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Great first date, and now I’m ghosted. I think.


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Honestly, I just wanted some insight on his behavior. I was not expecting to be lectured on why it’s a bad idea to go to his house. Also, I’ve been sexually assaulted by someone I did not date, he was a tattoo artist. And he assaulted me in a public place while giving me a tattoo. Don’t make my question turn into a rape discussion. You can get assaulted by your partner, so yeah. I know I have to be careful. I made sure several friends knew exactly where I was, and I make sure someone keeps tabs on me to know I’m safe.

 

I also didn’t want to marry the guy or something. And thanks to everyone trying to imply I’m an “easy” girl just because I let myself go this time. For a forum called “not alone”, most people have done a great job making me feel more alone than I was an hour ago, lol.

 

You can get assaulted in broad daylight. So what. I'm referring to managing the risks and since you yourself said you're "not dumb" then you know it's really risky to go to a stranger's house the first time you meet him through a dating site.. And he is not ghosting you. He's a near stranger who decided he doesn't want to see you again -he has no obligation to contact you to tell you that. Silence =lack of interest.

 

I have no idea if you're easy or promiscuous. I do know that your behavior with this guy comes across as having no regard for your personal safety and being interested in casual sex - being interested in casual sex with him comes with no judgment from me -two single people wanting to have sex, no biggie. Doesn't make you easy in the least or promiscuous -I'm making observations based on what you wrote you chose to do. And yes it is easy for men on dating sites to find women who will come to their homes and have sex with them the first time they meet. That part is relatively easy- I know this generally and I know this from male acquaintances who would share with me their war stories about women they contacted on these sites or met in person at clubs or bars. I'm not judging two adults who choose to have casual consensual sex at all.

 

It doesn't matter if several friends knew where you were. You didn't know who else would be there, who would be coming over, etc - it only takes seconds. I am a fan of telling a friend about meeting someone at a public place and the timing but what is a friend supposed to do to get there in minutes to a place you've never even been yourself?

 

Take it as a lecture if you like. I'm fine with being judged by you that way in this situation. It's worth it if you or someone reading this maybe thinks twice.

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Try not to take it personally, Pat. There are all sorts of different opinions given. Take from it what works for you.

The people mentioning about being careful though, are worried about your well being. They aren't trying to be condescending.

 

You obviously sound as though you know what you're doing. That being said, not sure about this guy. I do think he was into you, at least during the date, perhaps he felt more comfortable doing his business in the bathroom and then pleasuring you.

 

If you're comfortable messaging him, try it out and see if you get a positive response.

It really is what works best for you.

 

He didn’t take much time, and I heard he was peeing. I might message him later, I just don’t know what to say to make it less awkward than it already is.

 

How old is he? Were you both drinking? Sounds like situational ED.

 

No drinking involved. Either of us drink. He’s 30 and I’ll be 30 by the end of the year.

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Well, I hope you didn't take my post as a lecture. I'm not one to point fingers at others for engaging in versions of evenings I've engaged in here and there.

 

On that note, herewith an uncensored analysis of his behavior from a pixilated male. He was plenty "down to," at least in theory, since the date was constructed with the possibility of sex, or at least hooking up, as his primary goal. The sushi, the movie—those were just the appetizers, literal and figurative, for the main course.

 

But when dinner time came round? Well, it was kind of awkward. First few bites were nice, but then not so nice. He was in his home with a half naked woman, unable to maintain an erection, not a state of being craved by most males. He wanted to do x, but you didn't want x, and your self-consciousness was a turn off; you wanted y, which he didn't want, because self-consciousness is contagious and he'd caught the bug.

 

And so where there was a flash of heat, there was now two self-conscious strangers—a moment that could be goofy and intimate with someone you actually know, but a bit depleting and draining when it's a stranger.

 

So he started thinking two things: 1. "How do I end this?" 2. "How do I jumpstart this?" Cue fingertip fondling, bringing you to climax. Phew. Sigh. A bit of his mojo has returned—psychically speaking, but not physically, since the blood still ain't rushing to you know where—and, with that, he called the evening. Not the end of the world, but an awkward spin around the sun, hence he's not itching to text you and set up another round of Twister.

 

It's simple, really. The aftertaste of the whole thing was a static-y pal of awkwardness and self-consciousness. The half-naked stranger part was nice, as was bringing the half-naked stranger to orgasm. But the part where his machinery shut down, and where you were tugging his boxers while the turtle was crawling into its shell, left a mark for him. Too vulnerable, and the wrong kind of vulnerability for the moment.

 

He's got 7 other people he's chatting with. Maybe some he's already hooked up with, without the awkwardness. Others present the possibility of a non-awkward hookup. Those options have likely taken precedence, for the time being, over an interest in seeing what could be what with you. A text for you could change that—slightly, maybe—since it would signal to him that you remain "down to," giving his fragile male ego the jolt its seeking.

 

My few cents.

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Well, I hope you didn't take my post as a lecture. I'm not one to point fingers at others for engaging in versions of evenings I've engaged in here and there.

 

On that note, herewith an uncensored analysis of his behavior from a pixilated male. He was plenty "down to," at least in theory, since the date was constructed with the possibility of sex, or at least hooking up, as his primary goal. The sushi, the movie—those were just the appetizers, literal and figurative, for the main course.

 

But when dinner time came round? Well, it was kind of awkward. First few bites were nice, but then not so nice. He was in his home with a half naked woman, unable to maintain an erection, not a state of being craved by most males. He wanted to do x, but you didn't want x, and your self-consciousness was a turn off; you wanted y, which he didn't want, because self-consciousness is contagious and he'd caught the bug.

 

And so where there was a flash of heat, there was now two self-conscious strangers—a moment that could be goofy and intimate with someone you actually know, but a bit depleting and draining when it's a stranger.

 

So he started thinking two things: 1. "How do I end this?" 2. "How do I jumpstart this?" Cue fingertip fondling, bringing you to climax. Phew. Sigh. A bit of his mojo has returned—psychically speaking, but not physically, since the blood still ain't rushing to you know where—and, with that, he called the evening. Not the end of the world, but an awkward spin around the sun, hence he's not itching to text you and set up another round of Twister.

 

It's simple, really. The aftertaste of the whole thing was a static-y pal of awkwardness and self-consciousness. The half-naked stranger part was nice, as was bringing the half-naked stranger to orgasm. But the part where his machinery shut down, and where you were tugging his boxers while the turtle was crawling into its shell, left a mark for him. Too vulnerable, and the wrong kind of vulnerability for the moment.

 

He's got 7 other people he's chatting with. Maybe some he's already hooked up with, without the awkwardness. Others present the possibility of a non-awkward hookup. Those options have likely taken precedence, for the time being, over an interest in seeing what could be what with you. A text for you could change that—slightly, maybe—since it would signal to him that you remain "down to," giving his fragile male ego the jolt its seeking.

 

My few cents.

 

Yes and this is far more likely to happen with sexual encounters with a stranger. If the couple are in a relationship and know each other and have sex after being connected emotionally, after having spent periods of time dating and being physical and sexual -then the couple can communicate if there is some issue with the performance. And likely resolve it and try again and again. Because they already are invested in one another. He has no motivation to do so with the OP when he has all these other options to explore with other near strangers.

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Well, I hope you didn't take my post as a lecture. I'm not one to point fingers at others for engaging in versions of evenings I've engaged in here and there.

 

On that note, herewith an uncensored analysis of his behavior from a pixilated male. He was plenty "down to," at least in theory, since the date was constructed with the possibility of sex, or at least hooking up, as his primary goal. The sushi, the movie—those were just the appetizers, literal and figurative, for the main course.

 

But when dinner time came round? Well, it was kind of awkward. First few bites were nice, but then not so nice. He was in his home with a half naked woman, unable to maintain an erection, not a state of being craved by most males. He wanted to do x, but you didn't want x, and your self-consciousness was a turn off; you wanted y, which he didn't want, because self-consciousness is contagious and he'd caught the bug.

 

And so where there was a flash of heat, there was now two self-conscious strangers—a moment that could be goofy and intimate with someone you actually know, but a bit depleting and draining when it's a stranger.

 

So he started thinking two things: 1. "How do I end this?" 2. "How do I jumpstart this?" Cue fingertip fondling, bringing you to climax. Phew. Sigh. A bit of his mojo has returned—psychically speaking, but not physically, since the blood still ain't rushing to you know where—and, with that, he called the evening. Not the end of the world, but an awkward spin around the sun, hence he's not itching to text you and set up another round of Twister.

 

It's simple, really. The aftertaste of the whole thing was a static-y pal of awkwardness and self-consciousness. The half-naked stranger part was nice, as was bringing the half-naked stranger to orgasm. But the part where his machinery shut down, and where you were tugging his boxers while the turtle was crawling into its shell, left a mark for him. Too vulnerable, and the wrong kind of vulnerability for the moment.

 

He's got 7 other people he's chatting with. Maybe some he's already hooked up with, without the awkwardness. Others present the possibility of a non-awkward hookup. Those options have likely taken precedence, for the time being, over an interest in seeing what could be what with you. A text for you could change that—slightly, maybe—since it would signal to him that you remain "down to," giving his fragile male ego the jolt its seeking.

 

My few cents.

 

I actually told him prior to seeing him in person that I didn’t want to have sex straight away, as I wasn’t sure how I’d feel in person with him. But the connection was so good, it just happened naturally I guess. Also, thanks for this answer. It was what I was hoping to get. Not being called things I’m not. Thanks!

 

You could just say, "Hey, how are you doing? Was thinking about you" and then just take it from there.

 

Thanks for your answer, I might try to text him something like that later!

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Yes and this is far more likely to happen with sexual encounters with a stranger. If the couple are in a relationship and know each other and have sex after being connected emotionally, after having spent periods of time dating and being physical and sexual -then the couple can communicate if there is some issue with the performance. And likely resolve it and try again and again. Because they already are invested in one another. He has no motivation to do so with the OP when he has all these other options to explore with other near strangers.

 

Yup.

 

That's the dice roll of going for the home run in the first inning: when you swing and miss that becomes the story. The professional baseball player has to play the next 8 innings—since he is, you know, at work—but the Bumble date can return to the first inning against a new pitcher the very next day.

 

Ever go to a movie that you're super stoked to see, only to find said movie kind of tedious halfway in? Odds are you don't become that director's biggest fan. Had you seen and admired the director's earlier work, on the other hand, you'd have a different attitude: either able to enjoy what seemed tedious, because of familiarity with his work, or able to see what was tedious in a larger context that didn't make it too tedious.

 

It's like that.

 

Here's the interesting part. While both of you are probably in agreement that the night was awkward, it sounds like your interest has been increased by the awkwardness. Is that because, putting aside the physical malfunctioning and semi-functioning, you found him to be a compelling dude? Or is it because you want a chance to prove to him that, with you, the game of Twister needn't be so tangled?

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No when he went into the bathroom he rubbed one out. You know the song "Jizz in my pants", and it's possible he's the type (PE) and was gonna blow before he got out of the gate. He finished himself off, and wanted to finish her off with oral.

 

Girl if you want to see him again, just give him a text to meetup if casual is alright with you. I'm sure he will oblige. Seriously, you are making this into more than it really is.

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Your thread title calls this meeting a "first date". So I presume, despite being fine with "casual", you want to see him again in more of a dating situation.

 

Are you looking for someone to spend a little time with and have sex? Or are you looking for dates? To me these are two different things.

 

I've had both, a guy I hung out with (usually at home) who I had sex with, and men who I went out to dinner, films, events, etc. with where sex wasn't the main reason for spending time together.

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I actually told him prior to seeing him in person that I didn’t want to have sex straight away, as I wasn’t sure how I’d feel in person with him. But the connection was so good, it just happened naturally I guess. Also, thanks for this answer. It was what I was hoping to get. Not being called things I’m not. Thanks!

 

Here's the thing: Telling someone you don't know, over an app, that you don't want to have sex straight away is basically telling them that you want to have sex straight away. Sure, maybe it doesn't mean tonight, but the message you are sending is that you are thinking about yourself, the stranger, and the meet up in a context that is primarily sexual. Not just that: you are sending the message that you want someone to know this is what you're thinking.

 

No judgment, truly. Thing is, that will turn some people off. It will turn some people off because it front-loads everything with pressure, with some men shifting into performance anxiety mode when you still only exit in pixels, and it will turn some people off because, cavemen and cavewomen we all are in some part of our beings, we don't want to be seen as just a caveman or cavewoman. Sometimes, sure. But not across the boards.

 

Me, for instance? I swiped left on every woman who had "no hookups" as part of their profile. That's not because I was interested in only hookups—hardly, though I was down should those stars align—but because the message that sent my brain is that those women were either (a) using apps primarily to hookup while being annoyed at themselves for that or (b) they viewed "all men" as only wanting "one thing," and I'm not interested in having a glass of wine in order to prove that I'm not "like all the others." I am an adult, you are an adult. If we have sex, whenever we have sex, it's because two adult humans decided to have sex.

 

There are a zillion ways to communicate to someone that you don't want to have sex straight away without putting sex front and center from the start. You can set up a date where sex isn't an option, as others have mentioned, unless you want to get arrested in a Starbucks. Or you can just not have sex, and when things get a little randy you tap the brakes, set that boundary. A firmer tap may be required with different dudes, but, minus the most unhinged post-frat types, the message is easy to metabolize.

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Here's the thing: If you're genuinely fine with something casual you wouldn't be thinking about this, posting here. Because all that? That's the definition of "something casual." You made sushi with a stranger, got a little randy, with the randy part being more awkward than not, as often happens when strangers get randy. Whatever it is you "really like" about this guy is 90 percent generated by your imagination, and 10 percent generated by whatever went down 30 or so hours ago. People who are fine with something casual know that math from the get-go, and the most orgasmic of nights does not change that math, while the nights that are a little clunky, as this one was, tend to change the math.

 

I'm not going to read you any sort of riot act about first date randiness. I've done it plenty. Some led to 2nd dates and more, some did not. So it goes. But if you can't have that attitude—like, for real—there are more of these moments on the horizon.

 

He might text you again, he might not. You can certainly text him. It kind of does't matter with casual.

 

My thoughts exactly. My sense is that he is testing the waters by not texting to see if you are going to go Stage 5 Clinger after a night of heavy petting. If you are okay with casual then just go on about your life until you hear from him again, or text him to see if he is up for a booty call.... based on your description it doesn't sound like he wants more than that.

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Well....I think you need to relax a bit or a lot. It's been what? 24 hours or so since your date and you are already worried he hasn't reached out? Breathe....and give him some time. Some guys move fast, some don't, especially early on. You two have just met so you aren't a couple, you aren't dating yet, you both need to think if you want to, plus some people simply don't rush into daily communication and contact. If he doesn't reach out in three days, then you can write him off, but right now....not yet.

 

If you think the night was a bit awkward, then you might want to text him and give him a green light to ask you out again so to speak. He might be thinking the same, that maybe it was awkward, maybe he made an azz out of himself or whatever and put you off too much. I also think he helped himself in the bathroom and that was it for the night.

 

Thing is that after one date you have no idea, so the real question is do you want to see him again or not? If yes, then give it a shot and text him. If not, oh well. You decide. To be honest, give him at least until evening.

 

The other factor that you need to understand is that being a chef is a rough job and doesn't make him very available even if he wants to be. Nights, holidays, weekends - all work work work. It's not just incredibly time consuming, but physically exhausting as well. If you need a guy who can maintain a lot of contact and give you a lot of attention, this is probably not likely to work out. Something to think about.

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I was standing up to check on my phone meanwhile and then he hugged me from behind, and he undressed me but left my underwear on. We got back in bed and he left his clothes on the whole time. He tried to go down on me but I didn’t let him cause I was feeling self conscious. I tried to take his pants/underwear off but he wouldn’t let me.
Maybe his genital sores weren't healed yet?

 

Girl, you don't even know this guy so if you're going to text and bate him for another meet up then please at least carry your own condoms so you could insist he wear one if he actually can get hard?

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The fact that he wasn't hard really does confuse me though.

 

He was hard to begin with, went to the bathroom and didn't get hard again. I wonder what he was doing in the bathroom...

 

To the OP - text if you want to meet up for a booty call, but I'd be very surprised if this guy is looking for anything serious.

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So, I know you don't want to hear this, but I'll be a little blunt here: making sushi at his house and going into his bedroom to "watch a film" was all code for him wanting sex.

 

That's 3rd date or later kind of stuff.

 

First time meeting? Always a public place, always a coffee, a glass of wine, maybe some appetizers. Maybe dinner if it feels right. But never, never, never go into someone's home that you haven't already met. I know, you probably googled the heck out of him, you felt safe, yada yada. It's still not a good idea. Let's say he's the safest guy in the world.....you still left very little for him to work towards, and you didn't give him the one thing he really wanted.

 

If you want to text him, go ahead. But be prepared for more of this: he invites you over for a glass of wine so he can "teach" you a cooking skill, you end up in the bedroom, and sooner or later, you're either going to give inn and have sex, or he's just going to stop responding to the texts.

 

Sorry to be so blunt. I know this is hurtful. Ask me how I know. :stung:

 

I totally agree.

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