Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Some of you may recall that my boyfriend recently lost member of family. He contacted me after a few weeks to set a weekend together we booked months earlier.

Day before our trip, I texted to ask for details and he didn't respond. I called a few hours later but he was busy so I thought he will call back. I learned later he forgot. I understood. Not easy times for him.

During Saturday night he received message from a woman I never heard of. It was a heart and some message.

It came the second he shown me something on the phone.

He said it his friend he used to work with and that they got in touch recently. I scrolled up and it was evident that they were in touch everyday sharing.

He sent her the same photo he sent me a day before. He also contacted her on a day he forgot to respond to my messages and call.

She was the last person he spoke with just before going to bed. Where he told me a few hours earlier he is tired and going to sleep.

So he is avoiding me but initiated a contact with her ?

I never once looked at his phone or asked him to show me something.

He didn't know what to say when I said that to him.

No big deal. It's just a friend. She leaves in another country now.

I couldn't help but I realised how often he checks what's app these days. Every little moment I am going away etc. He never bothered before.

I asked if he can tell me how often they actually talk or video call. He got mad and said he won't say a word. He said I should trust him. So I got upset and got ready to leave. I was going to leave to work 20 min earlier. He asked me if I will take all my stuff with me now. I said I am going to work and he stood up and packed all my clothes in plastic bags. He was fuming.

I took it and left.

Poor timing for all this. No doubt, this is over.

I am gutted as this is not the time to give him a hard time. However I didn't plan to break up. He packed my stuff.

I guess I shouldn't have asked anything given the circumstances.

Can I amend this in any way ? Meaning end on a positive note or something?

Edited by irka000
Error
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 145
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Sorry to hear this. You need space. Space to reflect on this entire situation and why he keeps you at arm's length. Do not try to fix this or chase him. Take this time to relax and ask yourself if you want to be in a situation that is so fraught with doubt and anguish for you. Maybe this is the break-through you need to finally get out of this.

I didn't plan to break up. He packed my stuff.. Can I amend this in any way ?
Link to post
Share on other sites

I don’t think you’re overreacting, necessarily.

 

The problem isn't that he has a female friend. It’s that he’s prioritizing communication with another woman, and appears to be keeping his distance from you. That’s not a good sign. He’s getting defensive because he knows how it looks, and he can’t explain why he opts to speak to her over you.

 

I’m not sure I’d be too worried about making things right with him, OP. His attention seems to be elsewhere.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I don’t think you’re overreacting, necessarily.

 

The problem isn't that he has a female friend. It’s that he’s prioritizing communication with another woman, and appears to be keeping his distance from you. That’s not a good sign. He’s getting defensive because he knows how it looks, and he can’t explain why he opts to speak to her over you.

 

I’m not sure I’d be too worried about making things right with him, OP. His attention seems to be elsewhere.

 

I agree. I would not be ok with this for two reasons. First -most important - he acted in an unreliable way about an important plan you had and lied about why. Sure, it's possible his interactions with the other woman are inconsistent with being in a romantic, exclusive relationship - but even putting that aside if he had time to text with a casual acquaintance in another country he had time to be reliable and respond to your message about the plans. Heck, I keep lists -on my phone, on email on post its, to make sure I follow up as promised with people -with friends, my husband, with colleagues. He knows how to do this too -if he cares. But his actions show he didn't care.

 

If he's well enough to be chatting with this other person then he's well enough to be reliable and well enough to explain what's going on. Want to know why? Because if it was all above board and fine it would not have required any conversation about trust -sure he might have been slightly annoyed but it would have been no biggie. He knew he acted irresponsibly, knew you caught him in a lie.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

It hurts. He clearly didn't share with her he is going for weekend away with his girlfriend. As I doubt it ,she would send a heart and message to him at Saturday night. She didn't ask how is our weekend going. None of it.

He said his p...s is long but not long enough to reach her as she is in another country. I said it is not always about sex.

I recall when I called second time day before our trip ( about 9.30pm) he was yawning constantly and told me he forgot to text me back and call me back. That he is shattered and plans to go to bed. I mentioned I was disappointed to chase him about details like that. That I needed organise myself etc.

The next day, at the station, he gave me a lecture how I should be more understanding. That he was simply tired and I shouldn't make a big deal out of it. I even apologised.

 

Fast forward, later I learned that at midnight on a day before a trip, after my call to him, he texted her his photo with some message. They possibly spoke than. He came to a station looking like he didn't sleep at all.

 

When I put these two facts together I asked him how come he was not too tired to talk or text her and how come she is the last woman he contacts before going to bed.

He said " evidently I was not too tired".

I understand if they would have a catch up after some time not talking but since she got in touch with him, they are in touch daily.

I don't talk with my friends daily. I don't even talk to him.

He has two female friends he is in regular contact with. I am ok with it cause I knew it from the start.

This name never popped out. He said sarcastically " do you want a list of all my friends ? Resume ?".

He kept saying he had life before he met me. Fair enough.

Despite all this, I didn't want to break up but I think he assumed me jumping right after he refused to talk about their frequency of calls, that I was leaving. He packed my stuff within seconds.

 

I have him all the space he wanted to griev in a way he wanted to. I just had no idea that he used that time to get closer with someone else.

Edited by irka000
Error
Link to post
Share on other sites

Secrets always come out. Your guardian angel at work? Who knows, but it should be a wake-up call for you. He's pouring emotional energy and time into another woman, regardless of his intentions with her. If he was scared of losing you when you saw a message from another woman with a heart attached, he'd say: Here, scroll through the messages and you'll see she's like a sister to me.

 

He doesn't care, since he packed your clothes and is okay with never seeing you again. Let him go. You're giving excuses for him because you're so into him, you don't want to see the reality that he doesn't feel the same. He wasn't considerate, blowing you off about plans. Couldn't even take 5 seconds of his day to respond to a text. He doesn't deserve a warm fuzzy goodbye. Concentrate on yourself, mourning the end of a relationship, pampering yourself, and moving on.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry, Irka.

 

You've been in almost these same shoes before, a few times now: other women, unresponsive texts, the sense that he is more present with others than he is with you. In the past you've found ways to shed them, to block out the strong, intuitive voice in your head that has been screaming to you that something here is not right, not enough. If this moment isn't enough for you to listen to that intuition, I don't know what is.

 

Even the most generous read on all this—that, in grief, he blurred some lines over text—is a read that concludes with a relationship that does not serve you, and hasn't, for a good while. My own read is not nearly so generous, for the record.

 

Why, after this, do you not want to break up?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Unfortunately you sensed all along he was just not that into this. Perhaps this is the freedom call for you to finally let go and be free to pursue someone who is into you. A lot of lessons learned about boundaries and chasing. Yes delete and block him once and for all. You both sound kind of fed up with this cat-and-mouse game.

He said his p...s is long but not long enough to reach her as she is in another country.. He packed my stuff within seconds.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you All.

What I meant is that I didn't want to break at that time when I was leaving his house. However,since he packed me so promptly I accepted this is over.

I thought about it all and it is for the best.

I didn't want to break up because a few weeks he lost a very close family member. He must be still grieving.

I didn't want to add to it. Who does that ? I am not a cruel person.

I was willing to overlook this due to circumstances.

However, he decided for us both.

I am sure he will justify this in his mind in a way that suits him. That I doubted him. I didn't trust.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

No, not at all. I am not afraid to leave. When things are so clear and evident, one has no other choice but to leave.

I can love and leave...trust me. I didn't want to do it because of the circumstances, grieving etc. However,

this wouldn't feel right any more.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Look, you did doubt him and you didn't trust him. For most of this. And you doubted yourself and didn't trust yourself. Those are dominant themes to your connection, part of what fueled the engine. The only reason you're able to even imagine this not being a dealbreaker is because you are long-conditioned to be "used" to accommodating all those doubts and distrust.

 

I don't say all that in judgement, or to add salt to the wound, but just to help you maybe see this from a different angle as you mourn it and reflect on it.

 

It was very hard for me—but eye-opening—to see that there was next to zero trust inside my last long relationship. We just did not trust each other—something we both ignored, in different ways, until we couldn't. Speaking for myself, those three years were not a waste. Good times were had, of course, and in the wake of it I learned the value of trust and respect—easy words to toss around but not words I really understood in the context of romance.

 

I'm sorry for your pain, and this latest chapter. I do hope it is the last one, because if you can make it that I'm confident that you've got a lot of joy coming your way.

Link to post
Share on other sites

While it is very sweet of you to want to stay around in his time of grief, it is very clear that he does not need the companionship since he literally packed your things for you. "I am sure he will justify this in his mind in a way that suits him. That I doubted him. I didn't trust." I'm sure he will, too. But you and I both know that you have every right to be upset when your significant other chooses to invest time in someone else and not you. He clearly doesn't understand that cheating can be and is more than just physical interaction. Not sure what the time difference between the 2 countries are, but I'm willing to bet he was so tired all the time because he stayed up to chat with her.

 

It's GOOD that you are finally out of this situation. Take time to heal and be with yourself. Focus on your own hobbies and self love. You deserve someone that will respect you more and make time for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He doesn't deserve your trust. Someone who gets so easily defensive and packs your things for you over another woman is out of his mind. This is not a good place for you. I think he's been emotionally cheating on you for a long time. You have every right to ask questions or be curious about your partner. I think not doing so is being blind to your gut feelings. Don't dumb yourself down for people who treat you badly or don't afford you the time of day.

 

I wouldn't waste any time on this person. Stop pitying him too.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh for the love of.....you are taking his loss to heart more than he is and you are using that loss and his imaginary grief to make serious excuses for what is in your face cheating. Yup, he is soooo grief stricken he has plenty of time to be cheating, texting, face timing another woman while completely ignoring you. Yeah....poor poor guy. Come on Irka....wake up already. You are dating a grade A sleazebag and it's long past due for you to dump him. Packing your stuff and walking out was the best thing you could have done for yourself. Now finish the job and get rid of him permanently. He is not a victim of anything, he isn't grieving jack and he clearly doesn't need you holding his hand for anything.

 

Stop wasting your emotions on this jerk and find a decent guy who will actually love you back and care about you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

He made me feel like I am being ridiculous for being jealous of his friendship.

Funny enough, we spoke day before about different things, including emotional cheating. He never heard of this term and disagree with it.

He simply thinks it is a friendship not cheating cause there is no physical contact.

It was an odd discussion. The next day I learned about his friend that suddenly appeared from woodwork.

Gutted as hell but as you all rightly said, he doesn't need my support.

He gets it elsewhere.

Before all this happened, he asked me if I could help him run some errands for him. Despite him packing me, I helped with it.

Do I tell him it has been done or leave it ?

I think he can find out if he calls to providers.

So I guess I will leave it

Link to post
Share on other sites

You're not married -who cares how you label it whether cheating, inappropriate, unreliable, untrustworthy, - meaning if you needed to file for divorce or custody you might need labels, proof, etc. It doesn't matter if she was just a friend, if one of them was attracted to the other -the point is he prioritized being in contact with her over responding to your text that was about plans, then lied about it. Then packed up your things and didn't care about trying to resolve this.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Enough beating yourself up.

 

Your read on this guy, for nearly a year, if not longer, has been that he is shady. Shady with women, shady with you. The reason for that is because he is shady.

 

He knows this. Thing is, he wants only to be rewarded for it. He wants women to validate the shade, not bring him out of it. If not rewarded, he shirks away, gets defensive, deflective. Expecting something else is like waiting for a brunette to turn into a blonde. Doesn't happen, no matter how hard you squint, and the roots will show quickly if you reach for the dye.

 

It is not a cute look. It has not been a cute ride for you. You want sunshine, not shade. Time to seek it, and let him do whatever it is he needs to do to get through the days. Whatever that is, it does not serve you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you all very much for the advice, words of wisdom and support. My friend said " are you crazy ? He is good guy, come on, all men flirt and entertain other women for attention until they will get caught. I am sure he will stop now as it will not longer be forbidden fruit"

Hmm I don't think I want to wait it out plus I was packed.

I will go through it. We had plans for Christmas to go away and it is a pity but so be it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Lose that friend too - free advice😉

My friend said " are you crazy ? He is good guy, come on, all men flirt and entertain other women for attention until they will get caught. I am sure he will stop now as it will not longer be forbidden fruit"
Link to post
Share on other sites
My friend said " are you crazy ? He is good guy, come on, all men flirt and entertain other women for attention until they will get caught. I am sure he will stop now as it will not longer be forbidden fruit"

Your friend has some serious low self esteem if this is how she views this.

But you got that, right?

You on the other hand believe you deserve better. . or at least you are coming to terms with that idea.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Wiseman, that made me laugh ! Thank you. Reinvent, I sure know and normally when I was concerned about something with him, I was at panick mode. Couldnt breathe properly. Surprsingly, I am calm.

I know that he won't get what happened as in his eyes it's nothing wrong keeping in touch with a friend. She lives in another country now so no physical intimacy.

So what the hell is my issue?

He talks more with her than with me ? So what ? Forgets to call me back but doesn't forget to contact her ? No Biggie ....

I remember he said " I thought you said you aren't a jealous person "?

Eh ...I will leave them be.

Mamy thanks to All.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...