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Does anyone have experience with family chemo anger?


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We actually need more information -- what are you doing that is different than anyone else? Are you taking care of him and others are just visiting? Also, if he is taking his anger out on you it is likely that he trusts your relationship and is throwing his negative feelings about his illness at you without worrying that you will walk away. That is completely NOT acceptable (I know, I have been in a very similar situation as the patient). Is he part of a support group or have a therapist? If not he should, and so should you, especially if you are the caregiver.

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This is a time to focus on your dad and get out your frustration in a way that doesn’t include confronting him or telling him how you feel. I hear that you think he’s treating you worse than others. Might be true or might just be your perception. Be a support if possible in a way that limits personal interactions. Help with errands or make sure there’s enough of what he can drink or eat in the house or show him videos or shows that might distract him or cheer him up. Also take a step back and observe what he seems to need. Is it quiet? Space ? Ice chips? Get out of your head and be an objective listener.

Also if course it’s frustrating to hear “treat me the same as others” - especially to someone who is ill that’s really vague and assumes he perceives the same difference you do. Instead when he speaks to you respectfully acknowledge it “I appreciate how you (be specific )” or “glad I could make you laugh!”

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Yes im at home a lot and doing a lot... cleaning... Looking after dogs... Shoppinv and suchforth when others visit however my sister helps out when sje can but has her own family. Argument today was he got angry because i didnt want to walk dogs till later. He got angry and i asked if he could speak to me like he does others as he keeps getting really angry with me and i just am trying to do as much as i can.

 

I just needed some space n a break today and now i feel awful and a bad person. I should have just took the dogs out when he wanted. I am mentally n physically exhausted atm though. I feel really bad saying that but its challenging.

 

I love him to pieces though.

 

I just wonder is it normal to be so angry and short? I knwo he is so tired all the time and i guess my mental and physical tiredness made me short too.

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Maybe saying to talk to me without getting angry like he is with others wasnt the best thing to do. Its just hard to see my father being short and angry with me when he isnt with other siblings when they arent doing much... But i want to make his life easier and make sure he rests and has no stress... Sometimes its just hard. It is challenging some days for sure.

 

I think just write today off as one of those days.

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Maybe saying to talk to me without getting angry like he is with others wasnt the best thing to do. Its just hard to see my father being short and angry with me when he isnt with other siblings when they arent doing much... But i want to make his life easier and make sure he rests and has no stress... Sometimes its just hard. It is challenging some days for sure.

 

I think just write today off as one of those days.

 

Do you tell him he needs to rest?

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Oh yes. They can be horrible. They target the ones they love.

 

I went to cancer support group, and I suggest you seek one out, as it helped me a great deal. Gilda's Club was a Godsend. One thing that I did learn, is that abusive behavior is unacceptable, no matter what they are going through. It is never OK.

 

Also, make time for yourself. It is very important. You cannot care for others, if you do not care for yourself.

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I'd write it off as one of those days. This isn't the forum for cancer support. The Canadian Cancer Society helped us out a lot. You can find them here: https://cancerconnection.ca/home

 

Also this: http://www.bccancer.bc.ca/our-services/services/library/recommended-websites/living-with-cancer-websites/support-websites

 

You should also have his patient health number and there's a phone number you can call for patient and family counselling: http://www.bccancer.bc.ca/our-services/services/supportive-care/patient-family-counselling These people are trained counsellors. You should have an equivalent if you are not in British Columbia (check for your province).

 

I don't know how long he has been been with his cancer diagnosis but he, you and your family may have been suffering mentally and emotionally (not just physically) for awhile in a state of shock and trauma. When my mum was diagnosed, it devastated all of us. I have been a caregiver and I have have seen death and illness but I have never seen death the way it ravages a body like it does cancer. She was in chronic pain and went through multiple surgeries. I cleaned the blood and emptied the 4 drainage bottles from her wounds every week, marking all the volumes of pus, blood and fluid. She couldn't walk or eat and her legs grew too weak to carry her. I would say chronic pain and discomfort from other drugs were the biggest issues in terms of comfort overall and pain management. Of course she was angry. We prayed together as a family and found strength in each other.

 

I strongly recommend you look at the support groups in your province specifically for cancer patients and families. Online forums like this will not offer the support you need at this time. This is a relationship forum where the extent of issues are mostly communications-based and about cheating spouses and misunderstandings. You need actual counselling for cancer. I wouldn't underestimate what the diagnosis is doing to your own mental health.

 

Take care of yourself.

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You can always post here if you need help. The members are compassionate and will be here to help you talk things out. For mental health and coping I'd seek counselling. I know there were days, weeks and months where I was in a mental haze. I didn't and couldn't feel anything. I responded and did as I was told and I kept watch because I was supposed to. We all lived in constant fear and whatever pain a loved one feels we feel. There was not a single day that I was not suffering either mentally or emotionally because she was too. She did take her anger out on us and to be honest with you, I took it out on God. I grew very distant from all my beliefs and extremely angry with God in general. I know that sounds a bit funny but every bit of hatred and anger I felt I threw it back at him. I'm not proud of that. It took awhile to come back from that but I did (we all did).

 

You seem to be moving through it a lot more gracefully than I ever did. I hope you are still able to find joy in the little things.

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Get a dog-walker, house-keeper and people to come in and help him, both medically with things as well as practically at home. Stop acting like a spouse/nurse/housekeeper.

 

Arrange proper care for him such as cancer support groups and therapy. Stop trying to be daddy's best little girl. Get on with your own life. Work more, go to school more, get out more, date, find your own place. Let other people help him more. He needs more socialization that just you being there. He needs appropriate mental health care to deal with all this. Provide that.

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Get a dog-walker, house-keeper and people to come in and help him, both medically with things as well as practically at home. Stop acting like a spouse/nurse/housekeeper.

 

Arrange proper care for him such as cancer support groups and therapy. Stop trying to be daddy's best little girl. Get on with your own life. Work more, go to school more, get out more, date, find your own place. Let other people help him more. He needs more socialization that just you being there. He needs appropriate mental health care to deal with all this. Provide that.

I doubt that she has a choice. Some of these things can be quite costly. This is a very challenging and exhausting situation.

 

Can other family members and friends step up to the plate?

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I doubt that she has a choice. Some of these things can be quite costly. This is a very challenging and exhausting situation.

 

Can other family members and friends step up to the plate?

 

I agree with you. Some comments really amaze me. I think you can tell those who have developed strong relationships with parents and family members and some who have not, those who have been caretakers in difficult situations and others who haven't. I still strongly suggest other forums (specific to cancer) or support services with others going through the same challenges you are, OP. This forum really is not the place.

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Yes, it's very common. My best friend's father experienced chemo anger as did my other friend's husband. Their chemo and other meds make them feel horrifically fatigued, nauseous and other excruciatingly painful adverse effects.

 

It's very hard to remain patient, supportive and compassionate during these times. I'm sorry. Just hang in there because your dad is trying hard to survive.

 

What helps some is to give each other SPACE.

 

Unfortunately, many times patients are just living on borrowed time during chemo and life is shortened. As hard as it is to do, appreciate every second with him including his angry times. Someday you'll miss him terribly.

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Money to pay people to do basic chores isn't always there. That's usually why family members step up.

 

I was taking a day off from work to take my brother to his surgery and bring him home, then take care of him for a day or so. My boss told me I should hire him a taxi instead. Um, the taxi driver will not help him inside, put him to bed, pick up his prescriptions and check in in him every hour or so. Uncompassionate ass.

 

But, you do need time for yourself. It's absolutely vital that you get a break several times a week.

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My very best friend just went through treatment for leukaemia and chemo brain is a thing, as is the pain from the cancer itself, side effects from the other meds, people around them over or under functioning, etc.

 

I was there a lot for my bff and at times it was very difficult as she was totally not herself at all.

 

You need to remember to take care of yourself too and the idea of an outside support group as is getting some additional help for him is a really good one.

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Thanks for the emapthy and understanding... I have joined a new forum and although got a lot of sound advice (which im grateful for and thanks for opening up and sharing)...some folk in here just seem to like to be antagonistic and a bit harsh with their words. Fair play... If thats how they wish to spend their time then up to them. You open up a can of worms when reaching out on forums gotta take the good with bad i guess! Hence i guess the referral to more relevant forums and support networks.

 

Thanks again for the links and good advice ❤️🙏

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