks interesting and that you can do when you are not at work.

 

Every single day do a small kindness. Go out of your way to hold the door for someone, offer to get one of your coworkers a drink or coffee while you're going to go get a snack or lunch, ask someone how they are doing today, with a smile, etc.

 

Every single night before you go to sleep think of either three good things that happened that day -even teeny tiny things -or three things you are grateful for, even teeny tiny things.

 

Look up Martha Beck on the internet. Read some of her articles about self esteem.

 

Thinking of losing weight does nothing to lose weight. Losing weight requires taking actions. So tomorrow commit to drinking at least 8 glasses of plain water, commit to decreasing all sugary drinks by at least half and then half again, commit to not eating between healthful meals and if you are starving eat a banana or a piece of fruit you've packed in advance. Find a weight watchers chapter in your community and send an email. Even if you feel depressed. Do it anyway.

[Wiseman2]

You need to get off troll sites like that. Also what is the big deal about pics vs in person? You meet a guy briefly for coffee after a couple messages and either you like him or you don't. It's that simple.

Because guys especially the men on reddit are always talking about how looks matter in dating.

[purplepaisley]

Sakura, I've read through this whole thread, and it is a painful, painful thread. I echo every other poster that you are NOT in a place to date right now, and you need to work on your self-esteem and confidence. Wearing sunglasses throughout a date and bursting into tears and needing constant validation are ALL wrong and non-starters. Sure, any guy might try date #2, maybe even #3 because they were attracted to the fantasy of the profile, and the text messages prior to meeting were great. First dates can be awkward and people slip up, and let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater, right? See if the next one is better.

 

You are profoundly insecure and probably depressed. You are unhappy with your curves. Batya has some really great suggestions in *moving* and getting some endorphins running around the blood stream. You can do tiny, small acts. Your self-esteem will improve dramatically, which will motivate you to do more. It's not an easy process; you have to FORCE yourself to do these things sometimes, despite how tired and down you are, but the "good feels" tend to get that momentum going...you can list 3 things you want to accomplish every day...and STICK to it.

 

There are a lot of men out there who like curvy girls, but if you burst into tears and need constant validation, you are basically too exhausting and too needy. No one wants to be a babysitter or a therapist on a date or in a long-term relationship. If I were a guy, I wouldn't date you. I would probably take on a second date because first dates can be awkward, and we connected well through the app, but the need to constantly validate you, deal with your crying, and wearing sunglasses the whole time would put a full stop on any future. I would not do it. I want to date an adult, not a petulant toddler.

 

In the theme of Batya's post, buy yourself a planner and write down three things to accomplish every day. Seriously seek moving out of the abusive household. You have to work to sever ties with negativity. You will likely have to do without luxuries you have become accustomed to, but I promise you, the freedom and confidence you feel when you are no longer under the thumb of an abuser far outweighs the fact that you can't pay for Starbucks every day, you have to pack lunches, you can't subscribe to Netflix for awhile, and you have to downscale your groceries and you have to budget your money for hair, mani-pedis, clothing...you will pick your priorities. Go generic and do some of these things on your own. A good foot soak and painting your own nails while working a needlepoint or watching shows on the one paid program luxury you allow yourself can be really cathartic.

 

The bottom line is you need to love yourself and enjoy being your own best friend. No man can provide this for you. When he finds you hot and pretty and likes spending time with you, that's just frosting. You can put frosting on a turd, and it's still a turd. If you put frosting on perfection cake, it enhances the experience. You need to be the perfection cake.