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Jealousy,,,,unsure but uncomfortable feeling.


Timeout74
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Hi all,

I will try and keep this short as possible.

As some of you may have read before I’ve been having some issues with my marriage, mainly intimacy issues. Through one thing or another we are both giving it time but there is still zero intimacy between us, nothing at all. No kissing, cuddling, not even holding hands as this is my wife’s request and I’m trying to respect her wishes.

Me on the other hand, I’m trying my best and being patient although I am still very attracted to my wife in every way but I’m finding other ways to channel my urges and it works some of the time other times I just walk it off so to speak.

 

Anyway it was discussed that we should sleep in the same bed at the very least which I am happy with now as at least I’m near her in some way but this is where things got weird.

 

Over the past couple of weeks on three separate occasions I have been woken by my wife in what I would say has been an erotic dreams she has been having. Now last night was horrendous to say the least. I can’t even describe how this is making me feel because on one occasion a name was said during her dream and it wasn’t mine. Last night I had to wake her up and I left the bed and slept on the sofa because I’m not sure how I’m feeling about this at all. In a way I think I’m jealous which sounds crazy I know.

 

I feel like I’m being told she doesn’t want intimacy right now and then she is having erotic dreams which she has never ever done in the past 20 odd years I’ve been with her.

 

Strange one this, I have mentioned it today because she asked why I woke her up last night and I told her what she was doing to which she replied she can’t remember and never has those kinds of dreams.

 

Now I don’t know how I should be feeling about this as I do understand she was obviously dreaming but for someone who doesn’t want this between us yet dreams about it when she never has I’m very confused.

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I have two questions for you-

 

1. Have you had any intimacy since June?

 

2. Has she reconsidered going to marriage counseling with you?

 

I think the answer to both of these will say a lot. Sexless marriages only work if BOTH parties are fine with it. At this point, you have given her a LOT of time and space- 3 months without sex is a lot for a married couple that are both still healthy and able. At this point, I'd say a LOT pivots on if she's willing to go to counseling with you or not. IMVHO, there is a strong chance that she is having an affair. If it were JUST the dream alone, I'd say "it's just a dream, don't worry"- but the fact that she hasn't wanted any intimacy with you in MONTHS AND is calling someone else's name? To me, that's a red flag. If she isn't interested in marital counseling to fix this issue, then - IMO- it's almost a guarantee that she's having an affair.

 

You cannot live in a marriage indefinitely without sex unless BOTH parties are in agreement. Otherwise, it's a pressure cooker just WAITING to explode. You cannot be expected to live like a monk if she has NO intention of even TRYING to work on this with you or reach a compromise in which you can BOTH be happy. IMO, you have given her enough time and space and now you need ANSWERS! You need to sit down and have a frank conversation- Is she interested in working on this with you or are your needs and desires no longer compatible. If she has decided she just doesn't want to have sex with you anymore- then she needs to let you figure out if you are okay with that or if you should get divorced so you can be free to find someone who is more compatible with you.

 

While sex isn't everything- it IS an important ingredient to a healthy marriage. If you are expected to be a monogamous couple, then she owes it to you to tell you the truth. Withholding sex without discussion or effort to change (therapy) is not in ANY way healthy. You tried giving her time and have been patient, but now it's becoming unreasonable- unless she agrees to counseling to work thru it with you. But for her to just sit there and say, " Who knows when I may or may not be ready" is not fair, kind, loving or respectful to you. She has a choice to make- Therapy or divorce. The end.

 

Things as are they are now will not last. Without this discussion- one or both of you will eventually reach a breaking point. Best to figure it out NOW before it reaches that point.

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Going back through your threads....you keep focusing on intimacy while your wife is telling you to your face that she feels nothing for you, is over the marriage, had asked you to leave and obliterated any trace of you in your own home in seconds, refuses to so much as touch you (not even talking sex, just basic humanity here), is guarding her phone better than the CIA guards their secret documents and is constantly on said phone and panics if she left it unattended....... Dude....I'm sorry but you've got to stop living in denial and face the music and start looking and I mean look at what your wife is really doing and with who. If you don't want that, then accept that marriage is over and start the process of divorce. That does not mean that you leave the home, it means you consult with a pitbull divorce lawyer or two or five.

 

You cannot keep ignoring reality and at this point, you don't know what she is plotting behind your back while you are living with your head in the sand pleading for a hug from your wife. Come on. I know it's tough, but you can't fix this when she is checked out and has been for ages and isn't getting better. Marriage is a two way street.

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I have two questions for you-

 

1. Have you had any intimacy since June?

 

2. Has she reconsidered going to marriage counseling with you?

 

I think the answer to both of these will say a lot. Sexless marriages only work if BOTH parties are fine with it. At this point, you have given her a LOT of time and space- 3 months without sex is a lot for a married couple that are both still healthy and able. At this point, I'd say a LOT pivots on if she's willing to go to counseling with you or not. IMVHO, there is a strong chance that she is having an affair. If it were JUST the dream alone, I'd say "it's just a dream, don't worry"- but the fact that she hasn't wanted any intimacy with you in MONTHS AND is calling someone else's name? To me, that's a red flag. If she isn't interested in marital counseling to fix this issue, then - IMO- it's almost a guarantee that she's having an affair.

 

You cannot live in a marriage indefinitely without sex unless BOTH parties are in agreement. Otherwise, it's a pressure cooker just WAITING to explode. You cannot be expected to live like a monk if she has NO intention of even TRYING to work on this with you or reach a compromise in which you can BOTH be happy. IMO, you have given her enough time and space and now you need ANSWERS! You need to sit down and have a frank conversation- Is she interested in working on this with you or are your needs and desires no longer compatible. If she has decided she just doesn't want to have sex with you anymore- then she needs to let you figure out if you are okay with that or if you should get divorced so you can be free to find someone who is more compatible with you.

 

While sex isn't everything- it IS an important ingredient to a healthy marriage. If you are expected to be a monogamous couple, then she owes it to you to tell you the truth. Withholding sex without discussion or effort to change (therapy) is not in ANY way healthy. You tried giving her time and have been patient, but now it's becoming unreasonable- unless she agrees to counseling to work thru it with you. But for her to just sit there and say, " Who knows when I may or may not be ready" is not fair, kind, loving or respectful to you. She has a choice to make- Therapy or divorce. The end.

 

Things as are they are now will not last. Without this discussion- one or both of you will eventually reach a breaking point. Best to figure it out NOW before it reaches that point.

 

Unfortunately the answer is no to both questions.

 

I have been to counselling twice myself now but she has no desire to attend and again unfortunately I’m still being told by her that she doesn’t know why she feels this way.

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It was a very clear it was another mans name and from what was going on while she was sleeping it was definitely erotic hence the reason I was feeling so awkward about it when I was woken by it.

 

I wish I was reading to much into it as this was my initial thoughts at first but last night was very clear what she was dreaming about.

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Going back through your threads....you keep focusing on intimacy while your wife is telling you to your face that she feels nothing for you, is over the marriage, had asked you to leave and obliterated any trace of you in your own home in seconds, refuses to so much as touch you (not even talking sex, just basic humanity here), is guarding her phone better than the CIA guards their secret documents and is constantly on said phone and panics if she left it unattended....... Dude....I'm sorry but you've got to stop living in denial and face the music and start looking and I mean look at what your wife is really doing and with who. If you don't want that, then accept that marriage is over and start the process of divorce. That does not mean that you leave the home, it means you consult with a pitbull divorce lawyer or two or five.

 

You cannot keep ignoring reality and at this point, you don't know what she is plotting behind your back while you are living with your head in the sand pleading for a hug from your wife. Come on. I know it's tough, but you can't fix this when she is checked out and has been for ages and isn't getting better. Marriage is a two way street.

 

I did come to the decision myself a while back this was all over but it’s hard to accept when my wife is telling me this is not how she feels. I am being told she is happy in the marriage but she doesn’t want intimacy of any kind and is unable to give me an acceptable/any reason to why she feels like this.

 

I know in my head what the reality feels like but my wife is throwing me a curveball by telling me she is happy but only if it’s a sexless marriage.

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On my last visit to the councillor I told they the FULL story.

 

They also mentioned I should try get my wife to attend either with me or on her own but she declined both.

 

Anyway I was advised that what my wife is doing is one way in our marriage and that she does no the reason for her feeling like this but isn’t willing to share this with me.

I mentioned what my wife said about giving it time and to that I was told if I wish to do this then I should enjoy my time with her as much as I can as towards the end if that comes I will feel better in myself for doing this and not letting things get bitter between us.

I was also advised to start looking into another form of housing and Sorting out my financial affairs so it doesn’t hit me so hard if we do separate. I have started doing both.

The councillor was very nice but very blunt with me as they feel I might be getting taken down a very dangerous road by my wife and we both don’t know it. But they also said my wife has probably already got in her game plan working in the background.

 

When I came out I felt they were very harsh on my wife being they have never met or spoken to her but on the drive home I realised perhaps they were telling me what I needed to hear.

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I did come to the decision myself a while back this was all over but it’s hard to accept when my wife is telling me this is not how she feels. I am being told she is happy in the marriage but she doesn’t want intimacy of any kind and is unable to give me an acceptable/any reason to why she feels like this.

 

I know in my head what the reality feels like but my wife is throwing me a curveball by telling me she is happy but only if it’s a sexless marriage.

 

Well....I know this is incredibly confusing for you because.....she means for you to stay confused and off balance. It's not a curveball, it's gaslighting.....and there is a difference. She is basically telling you that she wants to continue to enjoy all the material benefits that being married to you provides, but she no longer wants to be your wife in any other sense of the word. Sorry, but it doesn't work that way and she can't have this both ways because there is another, much more blunt term for it - user.

 

She doesn't want to go to counseling because she doesn't care. She doesn't want to talk to you or tell you what her issues are because she doesn't care. Again, sorry to be blunt because it's painful and difficult to wrap your mind around the idea that the person you love and care about simply doesn't care about you anymore. Unfortunately, that's where you are currently at.

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On my last visit to the councillor I told they the FULL story.

 

They also mentioned I should try get my wife to attend either with me or on her own but she declined both.

 

Anyway I was advised that what my wife is doing is one way in our marriage and that she does no the reason for her feeling like this but isn’t willing to share this with me.

I mentioned what my wife said about giving it time and to that I was told if I wish to do this then I should enjoy my time with her as much as I can as towards the end if that comes I will feel better in myself for doing this and not letting things get bitter between us.

I was also advised to start looking into another form of housing and Sorting out my financial affairs so it doesn’t hit me so hard if we do separate. I have started doing both.

The councillor was very nice but very blunt with me as they feel I might be getting taken down a very dangerous road by my wife and we both don’t know it. But they also said my wife has probably already got in her game plan working in the background.

 

When I came out I felt they were very harsh on my wife being they have never met or spoken to her but on the drive home I realised perhaps they were telling me what I needed to hear.

 

Sadly I agree with the counselor that she likely is already working out an exit plan. She has certainly exited emotionally and doesn't seem at all interested in returning. Look at her actions, not her words. IF she wanted to work on her marriage, she'd be going to counseling with you or solo.....but you are doing all the work while she is telling you she doesn't even want to give you a hug...... I'm sorry but.....

 

That said, your counselor is overstepping some professional boundaries and giving you some really really bad and dangerous legal advice. Do NOT look for another place and do not even dare move out. These actions have very serious legal and financial consequences for you depending where you live. Please please please have a few consultations with different divorce attorneys in your area, good ones, top notch ones, ones that tend to represent men in particular and learn and educate yourself about what you should and shouldn't be doing. Look, you don't need to file for divorce, but you do need to educate yourself just in case. Cover your rear so to speak and remember that knowledge is power. Heck, it might even give you some confidence in that you no longer beg for her attention and go a bit cold. Who knows.....it might jolt her a bit and make her rethink her actions.

 

The way things are now, there is a massive imbalance in your relationship where you are begging desperately for any crumb of affection, going to counseling, trying to save your marriage, meanwhile she is taking you for granted and basically telling you that she'll be happy to use you to put a roof over her head, but will not engage in marriage outside of that. How "nice"of her. Maybe it's time for you to arm yourself with some knowledge and call her bs out....and check your phone records......although if she is skilled, it might take a lot more than that for you find the truth behind her lack of affection....although looking from the outside in, what's going on is rather painfully obvious.

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Unfortunately the answer is no to both questions.

 

I have been to counselling twice myself now but she has no desire to attend and again unfortunately I’m still being told by her that she doesn’t know why she feels this way.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, I think your marriage has run its course. It's one thing to go thru a rough patch, but the other person has to WANT to change and to SEEK it, since she is doing neither- she has no desire to change at all. Even if she truly doesn't know WHY she feels this way, she should WANT to seek answers or at least care about you and your feelings, like even a LITTLE bit.

 

So- Do you want to live in a loveless (I won't say sexless because it's LOVELESS- refusing to kiss or even TOUCH you is loveless- there are couple that have stopped having sex that still give displays of affection) marriage for the rest of your life OR get divorced and be free to find someone who will actually be a WIFE to you. Let's be real- this woman is now only your wife on paper and all she is doing at this point is using you.

 

At this point I would advise you to start making a plan. Do not move out. Just find a good lawyer. Do NOT consent to an open marriage- she would likely just use this against you during divorce proceedings. I'm so sorry you are going thru this. Best of luck to you.

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Sadly I agree with the counselor that she likely is already working out an exit plan. She has certainly exited emotionally and doesn't seem at all interested in returning. Look at her actions, not her words. IF she wanted to work on her marriage, she'd be going to counseling with you or solo.....but you are doing all the work while she is telling you she doesn't even want to give you a hug...... I'm sorry but.....

 

That said, your counselor is overstepping some professional boundaries and giving you some really really bad and dangerous legal advice. Do NOT look for another place and do not even dare move out. These actions have very serious legal and financial consequences for you depending where you live. Please please please have a few consultations with different divorce attorneys in your area, good ones, top notch ones, ones that tend to represent men in particular and learn and educate yourself about what you should and shouldn't be doing. Look, you don't need to file for divorce, but you do need to educate yourself just in case. Cover your rear so to speak and remember that knowledge is power. Heck, it might even give you some confidence in that you no longer beg for her attention and go a bit cold. Who knows.....it might jolt her a bit and make her rethink her actions.

 

The way things are now, there is a massive imbalance in your relationship where you are begging desperately for any crumb of affection, going to counseling, trying to save your marriage, meanwhile she is taking you for granted and basically telling you that she'll be happy to use you to put a roof over her head, but will not engage in marriage outside of that. How "nice"of her. Maybe it's time for you to arm yourself with some knowledge and call her bs out....and check your phone records......although if she is skilled, it might take a lot more than that for you find the truth behind her lack of affection....although looking from the outside in, what's going on is rather painfully obvious.

 

I do admit for a while now I feel like I’m desperate for any crumb of affection but unfortunately crumbs are few and far between also. I am just trying to do my best in doing the right thing or at least in my head it feels like that’s what I’m doing.

I also know deep down what’s happening From my wife’s point of view and I think I can see what she’s doing to me and out marriage but I’m scared I give up before I should if that makes sense to you.

 

The councillor mentioned I should maybe start looking for somewhere to stay mainly because of our daughter. They weren’t giving me legal advice knowing if my wife was to move out I think in all honesty my daughter would want to go with my wife so I would be taking my daughters roof over her head and putting her in an unfamiliar home. I don’t want to loose my home obviously as I have done so much to it myself with my own hands and it’s also full of great memories but I can’t bring my daughter into this no matter what.

I have taken some advice on my home some weeks ago and here in the UK it seems that if my wife or myself for that matter can’t afford to keep the home then the bank will demand it to be sold as they won’t allow either to keep it if it’s unaffordable.

I can afford to keep it but my wife can’t , I’m sure her family would help her for a period but not the full mortgage term.

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I'm so sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, I think your marriage has run its course. It's one thing to go thru a rough patch, but the other person has to WANT to change and to SEEK it, since she is doing neither- she has no desire to change at all. Even if she truly doesn't know WHY she feels this way, she should WANT to seek answers or at least care about you and your feelings, like even a LITTLE bit.

 

So- Do you want to live in a loveless (I won't say sexless because it's LOVELESS- refusing to kiss or even TOUCH you is loveless- there are couple that have stopped having sex that still give displays of affection) marriage for the rest of your life OR get divorced and be free to find someone who will actually be a WIFE to you. Let's be real- this woman is now only your wife on paper and all she is doing at this point is using you.

 

At this point I would advise you to start making a plan. Do not move out. Just find a good lawyer. Do NOT consent to an open marriage- she would likely just use this against you during divorce proceedings. I'm so sorry you are going thru this. Best of luck to you.

 

Thank you.

 

Loveless is a better term I suppose because you are correct in what you say, there is nothing loving between us now. She does say she still loves me but I think she has the wrong idea of love for me.

I hate to admit it but I’m now scared to go near her at all now which I know myself isn’t right. I’m saddened I feel this way as I hate I’ve turned into this but it’s what she asked of me and I feel my emotions have now been wiped over by her asking of me. Truly rips my heart out that I can’t be with her in a loving way as we always enjoyed a cuddle on the sofa now and again or a cuddle in the morning before we got out of bed. It’s unbelievable how much I just want her to do that simple thing.

 

Funny you mentioned the open marriage as she did say she wouldn’t mind if I done this but for one, I could never ever do that to her and two, I know that would be the final nail in the coffin if I did and there would be absolutely no coming back from this. I was flabbergasted that she even said that to me.

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