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Its a long one so here goes.....

 

My ex and i had been together for 2 years. Engaged for 8 months of that. We have known each other for 5 years.

The first 3 years we were FWB. Ive always had feelings for him. I ended up pregnant and we had limited contact during the pregnancy.

Once the baby was born he was always there for us. When she was a few months old he decided he wanted us to give things a proper go, and that he had been thinking about it for a while, that DD put everything into perspective for him.

 

We had an amazing relationship. Very few disagreements and next to no arguements. I fell pregnant again when DD was 10 months old. Everything was great. We were looking to move in together and at christmas he proposed.

We would take the children out on day trips and weeks away and just have family trips to the park and things like that.

We went away at the end of june and i became quite ill.

When we returned home i had my illness to deal with along with helping out with my mum who had become sick following complications of an extensive operation. This meant that i got caught up in family problems and didnt make as much time for him as i should of. We didnt see eachother for almost 2 months despite him asking every week if we were going to stay at his.

 

He was always telling me how in love with me he was and that he missed me and couldnt wait for our future together and that he wanted us to have another baby once we we're living together.

 

Then out of nowhere he suddenly ended things. He said that his head was a mess and he didnt want to lose me but thought that not being in a relationship might be good for him. He said he needed a break to work out of he still loved me or not because he thinks he had fallen out of love. I asked if there was anyone else and he said no. He said he still cared for me and always would and that we never know what the future will hold.

He said that it was best we didnt see eachother for a little while as he didnt think seeing me would help him right now.

 

2 weeks later (last week) we met up for him to see the children. It was the first time we had seen eachother since returning from holiday in june. Things were great. Like nothing had changed. We laughed and played with the children in the park before taking then for a pub lunch.

 

We talked, not about the relationship or the break up but just about general things. He kept the conversation flowing, asking questions. There was no awkwardness at all. I noticed he was still wearing his ring but half way through meeting had taken it off. A couple of times he seemed abit down, bleary eyed but when i asked if he was ok he just said yes and shrugged it off.

 

I text him later that evening to say it was good to see him and that the children had had a great time. He never replied

I have since heard through a mutual friend that that night he got into a relationship with a girl he had slept with at work after our break up.

 

He suffers with anxiety and depression and can be very insecure. I think this played a big part in him ending things as he probably wouldve felt like i wasnt interested anymore because we hadnt seen eachother. Plus obviously not seeing eachother also means not having sex.

 

He hasn't taken down anything on social media apart from his relationship status so the last fee photos on instagram are of me with quotes like my world and things like that so anyone looking would assume we were still together. And he posts things on facebook about over thinking and hoping for better times, and how bad times show you whos always been there for you. Along with quite a few quotes about depression.

 

 

Could seeing and spending time with me like old times have made him think maybe he had made a mistake and thats why hes suddenly jumped into a new relationship?

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Sorry this happened. Take care of yourself and your family. It sounds like he reluctantly entered a relationship but can not handle it . You are a single mother and need to file for child support and structured visitation on your child's behalf.

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I am so sorry and your story made me very sad for you.

 

I try to see both sides, unfortunately life is deals us difficult times and if your partner can't be there for you during them and seeks comfort elsewhere, then he's probably not worth having around.

 

The part that stood out to me is not only did he abandon you when times were difficult, you had to bring the children to him to see them? Does he not feel any sort of obligation to his children?

 

Being together might kindle something, but he's shown to you he's more of a fair weathered friend, than a life partner. I know you are hurting but I would seriously reconsider wanting him back.

 

What happens the next time things get challenging? Will he bail again? Will you live in fear that he can't handle it? Because as sure as the sun rises, the next life's challenges are just down the road. It's just a matter of time.

 

I am personally dealing a boyfriend who's spend more than half a year with his parents, in another state taking care of them. I would never consider monkey branching to someone who paid attention to me in his absence. The fact that he's doing this makes me love him and respect him more.

 

(If I am reading this right) the fact the he left the kids too would be enough for me to never reconsider having him back.

 

He suffers with anxiety and depression and can be very insecure

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Reluctantly? You mean with me? There was never any pressure for him to be in a relationship with me. I had given up on hoping that would happen before our first was born. We had a very happy healthy relationship. It was the biggest shock when he proposed. I would never have expected him to. And he had obviously been planning it a little while as he had been talking to his mum about it and she helped him to pick out a ring.

 

It doesnt seem very reluctant to me

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Dearest Lucy,

When you were unwell and juggling so much, your partner should be there for you. Not feel neglected and looking for meeting his needs elsewhere.

Did he speak to you about it back than ?

Two months is not that long but probably for him it was.

Best to do is nothing. Keep being warm when you meet him.

Whatever is going in his life ,other woman or not, he has to figure it out all by himself. Otherwise you will be demoted to fwb again.

I really wish you all the very best from all my heart as you sound so wonderful.

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That's such a sad story; things seem to have been pretty rough for you since June, even without this breakup. I don't understand why you didn't see each other for two months, though. I get that it might be difficult for you to stay with him when you were caring for your mother - but why could he not come to see you?

 

The only one who really knows what's going on in his mind is HIM; nobody else can answer that one for you. However, it seems likely that when he told you there was nobody else, this may have been economical with the truth - especially as he's now in a relationship with someone he had previously slept with. It also seems very unlikely that seeing you all together and thinking that he's made a mistake would lead him into jumping into a new relationship. Quite the reverse, in fact.

 

The only thing you can do really is to pick up the pieces of your life, including arrangements for child support from him, and move on as best you can. Reading between the lines of your post, I'm guessing that you're hoping he'll come back. It would be a mistake to hold on to this, I think, as this will lead to even more heartache than you already have. Stop checking his social media and look towards your own future and that of your children, and get support from as many people as you can - but don't bank on him coming back.

 

(((HUGS)))

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We live a good few miles apart and he doesnt drive so although he could have found a way to get to us it wouldnt have been easy, especially with his work schedule.

 

Hes very stubborn and rather than admit he had made a mistake would try to prove to himself and everyone else that he hadnt

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My guess is he'd been getting close to this new woman for a while, and that's the real reason he ended it with you.

 

To go from a break-up to a new relationship all in 4 weeks suggests this was not something that developed out of the blue between them.

 

I am not saying he wouldn't have found it difficult not to see you and his own children for 2 months. That is nearly incomprehensible to me. Whether that was by design or be circumstance, it no doubt created distance between you and him. I have a bad feeling that is when he turned outside the relationship for attention; whether he ended it with you because he felt guilty or because he truly has some feelings for her is a question that might be left unanswered.

 

Is he rebounding? Hard to say. It doesn't really even matter. What matters is that when the going got tough for just a couple months, the relationship fell apart completely. That is not a good sign for long-term viability. Life is full of rough waters; he's showed you he's not so much up for weathering the storm.

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Sorry about all this. Big, big hugs.

 

I can't tell you what's going on in his mind, but I can tell you that the guy you've described seems pretty lost and unreliable—a guy who steps down when life needs him to step up, who looks for the easy way out of hard situations, leaving others to do the heavy lifting. In your shoes, I can't quite see how you can trust him to be there as you need a partner to be there, since he has shown an inability to consider the feelings and lives of others alongside his own.

 

You're making what sounds to me like a lot of excuses—he's stubborn, insecure, anxiety-prone, etc.—to excuse some pretty inexcusable behavior. Or, at the very least, a man who has some serious maturing to do. And he may be all those things, but with two kids demanding your time, attention, and love, do you really want to take on taking care of another? Do you think he's breaking his brain to understand you, and accommodate your needs, at the same frequency yours is spinning to understand and accommodate him? No, he's hanging with a shiny new thing that makes him feel shiny.

 

I think the best thing you can do, for your own sanity and for your kids, is to take the steps needed to move forward from this, without thinking he's going to shed the "rebound" and step into shoes he's been tripping in for a good long time. He may very well shed the rebound and circle back to you, but how long until he starts tripping again? I know it doesn't seem like "a good long time" right now, but from what you've described—a long FWB dynamic leading to an unplanned pregnancy, an unplanned pregnancy leading to commitment, followed by the reality of commitment leading to "I'm a mess"—I can't help but get the impression of a man who is living his life very passively, relying on others, and outside stimuli, to give him the kick in the pants he hasn't learned how to give himself.

 

That's bad news for partnership, generally, and often bad news for parenthood. I'm the product of a man who can't kick himself in his own butt and who wilts at the smallest breezes life throws his way. I am every day thankful that my mother didn't wait around for him to step up, since she'd still be waiting to this day, and it was 35 years ago that she stepped out on her own. Great model for me, while my father was also a great model, in ways—a fun guy who has no idea how to be a man. I absorbed the fun stuff while using his template of manhood as a case study in how not to be as an adult. Had my mother kept the door open to him, I suspect I'd have a very different view of life, and how to go about living it.

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He is apparently already telling this new girl he loves her? Even if they had been getting close whilst we were still together surely thats still too soon to be real love?

 

Where are you getting this information from, Lucy?

 

I know it hurts to hear, but whether or not it's "real" love is not important. What is important is that he has not seen his own children in months and bailed pretty quickly when life handed you guys lemons. That sure isn't real love, either, I'm afraid to say.

 

Contact a lawyer. You can't be No Contact indefinitely when there are minor children involved. Learn what your rights are as their mom, and what his rights are as their dad. Get informed. You are eventually going to need a formal agreement, even if it seems unimaginable now that this where your life is at. Even if he comes back, I can't see how you would ever trust him enough not to run away again when the next Speedbump of Life comes along. This isn't a reliable man, Lucy.

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He doesn't have to. What you have to do is provide child support and stand up for your child in court and petition on her behalf. It's not your decision to decide if "They dont need someone like that in their lives". The court determines that when you arrange court ordered visitation/custody.

 

Keep in mind he can decline seeing them but he must legally pay child support, when you get yourself to court and do the right thing for your child and stop fussing over whoever he cheated on you with. Is tracking him and his new woman really that much more important than your own child?

If he makes no effort to see his children or to even ask how they are they i can and will go no contact indefinitely. !
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No. He hadnt seen any of us until last week. And no i have had nothing from him for them since june. I havent asked though. When he ended things he said he'd support us and i asked how and he said if i didnt believe he would to get csa set in place

I'm sorry, but you want this guy back?! He is a horrific parent! You seem to be more concerned about him returning to you, than the fact that he does not contact or support his kids for three months! What are you thinking?

 

You need to see an attorney to get a support agreement with this loser! Expect more for your children, and yourself. Time to think of them.

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If he makes no effort to see his children or to even ask how they are they i can and will go no contact indefinitely. They dont need someone like that in their lives!

 

You are not thinking in the best interest of the kids. This deadbeat should be supporting them! You chose this guy, and there were a lot of red flags. You are both thinking of your own needs and also very irresponsible. Put your ego aside.

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Im sorry but none of you have any idea what i do for my children. Whether i want him back or not is regardless. I have and always will do right by my children. Even with him around i have practically raised them as a single parent due to us living apart. I do everything for them and i wouldnt have it any other way. I cannot tell you the last time i went anywhere or did anything without atleast one of them with me. I dont want, nor need his money. We have managed just fine so far. He is not on their birth certificates, he refused with our first as he wanted me to have an abortion. If he makes no effort to be apart of their lives then why should i chase around after him. It's better that he's just gone. I have never asked him for any money towards them. Yeah hes brought them things and paid on day trips but i have never had any kind of maintainance and i do not intend to start asking for it now!

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Im sorry but none of you have any idea what i do for my children. Whether i want him back or not is regardless. I have and always will do right by my children. Even with him around i have practically raised them as a single parent due to us living apart. I do everything for them and i wouldnt have it any other way. I cannot tell you the last time i went anywhere or did anything without atleast one of them with me. I dont want, nor need his money. We have managed just fine so far. He is not on their birth certificates, he refused with our first as he wanted me to have an abortion. If he makes no effort to be apart of their lives then why should i chase around after him. It's better that he's just gone. I have never asked him for any money towards them. Yeah hes brought them things and paid on day trips but i have never had any kind of maintainance and i do not intend to start asking for it now!

 

He sounds like a real prize. Next time, be more selective in your choice of men, as it is the kids who suffer.

 

You will pursue support if you put your children's interest first. This is for them.

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Im sorry but none of you have any idea what i do for my children. Whether i want him back or not is regardless. I have and always will do right by my children. Even with him around i have practically raised them as a single parent due to us living apart. I do everything for them and i wouldnt have it any other way. I cannot tell you the last time i went anywhere or did anything without atleast one of them with me. I dont want, nor need his money. We have managed just fine so far. He is not on their birth certificates, he refused with our first as he wanted me to have an abortion. If he makes no effort to be apart of their lives then why should i chase around after him. It's better that he's just gone. I have never asked him for any money towards them. Yeah hes brought them things and paid on day trips but i have never had any kind of maintainance and i do not intend to start asking for it now!

 

You're right, we did not have any idea what you do for your children. You did not provide the bolded details above when you opened this thread, so we had to go by the limited information you did offer. I don't think any of us here could have imagined the backstory on this.

 

With the information you gave in your reply above, it is very clear your relationship was not as great and happy as you initially made it sound. Perhaps that was you trying to convince yourself that things had been fine before he met someone else. But OP, I think it's time you got real with yourself.

 

From the first post, many of questioned this man's willingness and ability to be a decent partner for you. Now you're here admitting he's not on the birth certificate and even wanted you to abort one of the children. The more you write, the more it's confirmed that this man is no partner at all, and hasn't been for a long time. It took him leaving for someone else to force you to confront that fact, but it sounds like you needed a huge wake-up call about the poor father and boyfriend this guy really was. Why have you stuck with a man who refused to even acknowledge his child as his own?

 

As the others have wisely pointed out, financial support is for the benefit of your kids - not you. Unfortunately, even if your pride eventually lets you concede that your kids have a right to their dad's support, it could be difficult to obtain if he's not listed on their birth certificates. I have a bad feeling that was precisely his intention all along, not to pay support to them in the event he left you. And he has. I feel sad for you and your kids. You all deserve a lot more than this.

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