My boyfriend(20) broke up with me(21) because I ruined everything.

[Foreverweekend]

OK, I will not slam you, but I will comment.

 

The WORST thing to concentrate on is any irritation with your BF for looking at your phone messages and dumping you. Finding out your chosen profession in such a shocking way would be a deal killer for most men. BTW, he was not snooping. If I were a betting man, he was looking to see if he should hand phone to you to answer a normal call.

 

The second thing I'll say is you mention that you "will be quitting" this profession.

 

What does that mean?

 

You did not write "I quit!"

 

I infer from that that you remain in this pseudo-sex worker profession.

 

Have you stopped?

 

I have stopped already.

 

Also- You are right, and I never got angry with him for checking my phone for that reason. Nothing is his fault.

[maew]

I think if you want to change your direction, you need to be honest with yourself about why you chose escorting to begin with. You don't have to share with anyone if you don't want, but with yourself. Maybe a few sessions with a therapist even, which can often be found for free or a reduced cost for a crisis situation. If you have felt suicidal, that's a crisis situation.

Take the emotional power out of this even - sometimes we need help with that - to get to the basics of it.

" It was easy money " could be driven by a few things. Get to what motivated you. Not wanting to work hard? Feeling as though you do not need to because ? Not believing you have any skills to bring to the table? Etc etc. Combo of a few things?

 

Point being, if you don't know really why you did it, you can't change it. And it's not even about whether it's wrong or not. It's a skill to learn about facing concequences of choices and how to redirect in a healthy way.

 

Love this. OP you seem to be quite self aware and resilient... honestly exploring the whys of all this will bring you an even deeper connection with yourself and those around you, and perhaps give you a purpose and a channel for your passion.

 

At the end of the day some of the darkest moments of my past have been my greatest learning experiences and sometimes even funny stories I can share... with the right crowd of course!

[bluecastle]

It was a series of many mistakes that lead me to this point.

 

I would suggest that you change "mistakes" to "choices" and, per the great earlier post by itsallgrand, do what you need to do to really understand those choices. They all have roots. Can't really pull out the weeds unless we get to the roots. Cutting them down at the root is different. They always grow back.

 

What caught my eye, for instance? Quitting the French cafe because you "felt so bad" about being late. That's self-sabotage 101, where you ratify a poor choice by doubling down on it, finding "comfort" in realizing the worst case scenario before another can do it for you. So the question becomes: Did you really feel "so bad" about being late or did you fear the consequences of being late, being seen as "so bad" or called out as "so bad" from a manager? There is a difference.

 

And there is a parallel with not telling J about what you were doing. A strand of self-deception that leads to deceiving others. I'm just a collection of pixels on your computer screen, so I can't pick it all apart, but you can and it sounds like you've got all the tools to do so. Self-awareness is rare stuff. But much like uranium, it's kind of just a basic element if it's not enriched through action.

 

I moved to NYC at 17, without money. I have stories. Oh, I have stories. Some of those I'm least proud of—I got to the roots, learned to make things out of them, sold those things, and now pay mortgages with the proceeds. I still cringe here and there at some choices I made, but I do more chuckling, in part because I learned to make different choices.

[AviationNut]

I have a little bit of a different perspective. You made a mistake, but at the time, you felt like you were doing what you needed to do. I’m not going to judge you for that. My roommate in college worked at a strip club. She did far more questionable things than that in my opinion. The dishonesty is what can’t happen in relationships. That will never end well. Either do something you are okay with sharing with your boyfriend or you just be honest and tell your boyfriend that you’re doing x for work and it’s on the up and up (if it is). By the way, I agree with Miss Canuck’s comment above about the bolded section.

 

However!!! Anyone checking ANYONE’s phone to me is also a huge boundary issue and frankly, I would never trust someone again that did that to me. Actually, it did happen years ago and I never trusted her again. She also broke into my email. It isn’t just a single offense. When you are willing to go the distance, there are all other manner of violations available in the same category.

 

You were both in the wrong in some way. Talk to him and tell him your feelings in a heartfelt way and tell him that you want to trust each other and you will be 100% honest with him from now on, or you will likely have to move on. You will get over this if you have to move on. I promise you. We have all had that “amazing boyfriend” that we were in love with and it didn’t work out and here we are today, likely healed from past wounds and mistakes in one way or another. Trust issues, in my mind, are the absolute hardest issues to recover from in any relationship. If you have no trust, you have no relationship.

 

A mistake was doing it once. She did it more than once. Or do you not understand the difference?

[ninjabib]

Live and learn from this OP. In NYC surely there are many jobs. Don't be tempted by quick and easy cash in the future, it oftens end up costing more than it earns.

[Nebraskagirl14]

A mistake was doing it once. She did it more than once. Or do you not understand the difference?

 

No need to be an ahole. Are you perfect? Let the girl be human for God’s sake. Have you never made a series of mistakes? Pretty sure her series of mistakes is going to cost her this relationship so no need to put five more nails in the coffin by being rude. People f-up in life. As long as she learns from her mistakes, that is what matters. It isn’t your business to judge her when you yourself aren’t a perfect human being.

[Nebraskagirl14]

First off, take a few deep breaths. Sounds like you need them. Like, for real. Do it.

 

Next up: You've got to forgive yourself. I'm kind of with Nebraska here in my attitude about all this. In the annals of dumb things humans have done, this is a pretty minor offense—the dates with dudes part. Not even an offense, really. If you were okay with it—if it was even kind thrilling—that is okay. That is allowed, not something you now need to spend the next 40 years atoning for in a state of self-hatred. The best thing about being people is that we get to set our own rules. And, of course, change them when we realize our rules no longer serve us.

 

Not okay? Basically you needed to either (a) stop it as you got into a relationship with someone or (b) tell someone this is something you're doing, so they can decide if they're open to be in a relationship or not. I have met women in dating scenarios who have been unapologetically upfront about certain lifestyle choices—some in this vein—and I've always respected that, been comforted by that, even if said lifestyle choice meant I couldn't comfortably date them. So be straight with people so you can look at yourself in the mirror and be seen and accepted, fully, by others. That's really the big lesson here. Lesson learned, you think? Cool, now live the lesson.

 

Sometimes we lose people to learn a lesson. That's the collateral damage of life, of growth. I've lost a handful, but those loses weren't for nothing. They helped light a path, further introduced me to myself, to who I wanted to be in my own ski and alongside others. Probably not a lot comfort now, when you're hyper-focused on J, but any moment in life that allows us to be better tomorrow than we were yesterday is a wonderful moment. This can be one of those for you.

 

You have no control over J. You might get him back, you might not. Odds don't look good, and I can't say I blame him. That's a lot to digest, and you have to let him digest it however he wants. Still, you do have control over yourself. You can choose to live in shame and hate yourself, or you can choose to forgive yourself and grow. You can choose to behave differently, in ways that better serve your spirit, and become a different person for it.

 

I say make the second choice. It's a way of honoring your connection with J, and honoring yourself: where you've been, where you want to go.

 

Lastly, like Nebraska, I just want to point out that what J did with your phone was also wrong. One of my hardest rules in romance is no snooping. Should you see something flash up on my phone that makes you uncomfortable, ask me about it or deal with that discomfort on your own. Should you choose to explore the contents of my phone because a notification made you uncomfortable, then we are done. Those are my standards because I know that's how I operate.

 

Anyway, a few cents to spend how you see fit. What feels like a very awful moment in your life right now—because, yes, it is that—can be the beginning of a new chapter.

 

Love this, Bluecastle. Totally agree with you also! You really are going to have to stop beating yourself up in order to move on, but there are several important lessons here. Take the learnings from this with you into your future relationships so you don’t make the same mistakes. You’re human. I cringe at some things that I did in the past. I’m sure we all do! Focus on moving forward. Life is moving forward with or without you and you gotta get on the train if you are to move on!

[AviationNut]

No need to be an ahole. Are you perfect? Let the girl be human for God’s sake. Have you never made a series of mistakes? Pretty sure her series of mistakes is going to cost her this relationship so no need to put five more nails in the coffin by being rude. People f-up in life. As long as she learns from her mistakes, that is what matters. It isn’t your business to judge her when you yourself aren’t a perfect human being.

 

Most people learn from their mistakes the first time. After the second time, it's no longer a mistake, it's an active choice to cheat over and over again. Again, do you not understand the difference? Or are you defending the cheating as a "mistake" for other reasons? Hmmmmm?