Jump to content
'

Recommended Posts

I have been with my boyfriend a few months. I adore him, he's like no one I've ever been with before. We are extremely similar in terms of what we like, our childhoods etc., we are just different cultures. We live an hour from one another so we are technically in a LDR.

 

Anyway, things sort of played out like a "perfect" relationship when we were dating. We took it very slowly in terms of having sex (didn't have sex until 3 months into dating), but we would spend vast amounts of time together (our first date for example was 12 hours long!). We have connected on a very deep level - he has cried in front of me numerous times in relation to, for example, his PTSD. We've been on holiday together for a week abroad, and he has said things to me such as "I would marry you" or "this is my last relationship" and would say stuff like "I can't believe someone like you actually exists" or "you're so out of my league". We are very similar personalities, and we have become best friends as well as partners in the last few months.

 

Annnnyway, last few weeks have been stressful. He got a promotion, moved house and started working weekends (when we used to have our 12 hour dates). We also had our first argument over something silly that I posted about on here (about waiting in a coffee shop for him to do a run and him picking me up late) for which he said the relationship was over. After a week of silence he met up with me said he overreacted and apologised and asked to get back together. He worked this weekend, but I slept over at his apartment so that we could see each other for a few hours each night. He was really busy running around sorting decorators and stuff for the flat, so we didnt get a chance to properly communicate. We did cuddle/have sex/talk about some stuff but he had to go to bed early for work so we didn't do a lot. I also had a chest infection so was bed bound most of the time.

 

This week, we had a disagreement because of someone he was contacting on Instagram. I told him I was upset. He blanked me for 2 days.

 

Now he has called me saying that I am sabotaging the relationship, leaving him constantly confused and that we are "always arguing" (we've had two arguments). He then said that things have changed between us and that's the elephant in the room. I said it's always awkward after a first argument and it takes time for things to go back to normal, and that, because he has been so busy lately, we haven't had time to communicate properly like we usually do.

 

He said "I don't know" and "I don't know how we will get back to how it was". He said we should speak about it later on tonight or tomorrow. He said he was so busy and that he didn't spend time with his friends anymore and that nothing has really changed in his week that would mean we spent less time together (apart from he now works weekends, when we would usually spend time togethter, or that he now spends his weekends sorting out his house move) so that can't explain the distance between us.

 

...EH?

 

I am extremely confused and upset. I feel like the two small disagreements we've had have blown up into massive issues. I can't help but feel the silent treatment makes it all so much worse.

 

I don't know what to do. I want to suggest we just make time for each other like we normally do, instead of always seeing each other at the weekend even if it means I am left in his city whilst he works, even if that means seeing each other less. But is there any point?

 

Would you break up with someone who complained once about who they contacted on Instagram?

 

I would usually let someone walk, but we had/have such a good relationship usually. It seems like such a waste. I've never felt a connection like ours. Any ideas?

 

 

 

TL;DR: my sort of LDR boyfriend is about to break up with me over a second minor disagreement saying things have changed between us. What's happened?

Link to post
Share on other sites

He's considering someone local. This is why he's suddenly so busy and why you are suddenly "arguing too much". He's trying to find a way out, sorry. Pull way back from this, so you can reflect in peace. Stop running up there. He's using the 'invitation to leave' technique to get out of the relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I live nearly an hour's drive from my boyfriend and we have never considered ourselves as being in a long distance relationship. Can't you meet somewhere halfway one or two evenings if weekends are now an issue?

 

As for the Instagram maybe he doesn't feel you have the right to determine who he can or can't contact on it. However, if he's contacting exes or half naked women then that would suggest a disrespectful attitude towards you and your relationship which only you can decide if you're willing to tolerate.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You said he has PTSD....well that means he lacks coping skills. Any argument he's running because he can't handle it. Nothing you can do about that BUT what's disturbing is that he hasn't taken any accountability for his part in the arguments. Instead he diverts and blames you for everything. I guess the PTSD and the effects of it, is starting to unravel. I doubt very highly things will go back to what it was like before. This is who he is. And BTW never take "I want to marry you, etc" as a promise, it's just TALK and nothing more. I think it's time to cut the cord, move on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I feel like the two small disagreements we've had have blown up into massive issues

 

Sounds like his perception of those arguments is different from yours. Maybe they trigger him and cause him to have unwanted thoughts and feelings that he is trying to leave behind... Or maybe those arguments are the culmination of a bunch of bickering and salty comments that have been happening for awhile... At the end of the day, what matters is that he sees them as a bigger deal than you do, perhaps as a deal breaker in the relationship.

 

In answer to your question... if someone was trying to micromanage who I talked to on social media then yes I would consider that a red flag and potential deal breaker.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Your relationship moved waaaaaay too fast! Someone telling you that they will marry you within a few months- without really knowing you- is a big red flag. But, this comment a huge red flag:""you're so out of my league".. When someone tells you this, it indicates huge insecurities and someone incapable of having a stable relationship.

 

Next, we have the manipulative and punishing behavior. Dumping you after an argument. Then, we have the silent treatment. This guy is screwed up and not a keeper. He is a total mind*ck and will make a life of walking on eggshells, and misery.

 

You have very little time invested in this guy. Dump him. And, in the future, do not allow people to jerk you around like this.

 

Lastly, the speed of your relationship, is not a healthy progression.

 

Who was he contacting on Instagram?

Link to post
Share on other sites

It was way more than a "small disagreement":

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=561888

 

He treated you poorly then and he's continuing to treat you poorly.

 

I wouldn't have given him another chance after that disaster of a weekend. What's happening now would seal the deal for me. He's not treating you like someone he values.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It was way more than a "small disagreement":

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=561888

 

He treated you poorly then and he's continuing to treat you poorly.

 

I wouldn't have given him another chance after that disaster of a weekend. What's happening now would seal the deal for me. He's not treating you like someone he values.

 

You are in serious denial! After that first incident you should have been done! Enough already!

 

You should have been honest in this thread.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I sense a lot of drama from both sides on both of these threads (confused as to why he has done this...).

 

Sounds as if you both enjoy the drama. Regular ordinary days get dull, so you spice them up with drama.

 

We've all given you advice, but you continue to ignore it or get offended!

Link to post
Share on other sites

So many red flags. Someone crying in front of you 'numerous' times after a few months has a ton of issues. Him proclaiming all that bs about perfection and marriage is projection and him saying you're out of his league speaks of insecurity.

 

He didn't treat you with respect so you should just leave it. One hour is not a long distance?

Link to post
Share on other sites
So many red flags. Someone crying in front of you 'numerous' times after a few months has a ton of issues. Him proclaiming all that bs about perfection and marriage is projection and him saying you're out of his league speaks of insecurity.

 

He didn't treat you with respect so you should just leave it. One hour is not a long distance?

 

 

That is what upsets me, I know he has a tonne of issues, and that makes me feel sorry for him. When he calls me manipulative for complaining about a small issue, it makes me feel like he is punishing me. I can't deal with the silent treatment, it's given me anxiety all week. But on the other hand, I understand why he does it - I genuinely don't think he can express his negative emotions.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear this. How are your cultures different? Do you think there is a communication problem? It seems he is trying to back out of the relationship. He's suddenly "very busy, very stressed". It's not just the instagram thing, it's been brewing for a while. Stop contacting him. You don't need to make excuses for him about PTSD, he seems to be managing fine.

I have been with my boyfriend a few months. we are just different cultures.

 

He then said that things have changed between us and that's the elephant in the room.

He said "I don't know" and "I don't know how we will get back to how it was".

He said he was so busy and that he didn't spend time with his friends anymore

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey! First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this. :( It sounds absolutely exhausting. (I did read your other post about the moving weekend as well.)

 

How long exactly have you guys been together? These kinds of problems this early on aren't a good sign that this will be a long term relationship, let alone just a healthy one. These may be minor and trivial things to have disagreements about in an average relationship, but the way he's responding to these issues is extreme and out of left field. Personally, I don't think he's ready for a relationship. He sounds like he has a lot of his own issues to figure out, and maybe seeing a therapist about the ptsd would be beneficial for him as well. He seems to be sabotaging this relationship, not you. I'd take that as a sign that's it's time to move on.

 

I know how hard it is when you love and care a lot about someone to break it off. I went through a really rough breakup recently with someone who I still love and care about very much, but we weren't good together. Maybe you guys can remain friends or move towards a friendship after this storm has blown over and you've both moved on? Since it seems like you have a deep connection, maybe a friendship is the way to go. At least at this point in time.

 

Don't sacrifice yourself and your emotional well-being for this. It's not worth it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...