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Unsure if he cheated or is telling the truth?


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I’ll try to keep things brief. Long story short, I have had an on and off relationship with a man for 1 year. We have agreed to be exclusive each time we have been “on.” The whole relationship I have been a bit guarded, simply because he is very private and is not super open and that, in turn, has made me a bit more closed off than usual. I maintain that I have been nothing but amazing to him. Trying to openly communicate despite typically getting shut down, continuing to put in a lot of effort, do little things to make him feel appreciated/make his life easier, etc. His efforts fluctuate greatly, and he is pretty inconsistent.

 

There have been a few times my gut has told me things were a bit off. Recently being one of the worst. Things have been rocky lately, as he failed a credentialing exam he had been studying for for months and he has to study to re-take soon, his mother was battling cancer and recently worsened and passed away, he also recently has had car trouble. That being said, I have always been a bit skeptical of one of his “friends.” He has never been super open about friends as it is, but whenever I ask about her he seems to get a bit evasive or defensive. Throughout our relationship I tried to do little things to surprise him. He plays in an adult hockey league and would frequently ask if I wanted to watch. One day I knew he had a game, he hadn’t mentioned it, but I went to support him anyway as the rink was across the street from me. Well, this friend was also there, and he saw us both, claimed injury, and immediately left the game. That was weird to me, but he assured me he was just a friend he has known forever.

 

More recently, there was a time I went to go drop off some food items as a surprise, and her car was in the driveway. Not wanting to make things awkward, I drove away. Later on, I asked what he had been up to. He never mentioned a friend and I had to drag it out of him. That time, I called him on lying/evading the answer. He got angry and we were “off” again. To be fair, this was also right as he was finding out his mom was on the decline. We did eventually start talking again. Recently, he went on a week-long vacation. Each time it came up and I asked about it, he implied the trip would be solo. All was well and good until I asked him how he was going to get home from the airport. He said Uber or lyft probably. Knowing he hates those, I decided to surprise him at the airport with a ride. Much to my surprise, I pulled up and he was with his friend. I was angry, so I drove away without him seeing. He got a ride home with her brother, apparently. When I asked him about it later, he said she had been in town for part of his trip for a work training event and they only spent a bit of time together. He was not pleased about this issue being brought up again. We, once more, were “off.”

 

Something just wasn’t sitting right to me, so I looked at an observatory page he mentioned they went to. Well, a woman from our area had reviewed it. It was his friend, and her reviews tracked along the entire trajectory of his trip, from start to finish, not just the place he mentioned, and in one review referred to him as a “boyfriend.”

 

I was incredibly upset and confronted him. He responded saying they’ve known each other forever and do activities together, but they don’t have sexual relations and don’t share beds or anything of the sort. That they have a very long past and did have a relationship at one point, but haven’t had that type of relationship in over five years. He said he has told her his views on the relationship, but that he probably hasn’t been clear enough. I fired back that he still lied about the trip. He tried defending them, making it seem like he was honest. Then he threw it back on me saying he doesn’t try to control my relationship with other men. Throughout this, he was trying to call, and called multiple times, which is abnormal for him. He said he wanted to hear my voice and that he was worried about me. That he almost cancelled the trip when his mother passed. He then went into detail as to who each of his friends is. He finally revealed the identity of his two other close female friends, both of which he dated in the past, and explained about them. When I asked why he was doing that, he said for context.

 

He seemed to relax and stop fighting when I started to make it seem like I believed him. For what it’s worth, I don’t know what to believe. I find it hard to believe that a woman who is 40 would think someone is her boyfriend if they have truly no physical relationship. But maybe I am wrong. He still lied to me about details. He still kept all this about his friends from me until it was too late. He seemed pretty defensive. Throughout all this, he has maintained that he thinks my surprise visits are creepy, and that I am jealous and try to control his relationships. Not once have I tried to do that.

 

Anyway, I vented to a friend, who I asked to not say anything to this woman. Well, my friend decided to contact the woman on my behalf and tell her of the situation. Apparently, the woman instantly took down her "in a relationship since 2005" status on facebook down after the text, and then later in the evening made pretty much everything on her profile private when it wasn't before and deleted her review site account I mentioned above. He had everything private previous to this, but made his profile picture private and deleted his cover photo. My friend told me all this after the fact, knowing I'd be upset. Though part of me thinks that my ex convinced her that I'm some crazy person who is stalking the based on their actions after her text. Anyway, I then messaged the woman on facebook apologizing for the whole entire ordeal, sending screenshots as to what he was saying and I was saying, and said I wanted to be done with it. She never responded and blocked me. I also reached out to him to apologize for my friend, and he responded that it was ok and it all needed to happen, that he should have been more honest with me and more clear with her.

 

I guess I don't know what to believe or what to think...my mind keeps going back and forth as far as did he or didn’t he. We spent his birthday and Valentine’s Day together and talked every evening in a way that would make it difficult for him to be with someone else. But things are still muddy. Thoughts?

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Trying so hard to be the "cool girlfriend " has gotten you nothing but being the one he doesn't take on the trip, who has to resort to electronic snooping to find out what he's really up to and having to rely on friends to get intel on him.

 

What trying to be the "cool girlfriend " will NOT get you is a solid, secure and mutually respectful relationship.

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If you want a relationship, then why are you with this guy? He is on and off, he is not communicative , or reliable. I don't get it? Aren't there other guys in your town?

 

Are you so scared of being alone that you settle for this crap?

 

You also allow yourself to be a secret. He does not respect you, and you have become his doormat with benefits.

 

Move on!

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The answer to the question whether he cheated or not is: He was definitely acting dodgy.

 

There are a number of possibilities though.

 

1. He was pursuing his "friend".

2. They had a relationship

3. She was also as giving as you are and was enjoying the benefits (Including the possibility she paid for the trip). He seems to be comfortable with taking.

Perhaps to her, you were labelled "his friend" and when your friend confronted her she decided to walk away from the circus, hence she took her status off. Perhaps his "friend " confronted him and he came out clean that you were indeed his girlfriend, so she walked away.

 

Yes, he's more available now. Is it because she ended the relationship or he did?

If she did, I would not be excited about his sudden availability. If its the latter, I would give him a benefit of a doubt that he came to a realization that its you he wants and broke it off with her. So I would give him a chance and observe a change in his behavior. However you have no way of telling what really happened now do you? In that case, give him a chance you will have your answer sooner or later.

 

I also agree with Wiseman2 and boltnrun above; easy on the giving, otherwise you will never know why he's sticking around. Give him a chance to come to you.

 

All the best!

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And also stop stalking people. He's calling your "surprise visits" creepy because they are.

 

Are you two even having sex the last time you were "on?" What has being "on" entailed? What were you doing or saying to him when you were "off?" Were you actually "on," or is there a chance, even if not necessarily defensibly, that he's been placating you, believing these "surprise visits" could otherwise take on a new form? While "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" is a cringe-worthy facebook meme 99% of the time, when it comes to women showing up to sporting events I never shared with them and showing up to the airport unannounced to pick me up when she wasn't at all included in the itinerary, I and others tend to take the quote seriously.

 

At the end of the day, it seems he is or was with her. Despite you and your friends' deeply concerning efforts, it does seem it forced a conversation between he and she. Whether he's a full-on cheating a**hole or an idiot who thought he could play politics to prevent an explosion, or both, it's done.

 

But seriously, don't "surprise" people with this kind of crap. I'm not saying this guy's a peach by any means. But a lot of people-- I'd say most people don't know what the **** to do with someone who is so demonstrably willing to invade their lives. While completely possible and even likely this guy's simply an ass, plenty of perfectly honest and good enough people in your future would give you the runaround if they felt it was between that or you showing up to their work or leaving threats in lipstick on the kitchen window.

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Haven't you already posted a similar thread about this situation?

 

Yes. And, she was advised to stay away from him, yet here we are again.

 

I cannot believe that you believe a word that comes out of this guy's mouth. Do you usually settle for sex buddy relationships?

Edited by Hollyj
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Just take a step back and try and go over why you're picking men and friends like these. Things shouldn't be happening like this.

 

This.

 

Take a deep breath and focus on some facts here. Not the various stories, not the whimsical hopes, but the facts. You are unhappy with this man in just about very way conceivable, which has been the dominant theme of your year. You are an adult who is trying to understand her situation through "surprise" visits that border on monitoring, while very explicitly monitoring FB and Yelp (or whatever) for clarity, which has only resulted in you becoming more and more blurred and unsettled. You have a "friend" who goes against your wishes and further meddles in all this, creating more drama, more fog. Is this who you want to be?

 

I don't mean that to sound harsh or judgmental. We've all gotten a bit upside down. But he is not going to right you—and neither, it seems, are your friends. The common denominator here is that you are turning to people for comfort and clarity who can provide only the opposite, and you double, triple, and quadruple down on that instinct.

 

Time to shut these doors, reflect on that instinct a bit, so moving forward you find yourself in situations that function. Your gut has been begging you to listen to it, almost from the moment you met him. Please just listen to it now, accept what it says. I think you'll find much more peace, freedom, and confidence in that than in doing what you've been doing.

 

Wishing you luck.

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Talk about reaching into the very bottom of the barrel and pulling out the most rotten fish you can find....

 

What on earth are you getting out of trying to force yourself into this "relationship". You call yourself a gf, but he doesn't treat you as one. At best he is a user who treats you as a casual convenience, at worst he is a creep who is cheating and leading a double life. Either way, when someone keeps you a secret.....it's never for good reason.... If he suddenly became more "open" after your so called friend contacted his long term gf, it's only because she had the sense to dump him and kick him out with extreme prejudice...unless he manages to convince her that you are some psycho and he totally didn't cheat.

 

Your "surprises".....just be honest - you were checking up on him because your gut instinct was ringing alarms on full blast and it was correct. You saw with your own eyes that he is involved with someone else. So what more do you need?

 

Get rid of him, stop wasting all your time and effort on this mess. I mean you could throw a dart on a street and hit a better guy at random. Block, delete, get out there and meet someone who is at least half decent. After as low as you've stooped with this one, pretty much any guy would be a wast improvement. For you to stick around for even one more minute is beyond crazy.

 

Also, stop and rethink what you are doing with dating and how you are behaving. Do you seriously think that bending over backwards to do things for a guy who doesn't reciprocate will get you into a healthy relationship? It doesn't work like that. The only thing it will get you is being used and abused. You seriously need to sort out how you approach relationship and learn when to walk away. A guy who sneaks around, keeps you a secret, lies to you, etc, etc, etc, - you don't walk, you don't run, you sprint for the hills. Sprint......well unless you just love drama, stalking, fighting, and being a side chic....in that case....carry on as you are.....

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You are exhibiting Stage 5 Clinger aka stalker behavior with this guy... showing up unannounced at his sporting events, to pick him up at the airport, at his house with food, stalking his and his "friend's" social media.

 

Not only that but it's would seem that he wants her to be his girlfriend...the fact that he is inviting her out in public with him to his games, taking her on trips, etc... would indicate that his interest is in her.

 

Here's the thing.. if a guy is truly interested in you, he will ask you to participate in his life, he will be consistent and committed and want to take you out in public vs avoiding you as much as possible.

 

IMO that he is using both of you should be off putting enough for you to end this "relationship" as it were.

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I've been married for a long, long time but if I ever find myself single (God forbid) and involved with a man like this, just shoot me and put me out of my misery.

 

Girl, you have zero trust in this man and for good reason.

 

Get real with yourself and sit down and figure out why you settle for so little. When you are on and off with someone, it's natures way of telling you that you're with the wrong person.

 

Trust is very important and being with someone you can't trust is slowly shredding away at your self worth and you've dropped your self-respect as well...

 

Can I ask why you didn't just volunteer to pick him up at the airport when he told you he would take Uber instead of showing up at the airport unannounced to him? Clearly your gut told you what you found out when you got there. Why put up with that as a steady diet?

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