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Reaching out


Komerebi
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Did you date when you were back home 2 years ago? Has the difficulty only been since your recent move? Are you dating people who are too different from your culture, religion, age, educational or socioeconomic background? It seems you are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and wish to be understood in a the way a parent or therapist would.

 

Perhaps you need to stick to people with more similar backgrounds so you feel more understood as far as your repeatedly mentioning "your values". . Also at 30 most men have dated quite a bit, so the naivety may be too difficult for them to deal with. If virginity is important to you before marriage, it's another reason to date within your own culture. The thing is, you are in fact 30 not 3 and men see this.

 

So I only mentioned values once.... just saying.

 

The guys I've dated have been cool with my relationship history... or lack thereof. I found if I am confident about it, they were accepting of it. It has taken a lot of courage on my part to just dive in and own it. Sure, it makes navigating the dating scene a bit more challenging and I feel this last year has been one intense masterclass, but I'm leveling up as I go. It hasn't been a problem to the guy sitting across from me because I don't make it one - and if a guy did have an issue with it, he's just not my guy.

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This is a great tactic! I do like the first date to be drinks (coffee, wine, whatever - recently met someone over juice), nothing serious and meant to be drawn out. Did you use this in dating? Do you know of anyone it worked for?

 

That first line is so true... you meet people where they are and I was barking up the wrong tree with the guy I was seeing last. I don't want to admit it was a waste of time... we had fun, we enjoyed each others company, but now I'm just done with it and ready to shake things up in meeting a ton of new people with clearer intentions on my part.

 

 

 

Thank you for the encouragement! This is a great mantra.

 

I went on around 100 first meets and some of them were very short -45 minutes or less.

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So I only mentioned values once.... just saying.

 

The guys I've dated have been cool with my relationship history... or lack thereof. I found if I am confident about it, they were accepting of it. It has taken a lot of courage on my part to just dive in and own it. Sure, it makes navigating the dating scene a bit more challenging and I feel this last year has been one intense masterclass, but I'm leveling up as I go. It hasn't been a problem to the guy sitting across from me because I don't make it one - and if a guy did have an issue with it, he's just not my guy.

 

Good attitude. I'd stop with the self-depreciation (that you're naive or toddler-like). It's all very nice and humble but very unbecoming and it just sounds sarcastic after awhile. It's not what your dates want to hear from you if you're looking to date your equal and not a man looking to support you or help guide you in some way, or worse some weirdo with an infantalism streak/fetish. You're 30. Own it and all the other experiences you have. Don't undermine yourself so easily or deceive yourself into thinking you're less-than of any sort, mentally, emotionally, metaphorically or whatever.

 

Good on you too for getting out there and dating. Don't hold yourself back.

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You know Rose makes a good point. When I was 31 I dated a man for 7 years on and off who told me early on he'd only had one girlfriend before me in his late 20s other than dating a woman in high school or college but not for that long. He felt badly about his relationship "history" - and it gave me a bit of pause but since he'd recently had a long term relationship I was more than fine with it and I could not tell at all that he hadn't had a lot of experience -he had close friends, close family, people liked him, he had great values and character etc. I think one reason for his history was because he was short and he was not conventionally handsome. (to be blunt). He's now been married for 10 years just like me.

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So whats really going on here, why do you say you dont have a history of dating?

Why havent you in the past?

 

The million dollar question... without getting too much into it, I will say I’ve moved around a lot... about every year for 15 years across states and between countries. Some moves were circumstances, some were for school, some for career, some adventures with the economy crashing. I lived for many years abroad and even then moved around. I would say I was definitely pursuing a vision and my passions, I wasn’t prioritizing relationships and with each new location I knew it was more or less for a year. I traveled, learned languages, got my masters, collected hobbies. I was always focusing on what was next to come. About 5 years ago I was more or less planted and much more interested in relationships, but then life threw me a new one and I went from thriving to surviving. I was exhausted and all my energy went to getting myself into a position where I was thriving again. The move to NYC was really my first big break and the first time I have felt both feet are firmly on the ground and I am no longer living one foot out the door. Everything finally came together.

 

So yeah, overall my life has been good and I’m ready to share it with someone special.

Edited by Komerebi
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The million dollar question... without getting too much into it, I will say I’ve moved around a lot... about every year for 15 years across states and between countries. Some moves were circumstances, some were for school, some for career, some adventures with the economy crashing. I lived for many years abroad and even then moved around. I would say I was definitely pursuing a vision and my passions, I wasn’t prioritizing relationships and with each new location I knew it was more or less for a year. I traveled, learned languages, got my masters, collected hobbies. I was always focusing on what was next to come. About 5 years ago I was more or less planted and much more interested in relationships, but then life threw me a new one and I went from thriving to surviving. I was exhausted and all my energy went to getting myself into a position where I was thriving again. The move to NYC was really my first big break and the first time I have felt both feet are firmly on the ground and I am no longer living one foot out the door. Everything finally came together.

 

So yeah, overall my life has been good and I’m ready to share it with someone special.

 

This is fabulous. I would avoid making my lack of relationship history a significant discussion point when meeting new people. There's nothing wrong with it, so I'd feel no need to qualify it. Then, over the natural course of answering how long it's been since my last breakup, I'd answer that I haven't found a relationship partner since I settled in this area 5 years ago.

 

I'd leave the rest for organic discussion over time with anyone who proves significant enough for the details. This would avoid positioning potential dates to feel pressured by the spotlight of becoming a major milestone.

 

There's a difference between owning our history versus creating a barrier with it. I'd skip the idea that I must highlight a lack of experience before learning whether or not I trust someone--and whether we'd even be interested in one another regardless. IMO, it's reasonable to learn about a potential date: marital status, whether ever married, how long since last breakup, STD status, whether he or she engages casual sex, whether he or she is employed.

 

From there, more details can be learned over t.i.m.e. spent together. However, since I don't believe in discussing intimate details about past relationships anyway, I'd be unwilling to discuss degrees of intimacy or longevity with past partners regardless of whether this means a LTR or a first date. There just isn't anything to be gained from those details--while the loss of privacy can rear its head as a destructive factor in a potential relationship that might otherwise have thrived.

 

Head high, do you, and find someone who's willing date you at face value--just as you'd be willing to date him.

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