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My girlfriend and I have been going out for about a year and a half. Lately she has been giving me cold shoulder. She takes a while to respond to my texts or if she does, it’s just a word or two response, she goes out with her friends but when I ask if she wants go out she says shes fasting, dieting, or no.

 

Her company is laying off her department. She had a phone interview today and she tells me this now. I get a bit frustrated and asked why she didn’t tell me about her interview before. She responds with, she didn’t want any pressure if the interview went bad so she didn’t want to tell me.

 

I feel like she doesn’t respect me anymore and it’s making me insecure about myself and questioning if I’m making things worse.

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I'm not sure... maybe you're a little pushy? I'm not sure why she has to tell you about her phone interview. It's just a phone interview and she might not even be sure it's a position she's ultimately interested in. Do you know if she is?

 

I'd relax a bit more and let her come to you. Don't get up in her business or insist she report to you about her job situation. Touch base every now and then. Do you live together or are things very serious between you two?

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I don't know why her behavior makes you doubt yourself. You aren't causing her behavior. Even if she is pulling away, it's because something in her changed.

 

Taking a while to respond to texts is not terrible. Not everybody is glued to their phone, especially at work.

 

She's probably in a dark place right now, not sure if she's about to lose her job. It would be better if she relied on you but she's scared. Be supportive.

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We are in a serious relationship. We’re both 29. Im not looking for her to report back to me about everything. I give her privacy. I just found it a bit weird she didn’t tell me about an interview she was going to have beforehand.

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Do you think you'd have found it weird if you weren't already a bit edgy from a shift in her demeanor?

 

I get the sense that you're kind of looking for a way to talk to her about feeling like things are off, but maybe instead of just saying that in a calm, direct way that is loving and supportive you used the interview as an "in" without actually bringing up what's really bothering you.

 

We can't tell you if she's having a sudden change in feelings, if she's just a bit stressed, and so on. Only she can do that. But better to communicate directly, and openly, than to find proxies as the confusion and potential resentment quietly builds. Approaching things sideways tends to just make everything go more sideways, you know?

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Yes, please be more direct.

 

I have chosen not to say anything about any interviews to anyone I know in the past. It's for any number of reasons and treat it as a series of negotiations that have no bearing yet as they have not come about.

 

She doesn't need your input either or interview help unless she's asked for it in the past. This is her business so give her some room there. I understand you're put off and unsure about your role in the serious relationship. Don't nitpick on this. It'll backfire.

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I think the fact she didn't tell you about the interview is just a symptom of a problem you see developing in the relationship and not the actual problem.

 

Op: Do You feel she is pulling away, losing interest in you in general and that not telling you something important like a job interview is just cementing that feeling in you?

 

Have you talked to her about how you are feeling?

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She takes a while to respond to my texts or if she does, it’s just a word or two response...

...I feel like she doesn’t respect me anymore and it’s making me insecure about myself and questioning if I’m making things worse.

 

After she dumps you for being so needy you'll wish you were getting any response from her at all, ever, to texts or anything else. You should pay more attention to your own self-respect and her respect will follow. She can't make you feel insecure about yourself; only you can do that. Back up and take a good look at yourself if you want to continue to have this person in your life.

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I don't think it's needy for wondering why her text communication has diminished/shortened from what it's been until recently. I too would wonder why someone I'd been in a serious relationship with for 18 months wouldn't share with me the good news that they'd secured a telephone interview (although her reason for waiting is plausible).

 

She's making excuses not to go places together, though, and when you add that to the other things that aren't sitting right with you, it sounds like she's withdrawing from the relationship without actually being bold enough to call it a day.

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There are several possibilities of what is occuring and here are two main ones:

 

1.) You have mentioned that her company is laying her off the department. She is possibly just really stressed at the current moment and doesn't feel like saying much yet. Also, it's likely she didn't want to let you know about the interview because she meant what she said about feeing pressured about being possibly not getting the job. To tie everything up, she's just going through a rough time and just needs some time to not feel as overwhelmed.

 

2.) It is likely that she has or is losing interest. And it's possible that it's nothing you have done, it's just how she feels. She may seem distant because she feels overwhelmed. Why would she choose to go out with friends instead of you? That is a slight red flag there. My tip to you is to really talk to her, just be direct. Tell her that you realized what has been going on lately with the job situation, but you have also noticed that she seems more distant. Ask her if it's due to her feelings towards you or if it's just the stress from the stuff that's been going on with her job.

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How long has she been retreating from you, OP, and how long have you been dating?

 

To echo the others, her not telling you about the phone interview is not necessarily a problem in and of itself. But taken together with her apparent distance with you, I can see why you're worried it's a symptom of a bigger issue.

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Sorry to hear this. It's not about respect it's about drifting apart. You are losing your connection. What is the reason for that? Do you tend to be clingy or controlling or harp on her text response times or that she goes out with her friends?

 

Just pull back and reflect.

Lately she has been giving me cold shoulder. I feel like she doesn’t respect me anymore
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Just like in a friendship, in a romantic relationship, put in an equal effort of what you're getting, and no more, and if it's not satisfying to you, it's perhaps time to end things.

 

After you asked her on a date, when she said no, the ball was in her court to ask you to do something. If she doesn't, her non-action makes things very clear. If you're the first to text her daily, hold back on particular days and let her be the first to text you. If she goes an entire day without wanting to speak to a person she's been dating a whole year and a half, then yes, the relationship is regressing--not a good sign.

 

The next time you're together, why not have a discussion? I'd ask in a mellow tone while holding her hand, "Is there anything you'd like changed in the relationship? Something you'd like me to do or not to do?" Then just listen. Maybe you'll get a clue on why she's pulling away from your company.

 

Do you have a life besides her with hobbies/interests and spending time with guy friends? Just making sure she doesn't feel smothered if she's the center of your universe for your social activities. Let us know how it goes.

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Man, what you're experiencing has been rinsed and repeated so much that it's listed in the dictionary under "beating a dead horse". Don't worry, I was young and naive once too. You're doing the right thing for questioning all this.

99.999% she is done with you, she just don't have the decency to tell you; and it's so much more fun to mess with your head and keep you hanging on then just tell you outright.

She's spending time with her friends, but she can't find 5 minutes to communicate with you beyond a few words over text. That seals the deal, anything else is just making meatballs.

Do the right thing, drop her and move on as quickly as possible. She already dropped you, you just didn't get the proverbial memo yet.

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Back off. Let her take care of her job situation first. Once she's settled with her new job, then she'll have more brain space for you. Respect her priorities.

 

If you're not willing to remain patient, then break it off with her and be with a woman who has less troubles and more available for a relationship with you.

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