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for those of you who know my story this is an update...

 

he's 35yrs and i'm 31yrs. he's been back and forth with divorce talk and even called attorney's (which made me call attorney's and do my research to protect myself). well, i'm tired of getting the "i'm confused" response and "i love you but i don't trust my own feelings right now" responses. so i've recently took action and got us an appointment for a separation agreement. i told him he's left me no choice but to protect myself should he maintain this attitude and not want to work on the marriage with counseling, communicating with me, spending time together, etc. that essentially he's left me no choice but to take some action.

 

we met with the attorney today to go over how a separation agreement would work but my husband said "we need to talk about it" when the attorney wanted to schedule our first meeting to sort out assets of the divorce. he was wearing his wedding ring today (finally after a month)! he talked to me before the meeting a little and said he didn't want a divorce but wanted more time for separation and to do "our own thing" and i kept telling him no. i said i wanted a separation agreement to protect me if this does lead to divorce and he doesn't want to work on the marriage.

 

he knows i dont want a divorce but that i've finally got enough strength to set things in motion since he's been so back and forth and more importantly i don't want to get strung along for months, or even years! i told him my happiness is important to me too and i don't want to live like this forever, in limbo not knowing what's going to become of our marriage. he said he understood why i was doing what i needed to do, to protect myself but still voiced he wished we could have more time.

 

as i tried to talk to him more about how i felt and ask questions as to why he was making us go through this, he kept saying "i hate talking to you" and that he just doesn't like communicating, thus you see why i've had to do what i've done and get an attorney involved.

 

were supposed to talk tonight about next steps of moving forward with this process involving the attorney but i'm just wanting to make sure i'm doing the right thing. i just don't trust my husband right now and feel like he can keep this act of his going. the separation agreement would be binding contract dividing all assets (we don't have children) so that when a divorce is filed everything is already settled. one of us would still have to eventually file for divorce but this agreement would say what happens after, should it come to that.

 

again i don't want a divorce but want to get this all taken care of if it gets to that point. i just wish he'd man up and start working on our marriage but he still showed me signs today that he's just not there and isn't sure about us.

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From my own experience, his behavior indicates that the person he is "waiting for" isn't yet available. His bouncing back and forth on this means she is doing the same about leaving her husband...

 

yes, i have no proof he's cheating but his behavior makes me not rule it out. that's exactly why i've taken the time to get all this set up, so it shows him i'm not going to wait on him to make up his mind and get through his "grass is greener syndrome". he's going to see what he's losing if this marriage ends, and it will be right there in black & white. then i can walk away protected...with a broken heart, but protected financially.

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Purdy, I haven't followed each and every one of your posts because your turmoil is overwhelming and you're a very frustrated person. I don't meant to upset you even further but the constant back and forth from you is enough to drive anyone nuts. I'm not surprised if your husband is overwhelmed by you too. I think you should absolutely do what you need to do for yourself and take more time if you need to take time to make peace with it.

 

I think what you've been struggling with also for awhile is your ego. Again, don't take this in the wrong way - your husband isn't the man you thought he would be: he's deceptive, he's arguably manipulative, sexually abusive, neglectful, unkind to you. He just isn't a great man to you at all and you're angry deep down for being slighted and being taken for a fool and angry for realizing that someone scammed you into such a rotten representation of what a marriage means. Ego is there to help guide us from right and wrong, good and bad, help us recognize when our expectations have failed and how to correct our expectations going forward.

 

You still seem shaky as all hell and I think you're divorcing him because other people are guiding you to or giving you examples of how divorce is better. You really don't believe in divorce at all and you haven't made peace with the idea of getting divorced. I'd really encourage you to make peace with it on a more spiritual or emotional level. You yourself said that you wish he'd man up and start working on the marriage. You haven't given up on it yet. Why then are you forcing yourself to divorce someone when you're not ready? It seems hasty and as if you're trying to get a reaction out of your husband. I'm not telling you not to get divorced or get this separation agreement but don't do it just because you don't see enough of what you want to see or because your ego isn't being stroked in a way you want it to be. You should be doing it because you are convinced that there's absolutely nothing left for you in the marriage.

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You are doing the right thing.

 

My guess is he saw an attorney and was told it's "cheaper to keep her", at least for the time being. And his attorney hasn't had a chance to draft the agreement HE wants you to sign.

 

I would proceed. He is attempting to confuse and gaslight you. Don't be shocked if he attempts to have sex with you too. Keeping you off balance is his goal.

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I agree that you are doing the right thing as well. Protect yourself and get the ball rolling. If he wanted to be with you, then he would be doing everything he can to make it right with you but instead of him doing that, he is asking you to stagnate yourself and live in the limbo he is trying to place you in.

 

Its my guess as well that he has someone else but she's stalling and he wants to keep the status quo with you until he doesn't have to any longer.

 

If he loved you and wanted the marriage to work, he'd be at marriage therapy with you and working with you to get the emotional connection back on track so don't threaten but rather DO.

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You still seem shaky as all hell and I think you're divorcing him because other people are guiding you to or giving you examples of how divorce is better. You really don't believe in divorce at all and you haven't made peace with the idea of getting divorced. I'd really encourage you to make peace with it on a more spiritual or emotional level. You yourself said that you wish he'd man up and start working on the marriage. You haven't given up on it yet. Why then are you forcing yourself to divorce someone when you're not ready? It seems hasty and as if you're trying to get a reaction out of your husband. I'm not telling you not to get divorced or get this separation agreement but don't do it just because you don't see enough of what you want to see or because your ego isn't being stroked in a way you want it to be. You should be doing it because you are convinced that there's absolutely nothing left for you in the marriage.

 

I agree with the others but I also agree with this.

 

He’s stalling, but I don’t think for the reason you’re hoping for and honestly I think you’re under the impression you hold some power due to you pulling the trigger first, if he truly loves you and this causes him to ‘open his eyes’ then you’re good! If not well you’re just deluding yourself and the fall is going to hurt even more.

 

I think the fact that you haven’t gone to your friends despite nothing truly changing is evidence you’re attempting to play divorce chicken with him.

 

It’s a risky game to play if you don’t truly mean it.

 

What I’m saying is mean what you say and say what you mean, these days are molding the rest of your lives, somebody has to be the adult and say enough is enough sh*t or get off the pot and actually mean it, his stalling is working on you.

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he will know where to find me if he wants to work on this marriage or if he wants to go through the motions of divorce. i'm not going to fight him on a divorce.

 

I read one of your previous posts. Even if he now wanted to work on the marriage, I don't know why you would want to after the way he's been treating you--leaving his wedding ring on the table when he leaves the house, not coming home at all on one occasion, and not keeping you updated on his schedule/whereabouts/accountability. He has a black heart. Do you really think marital counseling at this point will make his moral compass do a total 360?

 

Sounds like his stalling has nothing to do with caring for you, which he doesn't. He just doesn't want to lose half of his money. Don't have any further sex with him, because this makes you want to stay bonded with him. If you have a guest room, one of you should sleep in there. His cuddling and pet names might be a manipulative ploy so that you'll give up certain of his assets, like half of his 401K if he has retirement savings, and half of his pension, if he has one. Don't fall for his deceptive practices.

 

For now, get your financial ducks in a row. Get him off of your credit card and off of your shared bank account if those exist in your name. Take care and let us know how it goes.

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thank you everyone for your support and thoughts. it's been a very difficult time. my husbands constant going back and forth with what he wants has been torture and it's forced me to start "moving the fence" if you will, because i just can't keep letting him string me along.

 

i've cried my eyes out the past month and slowly started to accept that he won't be coming back to this marriage. the separation agreement proceedings was a big step for me. to have the peace of mind i'll be protected should it eventually come to divorce.

 

it's not about playing divorce chicken as someone said, or my ego as another mentioned. my husband doesn't want to do the work to save our marriage and says he "doesn't want a divorce but doesn't trust his feelings" or that he'll never be good to me again. if he can't work on us then i have to show him i'm not going to wait on him. he's losing a good woman.

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Unfortunately agree. Since you're ok with his affairs and disengagement, he can come and go until he gets his ducks in a row and it's advantageous For Him to get divorced. In the meantime you refuse to get your own attorney or protect yourself.

He just doesn't want to lose half of his money.

For now, get your financial ducks in a row. Get him off of your credit card and off of your shared bank account if those exist in your name.

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if he can't work on us then i have to show him i'm not going to wait on him. he's losing a good woman.

 

Seems like it's about your ego if you're wanting to teach someone a lesson. Make it less about him and more about you. It'll keep you more grounded and secure in your convictions.

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thank you everyone for your support and thoughts. it's been a very difficult time. my husbands constant going back and forth with what he wants has been torture and it's forced me to start "moving the fence" if you will, because i just can't keep letting him string me along.

 

i've cried my eyes out the past month and slowly started to accept that he won't be coming back to this marriage. the separation agreement proceedings was a big step for me. to have the peace of mind i'll be protected should it eventually come to divorce.

 

it's not about playing divorce chicken as someone said, or my ego as another mentioned. my husband doesn't want to do the work to save our marriage and says he "doesn't want a divorce but doesn't trust his feelings" or that he'll never be good to me again. if he can't work on us then i have to show him i'm not going to wait on him. he's losing a good woman.

 

Then as I said mean what you say and say what you mean, you got the lawyer but now you’re waiting around for him to talk... why? If you’re to the point of contacting a lawyer it doesn’t matter what his feelings are, done is done, unless calling the lawyer was to get a specific reaction out of him. I’m not judging you but I’m also not going to act like that isn’t what you’re doing, it is, no big deal, you’re human you’re acting human, you think you’re the first person to cry wolf about divorce? Of course not, my advice remains the same whether you admit your actions or not, the fact remains, you called the lawyer now you’re waiting around again for him to decide. absolutely nothing different than what you were doing running off to the friends house which you claimed was an absolute necessity for your mental health but is now a long forgotten fact. Nothing’s changed, he’s still giving you mixed signal except now they’re verbal instead of non verbal. That’s literally the only difference yet here you are thinking you’re making headway, you’re not, so do what you say you mean, file for divorce. Otherwise quit playing the role and actually work on your marriage.

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