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Confused about this break up


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My boyfriend and I had a long serious relationship, lived together during this time. He recently moved leaving important stuff behind, the bills and our house in his name. After being gone for a month he started to act distant to telling me he wanted to break up. It has been a few months since this happened. . We have still talked some during this time. He finally told me he was trying to make a clean break from all this and no chance we will ever have a romantic relationship again. He wants to remain being friends. Last week he told me the break up and everything was all him, and realized the relationship was not healthy for me at all. He still calls me by the pet name he gave me. Will not even talk to me about exchanging back the sentimental items that were agreed to be returned if we broke up. What does all this mean?

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Can I ask how old you guys are?

 

He sounds like he's kind of jumped the shark, as people do. Whether he was contemplating ending things before moving, or whether something (or someone) happened in his life soon after moving, it's pretty clear that he divested from the relationship during that time. And now he has told you, in no uncertain language, that the relationship is over. So hard, I know. Hugs.

 

It doesn't sound like you very much was to remain friends, or are at the moment capable of that. Can't say I blame you, as he's handled all this in a pretty unfriendly manner. So what I would do in your shoes is ask him for space and privacy while you heal. If there are things that need taken care of—house, bills—come up with a plan that works for you. Maybe that's moving, maybe that's having everything transferred to your name, if you can afford it.

 

I'm a little confused about the mention of sentimental items. Are you wanting to give back things he's given you, or get back things you've given him?

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We are in our late 30’s. I have tried to talk to him about doing what needs to be done to put everything in my name. Avoids it all together or tells me it’s fine like it is. I do feel he has meet someone else as he was chatting with females before leaving. I would like to return my engagement ring back and get an important item back from him. He won’t talk to me about that.

 

At the moment I have not contacted him at all since he broke my heart. If he is serious on ending things don’t understand why we can’t get everything taken care of and exchange and go on with our lives.

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Being frank, I think what you have on your hands is a coward of a man. You know him better than me, of course, so only you know if he has a habit of wilting a bit when something makes him uncomfortable rather than, you know, actually dealing with it. Still, whether he's showed you that in the past or not, he's really showing it to you now.

 

Which really, really sucks. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

 

Can you afford to stay where you are? If so, I think you can transfer everything to your name without him. You call the landlord and make an amendment to the lease, call the electric company (and whoever else) and start a new account under your name. Not fun, I know, but doable.

 

I'd get those ducks in a line, and then send him one email telling him that if you don't hear back within a day x, y, and z is going to happen. Bottom line: what is "fine" for him is far from fine for you, and if he had half a brain, or any ability to think about someone other than himself, he would know that. But he's out to lunch—or, likely, taking someone else out to lunch—so to hope for something from him is just a recipe for more hurt and uncertainty.

 

The ring? That's tough. Maybe put that question on hold for a minute—and the ring in a box tucked into a corner of a closet—so you can focus on matters of logistical urgency and then matters of emotional urgency.

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I can afford all this on my own and have been for the past few months now. The ring hasn’t been worn in awhile he’s been acting weird and strange behavior for almost a year. He does not or will not talk about feeling and all that. Hates when I do especially if I start crying. The bills I can’t do anything until out of his name.

 

My thing is if he wants the relationship over do what I need to be done and we move on. Some guy friends told me that he could be doing this to have a way back into my life. He may have some one and I’m like the backup girl still until he knows for sure she is the one or whatever. My thing being engaged how can he find some one so soon? I’m sure it’s to help avoid feeling anything from our break up. Not right if another girl is in the picture makes me think he never really cared at all about me.

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My boyfriend and I had a long serious relationship, lived together during this time. He recently moved leaving important stuff behind, the bills and our house in his name. After being gone for a month he started to act distant to telling me he wanted to break up. It has been a few months since this happened. . We have still talked some during this time. He finally told me he was trying to make a clean break from all this and no chance we will ever have a romantic relationship again. He wants to remain being friends. Last week he told me the break up and everything was all him, and realized the relationship was not healthy for me at all. He still calls me by the pet name he gave me. Will not even talk to me about exchanging back the sentimental items that were agreed to be returned if we broke up. What does all this mean?

 

You need to focus on the business of this. If the house is totally in his name - he bought it before you - find a new place to live. If it was supposed to be your lovenest, but you don't have any financial tie to it, i would also consider giving him notice that you are leaving. If you put a downpayment down, just very business like ask for him to settle up with you.

If it is agreed that he sells the house to you and you stay, then settle that up.

 

What does it all mean? you need to move on. Send him or leave in the house the sentimental things you agreed to leave him and pack your stuff up.

 

Do not talk about the relationship

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Thank you. And I will try to get him to address these issues with me. Have been saving up In case I do have to leave. I am listed on the lease only his income was used. They want him present do a walk through and me do a new lease. He not doing that either.

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It means he's processing the break up. You've formed an attachment. That attachment doesn't magically disappear right away.

 

He still has made the decision to end things. Do yourself a favour and to start letting go as well.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. If he was messing with other females, then it's a good thing he's leaving. YOU deserve better. He is a coward would be a bad choice for a partner.

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Thank you. And I will try to get him to address these issues with me. Have been saving up In case I do have to leave. I am listed on the lease only his income was used. They want him present do a walk through and me do a new lease. He not doing that either.

 

Oh, so its not an owned home.

Honestly, you do not need him to walk you through the new lease. you are intelligent, and can read it over yourself. It usually is a standard form you can find online, also, so you can google a bit too. i would have one of your parents read it, or another trusted person if legal documents scare you. But you do NOT need him to walk you through. If his income was used and your name was on it, you used his income to qualify to get the place, but since your name is on the lease, you just need to inform your landlord that he has moved.

 

I would contact your landlord and find out how you can get the lease in your name only.

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Oh, so its not an owned home.

Honestly, you do not need him to walk you through the new lease. you are intelligent, and can read it over yourself. It usually is a standard form you can find online, also, so you can google a bit too. i would have one of your parents read it, or another trusted person if legal documents scare you. But you do NOT need him to walk you through. If his income was used and your name was on it, you used his income to qualify to get the place, but since your name is on the lease, you just need to inform your landlord that he has moved.

 

I would contact your landlord and find out how you can get the lease in your name only.

 

It sounds like the landlord wants him present for a walk through, not the OP. The landlord has to have the current leaseholder confirm the condition of the property in case a fee or a deposit refund is due.

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I’m a landlord, and have been in this situation: putting a lease in the name of someone when one person straight up ghosted. It can be done. The bills in his name? Call the companies and let them know you’re starting a new lease, etc. Doable. Business is business and that’s all this part is.

 

I can’t get into his head, but if I had to venture a guess I would say he’s just frozen in an emotional purgatory—one that really doesn’t deserve much attention. He probably hopes, on a subconscious level, that it will “all work out” if he just does...nothing. I’ve been in a version of that, when I was 25. It was work-related, not love-related, but I basically ghosted on reality for 4 months. Not a fine moment.

 

Point being, this can all end when you decide to end it. I think the time is now—that the time was maybe a good while ago, judging from things you’re saying about him.

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Is he living with a new woman? What legal arrangements have you made? At any time he can evict you, so you had better make arrangements to get out. Leave whatever bills and all his stuff there. Stop paying all the bills, pack up and get out. If he's stupid enough to abandon his own property, that's on him. He will legally have to pay rent whether he is there or with his new gf until he makes other arrangements. Keep the ring, he dumped you.

the bills and our house in his name.
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