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Unsure How To Deal With Boyfriends Mother


angelita0609
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My mom would still not tell me that. Before I was married my husband slept in my bed in my room in my parent’s house.

 

That's great! My parents were like that too. The OP's bpyfriend's mother has a different opinion and different values and since she is the childrens' caregiver believes she has a say in how they are raised and what kind of environment they are raised in. The OP is just the girlfriend, not the children's mother, and doesn't have a say in what her boyfriend decides to do or not do about reacting to his mother's opinion on sleeping arrangements when he has custody of his children. But if I were the OP I'd deal with this specific situation -meaning either agree to it or not -and let her boyfriend handle it. Next, if it seems to be a pattern or more extreme where his mother seeks to control other aspects of his life, or other aspects were they to be married, then I would deal with those situations or pattern as a separate situation and contextually -meaning if she becomes the wife that will change what level of say/control she has in what will then be her home too. It is not her home right now. And they are not her kids or stepkids.

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That's great! My parents were like that too. The OP's bpyfriend's mother has a different opinion and different values and since she is the childrens' caregiver believes she has a say in how they are raised and what kind of environment they are raised in. The OP is just the girlfriend, not the children's mother, and doesn't have a say in what her boyfriend decides to do or not do about reacting to his mother's opinion on sleeping arrangements when he has custody of his children. But if I were the OP I'd deal with this specific situation -meaning either agree to it or not -and let her boyfriend handle it. Next, if it seems to be a pattern or more extreme where his mother seeks to control other aspects of his life, or other aspects were they to be married, then I would deal with those situations or pattern as a separate situation and contextually -meaning if she becomes the wife that will change what level of say/control she has in what will then be her home too. It is not her home right now. And they are not her kids or stepkids.

I don’t think her caring for them after school gives her the right to assert her dominance in how they are raised and his morality or not . Unless of course he has a revolving door on his bedroom which doesn’t sound the case.

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I don’t think her caring for them after school gives her the right to assert her dominance in how they are raised and his morality or not . Unless of course he has a revolving door on his bedroom which doesn’t sound the case.

 

Yes and they operate differently as a family. Most families have individual rules and morals and values. We don't know the whole context particularly because there was a divorce here and the children presumably went through a lot of adjustments. That might factor into their father's decisions on boundaries with his mother who is also his children's caregiver. We don't know and that is the point. You are entitled to your opinion of course. I think to put the children first he should accommodate his mother in my personal opinion and figure out whether this is a larger problem. This is up to him as their father.

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She's not sticking her nose where it doesn't belong. She's providing a service for his children, which is very much her concern, and she has a right to call the shots whether it clashes with your values or not. If he weren't using her for babysitting, it wouldn't matter what her opinion was and she would be out of line for interfering with a grown man and his family.

 

Do the children spend time with their mother?

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OP, if this is so important to you, why not offer him the money for alternative child care?

 

Like others said, child care is very expensive. If he is forced to find the money on his own, (if you don't help),he's going to have to work longer hours and be more resentful towards you.

 

YOU are the one rocking the boat here.

 

His mother does not want you sleeping there while you are not married. That's her right to think that. It is HER grandchildren. That is very important, especially as you have no blood lines to those children, nor is this your husband.

 

As I have mentioned before, you're going to create a very bad dynamic if you decide to confront his mother.

It's not your place.

 

Either have him sleep as yours or let it go about not sleeping there while the kids are over.

You said so yourself that it won't be long till you marry, so why turn this into a war?

 

His mother doesn't want you there overnight. So go home or get married.

 

It seems simple enough to me.

 

If it were me?? That's exactly what I would do. Trust me, I have had to bend more than I liked when it comes to SO's family. But that's what you gotta do sometimes.

This really isn't a war you should be taking on.

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When I made my "rule" about "no boyfriend spending the night when I have my kids", not one of them objected. Once in a while one guy I was in a 4 year relationship with whined when I couldn't spend every night with him or couldn't come by to hang out after work, but the other guy I dated for a few years understood. He just came over and spent nights with me when my kids were with their dad.

 

It wasn't ideal for them, I got that, but as long as I had kids who were under 18 that was the way it was. They still got to spend 2-3 nights a week with me overnight, so it wasn't that bad.

 

How frequently does he have his kids overnight?

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I'm late coming in and didn't read the other responses so forgive me if this has already been suggested but can't you just stay with him when the children are with their mother instead of staying there when the kids are there too? Is their mother no longer in the picture or something?

 

His mother has made her decision and she's not going to change it so either you two accept her decision and do what she says or you come up with a compromise that will satisfy the two of you while not rocking the boat with her. Is there no before/after school program at their school? Why can't you pick them up? Or: leave him so you don't have to deal with a mother in law that has the children's best interests at heart when it comes to morals and sensibilities.

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It wasn't ideal for them, I got that, but as long as I had kids who were under 18 that was the way it was. They still got to spend 2-3 nights a week with me overnight, so it wasn't that bad.

 

That was my thoughts too. If they still get to sleep together a few times a week, or on the week the kids aren't there, then what's the big deal?

 

Stay home to keep the peace when the kids are over.

 

Seems simple enough to me.

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Go ahead and state your boundaries. No one should dictate how you manage your personal life, right?

 

But be prepared to pony up for day care. Problem solved. But dont expect her to help raise them but at the same time tell her she has no voice.

 

Like I said earlier, life isn't always fair but these are your choices. You get to pick which hill you want to die on. It's not like you are going to change her or her values.

 

Something you touched on earlier - what if you gave in to this power struggle, what would she bring to the table next?

 

In that moment I got the sense it was no longer about preserving your right to sleep over with you boyfriend, but it was more about control and power. As if if you were let go of the stranglehold you had on this, then what's next?

 

Moms not wrong. Her value is just different. It is not in alignment with yours. So be it. But what if this was all she was strongly convicted about? Does that make her someone you need to lock horns in an attempt to let her know she cant control your entire life?

 

It's not your life shes after. It's what she believes is right for her grandchildren. That doesnt make her a bad person, nor your adversary. Resist making this about you and focus on the fact that she loves her grandchildren dearly.

 

You want her to have less leverage? Find daycare for the kids.

 

Bytheway, I went thru a divorce and only excersized my personal adult time when my sons were with their dad. I'm not saying my way is right, but I've had to choose my own path and one that felt right for my boys.

 

On the other hand my sons endured playing house and sleepovers with different women when at their dads.

 

Let's just say there was a couple years they chose not to be with their father at all due to this. How did I manage my personal life during that time? I visited my bf, but came home alone every night. Looking back, I wouldnt have changed a thing. It wasnt a big deal. At least not for me.

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If anyone was attempting to control the decisions I make in my life by withdrawing support I would do all I could do to make do without that support.

 

These are two adults living their adult lives. The mother has been asked to help with childcare. She can say yes or no.

 

But stipulating that she will only give support on condition her adult son changes his private life is very controlling and very arrogant.

 

If he goes along with this he is showing acceptance of her conditions. He is showing that she is the mother and he a child that has to abide by her wishes as if he was a 17 year old living under her roof. She clearly doesn't see him as an equal.

 

I would not have her minding the children. It comes with too high a price - control and meddling.

 

Of course, it's up to your boyfriend to know this and enforce this. But chances are (since she raised him) that he is somewhat afraid of her and still under her thumb.

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She's not fussed if they sleep together or do whatever when they are on their own, so it's not trying to control THEIR lives, it's about the grandchildren.

 

She doesn't feel it's sending the right message to them and she would rather they not do the sleep overs around them.

 

Its not about this man or OP...its about her grandkids. That's a different kettle of fish altogether.

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She's not fussed if they sleep together or do whatever when they are on their own, so it's not trying to control THEIR lives, it's about the grandchildren.

 

She doesn't feel it's sending the right message to them and she would rather they not do the sleep overs around them.

 

Its not about this man or OP...its about her grandkids. That's a different kettle of fish altogether.

 

No she wouldn't just 'rather' they don't do sleepovers when the kids are there. 'Rathering' would be just fine. Having a belief system is just fine.

 

She has gone beyond that. She is attempting to ensure that they actually do what SHE wants and believes in regardless of what her own son's belief system is.

 

Attempting to make grown up adults change their life to suit your preferences is not fine.

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For HER own grandchildren..she has a right to her views, sorry but she does.

 

Again, yes she has a right to her views, not saying she doesn't.

 

Where we disagree is that I don't think she has a right to literally attempt to ensure he lives by her beliefs. This is what she is attempting to do. They are clearly not his beliefs.

 

And he has more of a right here. Its his kids. His family. She is extended family.

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For HER own grandchildren..she has a right to her views, sorry but she does.
I think its fair to say there are a large number of us that have parents/relatives of an older, more conservative generation that wouldn't approve or support this.

 

We dont have to like it, but we can also anticipate them withdrawing their support if we do things that they don't agree with. It's their prerogative to remove themselves from being complicit.

 

It's not necessarily forcing us to comply with their values, but more so them just not wanting to be a part of it. . As if they are condoning it.

 

Mom may not want any control. She just wants to be at peace with her involvement on her terms.

 

Its possible the OP sees this as a power struggle, when in actuality it may not be at all.

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But he is asking a lot from the mother too.

 

People have already suggested to her alternatives. She can find the money for child care if this is bothering her so much, or both of them can.

Or get married and then the mother can't say anything, or sleep over when the kids are not there so as to keep the peace.

 

There's little other options here. If she makes a war, and he has no child care and no money to get help...then what? And also if she make a war and marries this man and has a very bad relationship with the mother and he still wants his mother in his life...then what?

 

All sides of this need to be looked at very carefully.

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Its possible the OP sees this as a power struggle, when in actuality it may not be at all.

 

To be honest, Reinvent, I think this is exactly what it is. I think many of us have here have expressed that this is not needing a war. But OP is finding it to be a power struggle between her versus the mom.

 

I think back to to times I had to bend for SO's family. It's part of being in a serious relationship or being married. YOu have to if you want to keep the peace.

 

But yes, if it really comes down to it, don't take anymore of the mothers support, ask her to leave, but be prepared for the consequences.

There always is, isn't there.

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I think its fair to say there are a large number of us that have parents/relatives of an older, more conservative generation that wouldn't approve or support this.

 

We dont have to like it, but we can also anticipate them withdrawing their support if we do things that they don't agree with. It's their prerogative to remove themselves from being complicit.

 

It's not necessarily forcing us to comply with their values, but more so them just not wanting to be a part of it. . As if they are condoning it.

 

Mom may not want any control. She just wants to be at peace with her involvement on her terms.

 

It's more than that I think.

 

She is not refusing to be part of their lives. She is not refusing to have them visit her. She is refusing to childmind them which she knows he needs.

 

Her withdrawal of support, as I see it, is a tactic to get him to do what she wants.

 

She knows he needs her and so she is using this power.

 

A non controlling person would still mind her grandkids while being annoyed at son's private choices. Or they might decide not to mind grandkids because they are so uncomfortable with it. However, stipulating that you will mind them if the son changes his private life and you won't mind then if he does...that's control.

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Again, yes she has a right to her views, not saying she doesn't.

 

Where we disagree is that I don't think she has a right to literally attempt to ensure he lives by her beliefs. This is what she is attempting to do. They are clearly not his beliefs.

 

And he has more of a right here. Its his kids. His family. She is extended family.

 

I agree. Grandparents can have opinions but they don’t take precedent over a parent’s view.

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Honestly, can't you sleep over when his kids are with their mother?? Why is that so hard?? If they are with mom on weekends, or every other week or half the week, if you live too far where you would have to switch your daughter's school if you moved, how are you even staying there on school nights.

Its not just about his kids, but setting an example for your daughter. Do you want to teach her that this is okay -- she will think its okay to have a boyfriend spend the night or to move in during college instead of concentrating on school?

 

 

I get that you don't want your daughter to switch schools - but there are ways around that.

as in, get married, and drive her to school the 20 extra minutes. (sorry i did not read how far you are away).

Look for a house in between.

Live with him half the week and half the week in your house with your daughter.

If its far - like 2 hours away and Grandma or Aunt and Uncle live close to the school, she sleeps at their house monday- thursday night and you pick her up after school on Friday.

 

Honestly, if your daughter is in school 1-3 more years, that is a decent amount of time for an engagement - you can continue to get to know eachother during that time and figure out how you will blend the families - what's the rush? its not like you are hurrying to be together to make a baby.

 

Why do you HAVE to spend the night while his kids are there?

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I think the bottom line here is, if the grandmother is really the only source of childcare, you and your BF will have to comply. If your BF doesn't want to be bound by her rules of morals and values, then he needs to seek alternate child care. She doesn't get a say if he utilizes other childcare. You, as a would-be wife, can contribute financially to this. You need to step up as a step-mother in all ways if this is a serious endeavor and a serious relationship, not just a few dates and sleep-overs.

 

When it comes to religious and moral and cultural values, you may very well be walking straight into a pit of fire, and people have to be willing to abandon their roots and their families if the families can't embrace different decisions and different religious choices or moral choices. It's a big decision and a big pill to swallow. I suspect the sleep-overs and child care are just a chip in the iceburg of the reality of the family dynamics, and your (possible fiance/husband) boyfriend needs to make some hard choices on his own...some that may result in shunning and loss of his family. I honestly can't say I'd walk into that vat of mess a second time.

 

Beyond the childcare and sleep-over situation, is this a family that will work for you or against you?

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