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Advice on what to do, so confused...


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Hi Guys,

Hope you are all well. Came across this site whilst trawling for some advice from neutral people, not friends or family who can have a bias. Any advice would be well appreciated as I am going around in circles in my mind.

Im 36 and my girlfriend is 32, not married, no kids and have been together for 4yrs. We have lived together for 3yrs and both have good jobs and are generally normal ish I guess...We have been arguing a lot over the last 18mnths, sort of bickering, my GF can be fiery (this is probably what attracted me to her in the first place) and says hurtful things when in a temper. Im not saying im perfect by the way but when arguing I try not say nasty cutting comments as I know they last. I would probably say that in the last 6mnths we have been in a ‘bad place’, arguing, sex has dropped right off, both sort of do things separately and life has just become about going to bed and getting up for work...

During a recent argument my partner said her feelings have changed for me, she didnt want to be in the relationship and she didnt want children with me, these were said as she was angry and she says things to hurt. This obviously shocked and hurt me but she said after ‘oh I didn't mean it’ as this to me is what you say at the ‘end’ if a relationship! I would never say these things to the person I supposedly LOVED! So we are were in a sort it out sort of period of the relationship when my GF says she wants to get a dog...I explained to her that I don't think its the right time as we should really be concentrating on us and I didn't wan the responsibility of a dog as it would add more stress to an already stressed relationship. Anyway...I drove 800miles to get the dog and she has paid for it all because she said that she deserves a dog and I would get used to it, yes I know it was soft of me to do but I didn't want her to be unhappy...so the dogs here, he is great but I still didnt want a dog and as I expected life is about the dog now and not us! So Im just stuck in no mans land thinking of the nasty comments she said and that I cant forget them and also the dog has caused more stress....She says the comments were nothing and that she wants to be with me but the closeness has gone and she also blames me for the sex as I ‘havent tried it on with her!’. I just am so confused on if i should end it or am I being too sensitive to the comments and the fact she got a dog when I didnt want it? Im 36 now, would like children and to be really happy. I dont know what to do as I dont want hurt her but we are walking around in a weird mood, she pretends like nothing ever happened...

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Sorry this is happening. You're incompatible,camped in oppose corners and simply antagonizing and wearing each other down. You want this, she wants that. Whatever she wants you don't. Whatever you want she doesn't.

 

You have basically decided to be enemy-roommates. Do you want to spend your life bickering and at each other's throats? The dog is a symptom, not the problem. Unfortunately it's easier to keep harping on the dog thing than it is to face the facts and either learn to get along or get out.

During a recent argument my partner said her feelings have changed for me, she didnt want to be in the relationship and she didnt want children with me,

I still didnt want a dog and as I expected life is about the dog now

she got a dog when I didnt want it?

Im 36 now, would like children and to be really happy.

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The dog is her safety net & substitute child.

 

You two either need to learn to communicate better & fight fair or break up. There is no middle ground. Where you are not is a bad place. Can you talk to her calmly about how you interact when you are upset? See what you can both do to change the pattern. It's OK to say to your partner when very angry "I'm too upset & emotional to deal with this right now. Can we table it before I say something I will regret?"

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Thanks for the comments...its weird you say about the dog being a substitute child as I want children and she is always saying the times not right...

 

I really do try and communicate normally but the talking ends up in her being the victim all the time and then it gets heated. No argument is ‘sorted’ its more just pushed under the carpet. Im trying to forget the nasty comments said but finding it hard...

 

The dog is just bringing more stress to an already stressed relationship! As I told her before getting it...

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Unfortunately you are both acting like victims. Victims of each other....and the dog, of course. That and the contempt, the excessive need to argue and both needing to be right and the other is always wrong and incompatibility makes one wonder why you don't just move out. You do not want this to work. You want to pout and whine about the dog🐶😥

the talking ends up in her being the victim all the time and then it gets heated.

 

Im trying to forget the nasty comments said but finding it hard...

 

The dog is just bringing more stress to an already stressed relationship! As I told her before getting it...

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I understand what your saying @Wiseman2 but im not acting like any victim...I genuinely havent done anything wrong but try to please someone and talk about issues like an adult...

 

Like you say it could just be incompatibility, its just a bitter pill to swallow I guess

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No argument is ‘sorted’ its more just pushed under the carpet. Im trying to forget the nasty comments said but finding it hard...

 

This is the statement that stands out the most for me. Arguments are hard. It can be very challenging not to say hurtful things when emotions run high. However, if these hurtful arguments keep doing damage to you, without you feeling like the damage is being repaired, the relationship will not last a lifetime.

 

Also, this one:

 

she also blames me for the sex as I ‘havent tried it on with her!’

 

Can you honestly say she is wrong here? Do you try to initiate at the wrong times, get discouraged, and fail to work towards the scenario you know she enjoys most? Just a thought, maybe I'm off base here.

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Thanks for your reply! I know everyone argues is natural but I really do try and sort things like an adult without saying hurtful things...I do believe you shouldn't say cutting nasty comments because once you have said them you cant take them back. Comments like ‘I dont want to be in this relationship anymore’ ‘Thats why I dont want children with you!’ and ‘My feelings have changed for you but if you make an effort we can change that..’

These comments we not meant apparently...but I cant forget them at the monent and at a time when we should be focusing on us, she goes and gets a dog.

Is this really normal behaviour??

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When people speak the truth, listen. Normal or not, she wants out but doesn't have the integrity to do it. Forget the dog. The relationship is on it's last leg with this kind of contempt.

‘I dont want to be in this relationship anymore’

‘Thats why I dont want children with you!’

‘My feelings have changed for you but if you make an effort we can change that..’

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@Wiseman2 Yep well aware that when people speak I should listen, which is what I do...I do not ask for comments like this to be made to me, I was asking for advice if comments like this were common place and excusable...or not. The dog situation was merely the most recent situation that has exacerbated things and it felt my partner chose getting a dog over sorting issues in the relationship, I feel this is a normal thought from myself but I appreciate your response

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The relationship sounds terrible overall, OP. Dreary, monotonous, negative, neglectful, spiteful. I don't think it's just her comments that are a concern. It's the overall picture and how the whole relationship makes you feel. And what it's turning you into. If you are starting to feel dreary, monotonous, negative, neglected and spiteful, you're just not a pleasant person to be around with at all. She may think you're a bit over-emotional and fed up with your mood swings if neither of you are working out your differences in a more proactive and respectful way.

 

I wouldn't let this drag on indefinitely. Either work things out together or don't keep being in these types of negative situations. It doesn't look good on you overall and over time, it's really on you (your responsibility to change your situation if you are unhappy).

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Thanks for your reply! I know everyone argues is natural but I really do try and sort things like an adult without saying hurtful things...I do believe you shouldn't say cutting nasty comments because once you have said them you cant take them back. Comments like ‘I dont want to be in this relationship anymore’ ‘Thats why I dont want children with you!’ and ‘My feelings have changed for you but if you make an effort we can change that..’

These comments we not meant apparently...but I cant forget them at the monent and at a time when we should be focusing on us, she goes and gets a dog.

Is this really normal behaviour??

 

Why doesn't she feel like she also has to make an effort?

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