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He told me he has a lot on his psyche after seeing his ex- what does that mean?


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Hi all. Dated a 41 yo male for 8 dates. He went out of town for 3 weeks, me 10 days when we started dating and kept in close contact all throughout. Neither of us are great communicators of where we are in the relationship or what we want.

 

I’m 30. We were into one another and he made many plans for future dates but at times seemed distant. One day he would be very physically into me and my body and make comments about my outfits and body parts- others I just felt like a burden. Anytime we got even intimate for 5 minutes he would yell blue balls. It was more just kissing on the lips in public and at home. I also went to his house 4x but never once in his bedroom. I found that odd.

 

I figured it’s because he’s independent and very much into tennis which I didn’t play. He constantly would play with friends or just go to the beach and run. Long story short he came clean that a ex from mos ago called and it’s put a huge burden on him and his psyche and he’s stressed from work. He said it just feels heavy.

 

He felt that he needs to focus on himself and decide what he wants because he’s at an age where he needs to get his act together for marriage.

 

Then he ends the call with “don’t be a stranger” and “let’s circle back in a month and see where we are”. Although personally I thought it sounded like he’s given the speech before and couldn’t tell how genuine it was. I saw him the night after and he said hi and kissed me on the cheeks but darted right away from me.

 

Does that sound like a bs excuse? Why would a guy totally emasculate himself like that? Please help!

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Not sure how he emasculated himself. Dude was totally weird with you about intimacy, red flag, then he told you that he isn't over his ex and dumped you. Left the door open to maybe reconnect later, which maybe he meant or maybe it was just a soft let down for you. Either way, he isn't interested in dating you right now and that was made pretty clear.

 

After just a handful of dates, I'd shrug and move on and forget he exists. When someone tells you they have issues, believe them...and run.

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Ok 8 dates is just barely really dating, no less a relationship. He sounds somewhat sleazy. It would be best to just let him ghost and delete and block him from your social media and messaging apps. Are you looking for casual hookups or dating/a relationship? He's into random sex, not you per se.

Dated a 41 yo male for 8 dates. Neither of us are great communicators of where we are in the relationship or what we want.

 

he would be very physically into me and my body and make comments about my outfits and body parts. Anytime we got even intimate for 5 minutes he would yell blue balls.

 

Then he ends the call with “don’t be a stranger” and “let’s circle back in a month and see where we are”.

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What the others are saying.

 

Simply put, he broke things off. He hung with you 8 times and realized the same thing you were realizing: that he's not really able to be open to this, to you, in any way that was remotely satisfying. And so he closed the door, while keeping it open just a hair. Fine. Human. Not the cutest, but only confusing if you're desperate to be confused.

 

So, sure, you can kind of freeze yourself in a state of waiting, seeing if a dude who was super skittish intimately and distant emotionally will reach out after a bs stretch of reflection and soul cleansing, or you can just go: this is dating. There are hits and misses, near hits that turn out to be misses. This is a miss. Shurg emoji. A handful of hours in your life story.

 

I say take the latter path.

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He sounds like a weirdo.

 

He dumped you and wants to keep you on the back burner. Whether he is doing self reflection. not over his ex, or not into you, doesn't matter. He is a waste of time and you need to move on.

 

Block him!

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You are all awesome, thank you. I figured he was just trying to be nice w the cliche statements like I thought it’s time now to have u meet my parents but this situation is heavy and doesn’t allow me to focus. Thanks for pointing out the bs and helping me see the light.

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Not worth your time. Sorry. I agree with the others and your gut feeling too. The longer you hang around people like this or "circle back" in any way, you're shooting yourself in the foot and sabotaging yourself and your own possibilities for the future. Move on and don't look back. I wouldn't wait for him to reach out again. In a few words just explain that this is not the dynamic you're looking for and you wish him the best.

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Long story short he came clean that a ex from mos ago called and it’s put a huge burden on him and his psyche and he’s stressed from work. He said it just feels heavy.

 

His ex dumped him and she is now fishing around. He wants to put you on ice in the event he can reconcile with her. If not, he knows where to find you.

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I agree with the others. Just bow out gracefully and in the distant future if he asks you out just evaluate then whether you want to give him another chance. I remember when my now husbands ex girlfriend contacted him when we’d been dating about two months. He told me she contacted him and that she missed him and wanted another chance. Then he said “I told her I wasn’t interested” and it’s because I love you. It’s not heavy at all when you’re with someone you want to be with - someone contacting you either has no effect or maybe a mild or momentary pause or curiosity. Sure he didn’t have to mention it but I think he did because they still worked together and I’d asked about her. Anyway move on and find someone who enjoys getting to know you and is available for a potential relationship.

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What should I do next time I run into him? We live within a mile of one another and work within 4 blocks.

 

I am so grateful to you all and this wonderful community! So much great perspective. Have a blessed day!

 

Sooner or later you'll have to break the ice. Like I said on page 1, just be short and brief about it. Say that it wasn't working out for you and you wish him the best. Keep it light. I think you're overthinking it. He may not want to talk to you either. Just move on and don't think so much about this anymore.

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Too much for his psyche??? A 41 year old man yelling "blue balls"???

 

How were you able to keep from falling over laughing at this load of BS?

 

I would say next time you see him try not to laugh hysterically.

 

I thought that was weird, too. I forgot about the age, I thought he was in his early 20's.

 

OP, say hello, and keep on walking.

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