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Ex of over a decade has publicly called me abusive


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Recently, I was told my ex-wife has posted to her social media that I was a domestic abuser. She does not name me, but does refer to our marriage and that it ended at a specific time, which makes it pretty easy to identify that she is talking about me. In the subsequent comments on the post, she further suggests that she feared for her physical safety and that she was unable to work or date for several years after the divorce. I had minimal contact with her for a brief period after the divorce, and have had no contact at all with her since.

 

There is no substance to her statements, and I'm very, very uncomfortable that she has put this out there. These statements were posted on publicly viewable pages that she maintains for business purposes and seems to have brought this up as a way to promote a product. It's extraordinarily easy for employers, romantic interests, and other relations to access it if they know her name.

 

Is there anything I can do about this? SHould I do anything?

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A business wouldn't know your ex's name nor wouldn't Google her if they did. They would look at your name under civil court records at counties you've lived in, and would see that you don't have any record, if you don't, including no reference to domestic violence.

 

And how would a new romantic interest know her name?

 

Any friends of yours who are truly friends and know this is a lie will continue being your friends.

 

You can either ignore this, or you can contact her and tell her to remove it or you will take her to court for liable/slander, since she has no proof if she'd never called the cops on you.

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So, a friend of mine once showed me her separation agreement (or divorce agreement, unfamiliar with the terminology) that said that they weren't permitted to speak negatively about each other to their kids. Does your agreement have something similar or maybe related to what you're allowed to say about each other in a public way?

I would message her and ask her to please remove those references and politely write that they are untrue and likely to cause issues. And you can say that if she doesn't you might have to contact the social media site, etc.

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A business wouldn't know your ex's name nor wouldn't Google her if they did. They would look at your name under civil court records at counties you've lived in, and would see that you don't have any record, if you don't, including no reference to domestic violence.

 

And how would a new romantic interest know her name?

 

Any friends of yours who are truly friends and know this is a lie will continue being your friends.

 

You can either ignore this, or you can contact her and tell her to remove it or you will take her to court for liable/slander, since she has no proof if she'd never called the cops on you.

 

My state maintains online records of divorces, among other things. If you look me up, you'll find the name. While I don't talk about my ex-wife often with anyone, let alone new romantic partners, I'm concerned that I'll no longer be able to discuss anything at all about it, or feel paranoid that I may end up having to explain to someone curious about her that I didn't abuse my ex-wife. It's all conjecture and I'm obssessing a bit in the wake of these accusations, which were the first I really heard anything about my ex in nearly ten years.

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You may need to talk to a lawyer for a cease and desist letter. Your real friends will know it's all BS.

 

I agree with melancholy. Get screenshots of everything, go back aways too to make sure there isn't more of this crap, and see a lawyer for a C&D letter.

 

Sometimes that's all it takes to make someone take something down and cut the s__t. What she says privately is her business but this letter may make her stop posting publicly about her perceived dirty laundry.

 

I would not reach out to her at all. You don't want to open that box of monkeys. Talk to a lawyer and deal with this legally speaking.

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My friend was married to a man who had one affair after another. She stayed with him for years despite knowing about the affairs because she decided he was "depressed" and was sleeping with all those other women to relieve his alleged depression. Finally the affairs became so blatant that she really had no choice but to divorce him.

 

After a year or two she decided he was "abusive". She's one of those who constantly Google diagnosis people. She started posting abuse memes and links to articles on Facebook, calling herself a "brave survivor of abuse". She still has lots of people as Facebook friends who she met through her husband, so of course they have to see these posts.

 

I don't communicate with her ex husband for obvious reasons, but from what I hear his career hasn't been hurt at all. And he married his most recent affair partner, so his romantic life didn't suffer.

 

I think people will take it for what it appears to be...an ex wife who perhaps is not succeeding at life or is dissatisfied or unhappy and is looking for someone to blame.

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That's a tough one. There's always a chance someone could come across something. Best you can do is limit that opportunity. For instance, if your facebook profile has "divorced" listed, remove it. I'd remove any wedding photos or anything you've got her tagged in from your page. Avoid drawing attention to it by publicly defending yourself.

 

Libel and slander are among the most difficult crimes to prosecute. If she's not naming you, even if people can easily connect the dots, it's even harder. Feel free to contact a lawyer and see if there is any room for recourse, though.

 

I'll be honest. This is just kind of a having been dealt a ****ty hand situation. Best you can do is not make it worse. Keep being an honest and respectable guy and hopefully-- should she even keep it up-- they'll see through her theatrics. I wouldn't reach out with her and provide her anything she could even remotely spin as fuel against you. Laying low allows you to continue to document should she escalate it to a point you should take action. In the meantime, I wouldn't upset her and potentially provoke her to be more concerted and damaging with her lies.

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I'd call her up in and calm respectful manner and ask her to remove the post first, before I contacted a lawyer.

 

I think that's the first question a lawyer will ask you. If you tried to handle it yourself first.

 

There may be an easy solution to this otherwise uncomfortable situation. But you wont know unless you ask.

 

Don't engage her in a debate and end the call if it starts to go sidewways.

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I'd call her up in and calm respectful manner and ask her to remove the post first, before I contacted a lawyer.

 

I think that's the first question a lawyer will ask you. If you tried to handle it yourself first.

 

There may be an easy solution to this otherwise uncomfortable situation. But you wont know unless you ask.

 

Don't engage her in a debate and end the call if it starts to go sidewways.

That's well-intended, but I wouldn't. Someone in a mental state where they'd make false accusations of domestic abuse typically isn't going to turn around with an "aw, shucks." I'd much more expect her to update her following with how she was just contacted and threatened for speaking out.

 

At the end of the day, documentation is key, and if he can avoid tipping her off that he or someone he knows is seeing these posts, he'll probably be better served in the long-run.

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Ok so, as someone who truly had her name slandered by an ex husband I can tell you, it’s going to amount to nothing. At best it might amount to some drama had she named you, but she didn’t, and the truth is, no ones invested enough in your story or her story to google track down who she’s talking about, that’s the reality, naming yourself by going at her would cause more drama, that’s the honest truth, the most simple and drama free solution is to let it go.

 

You need to emotionally let go.

 

And whatever ‘friend’ told you about this, probably best to cut them loose as well.

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That's a tough one. There's always a chance someone could come across something. Best you can do is limit that opportunity. For instance, if your facebook profile has "divorced" listed, remove it. I'd remove any wedding photos or anything you've got her tagged in from your page. Avoid drawing attention to it by publicly defending yourself.

 

I've just spent an hour absolutely scouring my facebook to remove any trace. I think I'll need to mention this to a few family members who had posted photos of us, as well.

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You need to emotionally let go.

 

 

That's the plan for now, but I"m very hurt and confused. She'd thrown "Abusive" at me a few times as the marriage was failing, but to see something like this ten years after the fact has pretty well shocked me. What's really funny is that she'd been on my mind a bit and I'd genuinely considered reaching out and seeing if we could have a cordial friendship of some sort. I mean, I'm glad I'm not married to her anymore but we did spend a good chunk of our lives together, you know?

 

I'm sorry to hear that you had to deal with a similar thing. DId anyone ever mention your ex's allegations to you?

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That's the plan for now, but I"m very hurt and confused. She'd thrown "Abusive" at me a few times as the marriage was failing, but to see something like this ten years after the fact has pretty well shocked me. What's really funny is that she'd been on my mind a bit and I'd genuinely considered reaching out and seeing if we could have a cordial friendship of some sort. I mean, I'm glad I'm not married to her anymore but we did spend a good chunk of our lives together, you know?

 

I'm sorry to hear that you had to deal with a similar thing. DId anyone ever mention your ex's allegations to you?

 

Of course. But again, it amounted to nothing.

 

The harm is emotional, it hurt me emotionally because I learned of this while I was still emotionally mourning the loss of my marriage. I’m sure there are still plenty of people who believe the narrative he painted and TRUST me it wasn’t a pretty narrative he painted, and ironically he actually did physically abuse me, a fact I share with very few people. And get this, years later, I successfully co parent with him, we are cordial, far from friends, but communicate when needed.

 

How do I do this?

 

I healed.

 

Wasn’t easy, was incredibly hard and took outside help ( therapy ) That’s why I mention you letting go emotionally. The opposite of love isn’t hate. You ever heard the saying, your opinion of me is none of my business, imagine an old friend from high school you no longer talk to or even think about told many people you were a bully, you’d be irritated, but in today’s world where information and gossip and news cycles so fast we forget by the time the new gossip occurs, would it really affect you? Not really right?

 

My ex husbands slander didn’t affect me in any real way and it was completely about him, it was his way of accepting who he was, what he did, I accept that. It has little to nothing to do with me. Like another poster said, people who knew me and cared for me asked for the truth and I told them, those who believed it well... they were never in my corner to begin with. Do I have fear of a potential date finding out the things my ex said about me? Of course not, why? Because realistically the stars would have to align perfectly for that to actually happen, again we are in the age of information, the internet is vast, there are billions of people in the world, we humans we can be a little narcissistic, we tend to forget we’re specks, our lives and the Minuit details matter to us more than anyone else, I promise, but anyway if by some miracle a potential date found out the rumors said about me, they would only be a potential partner if they had the ability to listen, right?

 

Plus, be realistic, you were just pining over an ex you had commitment fears with a month ago right? You’re in no position to be dating right now.

 

We’re your commitment fears connected to your ex wife?

 

There’s a lot going on here beneath the surface, maybe breathe and take a look.

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Excellent. Do whatever you can to sever anything in your control. You also need to stop scanning her social media as that is traceable and can show up in those "people who know" type sections. Every time you click on her profile you are pointing another arrow in your own direction. Stay as far away from her as possible. Do not call and especially do not threaten her. Then she can state that you are harassing her and name names, because it would be a fact, not an opinion.

 

Unfortunately freedom of speech allows her to post her feelings, musings, opinions and thoughts freely anywhere she wants. What you need to do is stop following her around social media and completely block and delete her and All her people from all your devices, contact lists, social media and messaging apps. You are creating part of the trace by scanning this chronically.

 

You can also clean up your social media settings and make everything much more private and restrict what you post about yourself. You can also do some "noise cancellation" by putting up a public LinkedIn profile and filling that in with your context and burying and drowning as much of her unnamed content that perhaps you and a few mutual acquaintances even care about. Hard to get stuff off the internet so many time the drowning, burying and noise cancellation techniques are what those reputation services use.

I've just spent an hour absolutely scouring my facebook to remove any trace. I think I'll need to mention this to a few family members who had posted photos of us, as well.
Edited by Wiseman2
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Here's a story, for what it's worth.

 

My best friend—sitting a few feet from me as I type—was in a decade-long relationship that ended something like 6 years ago. Good times, bad times, but a quietly fraught dynamic from A to Z. His ex, who I've never been a fan of, has a "mean girl" streak. She is someone who finds relief, when she's existentially unhappy, which is generally, by publicly attacking people she has decided are responsible for her unhappiness. My friend occasionally becomes target number 1. Ten years with someone will do that.

 

So, occasionally, she finds ways to poke at him over social media: always veiled but hardly subtle. Incendiary stuff. My friend, not a perfect human but basically a Human Teddy Bear, has spent thousands in therapy to learn to respond as everyone on both sides of the ring do: with the same detached shrug you probably feel in hearing this story about some random strangers. Everyone who knows my friend knows it's all bull that says more about her than him. Her friends, judging from the ones I know, have a similar view. And if she has a little self-selected circle who believes the bull? So be it.

 

Dramatic people build drama factories. Drama factories produce one thing only: hot, toxic air. Best way to deal with hot, toxic air? By learning not to breathe it in.

 

It sucks. It sucks to have this energy in your life, to have to adapt to it and, maybe, occasionally confront it from time to time. But adaption (the Facebook scrubbing, say, as well as silence and detached shrugging) should always be the first line of defense, with confrontation (a call to her, or to a lawyer) the last resort. Confrontation is kerosene. Kerosene does not put out fires, particularly the fires that burn inside fiery souls.

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Then there is absolutely nothing you can do. Even if she stated 'my ex husband Dwight Eisenhower III used to have sex with our dog in the yard every Tuesday'. You would have to not only prove that this statement is false (libel), you would have to also prove that this statement damaged you specifically. If something is true it is not libel, no matter how egregious. Read any newspaper. However in this case you are not even named so anyone could say it's a general assessment of abusive relationships. Read my post # 15 above for some corrective measures you can take..

She does not name me
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That's well-intended, but I wouldn't. Someone in a mental state where they'd make false accusations of domestic abuse typically isn't going to turn around with an "aw, shucks." I'd much more expect her to update her following with how she was just contacted and threatened for speaking out.

 

At the end of the day, documentation is key, and if he can avoid tipping her off that he or someone he knows is seeing these posts, he'll probably be better served in the long-run.

 

Agree... OP if you have done nothing wrong, then your best course of action is to not engage. She may be trying to draw you in for whatever reason with these posts... don't take the bait.

 

Keep documenting and if you feel the need to respond or vent, do it with someone you trust or come here and vent. If you ignore it, it should eventually fizzle out on it's own when she doesn't get the response she was looking for (or when she receives a cease and desist letter from your attorney).

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All of the postings are designed to show her as a victim and to slam you.

 

The ex is just rearing for a fight. Do not pick up the bait.

 

Yes, it is annoying. Yes, you so feel slighted.

 

But you KNOW nothing good will happen if you respond to this.

 

BTW, there is no way you can be friends with her. So do not get all weepey-eyed about her and try to become friends or anything else with her.

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Plus, be realistic, you were just pining over an ex you had commitment fears with a month ago right? You’re in no position to be dating right now.

 

We’re your commitment fears connected to your ex wife?

 

There’s a lot going on here beneath the surface, maybe breathe and take a look.

 

Yes, I'm still pining over my most recent ex. My commitment issues were almost entirely about my ex-wife. This whole "abusive" thing has taken me right back to that place ten years ago, afraid to openly discuss anything or show any emotion at all out of fear that she'd start telling her friends and family I was abusing her. This was something she liked to doing. obviously i wasn't a saint and occasionally became impatient, lost my temper, or was unkind, but the way she would present herself as helpless little girl when just the night before she was throwing things at me was frightening to behold, and she'd be so vague in the way she described it that a concerned party would think the worst. Once her mother ended up called the police because we had a verbal argument. it was absurd the way she'd spin things, and she was so convincing, like she truly believed the things she would say. Anyway it all ended pretty disastrously and the last I heard from her was an "i miss you" text about 8 months after the divorce was final. I'd been glad feeling like I could put all that behind me, and it hurts to know i need to absolutely quarantine it and possibly go on the initiative to combat it. I feel like i can't share that experience with someone because they might believe her.

 

Anyway, so yes, my commitment issues stems largely from my experience iwth my ex-wife. I'd hoped to have put that behind me. I'm still pretty stupidly in love with my most recent ex-girlfriend and have felt very emotionally unsettled, and these accusations/implications have sent me reeling the last few days.

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You have no case. She doesn't name you and "domestic abuse" can be her opinion of what happened and she can freely state that. Particularly since the police were called and her family intervened on her behalf.

 

Have you gotten evicted or lost jobs as a result? What specific damages were incurred as result of these posts? Does anyone even read or care what's on her social media? You have dated a whole bunch since then so why even worry about this?

I was told my ex-wife has posted to her social media that I was a domestic abuser. She does not name me

 

i wasn't a saint and occasionally became impatient, lost my temper, or was unkind. Once her mother ended up called the police

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I'm just anxious and obsessing a bit. She does have a few hundred people on her social media accounts and seeing the things she's said and how much support she'd getting is uncomfortable. I feel like I've been maligned and pilloried for the sake of building a brand. I wish I never knew about this.

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I'm just anxious and obsessing a bit. She does have a few hundred people on her social media accounts and seeing the things she's said and how much support she'd getting is uncomfortable. I feel like I've been maligned and pilloried for the sake of building a brand. I wish I never knew about this.

 

Then tell this so called friend to stop running to you with stories about your ex.

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Ok get off all her social media . Furthermore delete and block her and all her people from all your devices and all social media and all messaging apps. This is her take on things and there is nothing you can do about it, particularity when the police are called and it was in fact abusive to some extent. You have no case. You just have to face the facts, get on with your life and perhaps get some therapy for your anger and supposed commitment issues.

seeing the things she's said and how much support she'd getting is uncomfortable.
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