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General consensus? Not interested or other possibility


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Okay,

 

Guy I am seeing (same guy here: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=561770)

 

We had a Saturday plan but it was not officially set (place, exact time etc.) by Friday we were talking when he was at the airport at noon and I finally just asked for a rain check. I had offered the morning to someone else (my uncle, not another suitor) and not having the date details finalized was interfering with my life, making other plans. I kept having to say ‘I will let you know’ to others— I don’t like being like that.

 

So I told him everything had been so busy (truthfully) and I was working all day Sunday, can we do Monday or Wednesday (I didn’t mention being stressed by a lack of plan). He was super understanding, Monday worked better, we’d do around five and firm up the exact plan nearer to the day.

 

Fine. Sunday at three o’clock he reached out saying, I know you are working so might not work but do you want to go to thing we both like tonight? No pressure. Excited to see you tomorrow, I’ll text at lunch with the plan.

 

I couldn’t make it to the thing, I let him know that I would love to under other circumstances. He was good with that. I didn’t really care about not having specifics so long as I knew the day & time.

 

By early afternoon today we had a firm plan. 5:30, meet location, yay.

 

Just before 4:30, he’s say “I really hate to do this, but we’re going to need to reschedule. I’ve been fighting a headache all day and it’s getting worse, so sorry :( “

 

I know you aren’t mind readers but what vibes do you get? Thanks

 

** Oh and how would you respond?! I meant to ask that!

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I mean life gets pretty ****ty when you're defaulting to assuming the worst of people. If this is his first offense, I'd chalk it up to a socially retarding migraine. I'd let him know you understand and wish him good health, and leave it to him to put the effort in to reschedule.

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I wonder why he didnt pop some Tylenol when the headache started then he'd likely be ok to meet with you.

 

I get migraines and once they start, i need dark, silence, etc, and i will probably vomit. If i don't get dark and silence - i will for sure vomit before i start to feel better. If i get it, well, i might not have to. There is no stopping that train. If its someone i have known for 10 years and i can be there in my pajama pants and i can climb into a closet there, i might go, but not someone new

 

(I didn’t mention being stressed by a lack of plan)

 

this is the underlying issue. The dude was out of town, flying back into town on friday. he probably couldn't commit until he was back. I would have instead "being stressed by lack of plan" either have suggested a plan for saturday before he was back (friday would be unfair), or i would have gone with the flow - you ended up with your uncle - so fine. But if he ha a headache, i would have taken a raincheck. If he had to cancel on Monday, i would have said "feel better. i will text you with an idea for Wednesday" and if you don't get a response by wednesday morning, leave him be.

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I think you are on different pages, to be honest.

 

It seems to me that you are looking for a serious, committed relationship. That’s why you are reading all the signs, trying to do things “by the book”, etc. It’s - shall we say - a goal-oriented approach?

 

The vibe I’m getting from him is that he’s enjoying casually getting to know you, seeing where it goes, etc.

 

IMO, you are the one kind of playing games here to try to assess his interest levels. If you wanted to know what the plan was on Saturday, why didn’t you just ask? Instead, you were playing the “high value” game cancelling because there was no set time and place.

 

You cancelled on him, you rejected an offer, now he’s cancelling on you (and to be fair - headaches do sometimes happen).

 

In my experience, relationships rarely get off the ground when one or both of you are playing games.

 

I would just do as j.man suggested and express that you hope he feels better and to leave the ball in his court to reschedule.

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“Instead, you were playing the “high value” game cancelling because there was no set time and place.

 

You cancelled on him, you rejected an offer, now he’s cancelling on you (and to be fair - headaches do sometimes happen).”

 

Hey, I don’t see my myself as playing a game. I felt like I had bitten off more than I could chew regarding planning with multiple people when one was non-committal.

 

He told me Saturday it was a lot better in the end that we rebooked as he wasn’t adjusting to the time change we’ll.

 

I have headaches and they range from minor annoyance to vomiting and needing full darkness and silence. I get that.

 

I don’t doubt the legitimacy of such a thing, it was just odd to only hear about it an hour before...

 

It had me wondering if he was just flaking.

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Reddress “ It seems to me that you are looking for a serious, committed relationship. That’s why you are reading all the signs, trying to do things “by the book”, etc. It’s - shall we say - a goal-oriented approach?

 

The vibe I’m getting from him is that he’s enjoying casually getting to know you, seeing where it goes, etc.”

 

This is spot on. Thanks

I don’t think he is looking for a casual relationship but he more laid back in his approach for sure.

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I mean life gets pretty ****ty when you're defaulting to assuming the worst of people. If this is his first offense, I'd chalk it up to a socially retarding migraine. I'd let him know you understand and wish him good health, and leave it to him to put the effort in to reschedule.

 

Thanks Jman, this was my approach.

I wasn’t sure if I should have offered up another option but felt like that would be the last thing I’d want to think of if I had a severe headache.

Also felt that leaving it in his court will show his interest as well.

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Does it need to be so complicated?

 

I'd have sent a text in two seconds saying, "Bummer—but know how those things can creep up on you. Let me know when works for you. Looking forward to it." And then he'd respond...however he'd respond. Odds are what would happen is that you'd see each other a third time, sooner than later, and that would give you a chance to see how you feel about him, and vise versa.

 

I'm sorry, but I can't imagine even jumping to the "not interested" conclusion from all that, or really caring all that much to know how interested someone is after two dates. I mean, aside from your interest in his interest level, are you interested in seeing him? If so, lean on that. He's clearly down to see you too, as evidenced from the request to, you know, see you the other day.

 

I don't mean to sound flip, this is just a lot of testing and gauging of something when the stakes haven't even been placed in the ground.

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Does it need to be so complicated?

 

I'd have sent a text in two seconds saying, "Bummer—but know how those things can creep up on you. Let me know when works for you. Looking forward to it." And then he'd respond...however he'd respond. Odds are what would happen is that you'd see each other a third time, sooner than later, and that would give you a chance to see how you feel about him, and vise versa.

 

I'm sorry, but I can't imagine even jumping to the "not interested" conclusion from all that, or really caring all that much to know how interested someone is after two dates. I mean, aside from your interest in his interest level, are you interested in seeing him? If so, lean on that. He's clearly down to see you too, as evidenced from the request to, you know, see you the other day.

 

I don't mean to sound flip, this is just a lot of testing and gauging of something when the stakes haven't even been placed in the ground.

 

 

Thanks bluecastle, very right.

 

I guess I just like what I’ve learned about him so far, even if it was two dates. He’s a unique person and I feel like I really want to get to know him better and it scares me if he isn’t interested in me or if he’s trying to back away slowly.

 

End of day I’m just afraid of getting hurt and I’m trying to match to his level of interest. Which explains the efforts to predict his thoughts and such.

 

I’ve always been this way, I’m not sure why. I know it is a self protective mechanism and I’m trying to work on it.

 

Him canceling super last minute spooked me.

 

Time will tell.

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I hear you. Being guided by fear, however, generally doesn't get us what we want, especially in dating.

 

The amount of "hurt" a person can inflict, after a few dates, is pretty minor, no? I'm not saying it's not real or significant, but odds are it's something that life has taught you that you can handle and recover from. Maybe lean on that during these stages—the knowledge that you can handle a lick or two, should it come—rather than trying to mirror someone else and lose yourself in the process.

 

That, in the long run, is going to get you what you want, whether it's with him or someone else. Trying to hedge against hurt keeps you out of the ring, keeps connection at bay. It's like visiting a foreign city by checking it out on Google Maps. Yeah, you have zero risk of getting robbed or coming down with food poisoning, but you also never really saw the place and learned what it felt like to be there, and be you there.

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My husband gets bad headaches and sometimes it just immobilizes him. One time his parents came over -traveled an hour to see us and our new baby. I was exhausted and looking forward to napping even when his parents arrived and just as they arrived he got a bad headache and disappeared into our bedroom for 2 hours to lie down (it was too late for tylenol or advil to work), leaving me to entertain his parents who he hadn't seen in awhile, etc. It doesn't always but yes he would cancel plans last minute if he had to if it was one of those headaches. Also he just met you so he doesn't want to feel so awful in front of you. See if/when he reschedules. Each date is the last date -that's the reality -until there's another date planned. He obviously wanted to see you and got sick. People get sick.

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Would you contact him this morning or leave the ball in his court?

 

Per my earlier posts, I think the thing that would really help you is knowing how you want to respond. Maybe think of this as a small moment to fine-tune that inner compass.

 

Me, for instance? I try to treat everyone more or less the same: friends, girlfriends, family, cashiers, dates. That's not simply because I'm a nice human being, but because I hate not feeling like myself. It's "self-protective," you could say, without being self-sabotaging. So if someone tells me they aren't feeling well and have to cancel, I will tell them I'm sorry they're not feeling well and that I look forward to seeing them. That is who I am, my universal truth, not who I am with matches on dating apps.

 

If they never respond to me, I know it was me they never responded to, and in that there is comfort to offset the sting. If they do, it is me they are responding to and will meet whenever we meet. Win-win, in the long game.

 

I think you are creating games, without meaning to, in order to offset disappointment or hurt. That's a habit worth breaking, because you don't want it to be an ingredient in connecting. That hedging and self-editing will catch up to you.

 

My girlfriend and I joke about how our early exchanges were basically a case study in "not that interested." We matched, and had one of those lovely little back and forths that spark some interest. Then we tried to make plans. She was busy, then I was busy. She'd go, "Hey—window just opened up for a coffee. You around?" I'd go, "Ugh—can't do it. Let me check my schedule and get back to you." I'd get back to her, not in seconds but sometimes in days, with a few options. "Ugh—I'm away those days," she'd reply. That went on for some three weeks, with zero lovely banter filling in the gaps. We finally met up when I landed from a work trip, was in the Uber, thought of her and said, "Last minute, I know, but free for a glass of wine tonight?" She was free.

 

I never once considered any of it a reflection of her "interest" level in me. Neither did she. Two strangers trying meet up with a lot of life between them. I'd imagine if either of us were posting a play-by-play on this forum we'd have been advised that it was going nowhere. But we weren't posting here, or really concerned with where it was going. That's just who we are, in the world, and now that we are together it's basically who we are as a couple. Had either of us secretly been on pins and needles those three weeks, I'm sure we'd have burned out quick once the sugar high receded.

 

Moral of the story is not to give all dudes slack to be flakes, but to just be who you want to be. If my gf had spent those days thinking I was a flake—well, she would have flaked on it. Ditto me. Both of those are wins. It's the stuff in the middle where everyone gets lost.

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Per my earlier posts, I think the thing that would really help you is knowing how you want to respond. Maybe think of this as a small moment to fine-tune that inner compass.

 

Me, for instance? I try to treat everyone more or less the same: friends, girlfriends, family, cashiers, dates. That's not simply because I'm a nice human being, but because I hate not feeling like myself. It's "self-protective," you could say, without being self-sabotaging. So if someone tells me they aren't feeling well and have to cancel, I will tell them I'm sorry they're not feeling well and that I look forward to seeing them. That is who I am, my universal truth, not who I am with matches on dating apps.

 

If they never respond to me, I know it was me they never responded to, and in that there is comfort to offset the sting. If they do, it is me they are responding to and will meet whenever we meet. Win-win, in the long game.

 

I think you are creating games, without meaning to, in order to offset disappointment or hurt. That's a habit worth breaking, because you don't want it to be an ingredient in connecting. That hedging and self-editing will catch up to you.

 

My girlfriend and I joke about how our early exchanges were basically a case study in "not that interested." We matched, and had one of those lovely little back and forths that spark some interest. Then we tried to make plans. She was busy, then I was busy. She'd go, "Hey—window just opened up for a coffee. You around?" I'd go, "Ugh—can't do it. Let me check my schedule and get back to you." I'd get back to her, not in seconds but sometimes in days, with a few options. "Ugh—I'm away those days," she'd reply. That went on for some three weeks, with zero lovely banter filling in the gaps. We finally met up when I landed from a work trip, was in the Uber, thought of her and said, "Last minute, I know, but free for a glass of wine tonight?" She was free.

 

I never once considered any of it a reflection of her "interest" level in me. Neither did she. Two strangers trying meet up with a lot of life between them. I'd imagine if either of us were posting a play-by-play on this forum we'd have been advised that it was going nowhere. But we weren't posting here, or really concerned with where it was going. That's just who we are, in the world, and now that we are together it's basically who we are as a couple. Had either of us secretly been on pins and needles those three weeks, I'm sure we'd have burned out quick once the sugar high receded.

 

Moral of the story is not to give all dudes slack to be flakes, but to just be who you want to be. If my gf had spent those days thinking I was a flake—well, she would have flaked on it. Ditto me. Both of those are wins. It's the stuff in the middle where everyone gets lost.

 

This somehow was exactly what I needed to hear.

 

I’m just going to be how I am to everybody— not worry if the other person ‘reads into it’

 

If this was a friend I’d certainly follow up on how they were feeling. I did just that.

 

Thanks for the advice Bluecastle.

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I wouldn't be interested. Life's too short for disorganization, missed appointments, questionable headaches and spotty vibes. In all that time where you were feeling confused and unsure about him, I'd have rather done something else. It's not really the headache that was a problem, was it though. It's the fact that your messages to each other are spotty and unpredictable (hit or miss as per your other thread) and the vibe is sometimes off.

 

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt for as long as you're able to stretch it but it's pretty obvious your patience is wearing thin and you practically have to talk yourself down from your gut instincts which I find very odd - you wouldn't have created two threads about how confusing this person is. Beyond one or two weeks, I'd cut the fellow loose if the connection is still spotty.

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General consensus? Not interested or other possibility

Okay,

 

Guy I am seeing (same guy here:

 

I think you are over-thinking. You're over-investing and trying to read tea leaves to take his temperature and it's not necessary. Being slow to text usually means that someone is reading your message while busy. He responds at a more appropriate time, and since his responses are thoughtful rather than one-worders, that explains why he doesn't throw you a word while he's busy.

 

Having a headache on a Monday? One his first day back at work after a trip. Believable.

 

I'd pipe down and back off. Let the guy return to his natural rhythm and get back on track. Then allow a rhythm to develop in your communication and your dating. THEN decide whether he's attentive enough for you.

 

Head high, and enjOy dating, or what's the point?

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