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Stuck in the friend zone with an ex, tough situation, long message


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Ok...get ready guys, this is gonna be a long one.


I met this girl back in 2016. We clicked instantly. She was getting over a breakup and I was too so we bonded on that. We formed a great friendship over time that was 100% platonic...or so we thought at the time. We would have deep conversations throughout the night, we would go out and take walks for hours, etc. We only spent time like once a month, but when we did it was amazing.


Long story short, she confessed that she liked me. She got really jealous when I stared talking about this other girl wanting to drive me home (she was like “you two are gonna kiss...I can’t look”).


After that I realized I liked her too. We got passionate very fast and things exploded sexually. I took her virginity, we did it multiple times per day, and we tried to do it everywhere we could (even in public bathrooms for a quickie).


I was in love, and i think she was too (though she never outright said it). We talked about kids, raising a family, etc. she told me she wasn’t me to be inside her for the rest of our lives. we were so SO passionate and kinky it was unbelievable. She was obsessed with me. She got jealous at the slightest sign of another girl in my life, she used to tell me “omg you’re so hot, so hot, I can’t believe I have sex with you”. But I was just as crazy about her. In my mind, she was my girl and it was going to stay that way. She did everything for me. Cook, clean, etc.


But over time I got really clingy. She’s a clingy person too, but mine started to get out of hand. When she wanted alone time I would worry. When we weren’t together I would worry. My anxiety started to come out in our interactions. My texting started to sound desperate at times. In fights I would get really emotional and tell her how she’s my world and act really needy for her.


She stayed telling me that it’s unattractive. Over time our passion lessened. Soon enough she was telling me her heart wasn’t in it anymore. Then the sex slowed down to once a week, then once in a blue moon. We were together for 9 months then broke up. After three days of no contact she chased the hell out of me and kept wanting sex. I told her I was seeing someone (I kinda was) and she had a mental breakdown. She wanted to know who she was and how much we spend time, etc. Our passion kicked up again, then she told me she was confused about her feelings. So we did this toxic back and forth thing with sex for about two months. Then she said she had to go away for a while because she’s over it.


Three weeks later she contacts me again. Again we exploded. We both felt the same interacting again, the sex started up again and we would video chat for hours at night showing each other our undergarments and stuff. Things were looking up again. She confessed that she still feels for me. We started dating again and everything was great. She says I changed and she feels happy again. This lasted for a month. Then we got into a stupid fight, and she pulled away from me. Two days later she was acting totally different. So we talked on the phone and I told her “why are you gonna just leave me in the dark like that, just tell me”. Then she said “honestly...I just don’t care that much about you. As a friend yes, but not romantically”. So I asked her why do we still have sex then and she said “it doesn’t mean anything to me anymore, it gets me off”.


So we broke up once again. Now she’s 100% acting like a friend to me. She’s talking about how guys are s, how nice I am to her, and how that she never been so close and comfortable with someone before me.


We still flirt and tease each other, but there’s like 0% romantic attraction from her end anymore.


However something was interesting. I told her I wanted to take a few months away so I can get over her and she said “ok that’s fine” and the next day she’s calling me and sending me funny texts and stuff. She legit doesn’t want me to leave.


So at this point I have a few options. Obviously...I messed up. I know that. Obviously she still values me as someone important to her. But she takes me for granted, she doesn’t respect me as a man anymore, and she doesn’t feel attraction for me. I give her too much of my time and nothing is a challenge for her.


I’m still madly in love with her. But I still have hope. She was in love with me and wanted kids and a family, crazy obsessed with me. It can happen again. I just feel like we’re too close right now in the wrong direction.


Here are my options


1. I tell her I need a few months away and I’m gonna block her for those months (then after connecting again I bring a new A game and attract her to the new me)


2. I subtly pull away from her, not texting as much, waiting hours between texts, disinterested replies, etc, making her instinctively wonder and guess about me.


3. I tell her “if we can’t be together then I can’t have you in my life anymore because I want to move on with my life” and basically give her an ultimatum.


4. I stay in the friend zone every day, see other women, live my life and hope she eventually comes around through how close we are


Now...here are my worries for each option


1. Those months apart will distance each other’s connection, and make her realize “I don’t even think I wanna be friends anymore, you’re part of my past now and I just wanna move on”


2. She simply might not give a if I pull away. If she thinks of me 100% as a friend now then she might not care


3. She tells me to just go, because she doesn’t want me, and I lose her forever


4. I stay her friend forever, she falls for another guy and I lose


Let me get this out of the way right now. Outside of our romance, she really is my best friend. We connect so deep and so well together, I really believe we’re soul mates. That’s why I was so madly in love with her once we had sex.


That’s why I don’t wanna lose her. Without her in my life...I’d be lost.


What is my best option here based on everything I’ve said here? Can she get those feelings back again? Ladies I need answers lol. If she was you, how would I get you to fall for me now?


Btw I’m still the only guy she’s had sex with. I know this 100%.

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Being "crazy obsessed" isn't a good thing, OP.


It's borne out of insecurity and hormones, but it's not what holds a relationship together. You two had fun in the way that new relationships can be thrilling and lusty, but you both contributed to its downfall with toxic behavior. You clung, she danced in and out of your life. I don't mean to sound condescending, but it's an immature approach to love. Both of you have some growing up to do before a truly healthy relationship would be possible.


She wants your attention and affection when it suits her, or when she's feeling bored or lonely. That's all it is at this point, though. This is why she texts you or teases you on video chats. It's less about you and more about feeding her own ego. She has realized she can attract men and she sounds like she wants to play the field as a single gal who's recently discovered her own appeal. You would be wise to go No Contact, so you don't have the suffer more heartache when she pulls away because she's dating someone new. She will eventually have sex with someone else and trust me, you will be kicking yourself for orbiting around her when that happens.

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There is such a thing as a romance running its course. This is done. The problem you have is that you're trying to make someone fall in love with you. Why on earth would you do that? Wouldn't you rather be true to yourself and find yourself in life? Meet your own goals, expand your own social circle and be in more meaningful relationships, have more meaningful friendships? By meaningful, I mean reciprocal as well. Without her in your life, you will not be lost. Try working on your self-esteem. It's a bit bent out of shape and you're expecting another person to fill that void. No one will fall in love with you that way. You're broken in parts only you can fix and no one else.


Be a bit more realistic - you had a romance with this person, it didn't work out. Things went sideways and you dated other people. You tried rekindling it back. It's not working. Be more grown up about this and let it go. She's not in love with you at all. She just seems disrespectful and immature especially in the way she doesn't respect your request for space/healing.

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This can go on for YEARS if you let it. In the meantime, a young woman who would be crazy about you AND who you can have fantastic sex with will pass you by.


PS: Have you been reading those "Get your ex back, guaranteed!!! 111" websites? Your "options" you listed sound straight from those scam sites. News flash...those manipulative tactics don't work. I sure hope you didn't give them any money.

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I'm sure this is not what you want to hear, but no matter how you dance around those options, the bottom line is if she wanted to be with you, she would.


In short, she knows she has you wrapped around her little finger, where she feels she's running the show. I'd call her bluff and prove her otherwise. Your call...

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Yes, sounds a lot like 'Straight Outta Crapton' on that. Listen, give the whole thing a rest, not to get her back but to reflect and decide if you even what a wacky situation like this. Other girls may work out a lot better than this soap opera.

Have you been reading those "Get your ex back," websites?
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