leseine7 Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 I really hoped I wouldn't be writing this, but I need to figure things out, so here I am. I had our daughter end of May, and for the most part the motherhood thing has been wonderful. I love her so much. So so much it hurts. I am so proud to be her mother, and I need to emphasise this because I feel so guilty about all the rest. I had a pretty rough labor and my body has struggled to recover. That's one thing. On top of that, my husband and I had planned to move to a house (from a one bedroom apartment) just a couple of months after she was born. The house is lovely and in the same village as my office, so on that front I'm also very happy. But, it's a rickety old Dutch house in an old farm village, and there is a lot to do. House is in good shape. But still. It's a house. I have not seen my family much - most of them I haven't seen since Christmas. I live here in the Netherlands, and my whole family is in NY. My parents visited, but I was so stressed and busy with the move and postpartum craziness that I barely feel like I managed to enjoy any time with them. But (sigh) I have to admit the stress factor is 100% coming from my marriage. I hate to say any of this, because my husband is an incredible person. He's the type of guy every woman I know wants to be married to - doting, thoughtful, on top of things, cooks me dinner (honestly, he handles most if not all of the food situation at home), hands-on with our baby and just, overall, a lovely, attractive, loving man. So let me get this straight now: I'm very happy with him and I intend to work this out. The baby, the move and many factors in his family have caused him to be a nagging, at times neurotic, moody, critical person lately and that mixed with my sleep deprivation, homesickness and hormones is a tricky combination. When my parents were visiting my mom noted that my husband was not himself, and she seemed very concerned that I was "walking on eggshells." He was snapping at just about everyone, including my parents, which made me livid and I couldn't keep quiet about how shocked and concerned I was. We've been in a cycle now where he tells me frequently that Im amazing and handling everything beautifully, only to randomly be quiet, sullen and withdrawn for no reason. If I ask what's wrong, he will withdraw further. If he does eventually open up, it's usually in anger, and he'll tell me how he's exhausted because he's "Doing everything" and I'm not doing anything. If I react by telling him all the things I'm doing around the house/ in life in general, he says nothing and then challenges it by saying, "You make that sound like it's much of anything." He's always had a tough spot when it comes to home stuff. he gets restless and hates to clean, and I actually LOVE to clean, so I am the one who usually scrubs the fridge, organises our pantries and closets, irons, and so on. It's a relaxing thing for me, and it helps me feel like my home is in good shape when life gets nuts. But it's almost like, because he doesn't see me sweat over dishes, he doesn't realize that I am doing these things. Because I don't mind and don't complain about getting up three times a night to nurse our baby girl, it's like he forgets I even did it. I'll sometimes be nursing her while he's working on something in the house, and he'll turn and say, "Enjoying a little relax moment?" I cannot stress enough how abundantly out of character all of this is of him. I've reacted by taking a step back and writing to him when calm in a rational way to just say, "look, we need to find a way to chill with each other a little bit..." and he'll agree that he was out of line, he's sorry, he knows I'm doing a lot, etc etc. But then not three days later, he'll make a "joke" about how I am not doing anything, and I will be in the same position of wondering if I need to defend myself and tell him what I'm up to or just try to let it go, even if his comments break me down. I know that he's stressed out. I am too. I just miss how we were before the baby. He's always had his moody moments, but they've never been so pointed right at me. I feel like I cannot move in this house without setting him off. I feel like when I try to take a breather here and there, I'm almost certainly getting behind on something he wants me to help with. I'm also deeply concerned about his stress level because - again - this is truly out of character for him. Ive been trying to find us a couples counsellor for awhile now. It seems to be a fruitless search here, for reasons Ill get into another time. I just know that I cannot keep up with the demands he places on me and I don't want to watch our marriage go down the drain. Any thoughts out there are deeply appreciated. It's hard to write a post like this without making my husband sound like a monster so I do want to emphasise that he does so much for us and I'm sure there is more i can do to let the tense moments pass. I just wish they wouldn't arise to begin with. Ok, vent over. Link to comment
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