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Hello,

 

My husband and I have been married for almost 17 years. We have 2 wonderful kids and love them so much. My husband and I have been doing downhill with romance since 2 yrs after our marriage. He is a super nice guy, but not sentimental at all. He does not understand my emotions and thinks i over react.

 

Anyways, we basically had sex every couple of weeks after my second one was born which is 8 yrs ago.

 

Now, its been over a year since we did it. He does not even attempt to do anything with me. And if i go to him to romance he pushes me away. either he is tierd or sleeping or just doesnot want to do anything. I am the one planning dates and get aways .. he never does. And if i am successful in planning, he cancels it 90% of the time.

 

He has admitted that he does not feel like doing it with me and does not feel the fire between us.

 

Lately, we have been fighting even more. And in those fights he does threaten to break up. First it used to be me who would say random things like that , but now he says it too.

 

When i get ready with make up and good clothes, he does not even acknowledge my effort, forget about complimenting me.

 

I think we are together just because of our kids. We know our kids will be devastated if we separate. But honestly, every morning i wake up thinking today will be a new day, i will be confident and push it through but by night i am down again. I feel like crying and screaming but i cant .. it doesn't come out.

 

I really love him a lot ... but i cant be unhappy all the time now. I also don't want to live without him.

 

How do i deal with this situation. My heart hurts and he does not even care.

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Perhaps Honeycomb used the wrong words but I think he still loves you and cares about you on some level, but sadly he is no longer attracted to you or the idea of being married to you...sry.

 

17 years is a long time and you mention this started only 2 years after you were married. So we can overlook things for a while but they slowly fester and after a time become big issues....

 

You could try counseling and it’s nice that you initiate dates and stuff, but it sounds like he’s pretty much checked out already. And it’s extremely hard if not impossible to fix a relationship if only one person is interested in doing that.

 

In today’s world relationships that last ‘forever’ are becoming rarer and rarer. I’m so sorry. I do hope you can work it out but I feel life is about to change for you in a big way....

 

However, you’ll be ok. The grieving process is pretty horrible. I’m really not a fan of it myself, but I also can’t stand being in a relationship where we fight and argue and don’t have sex either.

 

Sending you strength for the journey ahead*

 

Carus*

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Actually it is far worse to “ stay together for the kids” . Teaching kids that marriage is loveless and miserable is not a good idea. Kids want their parents to be happy. I am glad my parents are divorced. Of course I was not happy at the time but what child is happy about that ? It was for the best.

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Sorry this is happening. Is he having an affair? Ignore his "threats to break up". A "super nice guy" does threaten you with divorce. You are married and if he wants a divorce he'll have to pay an attorney, give you 1/2 of everything and pay child support. You need to stop your empty threats of divorce also.

 

Stop looking to him for validation. He is completely checked out. Privately and confidential without him and without discussing things with him go to an attorney and a therapist. Get to an attorney to discuss your options in case of a divorce and so that you have someone you can engage when the time comes.

 

Get your ducks in a row. Also go to a therapist by yourself so you can discuss whatever emotions you are dealing with. Wishing and hoping and fighting are not helping. You need to take action. That means stop fighting, stop grovelling for attention. You are making yourself powerless with empty words.

My husband and I have been married for almost 17 years. we have been fighting even more. And in those fights he does threaten to break up.First it used to be me who would say random things like that , but now he says it too.

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What would I do? I'd sit down with him, and in a mellow tone, say, "I can't live like this anymore. The way I see it, there are only two options. Either marriage counseling or divorce."

 

And then listen. If he refuses counseling, at least know you tried, since neither of you have had the skills to improve things on your own. If he won't participate on improving an unsatisfactory union, you shouldn't sacrifice your happiness by staying married to a clam who won't open to reveal his pearl.

 

If he chooses divorce, begin by taking his name off of your credit card accounts, and a shared bank account where you're the primary holder. In most states, after ten years of marriage, you're entitled to half of his retirement savings at the time of the divorce and vice versa. If either of you has a pension, the ex is entitled to half of that at the time of retirement, unless a person gives up that option. I'd get a lawyer, because children are involved, which makes a divorce legally more difficult.

 

Of course it's upsetting for children to learn how to adjust to a new way of life, but if you and your husband discuss how to make it less stressful for them, i.e. not badmouthing each other to them, assuring them they will still regularly see both parents with custody visits, etc., the adjustment will be far easier.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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Hi, what do you mean by " He is completely checked out" and "Stop looking to him for validation" . are these for our relationship or be waiting for him compliment ?

 

I agree , i should stop with the threats too.

 

He has agreed to go see a therapist as of this morning. So lets see how that goes. But i think you are correct, i need to go alone as well. See what and where i stand.

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Sorry this is happening. Is he having an affair? Ignore his "threats to break up". A "super nice guy" does threaten you with divorce. You are married and if he wants a divorce he'll have to pay an attorney, give you 1/2 of everything and pay child support. You need to stop your empty threats of divorce also.

 

Stop looking to him for validation. He is completely checked out. Privately and confidential without him and without discussing things with him go to an attorney and a therapist. Get to an attorney to discuss your options in case of a divorce and so that you have someone you can engage when the time comes.

 

Get your ducks in a row. Also go to a therapist by yourself so you can discuss whatever emotions you are dealing with. Wishing and hoping and fighting are not helping. You need to take action. That means stop fighting, stop grovelling for attention. You are making yourself powerless with empty words.

 

Hi, what do you mean by " He is completely checked out" and "Stop looking to him for validation" . are these for our relationship or be waiting for him compliment ?

 

I agree , i should stop with the threats too.

 

He has agreed to go see a therapist as of this morning. So lets see how that goes. But i think you are correct, i need to go alone as well. See what and where i stand.

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I joking call my husband Mr. NoMance. He is the least romantic guy I know & our sex life is on par with yours, minus the kids. DH has ED. I accept that. However, if I plan, he shows up & plays his part.

 

Before you completely throw in the towel & divorce tell him how sad & lonely you feel. You need to really make him hear you. Have concrete suggestions about what he can do to make you feel more cherished. You can't expect him to fix it. Give him specifics: I want a hug & kiss when you see each other after a long day & before you fall asleep. You want 1 flirty text during the day to show he's thinking about you -- a winking emoji will do.

 

My husband doesn't understand why I want / need certain things -- hugs when I'm crying vs. a plan to fix the problem (or even why it's an issue in the 1st place) -- but I just explained to him that when he sees tears his response should be a hug. He was wiling to do that because he cared about me even though it makes no sense to him & he still doesn't really understand why it helps. He is however thrilled to have a response that he knows works. He can do something.

 

So be specific in what you need / want.

 

MC will also help.

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Excellent you are going to therapy. Yes you've both withdrawn a lot. And no stop asking him for more and more and more romance, validation, attention, etc. Clingy, needy with lists and I need, I want, you have to.. etc are the anti-attractants.

 

So is talking and talking and talking. It will go in one ear out the other. Talk is lazy, cheap and very easy to tune out. That's why it never works. Zero mystery. Zero intrigue. Zero interest. Don't turn yourself into an easy to ignore rut.

 

Make him think. Make him notice. Make him wonder. Go out more. Don't be a just 'mom', remember to be a woman too. Update your look, new clothes hair, etc. Get in shape, join some groups and clubs,etc. Go out more with friends. Get a job and if you work, volunteer or get a fun part-time job. Get out more. By yourself.

 

Most of all, stop talking and start doing. Focus on being independent and learning that your confidence must come from within and not from him.

" He is completely checked out" and "Stop looking to him for validation". I agree , i should stop with the threats too.
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  • 1 month later...

Hey, so all this time since then, I been happy. Not because he is giving me the attention i crave, because i am being me. I am keeping my self occupied.. with my kids, work, activities etc. today for his bday i went and bought him an expensive scotch, thinking after putting kids to bed we will have a glass together. Made him his fav dinner, after a long day and work. why because i love him and i wanted to do all this. guess what, he went to bed at 830. ate dinner, cake and went to bed right after... even before the kids went to bed.

 

i think today was a wake up call for me. This has to end. I cant be empty in a marriage anymore. I dont expect you to validate it. But i just wanted to let it out in words so i can read it myself ... read it again, when tomorrow i get confused about my decision..

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Sorry to hear this. Is he a heavy drinker? Is it possible he's having an affair? Unfortunately he seems completely checked out. Stop revolving your life around him.

for his bday i went and bought him an expensive scotch. guess what, he went to bed at 830. ate dinner, cake and went to bed right after... even before the kids went to bed. I cant be empty in a marriage anymore.
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Sorry to hear this. Is he a heavy drinker? Is it possible he's having an affair? Unfortunately he seems completely checked out. Stop revolving your life around him.

 

No he is not a heavy drinker, but likes to take at least one be it wine, beer or scotch almost daily.

 

is he having an affair --- how would i know ?

 

yes he has checked out :( . After 17 yrs .... it will take time to stop revolving my life around him. But you are right, i have to.

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