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He came inside me unexpectedly


AnnabellLee
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I have been dating this guy casually and we have been hooking up. I am 27 and he is 34. Last time we hooked up he came inside of me without any protection or any type of warning. I am on birth control but told him prior to this event that I do not use it for BC, rather for an irregular period and therefore have not rigidly taken it. We have always used a condom when he is about to climax, I had no reason to believe he would not use one this time. I checked my calendar and it was a day within my ovulation window. I feel upset, but I don't know if I should be since I did not specifically say to use a condom. I just thought I would not have to since we have always always used one or he has pulled out before coming. I took plan B but have a friend who is an N.P. and states there is still a chance that it did not work if I already ovulated. I'm confused and don't know if I have a right to be upset? Please advise. Thank you.

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Sure, you can be upset but you knew he didn't put a condom on, correct? What's done is done...now you wait to see if your period comes and then proceed from there. If you are going to be sexually active it's probably a good time to consider taking your BC regularly.

 

And using a condom for STDs.

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I would do the Plan B ASAP if you don't want to be a mom and get checked for STDS. I don't think you should be mad at him because you weren't clear that he had to wear a condom every time. You didn't confirm this time and it's not like he took it off during intercourse, right? Nothing here was unexpected. You're having casual sex with someone who felt like not wearing a condom this time. It's to be expected that if that happens he might finish inside of you if he feels like it.

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You have a right to feel/be anything you want. Book yourself in with your doctor and ask for advice on getting an STD check and follow up appointment for a pregnancy test (either blood test in the clinic or advice on how you can proceed with the possibility of pregnancy). Speak with your doctor. Do not look for advice specific to your health/medical situation online.

 

In future try to be more vigilant about practicing safe sex.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Being upset is not a "right." It's a thing we feel, when we feel it, and we can do with that feeling whatever we want. In your shoes I'd be upset—upset at myself, and upset at dude. I'm not going to read you the riot act on safe sex. I will say that dudes have ears (that can ear a woman telling them they don't take BC regularly for BC means) and plenty of control over their bodies. So just as it was pretty lame of you to have unprotected sex while not on BC it was lame of him to not pull out.

 

But whatever. What's done is done. Plan B is pretty dang effective, so now you get to sit on some pins and needles to see if you get your period. Good time for a mutual STD test, and a chat about your sexual dynamic so there are not more upsetting moments in the future.

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He was just STD tested and I do not have sex with anyone else but him. He usually pulls out *before* he climaxes and then puts on a condom. We were also both drinking which did not help. When I confronted him about it he said "ah well, a bottle of wine clouds judgement". I obviously feel horrible and realize the error of my ways. You don't have to make me feel worse.

 

Bluecastle, thank you for offering an objective interjection. I appreciate it. I feel like I'm being crucified.

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I would do the Plan B ASAP if you don't want to be a mom and get checked for STDS. I don't think you should be mad at him because you weren't clear that he had to wear a condom every time. You didn't confirm this time and it's not like he took it off during intercourse, right? Nothing here was unexpected. You're having casual sex with someone who felt like not wearing a condom this time. It's to be expected that if that happens he might finish inside of you if he feels like it.

 

Batya, we had established in the past that we would always use a condom before he came.

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EDIT: To add some clarification, we had established previously that I was not comfortable with him climaxing without a condom. I had told him previously to this experience that I don't take BC regularly and would like to use a condom every time before he climaxes. When confronted, all he said was sorry and that his judgment was clouded by alcohol.

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Maybe if you were to fully understand make sexuality you would know that no matter any agreement, sex is an instinctual act with the obvious and predictable result during the act. It's not an agreement at that point--it's biology.

 

Actually, a case can be made that your own instincts took over as well.

 

So in the future, ensure your protection BEFORE, not DURING.

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Batya, we had established in the past that we would always use a condom before he came.

 

OK and you chose to have sex with him while he was drunk - same as if you'd chosen to have sex with him if he was under the influence of medication or drugs - you can't expect him to take 100% responsibility for BC at that time and you should always check. Yes he should have been more responsible and yes you should avoid having casual sex with someone who is drunk - if you'd been in a serious relationship in all likelihood he would have given it more thought. He probably doesn't care as much whether you get pregnant.

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Bluecastle, thank you for offering an objective interjection. I appreciate it. I feel like I'm being crucified.

 

But you were attempting to crucify him were you not? By placing all the responsibility on his shoulders, which it is not.

 

Try to keep things in perspective.

 

What done is done it is what it is. Going forward just be more mindful, casual and condoms go together always.

 

Plan B when taken accordingly is pretty effective, and even though you aren’t regular on your pills unless you’re skipping months at a time, you seem to be protected on that front as well so, I mean the chances, while there, aren’t all that high to be fair, given your worry I have to wonder why you would risk it... me personally in my expiereince, women and men who don’t want kids tend to not have kids, they don’t have accidents, they’re pretty darn sure they take an active role in prevention... I find those who are in the middle of the road about it or are simply ignorant to prevention ( young teens/ adults) are the ones who have oops situation. When I got pregnant, it wasn’t planned but it wasn’t not planned either, if people are honest that’s how many kids are conceived. Again I have yet to cross a person in my life to have a true, ‘oh my god how did this happen we took all the proper precautions’-baby, not saying it doesn’t happen, nothings full proof, I just haven’t encountered anyone in my lifetime and I believe I haven’t because it’s so rare.

 

I don’t know, no judgement, just food for thought... going forward if you’re sure you don’t want kids, take an active role in prevention. It’s not just his responsibility.

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I ain't going to crucify you, I'd have to put myself up on the same cross for a night here and there, and I prefer my palms without nails through them. That said, I don't think anyone here is really trying to crucify you. They're just calling what they see, no different than me.

 

Anyhow, I don't have much patience for the "wine clouds judgement" argument from anyone, especially from dudes in situations like this. That's just me, a man who has lived for 39 years and has yet to have an orgasm by accident or one I didn't know was, well, coming before it came. Not all of them arrived in a state of sobriety.

 

That said, you're both kind of playing with some fire here, as a not insignificant population of the globe exists thanks to the ol' pull out method not being airtight. We all know there are some early, eager swimmers who jump out of the gate before the starting gun fires. In the Olympics they are disqualified; in the bedroom they sometimes lead to babies, or at least pregnancy.

 

If you want to have sex without condoms, and want to mitigate the risk of pregnancy without needing plan B, there are easy steps to take. You each get tested. You start taking BC for BC. You communicate limits and build some trust by sticking to those limits. There are still risks in that equation, of course, but they are factored in, risks you are deciding to take instead of being overtaken by them in this manner, you know?

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But you were attempting to crucify him were you not? By placing all the responsibility on his shoulders, which it is not.

 

Try to keep things in perspective.

 

What done is done it is what it is. Going forward just be more mindful, casual and condoms go together always.

 

Plan B when taken accordingly is pretty effective, and even though you aren’t regular on your pills unless you’re skipping months at a time, you seem to be protected on that front as well so, I mean the chances, while there, aren’t all that high to be fair, given your worry I have to wonder why you would risk it... me personally in my expiereince, women and men who don’t want kids tend to not have kids, they don’t have accidents, they’re pretty darn sure they take an active role in prevention... I find those who are in the middle of the road about it are the ones who have oops situation.

 

I don’t know, no judgement, just food for thought... going forward if you’re sure you don’t want kids, take an active role in prevention. It’s not just his responsibility.

 

I agree that it is not just his. And I am not blaming just him. I honestly feel so stupid for not using a condom in the first place.

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I ain't going to crucify you. I'd have to put myself up on the same cross for a night here and there, and I prefer my palms without nails through them.

 

Anyhow, I don't have much patience for the "wine clouds judgement" argument from anyone, especially from dudes in situations like this. That's just me, a man who has lived for 39 years and has yet to have an orgasm by accident or one I didn't know was, well, coming before it came. Not all of them arrived in a state of sobriety.

 

That said, you're both kind of playing with some fire here, as a not insignificant population of the globe exists thanks to the ol' pull out method not being airtight. We all know there are some early, eager swimmers who jump out of the gate before the bell rings. In the Olympics they are disqualified; in the bedroom they sometimes lead to babies, or at least pregnancy.

 

If you want to have sex without condoms, and want to mitigate the risk of pregnancy without needing plan B, there are easy steps to take. You each get tested. You start taking BC for BC. You communicate limits and build some trust by sticking to those limits. There are still risks in that equation, of course, but they are factored in, risks you are deciding to take instead of being overtaken by them in this manner, you know?

 

Thank you. I will definitely be more careful in the future and take a more active role in making sure we use a condom/ birth control is taken regularly. I would not mind having a child to be honest,but I was not expecting to have one in this manner with this person. If it happens, it happens, I made my bed and I'll have to lay in it. Regardless, I will never be so careless again.

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I agree that it is not just his. And I am not blaming just him. I honestly feel so stupid for not using a condom in the first place.

 

Don’t be. Going forward you now know.

 

And again, unless you’re missing most your pills... that on top of plan B... I just think your odds are slim, not impossible, but very very very slim.

 

I wouldn’t beat myself up too much.

 

Lesson learned, this is life. Could have been a much harder lesson!

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But you were attempting to crucify him were you not? By placing all the responsibility on his shoulders, which it is not.

 

Try to keep things in perspective.

 

What done is done it is what it is. Going forward just be more mindful, casual and condoms go together always.

 

Plan B when taken accordingly is pretty effective, and even though you aren’t regular on your pills unless you’re skipping months at a time, you seem to be protected on that front as well so, I mean the chances, while there, aren’t all that high to be fair, given your worry I have to wonder why you would risk it... me personally in my expiereince, women and men who don’t want kids tend to not have kids, they don’t have accidents, they’re pretty darn sure they take an active role in prevention... I find those who are in the middle of the road about it or are simply ignorant to prevention ( young teens/ adults) are the ones who have oops situation. When I got pregnant, it wasn’t planned but it wasn’t not planned either, if people are honest that’s how many kids are conceived. Again I have yet to cross a person in my life to have a true, ‘oh my god how did this happen we took all the proper precautions’-baby, not saying it doesn’t happen, nothings full proof, I just haven’t encountered anyone in my lifetime and I believe I haven’t because it’s so rare.

 

I don’t know, no judgement, just food for thought... going forward if you’re sure you don’t want kids, take an active role in prevention. It’s not just his responsibility.

 

To be perfectly honest, I would not mind having a child. And I think both he and I are on that line. However, I was not expecting it to happen in this way with this person (if it does happen). But you are totally right, I didn't really think about it like that.

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Exactly what FiO just said.

 

You are in very good, very noble company right now. You also live in a modern world with incredible science that makes these missteps pretty manageable. If there weren't so much shame associated with sex, we'd have a different attitude about all this.

 

Live and learn.

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