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I’ve been in many weird financial situations with my dad over the years, and I need an outside opinion.

 

Just to start, I met my dad when I was 10 years old because he said I wasn’t his child, and claimed my mom was sleeping with other people while pregnant (they were only FWB, nothing serious just hooking up). My mom was also drinking and using drugs while pregnant with me, I was born kinda messed up and wasn’t expected to survive or function normally, so he figured it was best to walk away. He was also married with two kids in another country, and had recently gotten another woman pregnant down the street from my mom’s house. Around that time he was also married to a woman in Ohio for citizenship, but fortunately did not get her pregnant.

 

My mom eventually passed away when I was 14, and I went to live with my dad. He was adamant that I go to college, and told me he planned to refinance our house to pay for it. I went to college at 17, and when we got to the financial aid office, he had me take out student loans that he co-signed for. By the time I was 19, my dad decided I loved my grandma more than him and he shouldn’t be responsible for my education. He suddenly told me he didn’t want me at his house anymore, took my house keys, cell phone, and reported fraud to Sallie Mae on the most recent installment of student loans he co-signed for. That set off an identity theft investigation for my school funding, and my financial aid office notified me that if I didn’t pay all past loans or find a co-signer, I’d have to stop college. My grandma co-signed for me, and I finished undergrad. I didn’t speak to my father for 7 years after this incident.

 

Flash forward to 25, I was in a terribly physically abusive relationship with my older sister’s best guy friend in another state, and my sisters on my dad’s side were laughing about how stupid I was while telling him out of something like concern. I texted my younger sister a picture of my bruised and swollen face, and she showed my dad. We ended up reconnecting, and he and my grandmother helped me get back home. Soon after he had a major falling out with my younger and older brother and sister (they never got along anyhow), and I was the only child left who would talk to him. He started being nice to me and brought me a new car when mine broke down (to spite my sisters and buy my love). I needed and appreciated the car, and he offered for me to live with him since I had been sleeping on the couch at my grandma’s apartment.

 

Flash forward to this year, I was able to completely change my life, career and financial situation and I’m doing very well. I am still my father’s only option as I’m the only child who will speak to him, and he can’t maintain romantic relationships. I traded in the car he brought me when I was 25, and got a 2017 VW. He has horrible credit and will be retiring soon and needed a car. Since I work from home and rarely drive, we decided that I would lease a nice SUV since it snows where we live, and he would take over the payments for the Volkswagen and register it in his name. He kept pressing and asking me when I was getting the truck and started making remarks like, “You’re all talk. You’ve been saying you were getting a truck since forever, but you’re not going to do anything. Yea, big talk but can’t walk the walk”, stuff like that.

 

I finally got a new truck and gave him the keys to the VW this year, the day after I picked up the truck he told me he lost his job. He suggested keeping the car registered and insured in my name while he pays the insurance and taxes until he finds a new job. He found a new job a few months ago, and did not make the switch. Shortly after he crashed the car and got it repaired through my insurance. He said my insurance isn’t going to go up because he’s going to get his own very soon (makes no sense since he already crashed it in my name). Last week he told me he lost his new job.

 

Car taxes are charged twice each year in my state. The VW tax bill was around $500, and I paid the first half ($250) myself earlier this year. My dad knew taxes would be due soon, and was nagging me about paying the bill, and mentioned he paid his half. I’ve been very distracted lately, in a weird mental place and not paying attention as much as I should. I paid the second half of the bill entirely over the weekend ($250) thinking my dad paid his half already. When I saw my dad he was asking if I paid the tax bill, I told him I did. He asked how much he owed me, then stopped himself and said he didn’t owe me anything. He jokingly said I was being a criminal and trying to rip him off cause I drove the car for the first two months of the year and it was my responsibility. Again, I was in LaLa Land, and this somehow made sense to me so I didn’t question it.

 

My dad is worried about running out of money in retirement, and can only afford to retire back in his country. He owns a house in the US that he promised to use to pay for my older sister’s and later my college education, but did not pay for either. He instead took out a huge loan against it and invested in rental property that was built on a bad foundation. He poured tens of thousands into repairs for the property, but could not maintain it. The property was eventually demolished and he lost everything. The amount of money he owes on his house is far more than its worth, and he can’t afford to take the loss of selling it being so close to retirement.

 

He wants to put the house into my name when he leaves the country, and rent it out. He wants to finish the basement, leaving a room for himself so he won’t have to pay for hotel when he comes to the US for doctors appointments every 6 months. He also told me I have too much disposable income, and talked me into investing nearly 50% of my income into my 401k cause the company I work for makes unbelievable contributions. That way I can take out a loan against my 401k to buy another rental property, and he can be my property manager for both houses while in retirement.

 

Putting so much money into my 401k left me unable to pay some of my bills, and I depleted my personal liquid savings. My dad was pressuring me to leave the contribution at 50% claiming that’s how much he saves, and I’m just bad at managing my money. He said I’ll never get ahead, and he saw dumb girls who didn’t save at his job, and men would only use them for sex. Every pay period he’d ask about my 401k statement, and how much I had in there. It came to a breaking point when I had no more money in my savings account and my internet was about to get cut off. I changed the contribution and I’m still catching up on bills.

 

Years before I met my father, my mother used to tell me he was stingy and a liar. He only seriously dates women who can provide for him financially (but cheats anyhow). He’s currently looking for a woman with a pension, and state insurance benefits that are free after retirement for her and anybody she marries after. Most schoolteachers and state employees have this benefit. He’d also like her to have a house they can sell or rent out so he has enough to live in the US for 6 months out of the year.

 

He found a woman who met that criteria a few years ago, she even put him on her credit card account so he could have a card too. She sold her apartment in NYC to live with him, and all he did was cheat behind her back. When I asked him why he’d jeopardize her wellbeing that way, he said integrity is nonsense to him. Life is about what makes HIM happy and what gets HIM ahead. If a woman decides to sacrifice her life and finances for him, that was her decision and she needs to live with the consequences. He never put a gun to her head or forced her to invest in him, so it’s not his problem. The second this woman left the house, he had his rotation of FWBs come over and didn’t care. The woman eventually left and moved into her ex husbands apartment with her 17 year old daughter. My dad is currently looking for a replacement.

 

Many other things happened that would take up too much time to tell you about, but I’m starting to wonder what I should do about my father being involved in my finances. I just want an outside opinion.

Edited by Badlover
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How old are you?

Your Dad helped you, he disappointed you. In turn you tried to help him, it went badly and now it's time to walk.

 

If he can't afford to take of himself, that's on him and the consequences of his life choices. He is not your defendant. He plays some sick emotional black mail head game with you. Your mom warned you and her assessment sounds pretty spot on.

 

A parent's responsibility is to a raise a child to be self sufficiency and independent. If by chance there was a healthy dynamic here and you were in a position to help him and he not only appreciated it, but respected it, that would be another story. But he neither respects you or appreciates the things you do for him.

 

It's time to stop the toxic dance with Dad and leave him to figure out who his next victim is.

And it's time you accept who he is and stop enabling his really bad behavior.

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How old are you?

Your Dad helped you, he disappointed you. In turn you tried to help him, it went badly and now it's time to walk.

 

If he can't afford to take of himself, that's on him and the consequences of his life choices. He is not your defendant. He plays some sick emotional black mail head game with you. Your mom warned you and her assessment sounds pretty spot on.

 

A parent's responsibility is to a raise a child to be self sufficiency and independent. If by chance there was a healthy dynamic here and you were in a position to help him and he not only appreciated it, but respected it, that would be another story. But he neither respects you or appreciates the things you do for him.

 

It's time to stop the toxic dance with Dad and leave him to figure out who his next victim is.

And it's time you accept who he is and stop enabling his really bad behavior.

 

I’m 30 now.

 

I regret getting into this car with him, I’m on the hook for both cars with higher insurance due to his accident on my record. I feel like paying off the VW when my bonus comes in February, but I’m not sure if I should let him continue to drive it. I honestly would have traded the VW for the one I have now if he didn’t make that agreement with me. I feel stuck.

Edited by Badlover
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No. You do not allow him to continue to drive it. You need to cut your association with this man completely!

 

I have thought about doing this many times for different reasons. The reality is that I hardly have anybody. My mom is dead, my grandma is in her 80’s with poor health, I have no relationships with my father’s children (as a result of my birth “ruining” their parent’s marriage and me being the “favorite child”), and my only sister on my mom’s side is terribly irresponsible and not trustworthy. She abandoned her baby with her boyfriend’s family at birth, and hasn’t contacted them in years. She also has no job, car or education and is always begging me for money.

 

When I’m required to leave an emergency contact at doctor’s offices and work, my father is the only name I can think of. If I cut him out, I’d have to awkwardly use a friend or make up a fake one. I don’t have aunts or uncles, and I have a poor reputation in my mother’s family after getting two close family friends arrested for abusing me when I was 12 or 13. My father’s family lives outside of the US.

 

I haven’t been able to find a boyfriend since that abusive relationship I mentioned when I was 25. Every man I’ve dated since has left me after sex, and I can’t see that changing anytime soon. I have nobody, and it’s highly unlikely that anyone is coming into my life to be there for me. Without him, I literally have nobody.

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I have thought about doing this many times for different reasons. The reality is that I hardly have anybody. My mom is dead, my grandma is in her 80’s with poor health, I have no relationships with my father’s children (as a result of my birth “ruining” their parent’s marriage and me being the “favorite child”), and my only sister on my mom’s side is terribly irresponsible and not trustworthy. She abandoned her baby with her boyfriend’s family at birth, and hasn’t contacted them in years. She also has no job, car or education and is always begging me for money.

 

When I’m required to leave an emergency contact at doctor’s offices and work, my father is the only name I can think of. If I cut him out, I’d have to awkwardly use a friend or make up a fake one. I don’t have aunts or uncles, and I have a poor reputation in my mother’s family after getting two close family friends arrested for abusing me when I was 12 or 13. My father’s family lives outside of the US.

 

I haven’t been able to find a boyfriend since that abusive relationship I mentioned when I was 25. Every man I’ve dated since has left me after sex, and I can’t see that changing anytime soon. I have nobody, and it’s highly unlikely that anyone is coming into my life to be there for me. Without him, I literally have nobody.

 

Do you have any close friends?

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Serious question:

 

What do your life coach and therapist say?

 

My life coaches quit me last month after another guy left me after sex. They said they didn’t think they could help me, and I could tell they were annoyed and frustrated that I keep ending up in these situations.

 

I started working with a clinical psychologist, and she has been helping me with feeling bad about the situation that just happened, and I haven’t mentioned this to her yet. I plan to tell her during our next appointment. I have told her a little about my dad, and she thinks he’s a sociopath.

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Do you have any close friends?

 

I have my best friend, but she’s a single mother and struggling with her mom’s cancer. I could use her as a contact, but she likely wouldn’t be able to help me. I have lots of other friends, but we just party and vacation together. It would be inappropriate and down-right weird to use them.

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My life coaches quit me last month after another guy left me after sex. They said they didn’t think they could help me, and I could tell they were annoyed and frustrated that I keep ending up in these situations.

 

I started working with a clinical psychologist, and she has been helping me with feeling bad about the situation that just happened, and I haven’t mentioned this to her yet. I plan to tell her during our next appointment. I have told her a little about my dad, and she thinks he’s a sociopath.

 

Another serious statement, given what you’ve said, why do you feel you need even more validation?

 

A clinical psychologist gave you an opinion based on her extensive education and I’m sure much more information than what we are getting. Why do you feel the need to keep questioning what he is?

 

Let’s look at what your life coaches said, they feel you just keep repeating the same thing and that they are of no help for you, I’m assuming until you break these toxic cycles.

 

It sounds like you had a very very rough childhood, I think your healing should start there. Keep working with your psychologist, make choices that move your life forward rather than well get down in the mud with all your demons.

 

Let’s be honest that’s what you’re doing maintaining this relationship with your father, by continuing to date out of need, it’s giving your demons and unresolved issues room to flourish and deep down, I think you find comfort in that, so do what’s healthy and stop. You don’t need further advice. Your DOCTOR told you he’s a psychopath... if that wasn’t enough what are we going to do for you? See? it’s all a form of feeding these unhealthy thoughts and coping mechanisms. Sometimes you just gotta see the writing on the wall.

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If the best reason you can come up with is you have your Dads name as an emergency contact, could you possibly even trust this man to make decisions on your behalf?

It's not easy to feel like you dont have someone who has your back, but you've learned the hard way your own father would put a knife in it.

You've heard that saying that you need to close doors for new ones to open? Clear out the toxic people in your life. At 30 you have a lifetime ahead of you to build a new one.

 

Be brave and take that leap of faith.

Believe you deserve it

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I can only imagine what it is like to have not even one family member who is responsible and who you can count on to have your back growing up. It breaks my heart all you have been through.

It's not fair at all. And you've had to learn everything yourself. But look at what you have accomplished! If you could see what I see, a really strong young woman who could do anything she sets her mind to, I think you'd walk away from this and never look back. He is holding you back.

I agree with the others here who are saying build on you, work on getting out of these toxic cycles. It's the only real way.

The one person you always have is you. Make sure you are working for your own side.

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I think you need to make better friend choices. You seem to be bringing/allowing toxic people into your life.

 

It is really terrible for everything you have gone through, but I think you can turn this around and make better choices for your future.

 

I think that you should stay away from men, until you can get yourself together. Take a break from all dating for at least a year, so that you can recognize your pattern of choosing bad men.

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Honestly, i would have decided to let your dad drive the VW and own two cars rather than expect dad to take over payments. Or I would have not aided him with a car.

If he wants to put the house in your name, then its your house. you do not have to rent it out, you change the locks, and its yours.

I think the common denominator is that your dad always disappointed you and you expect him to change. He won't change. Love him for who he is - maybe that means you don't loan him money or credit. you can do something nice with no expectation like take him out to dinner every so once in awhile or buy some favorite food item for him but stop putting yourself on the line. he will stop disappointing you that way. If you have not, you should get your own studio apartment, particularly if he decides to leave the country

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I'm sorry about everything that has happened to you. Life has dealt you a truly cruel hand.

 

Forget about your father. He is beyond help. He is never going to change his selfish, pathetic and manipulative ways. He is a toxic loser poisons everyone close to him and somebody who should have been neutered like the pathetic animal that he is. Unfortunately your parents are not qualified to have children, but sadly there is no pre-requisite qualification for actually bringing new life into this world.

 

You are 30, you are still young, do not allow yourself to be defined by your horrible start in life. Treat yourself with respect and love and only give your time to others who treat you the same way. Do not settle for less, do not think that because of your past, you deserve what you get. I agree with Holly, stay single for at last a year to just take dating and romance off the table.

 

Your life is a mess, you are a mess. I say that with no intention to offend or to be mean. It is just a statement of fact, establishing a baseline from which you can work towards fixing yourself, improving yourself, being happier in yourself, before you even consider sharing your life with another man. You are not currently capable of making good judgement calls and decisions, so you should keep your life as simple as possible. Eliminate all the toxic people from your life and retain those who are positive to be around, move to a new city if that is what it takes.

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Your father is a loser and a user. He's taken advantage of you far too many times and you let him do it. Cut this guy out of your life, dont let him talk you into anything to do with money, dont help him with things, dont let him use your car. Seriously, dont have contact with him. He's made a mess out of your life for far too long.

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