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Boyfriend keeps declining sex


Hollsmaur
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So I just got into a new relationship, and we met about 2 months ago. We get on really well and he’s honestly the kindest person. He pays me compliments, he’s honest, he’s very affectionate and always cuddles and kisses me and doesn’t mind PDA. It’s just that he seems to decline sex whenever I mention it. I have asked him why, and he said he wants to make sure it doesn’t mess the relationship up because he wants us to last. So it’s a case of me being ready before him? We have done other little bits and fondled but even then I’m the one who initiates it first and when I perform sexual acts he doesn’t even seem he’s enjoying it, like i’ll Be in the middle of doing it and he’ll be laying there still looking at the ceiling and then he’ll just tell me he’s going to cum and that’s it.. no expression or groaning (sorry too much info). It makes me feel a bit deflated. I love being intimate and it makes me feel like maybe I’m doing something wrong or that he has issues he’s not telling me about. It’s just sexual intimacy that’s an issue like I say he has no problem kissing me and stuff. He’s only ever had 1 other girl who broke his heart and he was single for 7 years. He doesn’t get much sleep (about 3 hours a day) so maybe they are both factors that have something to do with it. I just don’t know what to do to resolve this

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I've got a few thoughts.

 

Two months is early. Why the rush? Just like some people take time to label themselves a boyfriend or girlfriend—something I'd never be comfortable with after only 60 days—some people like to take their time with sex. And whether you start having sex after the second date or on the fourth month, I think it happens when you've both done the dancing required to get comfortable with getting naked. Sometimes part of that dance is someone mentioning it (you) and the other (him) saying they're not quite ready. Cool. More dancing. Then the clothes come off when the time is right.

 

Many men will happily have sex with you after a week, and then not talk to you again. A man who is really interested in talking to you without having sex with you—well, not the worst sign, you know?

 

That said, do I see some reasons to raise an eyebrow? Sure. He sounds, by your description, to be a little suppressed, a little in his head and out of his body. Is that because, before you meeting you, he had a bunch of random, go-nowhere sex that left him feeling hollowed out or led to drama? Perhaps. Is that because he's just not that into sex, or totally feeling you? Perhaps. Or is he totally enjoying himself but, alas, not expressing it in a way that you enjoy? Perhaps.

 

Thing is, going down the wormhole of asking those questions is always a lost cause. At two months you're still figuring out if you two work, if you're compatible. If the physical side of the relationship is making you feel "a bit deflated" and questioning yourself—well, that's kind of just incompatibility. It's a way people do not want to feel in romance. There is thin line between being patient and letting things develop and trying to force something that isn't quite there.

 

You, in the end, are the only one who can determine which side you're on. But feeling "deflated" after 2 months is often a symptom of forcing something.

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I see what you’re saying. Sometimes I do think maybe it’s me? I’ve had bad relationships and had a long line of men who just wanted the sex so maybe I don’t know how to take it when sex isn’t a priority for a man? I do tend to overthink a lot and sometimes struggle to believe I’m actually wanted due to the past, but everything else he does proves he’s into me, it’s just the lack of sex bit, I guess some people take longer to get comfortable and I’m up for waiting for him because he is my definition of perfect and all I’ve ever looked for in a person

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I'd suggest taking a deep breath and toning down the language. He is actually not the "definition of perfect" and everything you've "ever looked for in a person." Those are words from a fortune cookie being applied to a situation that isn't that sweet. It takes far more than two months too know any of that, and, well, you already know that, sexually, there is a lot he is not providing you that you look for in people.

 

Be honest, you see? That doesn't mean you have to end this tomorrow, but it means being in what it real not what you hope it might be. When you can do that there's less overthinking. And if there's lots of over-thinking? That's generally a good sign that the gap between what is real and what you hope it is is too wide.

 

You are dating a guy who seems great but who you're not totally vibing with sexually. That is your life right now. Don't judge it, just observe it. If it continues to be your life it means that you did not find your definition of perfect or all you've ever looked for. Means you have to go back to looking.

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Try stepping back. If he looks this bored, just stop. Sounds like he's laying there thinking "blowup doll" to himself, not "we are falling in love"

 

PS. Don't take his lassitude personally, he was probably never a real barrel of fun in bed.

I’m the one who initiates it first and when I perform sexual acts he doesn’t even seem he’s enjoying it, like i’ll Be in the middle of doing it and he’ll be laying there still looking at the ceiling
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To add: Just because you got mixed up with some dudes who were all about sex and little else doesn't mean you have bend to be happy(ish) with a dude who doesn't have the juju you need. That's stuff for therapy, not dating.

 

Personal example: I like lots of hot sex and sexually charged people. My ex was one of them, as have all of my exes. My last one cheated on me. That sucked. It doesn't mean I went off to commit to someone who wasn't into sex but who I was confident wouldn't cheat on me. No, I dusted off and went back out there to find what I want: hot sex, hot sexual charge, with fidelity, among a zillion other connection points that are important for me to press the commitment button.

 

You're awesome, you're great. That is forever, your baseline. Doesn't mean that all men will want you as you want to be wanted, or even want you at all, or want you for all the reasons you want to be wanted. None of that changes your baseline. That is all just dudes who aren't right for you.

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It's not your problem to resolve. You have an inert cold guy still pining about someone from nearly a decade ago. Dating shouldn't be social work or a rescue mission. Don't try to fix him. Just tell him it's not a match and find someone who's not from the set of Night Of The Living Dead.

I just don’t know what to do to resolve this
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It’s just that he seems to decline sex whenever I mention it. I have asked him why, and he said he wants to make sure it doesn’t mess the relationship up because he wants us to last. We have done other little bits and fondled but even then I’m the one who initiates it first and when I perform sexual acts he doesn’t even seem he’s enjoying it,

 

What I am reading is you have a guy who's telling you he doesn't want to rush into a sexual relationship, yet you initiate, you give and he reluctantly accepts the favor.

 

If the roles were reversed and a woman wanted to wait and ultimately obliged a guy who kept initiating, what would you say then?

 

Listen to what he's telling you and don't push. Let him meet you half way.

What's the rush?

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Whoa. you have been only dating 8 WEEKS. what is the rush?? He told you he is not ready to have sex with you, so cut it out. Go on dates and get to know him. A lot of women would be tripping over themselves to meet a guy who was a gentleman, felt that sex was meaningful and wanted to get to know her first.

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I think what's happening in this situation is the same thing many men experience when women want to wait to have sex with them -- that being, the questioning of sexual attraction.

 

Which is what many men do question when women they're dating (especially for two months) want to wait and often times it's actually true.

 

So FWIW I understand how you feel and if me, I would walk away. Believe me, in my experience, no man who is sexually attracted to you or any woman is going to lie there staring at the ceiling, waiting for "it" to be over when you're sexually engaging him. No way.

 

Sorry not possible unless he is asexual (or gay), and if that's the case, given your high sexual energy, why would you want to get involved with a man who is asexual or a closet gay who clearly does not enjoy having sex with a woman, even when she is doing all the work?

 

Many a man has said goodbye to women who play the "wants to wait" sexual card. In your guy's case I don't think it's manipulation so much as he is not that sexually attracted to you, or asexual or a closet gay who isn't comfortable with his sexuality and hiding behind you and other women so as to appear hetero (more normal in his eyes).

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He doesn't sound all there at all, OP. Someone who's been single for seven years (total crickets...not even casual dating or meeting people or spontaneous romances) seems hard to believe. The three hours sleep would also be an issue to me. How is his health in general?

 

Sorry this is happening. I agree with the others. Don't push the sexual intimacy. If this isn't a fulfilling relationship to you and you aren't getting the affection you need to be happy or don't enjoy your dynamic, do the mature thing and re-evaluate whether this is right for you overall.

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Someone who's been single for seven years (total crickets...not even casual dating or meeting people or spontaneous romances) seems hard to believe. .

 

Why is this so hard to believe? Because our society pushes that the only way to win at life is to get laid, get into a relationship and procreate at every opportunity. As men, we are expected to talk to and hit on every girl who moves that is mildly attractive, and our masculinity is measured by how often we get laid and how much beer we can chug.

 

There are whole sects of people throughout the world who practice chastity and are held in great regard by society for doing so - Monks, to name one. Women will go years in a relationship without sex because they are waiting for marriage, and do not get labelled closet gay or asexual. But a man who does not want to have sex at ever opportunity, who does not want to date or have spontaneous romances, is seen as weird, strange, less of a man and unbelievable.

 

If anyone, man or woman, says they do not want to have sex right at the moment, that is their right and should not be forced to do it against their will. A woman who is badgered into sex for the first time would not lie there and enjoy it, why should a man?

 

OP, if you want or expect more sex at this stage of a relationship and are not prepared to respect another person's wishes with regards to their requirement, find someone that just wants to get into your pants at every opportunity and leave this guy to deal with whatever he is going through.

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Keyman I get what you're saying and agree, however if the guy was so dead set on not having sex, which is OK, why did he allow her to engage him sexually, and then lie there bored looking at the ceiling completely emotionless?

 

Why not just stick to his guns and maintain he wants to wait?

 

There's something else at play here other than he prefers to wait.

 

He didn't wait, he had sex and in doing so, lay there bored causing the OP to feel undesirable and sexually deflated.

 

That is the issue as I see it.

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Good stuff from Keyman.

 

The pressure on men to be sexual lotharios remains pretty staggering, especially when combined with the woke-era pressure to also be men who aren't "just interested in sex." It can create a kind of psychic paralysis—not so different than what certain women feel when they give into pressure, either from a specific man or society/culture at large, to have sex when they're not quite ready. But while there is a whole culture of talking about that, and teaching men to understand it—a culture I am all for and, as man only raised by a woman, was kind of part of my upbringing—there just is not an openness for men, or for all of us, to talk about these things in the same way.

 

That said, it is not for OP, or any woman, to be in a diagnostic mindset during the first 2 months of a relationship. The chemistry—by which I mean the full spectrum: emotional, intellectual, physical—is kind of either there or it's not. It can be "there" without sex, because waiting is just fine for both people, just as it can be "there" by romping around in Caligula-like euphoria after the second date. In this case, it's just kind of not there, for OP.

 

We don't have a portal into this dude. What OP is registering as emotionless and disinterested might be his way of enjoying whatever base they're on. And that would be just a problematic as him not enjoying it, you know? I have been called emotionally "distant" and "detached" by women; my girlfriend sees in me a sensitive and tender man. I am not "different" with her. We just have good chemistry—the full spectrum—which is why she is my girlfriend and not someone I tried to date for a stretch before realizing we didn't have the juju needed to get serious.

 

Moral of the story: people are not variables in psychological experiments, and if they start feeling that way in romance, or if romance starts to feel like its unfolding in a laboratory, something is off. Failed chemistry experiment. Far better to just own that than to turn it into a psychological one.

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Fair points bluecastle. As were Keyman's. But again he did have sex which means the real issue is not that he preferred to wait, which is ok, but that he is an emotionless robot when having sex which left the OP feeling sexually deflated.

 

Agree she needs to consider if a man so sexually detached at least in her eyes is the right man for her.

Edited by ZoeHeller
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Why is this so hard to believe? Because our society pushes that the only way to win at life is to get laid, get into a relationship and procreate at every opportunity. As men, we are expected to talk to and hit on every girl who moves that is mildly attractive, and our masculinity is measured by how often we get laid and how much beer we can chug.

 

There are whole sects of people throughout the world who practice chastity and are held in great regard by society for doing so - Monks, to name one. Women will go years in a relationship without sex because they are waiting for marriage, and do not get labelled closet gay or asexual. But a man who does not want to have sex at ever opportunity, who does not want to date or have spontaneous romances, is seen as weird, strange, less of a man and unbelievable.

 

If anyone, man or woman, says they do not want to have sex right at the moment, that is their right and should not be forced to do it against their will. A woman who is badgered into sex for the first time would not lie there and enjoy it, why should a man?

 

 

Obviously men are entitled to do whatever they wish, sex or no sex as a personal choice. I'm all for free will. The point is that this person (the OP's bf) is in a relationship. To withhold sex/intimacy or not make an effort whether it's in the bedroom or outside of it is really quite unconscionable (negligent). I think the OP and her bf would benefit from a lot more communication.

 

I asked about potential health issues (physical and mental health play a role).

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I will take a chance and speak for men here? At least the one in question.

 

For some men there are women men will engage in casual sex with and there are women they'd like to have a relationship with.

 

Is it possible he wants a serious relationship and not just something casual? He has the right to take his time to see if there is the potential for something more meaningful here? He has stated so, for that matter.

 

Instead he has a young woman, who in her own right wants to be intimate. His timing is different. I am only guessing (because I'm not there) that while she is providing favors for him, he is stuck in his head and second guessing if this is someone he sees long term potential in. After all he wanted to take his time. Is there something about her that is giving him doubts?

 

I don't believe all men who are healthy minded and sexually sound would be over the moon about someone providing favors for him, especially in light of him having stated he'd rather wait.

 

Can he just say no? Of course. But people, much like a previous poster, make generalizations that he must be impotent or something similar to deny any favor when offered. Maybe he feels he'd be judged. The responses here are a good example.

 

After all the poster is here wondering if there is something wrong with him due to his unenthusiastic response.

 

My current bf didn't really kiss me for our first 5 dates. (other than a peck) Why? Because he saw potential in us and wanted to take his time and not rush into things. He could very well be this guy.

 

Often times rushing into things doesn't always have the best outcomes.

Edited by reinventmyself
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Didnt read where anyone said or suggested he was impotent. And I think everyone agrees he has the right to wait without being shamed or judged for it. Same as women.

 

If he wasn't ready for sex or not comfortable (which is fine) yes he should have said no. Just like women, he has a mouth, use it to speak up. Tell her he's not ready for whatever reason, same as women do.

 

Not agree to it and then not engage, remain detached, stare at ceiling waiting for it to be over. Doing so made op feel like cr which is why she started this thread.

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They may be sexually incompatible too. I don't think this is a case of gender norms and stereotypes. I'm of half the mind that the OP is a little anxious and it's not actually due to any issues between the both of them at all. Just speak with him, I think. He may be worried about other things going on that have nothing to do with her while they're in bed together. He may feel insecure and upset that she's a little forward with the sexual intimacy. Maybe he doesn't have the courage to say it but he may even be reminded of his ex while he's with the OP. (sorry to say this)

 

I do think he needs to be more vocal (NO means NO when it comes to sex/he's not ready) or break up with her if they're not compatible. Again, talk it out with each other, OP.

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Didnt read where anyone said or suggested he was impotent.

 

Sorry not possible unless he is asexual (or gay), and if that's the case, given your high sexual energy, why would you want to get involved with a man who is asexual or a closet gay who clearly does not enjoy having sex with a woman, even when she is doing all the work?

^^ But you did say this

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Yeah I did but does that mean impotent? Maybe it does, he did cum which suggests otherwise but it doesn't matter, does it? Guy was non-engaged and sexually cold.

 

I still think both issues I mentioned earlier might be true. Or some other issue, including low sexual attraction.

Might, might not, only he knows. And if he is, no judgment from me.

 

I basically agree with Rose on everything she posted, sounds like a big sex incompatibility issue.

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