Met a girl Online and not sure how to proceed with things - opinions needed

[cingularity83]

She feels safer with friends or group settings since she doesn't know you well yet. She wants her friends' opinions regarding what they think of you. She will ask for opinions whenever you're out of earshot or after you leave.

 

You are being put through the test so if you want to impress her and her friends, be on your best, most respectable, well-mannered, honorable behavior.

 

we went out hiking/ walking together for our 2nd date so I doubt the feeling safe with groups around is a valid reasoning... but since you didn't know that information I can certainly see and understand why you'd think that

[Hollyj]

I think you are making a bigger deal out of this than is necessary. if you like her, then ask her out again. Stop being so sensitive. You also went in with a bad attitude, and I am certain that she could sense it.

[cingularity83]

I think you are making a bigger deal out of this than is necessary. if you like her, then ask her out again. Stop being so sensitive. You also went in with a bad attitude, and I am certain that she could sense it.

 

How exactly did I go with a bad attitude? Just because I expressed I had some initial concerns? I was friendly while there & wanted to make a good impression on her friends.

She accused me of not talking much specifically to her (which by the way I did talk to her in the limited time we had available).

I explained to her that I was trying to make an effort to engage her friends in conversations as much as possible so they didn’t feel like I was being rude to them since it’s my first time meeting them.

But again the nature of the event we went to didn’t really lend itself to talking much in general because it was a theater Play that required silence for almost the 2 & a half hour duration.

She & her friends went to dinner first before the event started and were running late to the event. By the time they arrived we literally had a few minutes before the show started and were scrambling to our seats. We sat down and a few minutes later it began.

 

Where exactly does the being sensitive part come from? Just because I said the night ended on a sour awkward note?

 

Now retrospectively looking back at the night... maybe perhaps I should have focused on talking to her more rather than her friends but then who knows, maybe then I would have gotten accused of ignoring her friends by her.

 

Either way she's a cool girl but I'm just not certain that we are compatible and that's okay. I don't see anything wrong with that.

 

Some things I left out.... at the end of the night after the Show was over we walked out and her friends said goodbye and left. That's when we had the conversation. Afterwards we talked about our opinions of the Play for a bit.

I asked her where she parked and she indicated in the opposite direction of where I parked. I said okay, no problem and was being a gentleman and offered to walk her to her car to make sure she got there safe. At her car we talked for a bit more and said our goodbyes.

 

Now where I was parked was probably a good 10 minute walk away from where she parked at. I thought out of common courtesy that maybe perhaps she could have said something like "hey do you want a ride back to your car" but she didn't. It's a small gesture but I noticed and certainly not something I'd make a big deal about to her. Just like how some strangers will be polite and doors open for others and some people don't. It didn't make her a bad person necessarily but it's something I took notice of when she didn't offer.

 

She also said that she was closer to her home than I was to my house and I'd be getting back home so I should send her a text to let her know I got home safe and sound. I did just that when I got home and thanked her for a nice evening and she never replied back to it. Now there's a real chance possibility that she could've fell asleep but also something I took note of because if the situation was reversed I'd make sure I at least stayed up to reply to a text I told something I'd be expecting if I said for them to check in with me because I wanted to know they made it home safe.

[Batya33]

One of my friends loves to send me texts she meant to send but forgot to click send. Happened to my husband with me a week or so ago plus it's happened to me where I forgot once or twice.

 

It sounds like you're testing her too as far as manners.

[cingularity83]

One of my friends loves to send me texts she meant to send but forgot to click send. Happened to my husband with me a week or so ago plus it's happened to me where I forgot once or twice.

 

It sounds like you're testing her too as far as manners.

 

In all fairness I did mention that perhaps she could’ve fell asleep....

I didn’t say it was something I was going to confront her about and/ or blow out of proportion. I simply just said I took a small mental note of it.

 

Also not sure how expecting common courtesy counts as testing someone for manners, but it’s your opinion & you have your own experiences for why you feel so and I can respect that.

 

I certainly do probably have a high standard for at the very least expecting basic common courtesy from people & nothing else beyond that... and it’s only because I hold myself to that standard for extending common courtesy whenever possible.

 

After our first 3 dates when she was mostly out in my area and she texted me when she got home after the date when she got home I always made sure to text her back to acknowledge (especially just after a date night)

[Hollyj]

The only issue I saw, was that she did not drive you to your car. This was not considerate.

If you are not compatible, then you are not compatible.

I do think you need to chill out a bit. You seem to totally overthink and get quite defensive- the long, detailed responses. I am not trying to be mean, it is a simple suggestion.

[Batya33]

In all fairness I did mention that perhaps she could’ve fell asleep....

I didn’t say it was something I was going to confront her about and/ or blow out of proportion. I simply just said I took a small mental note of it.

 

Also not sure how expecting common courtesy counts as testing someone for manners, but it’s your opinion & you have your own experiences for why you feel so and I can respect that.

 

I certainly do probably have a high standard for at the very least expecting basic common courtesy from people & nothing else beyond that... and it’s only because I hold myself to that standard for extending common courtesy whenever possible.

 

After our first 3 dates when she was mostly out in my area and she texted me when she got home after the date when she got home I always made sure to text her back to acknowledge (especially just after a date night)

 

Yes - you have very specific details about common courtesy while others who also expect it might not be as detailed -like you expect the text back within a specific time and assume it wasn't sent or typed.

[bluecastle]

I agree with Holly's last post. If you're not compatible, all good. That's dating, more often than not. I also agree that a touch more chill would benefit you, letting things flow a bit instead of analyzing the flow or trying to corral it.

 

This thread, in a sense, began with an analyzation of the flow. What was up with her inviting you to a play? What did it mean? Who is this woman and what's her deal? That's a heavy way to approach things, putting a magnifying lens on things that may not warrant it—that may, in ways, prevent you from seeing things for what they are or just seeing One Thing at the expense of the Whole Thing. It's a tough energy to bring to the table—or, well, to the theater.

 

I don't have a portal into her brain, so I can't tell you if she was feeling that energy or not—if, who knows, maybe the reason she asked if everything was okay was partly because she got the vibe that you were in your head, spinning around, taking notes, and "trying to make an effort" rather than just being yourself hanging out on a Saturday. Is it possible that she was just "observing" something that she noticed, rather than "accusing" you of something? Could it be that she was just talking to you, not judging you and demanding a defense? Your language is pretty aggressive and litigious, given the circumstances.

 

I don't exist in my head quite the way you do, so it's hard for me to relate, I admit. Like, your post reminded me of an early date with my now girlfriend: an afterwork drink at a bar. Nice, warm time. She'd parked a little walk away, so I walked her to her car, said a sweet goodbye. My motorcycle was back at the bar. I walked back, rode home, didn't infuse any of it with much meaning save the fact that she was lovely and I looked forward to seeing her again. I wasn't "testing" her against my personal Considerate Human Scale, in other words, but was just observing, going with it. She struck me as considerate, in some larger sense. Great. I struck her however I struck her. Also great. The flow, you know?

 

She's just a person. You're just a person. Saturday was just a date. Would you like another? If the gut says yes more than no, plan another. If not, don't. If you're stuck in an analytical loop it might mean she's not the one for you. And if analytical loops are a mainstay with dating—well, it might be beneficial to try to loosen the knots a bit so you can enjoy the ride. Hard to enjoy the scenery when we're white-knuckling the wheel.

[cingularity83]

The only issue I saw, was that she did not drive you to your car. This was not considerate.

If you are not compatible, then you are not compatible.

I do think you need to chill out a bit. You seem to totally overthink and get quite defensive- the long, detailed responses. I am not trying to be mean, it is a simple suggestion.

 

explaining yourself in detail with responses is now being defensive?

you'd rather I give short non-detailed responses?

 

As far as the girl it is what is at this point....

[cingularity83]

Yes - you have very specific details about common courtesy while others who also expect it might not be as detailed -like you expect the text back within a specific time and assume it wasn't sent or typed.

 

very true.... I've been working on telling myself that just because I do things for people doesn't mean I should also automatically expect the same back.

 

For instance I'm the kind of person that will always hold doors open for people... not everybody does that. Rather than take offense with people that don't I have learned to just appreciate those do

[cingularity83]

I agree with Holly's last post. If you're not compatible, all good. That's dating, more often than not. I also agree that a touch more chill would benefit you, letting things flow a bit instead of analyzing the flow or trying to corral it.

 

This thread, in a sense, began with an analyzation of the flow. What was up with her inviting you to a play? What did it mean? Who is this woman and what's her deal? That's a heavy way to approach things, putting a magnifying lens on things that may not warrant it—that may, in ways, prevent you from seeing things for what they are or just seeing One Thing at the expense of the Whole Thing. It's a tough energy to bring to the table—or, well, to the theater.

 

I don't have a portal into her brain, so I can't tell you if she was feeling that energy or not—if, who knows, maybe the reason she asked if everything was okay was partly because she got the vibe that you were in your head, spinning around, taking notes, and "trying to make an effort" rather than just being yourself hanging out on a Saturday. Is it possible that she was just "observing" something that she noticed, rather than "accusing" you of something? Could it be that she was just talking to you, not judging you and demanding a defense? Your language is pretty aggressive and litigious, given the circumstances.

 

I don't exist in my head quite the way you do, so it's hard for me to relate, I admit. Like, your post reminded me of an early date with my now girlfriend: an afterwork drink at a bar. Nice, warm time. She'd parked a little walk away, so I walked her to her car, said a sweet goodbye. My motorcycle was back at the bar. I walked back, rode home, didn't infuse any of it with much meaning save the fact that she was lovely and I looked forward to seeing her again. I wasn't "testing" her against my personal Considerate Human Scale, in other words, but was just observing, going with it. She struck me as considerate, in some larger sense. Great. I struck her however I struck her. Also great. The flow, you know?

 

She's just a person. You're just a person. Saturday was just a date. Would you like another? If the gut says yes more than no, plan another. If not, don't. If you're stuck in an analytical loop it might mean she's not the one for you. And if analytical loops are a mainstay with dating—well, it might be beneficial to try to loosen the knots a bit so you can enjoy the ride. Hard to enjoy the scenery when we're white-knuckling the wheel.

 

thanks, it's something I need to get better at for sure

 

and also your entire I post definitely offers up some food for thoughts. Some times I tend to care MORE than I should and that's not a good thing so I'll add that to list of things to work on and be mindful in future. It can cause unnecessary stress and anxiety over things I have control over.

[bluecastle]

What do you mean, exactly, by caring "more" than you should? Do you mean caring about another human, or caring about how you are being perceived?

[Batya33]

very true.... I've been working on telling myself that just because I do things for people doesn't mean I should also automatically expect the same back.

 

For instance I'm the kind of person that will always hold doors open for people... not everybody does that. Rather than take offense with people that don't I have learned to just appreciate those do

 

So I meant something different -you are very specific in what you require -for example you expected her to respond to your text before she went to sleep. Another example -I hold doors for people as a rule. I won't if the person is trying to gain entry to our apartment building if I don't know the person (for safety reasons and those are the rules) and same with my office. I try my best to explain if I can or if it's safe to do so but perhaps the person might think I simply have bad manners.

 

Good attitude you have!

[Rose Mosse]

It doesn't sound like anything was off to me except that she didn't respond to your text. You were very polite and gentlemanly. She may also be a big talker during movies or performances and if that doesn't appeal to you (it wouldn't to me), that's entirely your call. It also seems superficial to ask someone to go through the trouble of texting you and then not being available to respond. You know when people say "Hi! How are you!" in passing and they never stop to hear you respond? I always roll my eyes and think to myself "just shut up". I agree with you that you're not compatible. You seem more thoughtful. She may be a bit of a ditz. That's ok too as you said. I'm getting the feeling that she's overly insecure with her weird questions. Also not appealing, imho.

 

In the meantime, if she still hasn't responded to you she's just not that kind of gal. Move on to someone a bit more thoughtful and careful and way more self-confident about herself. There are a lot of women who would much more prefer being with a guy like you than someone less like you.

[cingularity83]

It doesn't sound like anything was off to me except that she didn't respond to your text. You were very polite and gentlemanly. She may also be a big talker during movies or performances and if that doesn't appeal to you (it wouldn't to me), that's entirely your call. It also seems superficial to ask someone to go through the trouble of texting you and then not being available to respond. You know when people say "Hi! How are you!" in passing and they never stop to hear you respond? I always roll my eyes and think to myself "just shut up". I agree with you that you're not compatible. You seem more thoughtful. She may be a bit of a ditz. That's ok too as you said. I'm getting the feeling that she's overly insecure with her weird questions. Also not appealing, imho.

 

In the meantime, if she still hasn't responded to you she's just not that kind of gal. Move on to someone a bit more thoughtful and careful and way more self-confident about herself. There are a lot of women who would much more prefer being with a guy like you than someone less like you.

 

Yea thanks. I have my own faults but one thing I always at least try to do is be nice and courteous to people. I always say you never know what someone is going thru at the point you see them and maybe perhaps an act of kindness can help change their miserable day.

It also sounds to me like it could be a compatibility thing so I'll let her know that while I had enjoyed our time together these past couple months on our dates I don't want to waste her time any further by continuing to see her and wish her well with her life.

[bluecastle]

I'm curious: Did she ever reply to your text about making it home, or reach out the next day?

 

Also: If you're deciding to call it a day, I wouldn't phrase it as not wanting to waste her time. She can manage her time however she sees fit, you know? I'd be honest about you simply not feeling that you two are compatible, and wishing her the best, if that's how you honestly feel after some reflection.

[greendots]

Tne way I see it, you tried your best. Now is your time to determine how important things like courtesy are to you and if this girl's habits mesh with your lifestyle. Her not having replied back or the fact that she enjoys talking during plays, are these things that you could live with?