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Should I have the uncomfortable conversation


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Hey everybody,

 

I am having a concern lately which I wouldn't like to share it with friends or other people closed to me.

I'm on my mid twenties, but I have never had sex before. The reason is not relegion nor is it lack of partners or possibilities. Now I know I am a weird person but I just like to do things a bit slow in my life and to wait for the right person. I could have done it with different giys just didnt find anyone attractive enough as I am a bit sapiosexual.

 

Now I sometimes think it was an error cause I should have experimented a bit more earlier but here we are.

Now I am going out with a great guy, and I am feeling a bit stressed about this thing, cause he may think it will be weird that I still haven't had sex before. It is like I have been waiting for him, you know I feel a bit not confident, cause other girls my age have already had more than one sexual partners.

So, I don't want him to know that I am still a virgin, cause that would made me really uncomfortable.

Don't get me wrong I am so well informed about sex and I have actually got some time to get to know myself. I have good knowledge even on the small details.

But yet I feel a bit confused as I don't want to have that conversation with him about telling him I' m still a virgin, but on the otherside it is like no escape as he is going to understamd it during the act maybe, I am not sure.

Would you guys give me an advice on what should I do?

I would appreciate it.

Thanks.

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I think you should be honest. If you are able to have sex with someone, then you should be able to talk to them.

 

If he is a "great guy" then he should respect your decision and be understanding. Wait until your feel comfortable, don't do it (sex) because you feel you have to.

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Now please dont get me wrong. If I say I decided to wait till the right guy that means that not I am doing it because I want to and because I feel he is the right one. I just dont know how to talk about him about the fact that I am in my mid twenties and still havent done it. I feel so uncomfortable saying that.

Yes he is a great guy. And I am not worried that he wont understand, I just cannot accept myself like this. He will understand but anyway this will give him another picture of me.

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How can you feel comfortable having sex with somebody you feel uncomfortable having a sensitive talk with?

 

Honestly I think you are over-stressing about the issue. You are mid-20s, it is a bit older than the average Western girl to be a virgin, but no decent guy will mind... In fact a lot of guys will regard it as a positive... there is the cultural traditions surrounding the value of female innocence/purity/virginity etc... plus the simple fact that a lot of guys do not like to feel compared with other guys. When it comes to sex, "performance" pressures are mostly placed on men, not women.

 

The only guys who I think might view your situation as a negative are 1) Players who just want to have a good time in bed and might regard your lack of experience as boring... inexperienced girls tend to timid in bed and not very adventurous for the thrill seekers. 2) Somebody who does not want commitment and thinks your virginity means a great deal to you if you have kept it this long and might back off to avoid said commitment.

 

Regardless I think you should be honest with him. Chances are you will be nervous, it will be quite painful and there will (likely) be blood. If he knew it was your first time, he should know to take it slower and try to gradually relax you.

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I waited on purpose. I'd planned to wait till marriage and got engaged at 23 - would have been each other's firsts -but then became unengaged. I waited until I was 24 and in love (with the guy I dated after ended the engagement). He knew I was a virgin and that is why I waited to have sex with him. I never hesitated to tell him but that was also because when we were starting to get serious I still wasn't sure I wanted to have sex before marriage. I could not have imagined not telling him. I think it's perfectly fine and don't make a big deal out of it -if you don't, he won't either.

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Do you feel you wont measure up to other girls? Do you feel other women will be able to please him better than you?

Do you think that regardless of what you know, you will still mess up and not be good enough?

 

And given you are a sapiosexual, wouldnt you be having open conversations with him over many things? Personal things and even sex?

Its much better if you are honest and lay it out first, sex is supposed to be fun and even playful.

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You may be feeling a closeness with him that is not closeness in totality. If you do feel comfortable talking about it, just go ahead and tell him. That's between the both of you. Some people are ok talking about it and some aren't or don't find it necessary. You shouldn't feel like you have to say anything to warn him if you don't feel comfortable or feel awkward doing so. This is not a giant deal in the larger scheme of things.

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No, I am not afraid other girls will please him more. That is not the point. I know what I should know about sex and how to be pleased and how to please. Just havent done it.

And no sapiosexual does not mean that you can have open weird conversations.

If you still didnt get the point, well here it is. I am afraid he will think I have been waiting so long only for him that he is the right one, that I wang to marry him blah blah. This is a good relashionship but I havent been waiting for him, nor want I to marry him because of that. Things just came at this point eventually. Also I am afraid he would think I haven't enjoyed my life sexually before, that doesnt boost my selfesteem.

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Simply tell him that you don't want him to assume that you choosing now to have sex means that he has some obligation to you to be with you for the long term. You're simply ready and you like him and are attracted to him.

 

I had to look up "sapiosexual" - ok. Could it be you are over-labeling/categorizing yourself -why do you feel the need to label yourself in this way? How does it benefit your daily life? I know of many people who find intelligence attractive in other people -do you mean that because of that you are also bisexual?

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I know of many people who find intelligence attractive in other people -do you mean that because of that you are bisexual.

 

 

 

Now what on earth makes somebody think that I am bisexual if I say I am sapiosexual!!!😈

 

Because I'm not sure what it means or why you feel the need to label/categorize yourself which might make a conversation more confusing if you throw in that term as part of a conversation. The definition didn't specify gender so I thought it could mean the person prioritizes the intellectual over the gender. I too get attracted to personality, intelligence, as well as looks. I am heterosexual and didn't typically have to explain that in any dating context since I only looked to date men so they assumed it. When I stopped dating in 2005 I had never heard of the term sapiosexual and still have not when I read about dating, etc.

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Why does he need to know? Is it a big issue in your culture?

 

I don't know why. I guess you gotta tell somebody about that so they have it into account that the other person is inexpierienced, right? I feel like he deserves to know it previously.

This is why I came for an advice, should I tell him or just go with it and see what happens.

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I am afraid he will think I have been waiting so long only for him that he is the right one, that I wang to marry him blah blah. This is a good relashionship but I havent been waiting for him, nor want I to marry him because of that. Things just came at this point eventually. Also I am afraid he would think I haven't enjoyed my life sexually before, that doesnt boost my selfesteem.

 

Well, there. Can you tell him this exactly how you told me?

Being upfront and honest about your feelings.

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There is no blanket answer. If you wish to share it, do so if now don't it's entirely your call. If you are ruminating this much over it can't it wait?

How would you guys feel if that would be the girl you were dating? What would you think about her? I am very self conscious about that.
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How would you guys feel if that would be the girl you were dating? What would you think about her? I am very self conscious about that.

That would be awesome.

Im the first, its special.

I went to a wedding today and the pastor said, both him and her have to share everything. They are now a couple, he is hers and she is his. They both have to be open, honest and support each other. I know u dont wanna marry the guy but at least realize that being honest matters, being the first means something.

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Your reasons for waiting are perfectly understandable. Your private values and sexual history are too important to compare with anyone else's, so skip that messy kid stuff.

 

You don't say how long you've been dating this guy, but if he's legitimately right for you, he's not going to pressure you into a predicament where you're having sex before you've even had the opportunity to discuss it.

 

I decided long ago that because getting sexual tends to bond me to a person, I'd better be careful and clear about learning FIRST whether a guy is someone I'll actually want to bond with. That takes t.i.m.e., so anybody who would rush me isn't worth consideration.

 

It's a natural screening process.

 

Take your time in doing that. Over the course of getting to know this guy you'll learn whether or not he's trustworthy enough to even discuss sex. If not, then nothing is lost in keeping your private life private. If so, then you'll trust him to appreciate your reasons for waiting. It will send the message that you're not someone who's ever been peer pressured into doing anything you don't want to do.

 

That's a foundation for respect. If the guy is not mature enough to view it that way, then he's surely not worth having sex with.

 

Head high, and be proud.

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Ask yourself why that announcement is important to you. It sounds like you are very anxious about things. If that's the case take things slowly.

 

 

Wiseman but at somw point in oir life he is going to ask about my previous experiences or relashionships right. So I think you cant keep it hidden from your significant other.

Yes I am stressing over this cause it just sounds bad I havent had any experience up to now, he is going to think I haven't been desired. But actually I have. I just havent liked any ome of the chances I have had before.

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Ok, when you are ready to have that talk, it's fine to mention whatever you are comfortable with.

he is going to ask about my previous experiences or relashionships right. So I think you cant keep it hidden from your significant other.
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Ok, when you are ready to have that talk, it's fine to mention whatever you are comfortable with.

 

No I am not comfortable. I just want to delete this part of my past or widh I could change it. I just feel obligated from conditions as you cant keep it hidden.

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No I am not comfortable. I just want to delete this part of my past or widh I could change it. I just feel obligated from conditions as you cant keep it hidden.

 

Wow. . you are really doing a number on yourself needlessly here. Being a virgin in your 20s doesn't exactly make you a unicorn.

 

You tell him what you told us. That your original plan was to wait until you got married. That relationship has since ended and it's put you where you are at now, reevaluating things so they better fit your purpose now. You've since outgrown the `wait til your married idea'

 

You don't need to tell him you've had opportunities that you've passed on. That's just unnecessary information.

 

It's only a big weird deal if you make it one.

I think what you are trying to say is you don't him freaking out thinking `he's the one!' you've been waiting for all your life.

 

Just dial it back a bit and don't make a big deal out of it.

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