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Tonight I feel hurt and pain and jealousy. I have this friend who I have had an on and off again friendship for several years. The last few weeks I’ve been unhappy with some things she’s said and done. Mostly because if I’m not feeling well or need to cancel plans she gets very moody with me. And uses language like,” you’re going to flake on our plans today, yeah?” And the when I say I’m not feeling well, she gives me one word responses.

 

I wasn’t feeling well today and wanted to cancel plans to stay home and rest. But after the one word responses and fear of her being upset I actually went to meet her up. We went to this event that she didn’t want to go alone to and then got dinner. At dinner I was talking about a mutual friend and said some opinions about the mutual friend. She said to me I don’t want to make a comment because you have loose lips. And she brought up two situations where I shared some things she said about others. These are situations in the past that I apologised for. It really hurt my feelings.

 

Everytime I bring up something hurtful she’s said or done to me. She doesn’t say sorry I said that. She tries to bring up something hurtful I’ve done to her. Instead of saying I’m sorry I made you feel that way, she says sorry you feel that way. As if she doesn’t take any responsibility.

 

She’s in a loving relationship and I’m not. Sometimes I feel maybe I’m jealous that being the type of person she is that she finds love and I’m always alone. We went to Target yesterday so I could grab a gift for my nephew birthday and she saw a heart shaped box and got two...she tells me oh I am getting one for my mom and my boyfriend and I’m going to put notes of all the things I love about them. It made me feel pretty lonely and sure that’s my insecurities. Also, Her boyfriend lives many miles away from her and makes weekend trips to go visit him but she won’t drive to my side of the bay stating oh well there’s not much to do on your side.

 

Many times she just wants to go eat out with me or wants me to come with her to events because she doesn’t want to go alone and then complains that all we do is eat that I don’t go to events with her.

 

It’s just becoming too much for me, and I’m tired of feeling like I’m the one who does bad things. And she’s never responsible.

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You need to dump her and find new friends.

 

Your friend lacks empathy and she's disrespectful. She never places herself in your shoes. In the future, whenever you don't feel well, learn to say, "NO." Learn to decline easily and stop being a people pleaser. If the other person refuses to understand your answer, that's their problem, not yours.

 

She is gaslighting you. Google that word: Gaslighting. She manipulates the conversation by deflecting. Hence, her example: "I'm sorry you feel that way" is classic gaslighting. I've heard this all my life. It's the most insincere, smug, arrogant, callous, indifferent, shallow and cowardly comment on this Earth and nothing I hadn't heard before.

 

She rubs it in your face that she's in a loving relationship because she is insecure. Secure people are cognizant of others and know how to behave morally, graciously and with impeccable manners.

 

She doesn't sound like she's fun to hang out with and I fail to see her humor. She's manipulative and a bad person. Get rid of her. You can certainly do better and you deserve to be with a friend who knows how to treat you with respect, common courtesy and common decency. Get that straight.

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Because she’s fun to hang out with and makes me laugh. But she’s very manipulative also. I’m always feeling like the bad person.

 

She's fun to hang out with? Not by your description, she isn't.

 

Sure, she makes you laugh sometimes. But it also sounds like there is strong toxic undercurrent to your "friendship" with her. I put that word in quotes because it doesn't sound like much of a friendship. It appears it only really works when you do what she wants, on her terms.

 

How often do you actually talk to her and see her?

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Unfortunately not too many other available friends. Tough part is it’s nice to go try new restaurants with her and joke around. But then she’s disrespectful and sometimes makes mean comments or runs late on me if I’m accidentally late on her. Or calling me loose lips tonight as a way to explain why she doesn’t give opinions of others to me.

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The best thing you can do for yourself is get a good checkup from a doctor and follow up on medical treatment as well as regular therapy to monitor your feelings and symptoms..

 

As far as freinds go, don't make plans at all rather than cancel last minute. If someone is draining to you, just don't hang out with them. Instead find things that are uplifting to you such as joining groups (especially support groups), clubs, sports etc. Do things that improve your physical and mental health and you'll start to feel better. Don't rely on friendships for that especially when they are turbulent.

I'm a 33 year old woman with bipolar disorder, unmedicated and feeling so alone. I feel like everyone can tell so have depression and no one wants to be around me.After recently loosing a friendship because I depleted her energy, I am left alone again.
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Yes, should I send her a message that I’m no longer interested in a friendship. It’s definitely hard for me to do because for the last 7 months we’ve communicated daily. I know I’ll need to fill my time with hobbies and making new friends. Things had gotten so comfortable between us that I was willing to do anything to maintain the up and down friendship.

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Why not just fade out quietly. Dramatic messages seem a bit over the top. Simply stop confiding in her and stop accepting her invitations. Just be busy a lot. Keep in mind she's not evil, you've just outgrown each other. She's happy and you're not. So leave her alone. Confide in your therapist more and not in acquaintances.

Yes, should I send her a message that I’m no longer interested in a friendship.
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Thanks! I guess I will fade out quietly. There’s no point in communicating as we don’t see eye to eye. I don’t think she’s happy. Sure she has a boyfriend but he spend half his time here and half his time in another country. She’s nearly 40, overweight, lives with her mom, unmarried, no kids, and her boyfriend doesn’t want to get married. She also has a lot of daddy issues. Her father left when she was young and used to always cancel plans which is the reason why she gets an attitude if I happen to cancel a plan. Many people have issues with her and it’s really her way or the highway. She doesn’t really care about losing our friendship. When I’m around she’s happy she has someone to pass time with, when I’m not around she doesn’t care. Thanks for helping me process that it’s time to say bye for good.

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Yes, should I send her a message that I’m no longer interested in a friendship. It’s definitely hard for me to do because for the last 7 months we’ve communicated daily. I know I’ll need to fill my time with hobbies and making new friends. Things had gotten so comfortable between us that I was willing to do anything to maintain the up and down friendship.

 

This is where you need to stop and reflect. You need to figure out why you were volunteering to jump through hoops for someone who doesn't treat you right and sure ain't jumping through hoops for you.

 

You write about her, but what about you? How's your self-esteem, not just in friendships but across all areas of your life?

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Thanks for helping me see. She makes me feel like a bad person. Anyhow, how do I tell her that I don’t wish to be close friends without ghosting.

 

Let the friendship naturally drift apart. Politely decline getting together and sooner or later, she'll take the hint. If she's insistent or confrontational, simply say, "No thank you" like a broken record until she gets your message that no means no. Let the friendship die on its own.

 

It's better to be alone than lonely and miserable with the wrong friend.

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I’m not getting the toxic friend vibe here.

 

I think the whole she has a boyfriend and you don’t is stirring up some jealousy in you and causing you to find everything she does irritating. I think the hearts at target set you off. Why would she buy you one anyway? See just seems nitpicky, you want to distance yourself so you’re looking for reassurance that it’s cause she’s bad and not your own feelings of insecurity.

 

That’s my take at least

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