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Planning but scared.


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Well, I’m a 25 year old female, who is ready but not ready to get pregnant. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years now & has been asking for a baby for about 2 years now. I loveeeeee kids, I grew up taking care of kids (moms was a foster mother). In the other hand I’m SCARED that it’s going to be too hard for me. I’m scared I won’t do so good. I just have that fear that I’ll fail. Idk I just need someone to talk to

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What does "ready but not ready" mean? A phrase like that, at least to my ears and eyes, just means "not ready." Which, at 25, is more than okay. Which, for that matter, is more than okay at any time in your life. You should start a family when you are ready ready, when that leap, while scary, feels like the right one to make and not the one you feel you "should" make or one you're making to appease someone else.

 

I get that your boyfriend wants a baby. But that is what he wants. Doesn't have to be what you want. To do that together means wanting it together.

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Watch daytime TV one day, especially Maury.

 

You’d be amazed how many women say, ‘he begged me to have this baby!’

 

You don’t have a baby because someone’s pressuring you to.

 

You don’t commit to a lifetime responsibility before you’re ready.

 

And I’m sorry again elephant in the room, he can create a life with you before any legal commitment?

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Ok, start with a relationship checkup. Do You want a child right now? Are you doing this to please or keep him? How is the relationship with extended family? Do you agree on money, child care, how to raise kids, extended family? How do you resolve conflict? How is your sex life, etc?

 

Also where and how do you live? Do you rent? Own? Is it big enough? Do you both have cars? Jobs? Debt? Savings? Can you afford childcare?

 

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years now & has been asking for a baby for about 2 years now.
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Are there any plans to marry your boyfriend of six years? If the two of you can't make a commitment like that, it's not a good idea to bring a baby into the relationship, especially given your indecision about it.

 

Yess there are plans on marrying each other

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Given your age and assuming there is no emergency reason to get pregnant right now I would get married first, then be married for at least a year before trying. Make sure your finances are in order, talk about who will be the main caregiver and/or what the caregiver arrangements would be. Get in tip top shape - and consider whether he smokes/drinks for example and other habits that might not be in the best interests of a baby.

 

Everyone finds the prospect of motherhood daunting. I did too and I was almost 41 when we started trying. I'd wanted a baby for many years and knew that for one reason or another having one would not be in the best interests of the baby.

 

Here is what helped me decrease my concerns and focus on being the best parent I could be:

 

My boyfriend/future husband was someone I knew would make a good father despite having almost no experience with young children and he wanted to be a parent as much as I did!.

I had a lot of experience with babies and young children over the years.

We both were more than financially stable.

Our relationship was happy and stable and committed.

We were more than financially stable so that as I put it we could "throw money at the problem" (by that I mean - spend money for purposes of convenience, time, more sleep, whatever while I was pregnant and after the baby came).

We agreed on how the childcare arrangements would work.

I knew I was ok making the sacrifices one makes as a parent. More than ok.

I knew I wouldn't be a perfect mother and I knew I wanted to be the best I could be.

We were both in really good physical and mental health.

 

With all that there were plenty of challenges and near crises but we made it through. I did start trying to get pregnant before we got married because of our ages. I'd known my future husband for many years.

I wish you all the best. I am concerned that your boyfriend is pressuring you for two years and yet you're not married - something sounds a bit off. Perhaps that is contributing to your concerns and anxiety.

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Can you share more about why you are scared it might be too much for you? What specifically are you worried about?

Don't feel bad at all about being scared! It's much better to be honest with yourself than to just plow ahead and hope for the best. There are a lot of valid reasons for anyone to be scared when thinking of trying for a pregnancy, but some are out of our control while others are not.

Practical things - that you can control and I'd like to hear more about your situation and what parts you are most worried about.

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So who would stay home to take care of the baby? Do you both have family that would help out when you worked? Who will pay for the hospital and doctor bills, diapers, formula, clothes, daycare, toys, etc? If you are to stay home, will he be able to cover all the bills on one salary? Why not get married before, so you can put your health insurance together? Then enjoy the married life for a few years, then reconsider a timeline for kids.

 

Who will do the nighttime feedings and will he be a very hands-on dad? Where would you both live? Having a baby is a 24/7 committment. If he can't give you solid and acceptable answers on any of these qyestions, keep your baby making factory closed.

 

My neighbor back in college had 17 kids by 12 different woman, and they were all looking for him for child support he never paid.

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Yess there are plans on marrying each other

 

Focus on those plans then.

 

Dont you think you’re worth doing things in order?

 

That’s not to say marriage magically changes everything, what I mean is far too often in today’s society having a child isn’t recognized for what it truly is. Many men and women have children as a means to control the relationship, to ‘keep’ their partner or make them ‘damaged’ goods so there’s less risk of losing you... do you want to be his ‘baby mana’ or do you want to build a family. There is a difference.

 

You can undo many decisions on life, most even, you can’t undo a child.

 

Do not do this to ‘make him happy’

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Scared and unsure can stand for a lot of things. It might be because deep down that little voice is telling you that this is not your life partner even if you can't admit this out loud. It could be that right now, you do not feel safe and secure either in life or in this relationship, so it's not the right time to have a child. Again your gut is speaking to you. Maybe you want to do/pursue other things in life first before you become a mother. Having a child is not just a want, it's a huge life long responsibility for YOU, OP, that will change your life forever. If you weren't scared...it would make you abnormal. There is a lot to think about and a lot to consider.

 

There are also simple pragmatic things as many posters already brought up - marriage first, secure home, money, support system in terms of family and friends. There is no reason on earth for you to put the cart before the horse and end up a baby momma.

 

Take a step back from the pressure and what he wants and ask yourself - what do you want? What kind of life do you envision? Figuring that out will bring about clarity on where you are really at and what you really want.

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Tell your BF to back off about the baby. You will be ready when you feel you are ready. If you feel there is more life to live before settling down, then just admit it. Never have a baby because you "should" have a baby. You have one because you want to.

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Hey, my fiance and I had been trying for 18 months by the time we fell pregnant, found out days after agreeing to stop trying so I could get medication for nerve pain. I was and am still scared of how things will play out. But I know I've got the best person by my side to love, protect and teach our little bundle of joy.

 

Just talk through your concerns with your FH and your health professionals. It's normal to wonder if you'll be a good mum or if you can do it.

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Yess there are plans on marrying each other

 

As in you have a ring and there is a date?

I thought not.

 

No trying for a baby unless you are married.

He has to marry you to have that.

Don't be a baby momma, where you get pregnant and then he conveniently gets cold feet about marrying you.

Be able to show your child your wedding photo without them in it -- and without you pregnant in them

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So who would stay home to take care of the baby? Do you both have family that would help out when you worked?

My husband and I both work full-time. None of us can afford to be stay-at-home parents. Out families are either out of state or overseas, so we have to find our own childcare. Our daughter is in daycare and it’s been great for her to socialize, build motor skills, and be mentally/ physically stimulated. It’s completely doable to be a parent without the support of families. She’s been going there since 5 weeks as I had to return to work at 4 weeks due to a family emergency. I have yet to experience any problems as I have personally surveyed daycares EARLY and put myself on waitlists the moment I found out I was pregnant.

 

Speaking of which....

 

OP if you are thinking about kids, you MAY have to sacrifice your career. It is dependent on your situation, but it is something to prepare for. Are you willing to give up your career if your child requires at-home care? I work in mental health and have my client’s parents had to give you their jobs for their child’s special needs- completely go out of work or have to take up a part-time job. Also, do you have enough leave saved up in case you have pregnancy complications or need extended maternity leave? That was a battle I had to fight with Hypermesis (extreme “morning sickness”). I had to be out of work for a month and a half because I was vomiting 8-10 times a day. I also later paid for the outcome when I had my dental visit and had to get two root canals because the stomach acids rotted my teeth.

 

 

IMHO, 25 is still young to have a kid. Most people who are 25 recently got out of college or haven’t built enough financial stability to support a child.

 

Seriously, don’t put the horse before the cart. Focus on getting married and having FUN while being married without kids. I didn’t get married until 10 years of dating, and then took another 4 years of our marriage to be “irresponsible.” Completely worth it. Go on trips, get into a time consuming hobby before bearing the responsibly or raising a kid. You should not be in ANY rush to have a kid. You need to get settled first.

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